Going through texts

greenman09

Gf just pulled me up on text messages she saw on phone. I was in diff room so she went through my messages. Nothing serious or about anything in particular just not happy she went through them. Going 8 and half yrs so together a long time

car.kar

After eight and a half years together she should really trust you enough to not go through your texts. You'd want to sit her down and have a chat about that one, not a good pattern to fall in to.

kmart6

....and is there something your looking for here or just making a statement?!

[-0-]

I've no issues with my girlfriend going through my messages.

Neyite

After eight and a half years, its probably not the first time she has done it, unless your behaviour (in her opinion) has changed recently and she did it as a once off. Either way its invasion of privacy.

Talk to her and tell her that its an abuse of trust, just because you are a couple she cant assume she has the right to poke through your private correspondence.

Some couples are grand with it - I have no problem with my partner reading my texts, and Im pretty sure he still remembers my password to my email but that is just me. I would not assume that just because I am happy with it, that he would too - I would never go through his texts unless he asked me, same goes for email and letters.

WeeBushy

[-0-] wrote: »

I've no issues with my girlfriend going through my messages.

Me neither. If she's just having a general gander or needs to get something from a text then I wouldn't even think about it. In relation to her, reading my texts is on par with looking at my facebook page to check out what's new.

Guess it depends on her motives. If she was suspicious about you so was checking your texts secretly, I would be annoyed that she didn't come to talk to you about it. Other than that it's no big deal in my eyes.

Only you can judge if it is an issue or not.

LegacyUser

greenman09 wrote: »

Gf just pulled me up on text messages she saw on phone. I was in diff room so she went through my messages. Nothing serious or about anything in particular just not happy she went through them. Going 8 and half yrs so together a long time

you said she just pulled you up on them, but over what?

you go on to say that you're not happy, but you never say what made her unhappy.

obviously you need to have a chat with her about boundaries, but are you leaving anything out of this story?

LegacyUser

if after 8 1/2 years she is going through your messages and you are not happy about it i would say sit her down and talk to her about it,

myself and my other half are fairly open about passwords/reading texts but we're both incredibly nosey and it's nothing more then that, if we look it's ok... but if he didn't like me doing it, i wouldn't do it that would be invasion of privacy.

so if you told her it annoys you then yes you have the right to be annoyed, if its something you always allowed/didn't mention then tell her it's annoying you now.

ElleEm

She waited til you left the room to look? That's too secretive and she was obviously looking for something.
My partner and I know all each other's passwords and stuff, but would never use them unless it was to check something for each other.
We use each other's phones occasionally but would never look at each other's messages. It is about our privacy but it is also about the privacy of our friends/ family who may have sent texts. They didn't send them to your girlfriend- they sent these texts to YOU!

LighterGuy

greenman09 wrote: »

Gf just pulled me up on text messages she saw on phone. I was in diff room so she went through my messages. Nothing serious or about anything in particular just not happy she went through them. Going 8 and half yrs so together a long time

its just something people do, OP.
As it sounds I would just pass it on as that. Many people check their partners phone from time to time. Not all are "insecure" or it means the "relationship isnt solid" :P Its what people can do.

So i'd just pass it off. if she does it on a regular basis, then yeah that would be an issue.

It's just something people do? Check partner's phone behind their back when they're out of the room?

Azureus

Did you ask her what prompted her to look through your messages OP?
I wouldnt be too impressed if my partner looked through my phone, not because i have anything to hide but because friends etc may have confided in me about something and its essentially betraying their trust in me.

Say it to her and let her know that if she wants to know anything, that she should ask you, not resort to reading your meassages when your out of the room.

ElleEm

bluewolf wrote: »

It's just something people do? Check partner's phone behind their back when they're out of the room?

+1

This is not "just something people do", Lighterguy.
It is an invasion of privacy, the privacy of the senders and recipients of the texts.
Unless the OP told his girlfriend that he doesn't mind her looking at his phone, then it is out of order.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Somebody who has to ignore my right to privacy in order to paper over their own insecurities would have me running for the hills - I'm not surprised you are not happy. It not only suggests a complete lack of respect for your privacy and the right to communicate freely with others, it also screams that your partner doesn't trust you without regularly comforting themselves with the contents of your in-box.

I think you need to have a chat with them about boundaries - or put a code lock on your phone out of principle.

All the best. :cool:

IrishEyes19

Noticed you said, OP, she pulled you up, she obviously had a reason for it. She must be unhappy in someway, maybe you should address that first. And personally in response to other posts here, Id never give my password to even my other half for phones, emails, ect. Thats personal and private. Ive seen people do that and I dont get it. Is there anything you have now and or anywhere you go, that the OH doesnt have to access to or trail along.

LegacyUser

Much to the horror of many men, reading text messages is something that many, yes many women do. I'm not condoning it at all but most will have a look every now and then.

If she is not happy with something she saw, yes, take her up on it and ask that your privacy is respected.

But also try to reassure her that she has no reason to worry. By blocking her out and freaking that she has read your messages will only make her more insecure. A little reassurance can go a long long way with women.

reading_texts

reading_texts wrote: »

Much to the horror of many men, reading text messages is something that many, yes many women do. I'm not condoning it at all but most will have a look every now and then.

If she is not happy with something she saw, yes, take her up on it and ask that your privacy is respected.

But also try to reassure her that she has no reason to worry. By blocking her out and freaking that she has read your messages will only make her more insecure. A little reassurance can go a long long way with women.

Reassuring someone invading your privacy like that is not how I would go about things
Tell her to stop snooping

I am also pleased/relieved to say that my friends would not do it

prinz

I think in a relationship the boudaries of your expectation to privacy also change. The OP and his gf have been together nearly 9 years, it's not like she's some randomer he's known 9 days. I don't think she was right to check his phone when he left the room (although it sounds like she might have been if she pulled him up on something over it) but at the same time I don't think it would be a sign of a very healthy relationship that after 8+ years together they'd still be setting out the boundaries, surely it's come up before.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I suppose I'm coming from a different angle. Has she respected your privacy before? I never checked my oh phone, email, letters until I had suspicion there was something amiss. Thank god for iphones...he was cheating. So I really feel your partner has her reasons, misguided as they may seem she has them. The best option I see is to have a frank and open conversation about this as there are bigger issues underlying this. Good luck

fatmammycat

reading_texts wrote: »

Much to the horror of many men, reading text messages is something that many, yes many women do. I'm not condoning it at all but most will have a look every now and then.

If she is not happy with something she saw, yes, take her up on it and ask that your privacy is respected.

But also try to reassure her that she has no reason to worry. By blocking her out and freaking that she has read your messages will only make her more insecure. A little reassurance can go a long long way with women.

Really? I've never gone through my partner's phone, and never would. Or his wallet or checked his email or his mail. It's NOT how this woman behaves. If I want to know something I'll ask him.

gargleblaster

Some people have issues with insecurity. Sometimes those issues are all in their head, sometimes it's more an intuition - and sometimes that snooping actually pays off, in that those who just 'felt' something was wrong find evidence of it, and can then move on with their lives and stop living with the anxiety of just thinking something is wrong but not knowing it. Yes, we all know it's wrong, but people are people.

So perhaps there's been enough chest-thumping over how non-insecure and proud of it we all are, and we can resume discussing the OP, or why he failed to mention what exactly he was pulled up over, or why he hasn't returned to the thread to even thank anyone for their feedback.

Mc Kenzie

i think thats so annoying if you ask me. :rolleyes: im single but its not trusting you.i would be embarresed if i was her. your not a baby she has to keep an eye on your text:D fek sake this really bugs me

Esoteric_

Was she feeling suspicious or something? I've only once checked a guy's phone and that was because I had a suspicion about something, was almost sure I was right but wanted proof. I got the proof.

Aside from that, I wouldn't bother reading my boyfriend's texts/emails/letters. I just don't see the point. If it's anything relevant to me, I'm sure he'd tell me. As for him, he doesn't bother reading mine because he thinks it's wrong, but I'd have no problem if he did want to.

Some people are just downright nosey and do it for information. Not any information in particular, just because they're curious about anything at all. I really wouldn't have a problem if my boyfriend read all my texts, emails, letters, etc, and if he wanted me to check something for him I would but I wouldn't bother going through his stuff.

If she's not done it before, there has to be a reason for it. So talk to her. If she's the type of person that's done it a few times before then there's a problem, but if it was a one-off, she obviously has suspicions about something and that needs to be addressed.

Spirited54321

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Was she feeling suspicious or something? I've only once checked a guy's phone and that was because I had a suspicion about something, was almost sure I was right but wanted proof. I got the proof.

Ditto. She must have been suspicious about something. Obviously having your privacy invaded is not a good thing. Hands up, i listened to my ex-boyfriend voicemessage inbox when i for some reason got suspicious, needless to say i hear some girl at the other end making plans for a date. Ok i felt bad for invading someones privacy, but overall i'm glad i did it, somethimes if you have a gut instinct...it's usually a right instinct.

If she didn't find anything that is 'suspicious' then i would explain how you feel. she must feel insecure, talk to her.

booboo88

I've only ever gone through a guys phone once, with good reason, as while we were cuddling in bed his ex was sending him msgs like oh you cant talk to me now cuz ur with her is it and all that bull.
So theres definitly a reason she went through your phone, as how you daid pulled you up on it? She obv found something incriminating.

I am a friend

Has the OP responded at all?

Esoteric_

I am a friend wrote: »

Has the OP responded at all?

Nope. Must have a guilty conscience

Ickle Magoo

Posts should be kept on-topic and helpful to the OP at all times.

Okay OP, while you are under no obligations to do so there is also little point in keeping a thread open if you don't want to respond to any questions or points raised that would enable posters to offer more constructive advice.

Feel free to PM me or any of my co-mods if you wish it re-opened. :cool: