need to end it

LegacyUser

going out with a guy quite a while and now but i really want to break off relationship-but i'm trying to do it gently. there isn't any other reason then he's driving me nuts.......
have tried subtle hints- might as well be hitting head off wall...... he seems to think all is ok.
i feel emotionally tied as he was in a relationship that ended very badly before and at the beginning of this i was ok and sympathetic about his past......
Now I reckon i see why it ended. he is needy, whiny, tight, and is always miserable about something......
ok-i know i should just fess up-lifes too short- but i'm afraid of how he'll react.but i really dont think i can carry on the charade much longer.
i've googled 'how to end it nicely' til i'm blue in the face.so please- real people- how can i end this ? and not feel like a bitch for doing it......

Miss Fluff

needtoendit wrote: »

i've googled 'how to end it nicely' til i'm blue in the face.so please- real people- how can i end this ? and not feel like a bitch for doing it......

It's a bit of a contradiction in terms because invariably you are going to feel like a bitch, regardless of how "nicely" you do it.

You just need to rip the plaster off. Phone him and tell him you need to talk to him about something important in person which will hopefully prepare him a little. Then sit him down, tell him that you don't see a future for the two of you and that you don't want to lead him on so it's best to call it a day. Do not suggest that you want to stay friends (:rolleyes:) and tell him it's probably best if you cut contact for a while.

Kevin Duffy

There is no "nice" way to break up. You can do it in a healthy, fair, honest but tactful manner, but if someone wants to be in the relationship it's still going to come down to stopping it and they won't see that as "nice".

Far worse would be to fudge the language, talk about breaks, or space or any of the other "gentle" approaches that don't really address the truth and leave the other person confused or hopeful, or waste time turning what should be a straightforward (if hurtful) process into a drawn out drama.

His reaction, his feelings, are not your responsibility. You can be mannerly, fair and tactful, but you can't say anything other than it's ending and let him deal with his feelings himself. We have some responsibility for each others feelings when we're in the relationship, but once it's over we all have to look after ourselves.

As has been said, you will feel like a bitch. He will probably think you're being a bitch too. But you aren't. Staying with someone you don't like isn't fair on you and isn't fair on them. You just have to say it, bluntly and clearly. Be concise, be calm, and if he starts coaxing you into a "stay in touch"/"still close friends"/"still hang out" corner, stand your ground and say that this is something you have to do.

Otherwise you're just wasting your time and his.

He definitely sounds like a difficult customer. If he starts getting all whiny, keeps asking "why? why are you doing this?", don't fall for it. You've made a decision and you need to see it through.

needtoendit

needtoendit wrote: »

have tried subtle hints- might as well be hitting head off wall...... he seems to think all is ok.

Ending a relationship is not the time for "subtle hints". Not by a long shot.
Sit him down and tell him and get it done. Do not talk about taking a break or having space or leave any room for interpretation, as any hope will prolong it and make it worse on both of you.
You will feel horrible and guilty and bitchy, and that's just how it has to be.

Mighty_Mouse

going out with a guy quite a while and now but i really want to break off relationship-but i'm trying to do it gently.

Subtle hints is not the way to end a LT relationship.
There's really no other way than straight-up brutal honesty.

ok, after 3 dates you can serve some "sick-cat", "work-load", soft crap, but once its a proper thing. There's no other way.