Domestic violence

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have a quick question.
After a break-up with someone I had been together for 2 years, there was an argument and he beat me up. He was drunk and says he doesnt remember.

I called the police but didnt have the heart to go through the entire process of statements and court etc.

His friends/family now hate me because I called the police and claim he couldnt possibly have done it, since he denies and he is "so nice".

I still love him and I struggle to find excuses as to why he did so. Other than that, he was a good sweet person.

I always told myself I'd leave immediately if it happened.

I know what I have to do, but it's just being very hard waking up every day to see the bruises in the mirror and reminding myself the person I loved most in the world did it to me.

How do I go on?

I don't want to tell any of my friends, as they are going to say I brought this onto myself (bf had a dodgy distant past).

I guess I'm looking for techniques to cope with the pain really, or any suggestions if anyone went through anything familiar.

Any suggestions would be mostly appreciated. Thank you.

PS. I'm safe now and we dont live together, and I decided I dont want to go to court.

Morag

Go to your dr, make sure they document any remaining injuries and take pictures of them as well, just for a record. Get your dr to get you a referal to a counsellor to talk about how you are feeling. It's hard to be where you are, we blame ourselves and we remember everytime we heard someone say that a person asked for it, or provoked it, or should have know better.

It's not your fault.
No one wants for this to happen to them.
Do tell your friends, those who are your friends will be there for you.

LegacyUser

I was in a long term relationship that had occassional violent incidents but never anything too bad, a bit of shouting, pushing, sometimes grabbed by the neck etc.

I stayed for a long time, but stayed out of "duty", the love had long since died. We were comfortable financially, but were 30 going on 60.

One day things came to a head and I decided to leave. It went down like a lead balloon, led to a huge row, which ended with things broken in the house, me being beaten, sexually assaulted.

I left that day and never went back. I never told anyone the full extent of what happened either. I should have spotted the signs earlier. Once is too much. You need to leave.

carlybabe1

feel for you op, i went through something similar so i know that part of the reason you dont want to tell your friends is in case you go back to him, you dont want them judging you both, and you dont want to lose them but fear if they know the truth and you take him back, you might.
Thats the very reason why you should tell everyone. The excuse of not remembering is very convenient, if he regretted what he done at all he would be apologising and giving up drink and going to counselling.
I seriously doubt if this is his first offence either. you need to stay away from him op, things will only get worse. Dont waste the best years of your life with someone, only for him to use and abuse you, ruin your self worth and leave you for someone else when theres nothin left of you

I am a friend

Op I have a lot of sympathy for you but think you are doing yourself and other women he will come across in the future, a huge disservice by not Pressing charges. What will he do to the next woman he gets in contact with??? Seriously, I imagine it's hard but this guy is a thug.

Forget about his family and do tell your friends for both support and in case you do ever get weak and end up going back to him.

Take pictures of your injuries as a reminder of what he did to you and if his family keep hassling you I would show the photos to them...

A pure scum bag and you are well rid...

Neyite

Op, in a similar situation to you some years ago, I went to a counsellor in the local womens shelter. It was the best thing I ever did. I would strongly recommend that you talk to someone there, they know exactly how conflicted your emotions are right now, and how you can love and hate someone at the same time.

On a practical note, she suggested that I document things with the local garda station, in the event that violence escalated after a breakup, or possible harrassment might start. I did think it was highly unlikely knowing my ex to do something like that, but it establishes a paper trail. No further action need be taken if you dont want, but remember, while your ex might leave you alone, his family might not. If you have not completed the statements, do so now. I know that you dont want to go through a court process now, but you may feel differently in a few weeks.

Well done on getting out. Thats the biggest step over and done with and it takes strength and courage to do it, now you heal, emotionally and physically. By the way, my ex was 'nice' too. They all are. But you know the truth, and that is all that matters here. They will find it harder to deny the next time he does it, and all the subsequent times after that - because he will. They will not change.

JimmyCrackCorn

I have experience of a allot of this, having three friends go through the same and coming from that kind of environment myself.

The first thing to say is there is no excuse for domestic violence its not your fault op and you are now in shock. I suggest you reach out to your friends and contact your GP. A real friend will not turn their back on you.

As for his friends and family hating you ect, i seriously doubt that and in reality it doesn't matter. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

You need to take time for yourself now and get back on your feet, you seem to have made your decision regarding court.

If you have concerns about safety ect you will have been offered a barring order. No one can tell you to do it but at least consider it.


My best advice to you is get the support you need again your GP and friends will be there to help you. You Gp will direct you towards support

Esoteric_

Hey OP, been in a similar situation although I wasn't living with the guy. I am not trying to pressure you in any way to go through with the charges but I can honestly say I regret dropping charges more than you can imagine.

As for moving on and getting past the pain - it will take time. Your true friends will believe you and will understand and will not think that you brought it on yourself. Nobody goes into a relationship if they think they'll be attacked! You need support from your friends and family and anyone you can get it from. Don't bottle it up, please. I did and it was the worst mistake I made. I only started getting better once I built up a support network.

It's heartbreaking to realise that the person you cared for would hurt you, but you need to try to focus on the fact that he hurt you, not your love for him.

I can't say much else but regardless of whether or not you go through with the charges, think about counselling. It will help you put things into perspective and will give you insight about why some people do this and give you ways to cope with the shock and hurt of it all.

Best of luck OP and my inbox is there if you need to talk.

MagicMarker

I urge you to follow through with this OP, legally speaking. What he did was wrong and he needs to pay a price for his actions.

At the very least if he does this in the future there'll be a record of him doing it to you, the next woman might not be so lucky.

steddyeddy

tryingtogoon wrote: »

Hi,
I have a quick question.
After a break-up with someone I had been together for 2 years, there was an argument and he beat me up. He was drunk and says he doesnt remember.

I called the police but didnt have the heart to go through the entire process of statements and court etc.

His friends/family now hate me because I called the police and claim he couldnt possibly have done it, since he denies and he is "so nice".

I still love him and I struggle to find excuses as to why he did so. Other than that, he was a good sweet person.

I always told myself I'd leave immediately if it happened.

I know what I have to do, but it's just being very hard waking up every day to see the bruises in the mirror and reminding myself the person I loved most in the world did it to me.

How do I go on?

I don't want to tell any of my friends, as they are going to say I brought this onto myself (bf had a dodgy distant past).

I guess I'm looking for techniques to cope with the pain really, or any suggestions if anyone went through anything familiar.

Any suggestions would be mostly appreciated. Thank you.

PS. I'm safe now and we dont live together, and I decided I dont want to go to court.

You dont have to find excuses for him thats not your job and if you start to excuse any behaviour he does then it will just get worse. I would say your friends will of course understand and help you when you need it. Heres the thing though being in a relationship isnt about coping with the pain. You deserve a happy relationship. Dont worry about his friends and family if their anything like him their not to be taken seriously.

Sound Bite

tryingtogoon wrote: »

I don't want to tell any of my friends, as they are going to say I brought this onto myself (bf had a dodgy distant past).

Some great advice above OP, just want to say don't underestimate your friends. I've a distant friend (used to be a lot closer but she's shut us out) who myself and my friends suspect it being abused by her boyfriend and we are only praying for the day she comes to us for help to leave him. There is no judgment, true friends will want to support you.