Help on some questions I have about giving it up?

StartingOver 9711

Hi any help would be great

Heres a bit about myself,

Drinking has been part of my life since I was 15, I am now 23 years old. I drink large amounts when I do and sometimes have been known to go for 2-3 days.

I want to stop because I am an incredibly shy person in social situations, I always use it to give me the courage to talk to people, meet girls and generally make myself less uncomfortable around people I dont know.

More and more lately I have been feeling depressed and guilty after Drinking. I would really love to be able to enjoy 1 or 2 pints in a pub and have a good time. I know this will mean I will probably have to give it up totally for a long time until I have the confidence to do so. Nothing changes when nothing changes and all that.

Im ready to leave behind a lot of people that I know. I am lucky enough to have a handful of real friendships in my life.

Anyone been in the same boat as myself regarding the shyness and drink issue?

Any stratagies on resisting the urge? All of the people I know are in their 20s so it tends to be all they do at weekends!

Any thoughts?

Lisa8786

Hey I'm kind of in the same situation as yourself. Started drinking when I was 14 and heavily when I was 18. I do act outgoing but I'm shy deep down and I think I just used drink to help me sail through social situations and smooth over the rough edges. Over time though I realised this took away all the goals and aspirations I had for myself as I put them on the back burner to go on the piss. Not drinking makes me feel more confident and more like one person rather than two different people and that gives me the motivation to pursue the other interests in my life.I have given up this time and I know it's for good. I don't have a problem with people drinking I did have some good times! but it's not for everyone and at the end of the day and what I've always known really is that it's not for me. I think the determination comes from knowing the reasons you are giving up, the good changes that will come from it and from believing in both of these. You just have to keep reminding yourself when you're out and think of waking up the next day and being proud that you stuck to it. Don't get caught up in the night, it's only a few hours and the next day you will either wake up feeling great or feeling like you're back to square one. I also find the less you act like it's a big deal the less other people will react. The first time I gave up I found myself explaining myself and having conversations with people why I wasn't drinking but now I realise I don't owe anyone an explanation, I just shrug don't make a big deal of it and if someone else wants to act like it is then I'll turn away and continue my night. I hope some of this helps anyway, sorry if it seems like mostly waffle! :P p.s don't drink red bull if you go out, it's not good the next day

Sunnyisland

If you are struggling with sobriety then it is time to make a decision to actually give recovery a chance.

Give yourself 30 days sober, and then take a step back and try to be objective.

What you thought was going to be 30 days of complete misery is actually going to surprise you a bit.

You will notice, over and over again, that you actually are having fun. You are laughing. You are experiencing special moments, and finding real joy in your life. But you have to work to notice these moments of fun, and hang on to them.

Sure, you may still feel depressed at times, and you may long for a drink in some cases. But make sure to notice the good moments as well. You will have them. It is your responsibility to notice the fun moments and embrace them. Amplify them.

Learning how to have fun in recovery is a learning experience
Like everything else in recovery, figuring out how to have fun again is a learning process.

You will get better at it with time. And the process itself takes time.

So don’t rush it. Know that good times are coming, and that you can live and laugh and have a blast in your life again. Real joy and contentment is possible, if only you will commit to recovery and stick it out through the hard times.

Life gets good again. You just have to give it a chance.;)

StartingOver 9711

Lisa8786 wrote: »

Over time though I realised this took away all the goals and aspirations I had for myself as I put them on the back burner to go on the piss. Not drinking makes me feel more confident and more like one person rather than two different people and that gives me the motivation to pursue the other interests in my life.

I actually found the same thing myself regarding other interests. I’m a creative sort of person with aspirations of doing things; I always found that I was putting it off with the booze. Drinking was always getting in the way of the things I really wanted to do. I was losing days to hangovers and the cycle never ended. I’ve always felt sort of like two people as well.



I will keep the thing about the redbull in mind, although I dont think i'm even at that stage yet:o:D! As a matter of interest thing with the shyness, Im guessing you were anxious going out for a while after?





Great advice realies seriously, thanks! (I dont know how the other way)

hubba

Lisa8786 wrote: »

Hey I'm kind of in the same situation as yourself. Started drinking when I was 14 and heavily when I was 18. I do act outgoing but I'm shy deep down and I think I just used drink to help me sail through social situations and smooth over the rough edges. Over time though I realised this took away all the goals and aspirations I had for myself as I put them on the back burner to go on the piss. Not drinking makes me feel more confident and more like one person rather than two different people and that gives me the motivation to pursue the other interests in my life.I have given up this time and I know it's for good. I don't have a problem with people drinking I did have some good times! but it's not for everyone and at the end of the day and what I've always known really is that it's not for me. I think the determination comes from knowing the reasons you are giving up, the good changes that will come from it and from believing in both of these. You just have to keep reminding yourself when you're out and think of waking up the next day and being proud that you stuck to it. Don't get caught up in the night, it's only a few hours and the next day you will either wake up feeling great or feeling like you're back to square one. I also find the less you act like it's a big deal the less other people will react. The first time I gave up I found myself explaining myself and having conversations with people why I wasn't drinking but now I realise I don't owe anyone an explanation, I just shrug don't make a big deal of it and if someone else wants to act like it is then I'll turn away and continue my night. I hope some of this helps anyway, sorry if it seems like mostly waffle! :P p.s don't drink red bull if you go out, it's not good the next day

Same situation as you Lisa8786. Gave it up before but I got all caught up in what other people thought of me and why I was doing it. This time I'm crystal clear as to why I quit (just 2 weeks ago), have tons of goals and plans and things to do that I never got around to cos I was either on the piss or recovering. Or even the times in between you are never really at 100% so life just passes you by. Now I'm so excited to be moving forward again and frankly I couldn't give a crap what people think, and as you say, it's only a few hours every week and if not drinking, it doesn't have any negative affect the other 6.5 days. Yes2life, time to live again ..

hubba

In response to OP, drink actually destroys your confidence over the years so when you quit, it can be a little nerve racking at first but it wears off very quickly when you realise most people aren't even aware whether you are drinking or not after the first 20 minutes. All they care about is that they are getting their fix. Keep moving in the first 20 mins, go to loo, go outside for a minute, walk around the room if you feel the need, it distracts both you and those you think may be watching you (some drinkers get paranoid around non-drinkers).

It takes balls to quit but within 7 days you will feel on top of the world, believe me. Just do it, as the ad says. It's sooo worth it.

Crystalset

hubba wrote: »

It takes balls to quit but within 7 days you will feel on top of the world, believe me. Just do it, as the ad says. It's sooo worth it.

7 days hubba? You were very lucky to get over it so quickly. My guess is that
you were in your 20s when you became sober. The longer you have been
drinking the more difficult is stopping.
I am saying this because it would be a pity if someone became despondent
when after 7 days abstinence they were not feeling on 'top of the world'
Remember it is a fight worth winning.

Lisa8786

As a matter of interest thing with the shyness, Im guessing you were anxious going out for a while after?
[/QUOTE]

Yeah I was the first time I gave up. I lasted 3 months and then I gradually folded but the friends I was with were very unsupportive so that was a big factor. I'm kind of at the end of my rope at this stage so I don't even care anymore. I'll take whatever comes my way! It all depends how you talk to yourself I think aswell. If you catch yourself thinking "oh god I feel so awkward" or "I'm being too quiet" or something like that stop yourself. As I said remind yourself of your reasons for quitting and don't feel bad or embarassed about them. It's your life and there are plenty of people out there who will accept you to counter those who may not. I think the first time I was so hung up on the negatives about what people were going to think and why was I the only one who wanted to give up etc but that's natural I'm sure. Try to focus on the positives, meeting new people, listening to a good band whatever you would normally think about when you go out but if you feel really really uncomfortable at the same time you don't have to torture yourself. Maybe just a couple of hours in the pub once a week first instead of going out on an all night bender with no drink for example to ease yourself in! If your friends are true friends they will like you for who you are even if you don't drink. Also don't be afraid to be shy. Some shy people are more interesting once you get to know them.

Companero

this is a pretty common story, and would describe me as well: You're shy and find it difficult to make friends/cop off with girls, and at around 15 you discover that drinking makes this (seem) easier. So you continue to drink anytime there are large crowds of people to interact with, and/or girls to chat up.

As a result, unlike teenagers in less-alcohol focused countries, you never really get over the fear that such situations entail, as you are always a little bit pissed in such situations. You can literally (as many Irish people do) go decades without ever facing up to those fears head-on, and as a result remain (in that regard at least) frozen at the age you took up drinking.

The only way to get over this is to give up alcohol totally, go to parties and socialise, make a few attempts to score, and see with clear sober eyes, that the sky does not fall in when you do these things sober, and that they are almost always much easier to do than you think they are. Then the fear will melt away.

Of course at the same time, some of the things that Irish people consider 'fun', will always bore you: I have been off booze for 4 years now, I love house parties, I love dancing, I love fun, but sitting in a pub talking inconsequential crap bores the living **** out of me, and it always will: This is because Irish people drink to make sitting at the same table for 7 hours talking about nothing much SEEM fun, when in reality it isnt.

Dancing to good music actually is fun though, as are good gigs, meeting interesting people, and hooking up with beautiful women. The difficulty of course, can be , however that you will sometimes be disappointed by what real life has to offer: Many gigs ARE actually kind of crap, you cant cop off with just any woman, you have to genuinely fancy one to end up with her, and friends have to be people you really connect with, not just random people you get drunk with.

It can require quite a lot of effort to live your life this way, especially in a country where most people are rushing in the opposite direction. But it is worth it. Cultivate friends from more advanced countries if you can, most Continentals and a decent number of Americans/Canadians/Australians are good people to seek out, even if they are drinkers, they tend to use the sauce as an aid to , rather than a replacement for , a good time. Heres my little blog about my experiences should you feel like a read:

http://thesickbag.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

hubba

Crystalset wrote: »

7 days hubba? You were very lucky to get over it so quickly. My guess is that
you were in your 20s when you became sober. The longer you have been
drinking the more difficult is stopping.
I am saying this because it would be a pity if someone became despondent
when after 7 days abstinence they were not feeling on 'top of the world'
Remember it is a fight worth winning.

Hi Crystalset, I am 44, drinking for 28 years, most of it heavy. I don't consider it luck to feel on top of the world. I did a lot of research and gave my decision to quit a lot of thought and consideration. To clarify, I speak about my state of mind, I feel so relieved to be out of that world and so feel 'on top of the world' but I take your point about giving people false hope so I amend my previous post to say once you make the decision, and are prepared (have plan in place to stay busy, have practised how to say no thank you etc) then I honestly do believe you will feel great.

But OP it's not all plain sailing, I'm just 15 days into it now, and have just spent time with extended family and one particular family member kept needling me about not drinking (in front of everyone else in the family) and basically said I was welcome back to stay anytime, as long as I was drinking (repeated on two separate occasions). It's this type of reaction which I find most challenging. It upsets me that people I love can be so negative but I also realise this is guilt on her part about her own drinking, which she probably isn't even aware of. On the other hand, other people whom I expected to totally rip me to shreds re abstaining, were 100% supportive so a surprising weekend all 'round. All in all I'm feeling a little low after the weekend so I will do bit of motiving reading to remind me of my priorities and will do this any time I feel I need to as going backwards it NOT an option.

Physically, I found no problem at all, though I had a little help from the doc for first few days to help me sleep but nothing after that.

I am definitely a shy person, not a natural conversationalist or easy with wit etc, I am usually quite an anxious person but I truly believe that I was getting worse and worse as the years went by and that drink was the main inhibitor to me developing as a person and so, that was my main reason for quitting.

I originally intended avoiding going out for a while but I find I am not as fearful as I had imagined I would be about facing people and have been out many times with different people and am getting a real buzz from driving home (instead of bussing or waiting for a taxi). Once the fuss about ordering the first drink is over, then all seems to settle into the old routine.

Anyhow, this is why I feel so good right now, it is a mental high based on the fact that I know I am doing the right thing - but I know I have hurdles to overcome socially and many skills to learn but at least now I know I am moving forward, developing positively as a person and will end up much better off (and those around me) as a result.

OP - you may dread quitting, is my point, and the hardest part, IMO, is making the decision to do so, but after a short while, just a number of days, I am wholely convinced you will feel much more confident and positive about you abilitiy to carry on successfully.

I wish you all the best.

Crystalset

Hubba, I missed the 2 weeks ref. in your first post. Bon voyage.

Koltashe

OP u got some great advice and ideas here, so here is a list of things that helped me when I gave up:

I've been completely off the drink for 2 and a half months then had a minor slip up as I though I was ready for an occasional drink, and am now back to not drinking at all.

I started by giving up for the lent, which has helped me enormously at the beginning. First it was an answer easily accepted by everyone when inquiring about my non drinking and was not followed by comments or suggestions I should have a drink. And most importantly on those moments when I felt like throwing in the towel, the thought that there was an underlying specific reason why I am not drinking has helped me stick to my guns.

After the lent was over I felt amazing about having stayed off the drink that long, and it gave me the confidence that I can keep doing it. I lasted another month and unfortunately then started allowing myself a glass of wine on an occasion, which eventually ended up in a two major piss ups in a row. I came to realize that I am not ready yet to have just one occasional glass/pint so watch out for those moments when you think you can do it. And if you do slip up don't berate yourself just accept that you made a mistake and move on with a stronger commitment to stay away from alcohol.

On a more practical side:
Drinking non alcoholic beer has helped me get over my own mental discomfort of sipping a coke or water in a pub/bar/restaurant. In my drinking days though I never drank beer so I am guessing this is why it has helped me in the early days.

Not going out on weekends in the first while has worked amazing, though in order not to feel left out or depressed I packed my days with plenty of activities that left me knackered by the evening that I simply was too tired to go out. I did it all cycling, hiking, going to exhibitions and walking around for hours, cleaning the house, just anything that would leave me with no energy.

Going to theater worked great for weekends, it gave me a sense and feeling that I have been out and provided some entertainment and a highlight for the weekend without involving the alcohol.

For me personally changing the routines has been the key. Eg instead of meeting my girls for lunch where I would definitely be tempted to have a glass of wine I would meet them for coffee in a coffee shop where no alcohol is being served.

I started getting up at 6 am, this meant I had to go to bed early thus I was not lazing around the house in the evening craving a glass of wine. It is better to have free time in the morning rather than evening as you are less likely to feel depressed in the morning.

I think initially the best strategy to adopt is to cut out all unnecessary situations where u might be tempted and then gradually ease yourself back into it, you cant miss your granny's 80th but you sure can give Friday after work get together a miss! Though what I have found after a while of not drinking I actually have no interest in going out and listening to my friends talking c**p while they are pissed. I much rather take a bath and relax with a book on a Saturday evening!

Best of luck to you! It might get tough at times but the rewards you get are well worth it!

Koltashe

Oh I forgot to mention that I also started seeing a therapist once a week for an hour and this helped me get over some of the shyness issues I have, gave me confidence in my abilities and also helped get through some issues that normally would have required a drink or two to get over.