Am I Being Used?

LegacyUser

I'll keep this as brief and straightforward as possible....was in a 'relationship' with a guy for approximately two years. Was in love with him to a fault perhaps...during that time he broke it off 3 times.....yes, three times. Both early 30's by the way.

Each time he led me to believe it was a definite decision, end of the line etc. Excuses citied generally revolved around commitment-phobia, not being right for each other, unsure of being truly in love etc.

Usually a period of four weeks would pass before one or the other of us would make contact or bump into each other when out, resulting in us back together. Generally, we'd talk things through, resolve outstanding issues and be back to being a couple.

After a recent enough break-up, he's back again, claiming repair is possible, that we have a future together etc. Thing is, I know I'm going to be lambasted by people here for even entertaining this guy but I do love him....It's not easy to follow your head. I suppose I'm looking for people to point out the obvious. Thanks in advance.

Otis Driftwood

A good friend of mine was in a similar situation a few years ago.

On again,off again,always yer man holding the cards and her spending nights crying over him.

She eventually saw sense and cut the cord.

Its something only you can do.

All the advice in the world doesnt matter until you finally take that first difficult step yourself.

The best advice I can give is advice I heard from another mod here.

If it was a friend of yours in your shoes,what would you advise them to do?

fghijkl

Thing is, I know I'm going to be lambasted by people here for even entertaining this guy but I do love him....It's not easy to follow your head.

If you keep putting your hand in the fire, then you'll keep getting burnt.
Stop putting your hand in the fire. It's that simple.

Each time he led me to believe it was a definite decision, end of the line etc

Come on now, no he didn't, you allowed yourself to believe it.

The first ok, maybe he deserved the benefit of the doubt.

The 2nd time he broke up with you and you took him back....you still believed he'd change, even though you'd heard it all once before??

The 3rd time ...... you still believed he'd change, even though you'd heard it all twice before??

The 4th time ...you still believe he'll change, even though you've heard it all thrice before??

Do you see how insane that is?

Ask yourself why are you allowing yourself to believe him when you know he's not going to change?

Am I Being Used?

No, you're allowing yourself to be used.
Maybe you should take a step back and figure out why it is that you're allowing this man to use you?
You can rationalise it as "Love". But you know that's not true.
You shouldn't have to sacrifice your dignity or selfworth for love.
Love isn't an excuse to allow someone to treat you like dirt.

Miss Fluff

More's the fool me wrote: »

I'll keep this as brief and straightforward as possible....was in a 'relationship' with a guy for approximately two years. Was in love with him to a fault perhaps...during that time he broke it off 3 times.....yes, three times. Both early 30's by the way

Why do you think you have you put the word "relationship" in inverted commas?

Seriously, move on.

thefeatheredcat

Take the emotional aspect out of it OP and look at it from the perspective/advice that fghijkl has outlined.

I've been there in friendships in a way that was friends for along time, things change, friendship stalemate , no contact, then run into eachother end up being friends again after catching up, fall out or lose contact, then long periods of no contact, then catch up and find out they went through hell, back being friends out of what was missed and guilt, repeat the same steps again, then no contact except when need help or a favour....

it's not the same thing I know, but it's still a vicious cycle. Get yourself out of it and don't let yourself be second best or the reliable comfort to someone who isn't going to stick around but will instead just lead you on to disappoint you each time.

Do you want to be in your early 40s still in this scenario when you could have found someone much better than him and experienced the happiness you deserve with someone who will make that commitment to a secure and loving relationship?

Fentdog84

Judge people by their actions, not their words. This guy basically dumped you four times, and yet he keeps coming back adding insult to injury, and justifying himself in the process. He's playing with you and your emotions. For selfish reasons, probably. You deserve better than to be treated in this way. Theres your cold outsider's view. Good luck.

I am a friend

More's the fool me wrote: »

It's not easy to follow your head.

Well following your heart isnt exactly working..

Why are you lettig this guy treat you like a puppet? Do you have self esteem issues and its not good enough to say that you love him. HOw much does he love you? Seriously, he cant if he is treating you like this... Any guy I know, who is truly in love would not let his GF for the world, on the off chance someone else would snap her up.

He obviously knows you will be handing round waiting for him and he can p off when it suits him and snap his fingers and you will com back...

You really need to get some self-respect and learn your own worth... To be frank, he is just keeping you hanging til someone else comes along.

MissFlitworth

I am a firm believer that you only have one life & a responsibility to yourself to make the most of it & that part of that is not wasting years on people who dick you around.

If I was you & I was thinking of giving this guy another chance I'd tell him to leave me alone for about 6 months to be sure that he actually wants to be with you because his next chance is his last. I'd also consider the relationship to be over & in the 6 months make a huge effort to move on & build up my self esteem to the point that I wouldn't tolerate any rubbish from a guy like that or let myself be manipulated. That way if you do get back together (if you're even interested in him after long stretch away from his ridiculous carry on) you're both definitely in it because you want to be and you yourself are a stronger person who will be able to call a day on it if you don't like how he carries on.

I definitely wouldn't get back with him now, he sounds like the kind of person who can't bear to be by himself but doesn't particularly want to be with you either

LegacyUser

Thanks everybody regarding above. I have been considering my stake in this relationship in terms of self-esteem, self-worth etc and it's obvious I have some things to iron out. I suppose it all starts here. That's not to say this is going to be easy-it's not, by any stretch. Maybe that's the point. But I do realise I have to look after myself. Thanks a mill guys.

greengiant09

i can't get over the amount of women coming on to this forum with the exact same problem.....i'm going to open myself a clinic specialising in helping women cut guys who are using them out of their life!

LegacyUser

Well it's not your boyfriend who's doing all this, you're doing it (by enabling him to do it to you). You make it sound that it's all him, that he's pulling the strings, but you wouldn't be in the 'relationship' if you didn't want to be there.
If you can be so mentally strong as to ignore such glaringly obvious signals that he's messing you around, you can be mentally strong enough to believe you don't need him. It's entirely down to you as to how you think about these things.
If you get rid of him, you can leave yourself free to meet someone who will treat you with respect and not like a piece of recyclable rubbish.