is there any future in this?

LegacyUser

so i was seeing a guy, on and off, for two years. when it was off it was because i wanted to talk about 'us' he isnt good at talking about feelings etc.

basically he thinks we should just be happy the way things are, without making a 'big deal' of stuff.
i dont want to make a big deal of anything, i just want to know that he loves me, wants to be with me and we are both on the same 'wavelength' so to speak.
i know there is nothing wrong with this, its just he makes me feel stupid for asking/wanting to know.
he asks me things like do i see myself married with kids, with him, but i have no idea if he wants this with me!!

the last few months i have 'laid off' i havent made a big deal of anything and have just seen how things go. things havent changed though, i still dont feel like im important to him. im just like a back-up i think.

what do i do now though? anytime i try to talk about this he makes me feel like im in the wrong. if he knows im going to bring this kind of thing up, he avoids me until he thinks i have forgotten.
even writing this makes me feel stupid.
i've made him sound really terrible here, he isnt, he is a good guy, as long as i dont hassle him!!
we are not young by the way, both in our 30's

Neyite

If he avoids you every time you try to define the relationship, or find out where you stand, or how you feel, and only comes back to you once the awkward questions cease, then I'm sorry, i dont even think you are a back up plan, I think he sees it as a no strings relationship.

He avoids the questions because he knows he will give you the answer you dont want to hear, and possibly put an end to your hook-ups.

Faith

I really feel for you. It's a very difficult situation to be in. Have I understood correctly - it's been going on for 2 years with absolutely no commitment from him?

Starokan

from what you have posted it does not sound like he is interested in a serious long term relationship which it seems you are. Sit him down , tell him honestly what you want from the relationship, if he listens and responds positively then thats great.

if he doesnt listen, makes you feel stupid or doesnt want to have the conversation then walk away and break contact with him because you will only end up wasting more and more time on a pipe dream

LegacyUser

hi op here, yea its been two years with no real commitment, however i dont believe he has been with anyone else.
i havent, its not about that. its not even about sex.
its more about him wanting me to be there for him, just even for chats, whenever suits him.
he cant see a problem with this and expects me to be nice whenever he is in touch. if he is not in touch for a while im expected to act like i only saw him yesterday!!

i find this hard. when he isnt in touch, or avoiding me i feel really bad, like he just doesnt care.
when he contacts me again if im not nice and normal, he gets annoyed, like why am i being mean etc? kind of childish really.

it makes it very hard to have a proper conversation about anything important.
i sometimes think he hasnt a clue how to act in a 'grown up' relationship.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think it's so much he doesn't know how to act - he clearly doesn't want the same kind of relationship you do. It sounds much more like he wants some kind of FB situation rather than a relationship and all the compromising and discussion that comes with it. If that's not the kind of relationship you want then you have to sit him down and tell him it's not working for you and he's going to have to meet you half way if he wants the relationship to continue. If he can't or won't then you have to decide if half a relationship that makes you feel stupid and unwanted is really worth having.

All the best.

I am a friend

It's not clear to me what kind of a relationship this is... Are you sleeping with him, do ye date, go out, do his friends and family knOw about you?

You are clearly not getting what you want from this. After 2 years he is fobbing you off but you still sit and wait for more attention from him and for the crumbs he throws you from his table...

From my experience, if a guy want a committed relationship with you, he does not leave loose ends. He is not vague about what he wants with you, he does not evade the question / answer and he does not mess with your head... Your buddy is doing all of the above. The hard fact is that is he wants you for himself, you would know about it long before it gets to a 2 year Mark. He is leaving you open to meet someone else... If he was as interested ad you want him to be he would not be taking that risk.

Move on op and leave his guy to his own devices... Best of luck

LegacyUser

i am a friend- it isnt clear to me either!!
we go out sometimes, have dinner, cinema etc always have great time when together, we do have sex but none of it is regular.

he is in touch regularly, just goes for weeks without seeing me/ making plans.
then says he does want to see me when i ask him.

he reckons he is very private, doesnt tell people things, his friends really dont know anymore than me what goes on with him. they just say, ah thats ******** he never tells ya anything.

i should be the one person he tells stuff to though shouldnt i?

Miss Fluff

anon op wrote: »

he is in touch regularly, just goes for weeks without seeing me/ making plans.
then says he does want to see me when i ask him.

He's treating you appallingly tbh.

And everything is on his terms too, especially the dynamic and nature of the "relationship". From what I can make out he likes having you there for regular sex and the emotional support that goes with having a partner but he fundamentally won't commit because he's hedging his bets and merely keeping you on the subs bench which will always give him a free reign to do whatever he pleases when you've made no commitment to one another. He's allowing himself the possibility that something better may just come along and he will be free to pursue it. And I personally wouldn't be so confident about him not scoring anyone else when you haven't even had a chat about exclusivity tbh. Probably not what you want to hear OP but if he is loath to having a converation about committing then chances are he is not commited.

fallen01angel

Hi OP, this is quite a bizarre situation you're in.He has complete control over the "relationship",it seems that it's his way or the highway.You want clarification of the relationship he stops seeing you.You step back and don't push things,he's happy out.His friends/family barely know you exist....AFTER 2 YEARS!!
I think you need to take a long hard detached look at the last 2 years of your life and ask yourself-Am I not worth more than this.I know from horrible experience that you only get one chance at life and wasting them on a guy that doesn't appreciate what he's got is time that you can never get back.
Look after yourself.

I am a friend

Ah pet stop seeing him and def stop having sex with him. Without being harsh, you are only his f-buddy. Is that what you want?

IrishEyes19

I'm younger, but was in a similiar situation, everything was irregular and there was no way he would ever define the relationship. Don't fool yourself into thinking he isnt with other people, if that was the case, he would be in a committed relationship with you, the only positivity I got from it, was the ending of it because for the full year it went on, I was stressed from the lack of contact, lack of meeting up, moodiness when he didnt his own way and much more stress.

He wont give you the life you want OP, be it marriage and kids or whatever. And it would be a tradegy if you wasted years on someone who could that selfish not to end things if they know you want other things.

However you hold a great deal of reponsibility too, so did I when I was in that situation, you have the power to walk away and end it, and gain some control back. I cant speak for you, but the hours after seeing the same kind of person left me feeling empty because I knew I was back to square one of him acting the same way and yet it never progressed any further. You are worth much better than that and I wish you all the best