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The Domino Killer
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06-06-2011 1:06pm#1Hi I started a topic in afterhour about being bored and some body said i should try to write some storys. does anybody have some advice about starting writing? i think i will try and put a story up here soon , should i put it up here or in afterhour? thanks
>>>I have the start of my story writen so look at it please and tell me what you think :P0
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He knew the killer was out there somewhere, but he didnt know where, and that was the problem. How can the head of the garda not even figure out a simple case like this , he thought to himself as he serveyed the city far below him. He was standing on the balcony of a tall building alone. The plum night sky was like a ceiling, low and opresive as it hung above him. He new that somewhere in the city the domino killer was getting ready for his next murder. The victim is probebly happily sitting with her family tonight , he tought to himself , but tomorrow it will be rubbish bins and rats that she lies with. The only clues so far are the dominos left at the scene of the crime. It is like he is mocking us he tought to himself. What kind of sick mind could do this , he said out loud but then he instantly scolded himself. No Harry , you cant think of him like that , you must empatise with him if you are ever going to know how his mind works. You have to think like a killer. The wind picked up a little bit as Harry looked out over the city the last time. I will find you Domino , I will bring you to justice
hope you like it and can tell me if it is good thanks! 0 -
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It has potential, and could be the start of an interesting story.
I would suggest that you cut out all the "he thought to himself". The reader knows she is in the mind of your characters (what is his name? why does he have to think like the killer?) so you don't have to keep saying it.
You might shorten your sentences a little, it gives a great sense of urgency.
hey thanks
i was saying he has to think like a killer because he is trying to catch one so he will work out what he thinks and then try to guess what the killer will do from knowing that. his name is Harry and he is the head of the garda0 -
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Head investigater Clint Cage walked down the allie way. The flashing blue lights of the squad car were behind him and he didnt want to look at them , because he knew they could only mean one thing....another murder. He looked around for the police.
"Detective Jenkins" Said Clint as he saw the young detective infront of him. Detective Zack Jenkins was new to the police department , but he was doing well so far. Clint asked him questions, many many questions. But then he asked the only one that really mattered to him.
"Is there a domino?" He asked Zack.
"No" He replied.
A strange sense of releif washed over Clint. It was strange because he was looking at a dead girl, only 20 years old, but he was still feeling happy that it wasnt another domino killing. He nealed down next to the dead body and looked at her. Now he felt sad for her. She had a pretty face , but there was a bit of blood on it. Hmmm she was strangled and shot...just liek all of the domino killers murders. He felt scared as he tought about this. Suddenly something caugt his eye. The girls mouth was full. He put on one of the plastic gloves and opened her mouth. Inside there was blood and it ran down her face. Then he took out the little bag that was in her mouth. He let the blood drip off. And then he saw what was in it....a domino!
I fixed some of the problems from the first one. I changed his name and I didnt put in the thinking to himself parts. And I tried to show how he feels emotonaly. Please tell me what you think is good and bad hope you like it! It is good fun writing! 0 -
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This has a lot of potential, and there are a few good images that I will point out as I go along, the first thing I will say though, is spelling, a quick run through a spell check in Microsoft word will sort most of them out, but not them all (eg. It might say capitalise Allie because it is a name, rather than change it to alley, because word doesn’t recognise words that sound similar but are used wrongly)
Anyway, on with the critique!
anything i have changed in the text i have changed to blue, then explained the reasons for the change, mostly though i just put my comments after the paragraph. I have looked over everything you posted rather than taking one, or doing them both individually.
He knew the killer was out there somewhere, but he didnt know where, and that was the problem. How can the head of the garda not even figure out a simple case like this , he thought to himself as he serveyed the city far below him. He was standing on the balcony of a tall building alone.
Try to point out that it is a thought someway before you actually say it, you can use quotation marks and finish with he thought or italicise it and finish the same way, either way, it helps the reader determine that he is thinking rather than it being part of the narrative.
Quotation marks are usually used for speaking and I have mostly seen thoughts in italics so maybe go with that.
The plum night sky was like a ceiling, low and opresive as it hung above him.
I quite like the connection between plum and hanging, even if it was unintentional it was good and shows you have some skill. Maybe add coloured after plum? I think it sounds slightly better, but then it is up to you, what sounds better to me might sound atrocious to someone else!
He new that somewhere in the city the domino killer was getting ready for his next murder. The victim is probebly happily sitting with her family tonight , he tought to himself , but tomorrow it will be rubbish bins and rats that she lies with.
Once again thought thing, it can be a bit jarring, as I read it it was part of the narritive then I’m told he is thinking it, it kinda shifts perspectives a bit
The only clues so far are the dominos left at the scene of the crime. It is like he is mocking us he tought to himself. "What kind of sick mind could do this" , he said out loud but then he instantly scolded himself. "No Harry , you cant think of him like that , you must empatise with him if you are ever going to know how his mind works. You have to think like a killer." The wind picked up a little bit as Harry looked out over the city the last time. I will find you Domino , I will bring you to justice
Who’s harry? Is that Clint? Or someone else who havn’t been introduced to yet? Also, as he is speaking you should use quotation marks, you can use “ or ‘ I have seen both be used for speaking. Add to the “last time” as it is it sounds like he is going to die or it is the last time he will ever look at the city. Maybe, for the last time before he turned and left?
Head investigater Clint Cage walked down the allie way. The flashing blue lights of the squad car were behind him and he didnt want to look at them , because he knew they could only mean one thing....another murder. He looked around for the police.
I’m confused? He is walking away from the lights, towards the body, but he dosnt want to look at the lights because he knows that means there is a body?
Maybe have him walking towards the lights, hoping that there isn’t a body there, that it’s some other crime and I would have thought that police uniforms were fairly easy to spot, so maybe saying that he looked for someone he recognised from the police or someone who knew about the domino case. The ellipses here are not necessary, you could simply use a comma in its place.
"Detective Jenkins" Said Clint as he saw the young detective infront of him. Detective Zack Jenkins was new to the police department , but he was doing well so far. Clint asked him questions, many many questions. But then he asked the only one that really mattered to him.
"Is there a domino?" He asked Zack.
"No" He replied.
A strange sense of releif washed over Clint. It was strange because he was looking at a dead girl, only 20 years old, but he was still feeling happy that it wasnt another domino killing. He nealed down next to the dead body and looked at her. Now he felt sad for her. She had a pretty face , but there was a bit of blood on it. Hmmm she was strangled and shot...just liek all of the domino killers murders. He felt scared as he tought about this. Suddenly something caugt his eye. The girls mouth was full. He put on one of the plastic gloves and opened her mouth. Inside there was blood and it ran down her face. Then he took out the little bag that was in her mouth. He let the blood drip off. And then he saw what was in it....a domino!
Where was the blood? Was it splattered on her? Streaked? Where did the blood ocme form? Domino Killer should be capitols because it’s a name, like Jack the Ripper.
How did he know the girls mouth was full if it was closed? Maybe the cheeks bulged? But then, if it was full to capacity, the lips would be parted slightly as the muscles are relaxed after death. The blood running down her face is fine if there was blood pooled in the mouth that was pushed out as the plastic bag was pulled out.
You don’t need the ellipses there, maybe just a comma.
oh and you don't need to put a space before a comma.
Over all, as i said before, it is good and has potential, you have the hard part done, a good storyline and the rest is just editing which can be learned.
Also a really good way to edit is to read it outloud (if you can) it allows you to read it how your reader will and allow you to catch things you may have skimmed over previously or hear jarring phrasers/help you find things that while they sound fine/make sense in your head may be confusing.
looking forward to seeing the rest and keep at it!
Hey thanks that is alot of help it is a really good reply thanks so much!
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It was already nearly 3 in the morning , and almost everybody had gone home. From the outside the garda head offices looked empty. Just one like twinkled in the darkness , the light in head detective Paul O'Brien's office (changed his name from Clint Cage to Paul O'Brien to sound more irish because Clint Cage sounds too american:p) He was going over the case files. The lives of six young women reduced to sterile crime scene photos, ziplock bags of blood stained evidence lay before him on pale white desks. Sometimes he spoke to them , sometimes they spoke back. Secret conversations with murder victims. They never judged , they only spoke, of there lives and there loss. The light rain tapping on the window was like a metronome for the rhythm of his thoughts. The serching light of the torches which hang over the tables of evidence is incessant , and so are his questions. There relentless examination is matched by his endless pursuit of something , anything that can connect the six black dominos at the top of the room with a living breading man who somewhere sits under the same white light , and who is conducting a search of his own , but with a light of pure darkness.
I tried to fix some of the mistakes from the other ones. please tell me if it is better or worse this way and any thing else you think might help me get bette.r thanks!!! 0 -
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Don't give up, just remember that what you see in your head has to go on paper for your reader to see it too. You probably have a very clear idea of your detective character, and you know what he looks like, and how he acts and what his favourite drink is. But unless you tell us, we don't know.
When you are writing a detective story, you need to give some technical details. Not too many, because they get boring, but most of your readers will have seen enough CSI and Law & Order to have a basic idea of procedure, so you need to know at least that much.
when i read what u say it makes me want to give up
u are like my teacher , always makes me feel worse 0 -
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hey M23, don't give up! Sometimes criticism is a killer and it's easy to feel defeated by it at first. But you've done really well to take on board what people suggested and it has made your story better. Don't worry about the negative stuff - take what is useful advice and move on. There is no way to write that makes everyone everywhere happy for ever
Relax about it and keep going! I am a BIG reader and I'm pretty entertained by this, and really - isn't that what it's all about, in the end? 0 -
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If you're stuck, then maybe you should take some time to write an outline of the whole story. You basically sit down and try to figure out where you want the story to go in a general sort of way. If you know the ending, then it's easier to make it there. It's hard to do the first time, but it gets easier.
I like to outline as little as possible, but lots of people are into detailed plotting like the "blueprint" on this page: http://susan-bischoff.com/downloads. There is also the snowflake method which might work out great for you. Constructing an entire story that works is a huge step forward. http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/snowflake.php
I would also recommend reading some books in the same genre and then reading your own stuff again. It's kind of hard to get opinions on a paragraph or two, so maybe you could write a couple of chapters without caring if it sounds good or is technically correct, and then go back over it and see if you can make it better. The more you write (and read) the better your writing will become. Most writers spend longer editing than actually writing the story for the first time.
I wouldn't give up. Everyone has to start somewhere, and everyone has a lot to learn. You've only started writing stories, so don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe some of the advice you've gotten feels overwhelming, that's perfectly normal, so try to take one point at a time and see if it makes sense to you. But as I said before, I'd worry more about figuring out the story, rather than trying to make each individual sentence perfect right now.
The most important thing is to enjoy it, so best of luck with your fiction and poetry. 0 -
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