How to be less cynical?

SugarHigh

I tear down everything until I have a negative per option of it and I can't seem to stop. I basically can't see the good in anything.

Naikon

Think of sunshine lollipops and puppies. It works for me sometimes.

slum dog

you could always look on the bright side of life

DonkeyStyle \o/

Maybe food for thought...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fox_and_the_Grapes

Driven by hunger, a fox tried to reach some grapes hanging high on the vine but was unable to, although he leaped with all his strength. As he went away, the fox remarked, 'Oh, you aren't even ripe yet! I don't need any sour grapes.' People who speak disparagingly of things that they cannot attain would do well to apply this story to themselves.

Emme

Cynics are rarely disappointed :rolleyes:

I have to say I'm a cynic myself and would love to have a brighter outlook on life. The story about the fox is true but we cynics sometimes find it hard to see the good in ourselves let alone everything else. Like someone says "you're looking well" I think " you need to go to Specsavers" or that they're just saying it to be kind.

I don't know OP, if you've had your fair share of disappointments and more then I can understand your outlook. I'd appreciate some advice on how to be less cynical as well - and to deal with the disappointment that inevitably comes when your hopes are dashed!

mikemac

People find what they're looking for.
If you want to find the bad in every situation you'll find it

Might help to stay away from negative influences. Joe Duffy show would have you slitting your wrists with the misery, often over stupid things like shopping vouchers

So mind what media sources you're reading. Daily Mail perhaps
I might include large areas of boards.ie in this too

asdf1234

You shouldn't have downloaded South Park last night

gargleblaster

I have that same problem myself. It's a tough one, especially tough for some.

You might have heard this before but just in case, I'd like to share an old Cherokee story that might help.

There was a young Cherokee who is brought before the tribal elders, who are concerned about his aggressive tendencies. One of the elders takes the young man aside and tells him that his anger is understandable, since all humans have within them two wolves. One wolf is good and peaceable, and the other is evil and angry. The two wolves are in constant battle with one another, since neither is powerful enough to destroy the other. The young man asks the elder "But if they are of equal power, which wolf will win?" And the elder replies, "The one you feed."

If you too easily give in to your cynical side you're only making it stronger. Challenge yourself to see things differently, to focus on nice things (even if they're meaningless), and to actively see both halves of reality and not just one side of it. It's something only you can do though. If someone else tries to point it out to you, you may just reject it out of hand (that's what I do, anyway).

Interestingly, it has been shown that simply using the muscles that form a smile influence our mood and make us feel happier, and the same goes for other facial expressions - forcing a frown will influence our mood in the other direction. Our minds are malleable and our moods are easily influenced. If you want to change the power is yours to do so but it likely won't be all that easy. Habits are not easy to change, especially when we see a good reason for them. But if you're unhappy with those habits, then you could motivate yourself to start actively seeking a different outlook than the one you seem to be tired of.

SugarHigh

I agree with people to try and find the positive but that's kind of ignoring the problem that I can't find the positive. I think seeing the good in things is a skill that I've lost. Even things I used to enjoy doing I just don't do them anymore.

liah

Like others have said, you find what you're looking for, and like you've said before, we all project our mental states onto other people/things.

A lot of people tear down others as a defense mechanism. "If they're all horrible then I must be normal/better" kind of thing - but they won't think of it this way consciously. Typically they just make fun in their mind about what idiots people are - subconsciously reinforcing themselves as being 'better.' But the truth of the matter is, generally people who are okay with themselves don't feel the need to tear down the world around them, because they don't gain anything from it. There are exceptions to everything though. I'm not sure this is the case with you but might as well make mention of it.

You can start changing this if you want to by challenging your own thoughts and forcing yourself to interpret things in a positive manner instead of allowing yourself to default to the negative. Remember, being negative is the easy option here; it will be a challenge to change your habits and it'll probably feel a bit bizarre for the first while. I'm not saying this means you're going to need to have a positive opinion about everything, but rather that you need to make sure you have given each perspective a fair shake before making up your mind.

What worked for me was forcing myself to forgive and forget, understand the background behind people's decisions and motives, and to focus on the idea that "the only reason the news is bad is because it's news." Most people are decent, even if they make a lot of mistakes.

Might be worth keeping in the back of your mind - do these people really deserve it?

And what do you gain?

Emme

liah wrote: »

A lot of people tear down others as a defense mechanism. "If they're all horrible then I must be normal/better" kind of thing - but they won't think of it this way consciously.

People might not necessarily tear down others but they'll tear down situations and possibilities for fear of disappointment. A man who worked with disadvantaged children told me how frustrating it was that the children never seemed to get enthusiastic about anything. They were going to a football match and when asked what they thought about the trip the typical reply was "I suppose it's all right" with a cynical shrug. According to this man (a teacher of many years) these children had been so hardened by disappointment and hardship that they taught themselves never to get enthusiastic about anything, lest it be snatched away from them.

Most of us aren't that disadvantaged, but you could apply that analogy to career, love life or anything else. Essentially past disappointments can drag you down and over time cloud your outlook without you being aware of this.

liah

Emme wrote: »

People might not necessarily tear down others but they'll tear down situations and possibilities for fear of disappointment. A man who worked with disadvantaged children told me how frustrating it was that the children never seemed to get enthusiastic about anything. They were going to a football match and when asked what they thought about the trip the typical reply was "I suppose it's all right" with a cynical shrug. According to this man (a teacher of many years) these children had been so hardened by disappointment and hardship that they taught themselves never to get enthusiastic about anything, lest it be snatched away from them.

Most of us aren't that disadvantaged, but you could apply that analogy to career, love life or anything else. Essentially past disappointments can drag you down and over time cloud your outlook without you being aware of this.

Also very true; I was similar when I was young, but I didn't just turn myself on situations but people too. If you think everything is going to be crap, it probably will be, because you've been conditioned to see things that way. And you just end up sabotaging yourself. It's why I dropped out of high school.

SugarHigh, maybe try some new things out? Or make an effort to get back into something you used to be enthusiastic about?

gargleblaster

SugarHigh wrote: »

I agree with people to try and find the positive but that's kind of ignoring the problem that I can't find the positive. I think seeing the good in things is a skill that I've lost. Even things I used to enjoy doing I just don't do them anymore.

That's a little worrying actually. I don't mean to be alarmist or dramatic but have you ever thought you might be depressed? Getting out of that is quite a bit trickier than just trying to have a more positive outlook. Similarly when you said you think it's a skill you've lost, maybe it's just me but that makes me worry that it could be more than just you having a cynical outlook in general.

SugarHigh

liah wrote: »

Also very true; I was similar when I was young, but I didn't just turn myself on situations but people too. If you think everything is going to be crap, it probably will be, because you've been conditioned to see things that way. And you just end up sabotaging yourself. It's why I dropped out of high school.

SugarHigh, maybe try some new things out? Or make an effort to get back into something you used to be enthusiastic about?

Yea I definitely should do this, I'm going back to finish my degree in September. It's just a complete lack of motivation to do anything. I know what I should do but I just don't do it due to no motivation.

I was doing quite well in college but then my sister died and I didn't handle it well so I basically completely stopped going to college. Because of how I handed the situation I was just constantly making it worse. So by not putting effort into college or friends or basically anything I've just been at home doing nothing for 2 years which has just left me isolated with little motivation.

I'm just worried that if I don't have the motivation to attend college it won't work out again.

SugarHigh

gargleblaster wrote: »

That's a little worrying actually. I don't mean to be alarmist or dramatic but have you ever thought you might be depressed? Getting out of that is quite a bit trickier than just trying to have a more positive outlook. Similarly when you said you think it's a skill you've lost, maybe it's just me but that makes me worry that it could be more than just you having a cynical outlook in general.

I think I was depressed but I'm coming out of it. When I was depressed, I was doing nothing but had so little motivation I basically became fine with doing nothing. Now that I'm coming out of depression it's actually affecting me more in a weird way, because now I have the motivation to care that my life is crap.

Wompa1

SugarHigh wrote: »

I think I was depressed but I'm coming out of it. When I was depressed, I was doing nothing but had so little motivation I basically became fine with doing nothing. Now that I'm coming out of depression it's actually affecting me more in a weird way, because now I have the motivation to care that my life is crap.

I am very similar to you OP even losing interest in everything that use to interest me and having nothing new to replace it. I went to counselling but it didn't help. In the last few weeks though I've started to see things a little differently. Looking at things with a lot more depth...I was listening to my friend telling me about his awful day at work while a disabled woman was struggling with a walker getting up on a foot path, she didn't get the oppurtunity to work let a lone to bond with someone over their tough day at work...

On my way into town one day I saw a young girl in a wheel chair, manually wheeling herself and she looked so happy...I was in a bad mood because I saw an ex the night before. That girl might never get a chance to find a partner...as heart broken as I was over the ex, it's amazing that I could feel such a range of emotions and now I think when I do find the girl that deserves me it will be the most amazing thing ever

after that thought I moved onto other negative thoughts about how I was stuck here due to different reasons. I saw an owner walking a black lab with 3 legs...I've seen a lot of dogs with 3 legs but it kind of struck me that they have no voice, they don't wimper or yelp over their bad fortune..they adapt and get on with it...while I feel sorry for myself and do nothing to change my own fortune. I've since made significant plans for my future.

When somebody would tell me to cop on, to think about those that are less fortunate. I would react with, I'm living this life for me and not them so screw that crap. I still feel that from time to time...I'm learning to love myself now though which is important..I'm actually turning into a bragging type to try and convince myself I guess. I bought a sexy new car, I've got a raise and promotion, moved in with a good friend, a brother that's getting married soon. Life is good. I won't say people have it worse but I could have it worse for sure!

Somebody pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I don't acknowledge my own success much, I twist it into yeah but it's crap because..or I probably won't...

This is long..but I hope my own decision process might help because I really didn't get help from anyone or counselling...

Silverfish

slum dog wrote: »

you could always look on the bright side of life

asdf1234 wrote: »

You shouldn't have downloaded South Park last night

Please read the charter of this forum before posting here again.

Thank you.

greenteaicedtea

SugarHigh wrote: »

I agree with people to try and find the positive but that's kind of ignoring the problem that I can't find the positive. I think seeing the good in things is a skill that I've lost. Even things I used to enjoy doing I just don't do them anymore.

One way is the "fake it till you make it" way. If you smile and try to talk about positive things, it may feel weird but gradually you might start to think positively on your own. I have found that if I talk to someone as if they were my friend, they become my friend. It's like any skill that you practice or learn.

I did cognitive therapy once, we had to keep a diary of our negative thoughts. Over time, you will start to catch yourself while you are saying negative things, then you will catch yourself before you say it. It takes time.

Also they told us that thoughts, feelings and behaviors are connected. If you are unaware of your feelings on one thing, examine your thoughts and behaviors and it can be insightful to figure it out that way.

SugarHigh

greenteaicedtea wrote: »

One way is the "fake it till you make it" way. If you smile and try to talk about positive things, it may feel weird but gradually you might start to think positively on your own. I have found that if I talk to someone as if they were my friend, they become my friend. It's like any skill that you practice or learn.

Yea I'm trying to do this but I find I focus so much on not trying to think negative thoughts it just makes it happen. Kind of like when someone says don't think of a white elephant you immediately picture it. So I still think the negative thoughts but now I'll keep on thinking about it until I can finally see something positive and try and make that the more prominent view.

I did cognitive therapy once, we had to keep a diary of our negative thoughts. Over time, you will start to catch yourself while you are saying negative things, then you will catch yourself before you say it. It takes time.

Also they told us that thoughts, feelings and behaviors are connected. If you are unaware of your feelings on one thing, examine your thoughts and behaviors and it can be insightful to figure it out that way.

I completely agree. I didn't even realise how down I was until I started to realise how I was acting.

metrovelvet

Have you ever read anything by Aaaron Beck [father of cognitive therapy]? Maybe get one of his books.

It might help you to retrain your thinking.

squonk

I'd describe myself a quite cynical but it was interesting reading some of the posts here.

I always thought my cynicism came from common sense. Even as a child I never got that excited about things because you never knew what was going to happen in the meantime. I always anjoyed the events when they came around.

Now I love the simple things in life and can see the good in many things. I'm fairly cynical about people looking for something. No matter what I hear, i look for the angle in it. If I didn't know you that well and you came and did something very nice for me for no reward or personal gain, I'd be quite confused! Having said that, if i could do someone a good turn when it wasn't a big deal for me, I'd be first up to do it.

You need to be balanced. Even when I was small I never saw the lesson I was supposed to see in the fox and grapes story. I remember hearing it when I was quite young and thinking the fox was quite sensible because he wasn't beating himself up over lovely grapes he couldn't get but was rationalising the situation and moving on.

LighterGuy

SugarHigh wrote: »

I tear down everything until I have a negative per option of it and I can't seem to stop. I basically can't see the good in anything.

Our experiences shape us, op.
Its very easy to become cynical in life... because we get fed alot of bs on a daily basis.

But basically you're current situation will always be a deciding factor. if you asre surrounded by two faced friends, stuck in a backstabbing job etc etc etc. You're "outlook" on the world wont be a good place.

There is a place for being cynical in this world. Problem is, it can consume more of you.

nyarlothothep

There is too much cynicism on the internet and in real life and you'll hear plenty of euphemisms about the real world being a cruel mistress, reality bites, got to look out for your own patch blah blah blah. Such sentiments actually just contribute to the sh1tty state of affairs of the world because people begin to act in an unfriendly, uncaring way without any passions or dreams.

A certain barometer reading of cynicism is actually a good thing, it makes you aware of certain facts like this institution is trying to fleece me or I'm not good enough at (A) so I'm going to improve on this rather than having false expectations, or this film is literally sh1t. But if you just become a totally cynical person who just wants to get ahead or considers everything to be sh1t then you're allowing other peoples negativity to determine your view of reality and while the reality of ones life is influenced by external factors I think how one reacts to such factors can influence the future reality of one's life. Cynicism is a very easy wall to hide behind when one gets older one looses a certain part of youthful idealism, but its where that idealism originates from, actually wanting to create a better present or future for oneself or for others which should be retained. Complete cynicism is paralyzing but I think one can look at the scrapyard of the world and think this is all sh1t or build something of value from the parts lying around. Its really up to you what way you want to look at it.

SugarHigh

metrovelvet wrote: »

Have you ever read anything by Aaaron Beck [father of cognitive therapy]? Maybe get one of his books.

It might help you to retrain your thinking.

I'll check him out.:)

greengiant09

normally i would give some positive advice on this matter but i got to admit that i honestly think that people are pretty selfish and that there definitely is more bad things than good things out there.

i do admit though that having this belief is not good for you whether it's true or not.

there are so many things out there pissing me off right now that i actually am considering becoming more of an asshole. it seems to me that you get further in life by being a dick. i hate to say that but i actually think it's true.

metrovelvet

http://gad.about.com/od/treatment/a/cognitivedist.htm

Here are a few bits of information on cognitive distortions, straight out of Beck, which I mentioned earlier.

Cognitive distortions are systematic ways that people twist and distort information from the environment. These biases often reinforce negative thought patterns and can lead to increased anxiety and difficulty managing everyday stress. Most people use at least of few of these regularly, and they are a chief focus of cognitive-behavioral therapy for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). The following is a list of the original distortions with an example related to GAD. Ideally, one could use this list as a way to identify his/her own cognitive distortions, and challenge them by considering more realistic and rational information.

Catastrophizing: taking an event you are concerned about and blowing it out of proportion to the point of becoming fearful. Example: Believing that if you fail a quiz then the teacher will completely lose respect for you, that you will not graduate from college, that you will therefore never get a well-paying job, and will ultimately end up unhappy and dissatisfied with life.

Arbitrary Inference: making a judgment with no supporting information. Example: Believing that someone does not like you without any actual information to support that belief.

Personalization: when a person attributes an external event to himself when there is actually no causal relationship. Example: If a checkout clerk is rude to you and you believe that you must have done something to cause it, when there is a more plausible explanation for the person’s behavior.

Selective Abstraction: when a person makes a judgment based on some information but disregards other information. Example: Someone attends a party and afterward focuses on the one awkward look directed her way and ignores the hours of smiles.

Overgeneralization: making a board rule based on a few limited occurrences. Example: Believing that if one public speaking event went badly that all of them will.

Dichotomous Thinking: categorizing things into one of two extremes. Example: Believing that people are either excellent in social situations or terrible, without recognizing the large gray area in-between.

Labeling: attaching a label to yourself after a negative experience Example: Feeling awkward at a party leads to the conclusion: “I’m an awkward person”.

Source: Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.

SugarHigh

Thanks Metro, a lot of that rings true. I find it's much more useful to have things broken down for me like that then simply being told to "think positive".:)

I got a hold of Becks latest "Cognitive Therapy of Anxiety Disorders" and I'm making way through it now.

Yournamehere!

If you are looking for motivation and to see the good that people possess(?)I would highly recommend reading some of the "Chicken soup for the soul books"

Shows only positive things:-)