how does someone get confidence?

LegacyUser

I'm from what you could call a working class background, in the sense that my parents had no money when I was growing up. I have also had a lot of problems to deal with in my life, which I won't go into here but which I usually feel proud for having survived but annoyed that they effectively wasted some years of my youth. Anyway, I have studied long and hard and I'm all grown up now, well on my way to a good career in an industry which is dominated by rich people who would be quite posh. The problem is I feel totally uncomfortable around my new colleagues and "friends". They're mostly nice to me and everything, but I feel like I have nothing interesting to add to their endless conversations about all the hundreds of countries they've visited or all the things they've done. It's everything, like the way they've done things like sailing or play sports which I have never played. My life when I was younger was just getting by day to day and now I have got to where I want to be I feel left out in the cold because I can't join in for games of this-or-that. They're so confident and at ease with themselves whereas I feel awkward and constantly second-guess everything I say and question the way I act. Money is no issue for them, whereas I have to think about people back home. I've travelled a little bit, mostly in the last two years, but its not worth talking about compared to the globe-trotting that they do, and have done all their lives. I have tried talking about my life, but they just sort of look blank - they don't have any understanding of people whose lives aren't like theirs, the subtle differences, not just the money but the way you live your life and the worries you have.
So, and I'm sorry for dragging on here, I feel so uncomfortable with my new job and my new crowd - I have started to avoid all gatherings, which I know is stupid because you're meant to just get stuck in. I wait for the time I can go home and see my old friends, some of whom have families now but who I can just have a pint or two and a bit of craic. Nobody asks me where I spent my "gap year" or how many internships I did or what countries I've lived in. At the same time they have no understanding of my job or what I do, or why. I just feel really down because I'm torn between two different worlds, and I wonder why I ever bothered working hard to get anywhere. It hasn't made me happy.
How can I just get confidence? At home people think I am really outgoing, but with work people they assume I am quite shy. Everyone keeps talking about how important "networking" is, and in these social situations my new friends can work the crowd so well, making friendly banter and impressing the bosses etc...I hate it! I am 34 this year, and this is on another topic, but I feel like I have sacrificed my chances of having a baby too because I was chasing after this stupid career for so long.
Sorry for the long post:-)

Kadongy

You feel excluded because you dont share common interests or a similar background to the people you are mixing with. I'm not sure it really is a confidence issue.

Guys are better at this sort of thing than women maybe. Guys usually have a few subjects they can talk about with random other guys without getting personal or sharing common ground. Sport is a good one; current affairs also.

If there is an interest in a sport (rugby? lol) then you could follow that a bit and converse on that - similarly with current affairs.

It sounds a bit like maybe you feel lonely and isolated a bit though, and want to connect on a deeper level. Well honestly if that is the case you probably would be better off looking at other areas to socialise than work things.

Kevin Duffy

I hate to sound dismissive OP, but I think you may be imagining the problems and may be seeing manifestations of people's attitude to you that aren't there, unless there's something more to this that you haven't mentioned. I used to live and work in a similar situation in regard to the relative material wealth of the people around me and I'm from something like the same background as you - can't say I ever experienced what you're alluding to, perhaps because I valued myself more than some social position and I would expect the same of others.

And as for 34 being too old to have children, not at all. If it's important to you, maybe re-prioritise to make space for it, but certainly don't imagine you're beyond some line in the sand that means you have now sacrificed it.

Fea.

OP, I actually understand exactly what your talking about, I hope that doesn't come across like I'm a know-it-all, I really don't mean it that way but I have found a way to deal with those feelings. Its not ideal, or an answer to your problem, but it does help a little when you have to work and talk to these people that make you feel less confident in yourself.

The next time someone says to you "Have you been to....(wherever)?" you answer "No! have you? I've always wanted to go, I would love to hear about it." Simply put, you will probably have noticed that sometimes people love to talk about themselves and if they find you a willing listener who seem genuinely interested in what they are saying, they will be a little more open to you in the long term.

As I said, its not idea, and it won't solve your confidence issues, but it does help a little.
xxx best of luck and let us know how you get on xxx

LegacyUser

Op, in regards to the work place, as the old saying goes "nothing personal, just business" stands true in this regards also.

I was similarly in your shoes and not knowing what to do I got involved with the work Clic and started getting friendly and going out on a regular basis with them as well as having the fun in work.

Problem was that my work suffered and I got associated with the work drama and politics that I could of easily avoided.

Learning my lesson, I am now first to get a job done and chat with people in work while having the odd pint, but ultimately I am there for the job and my colleagues are just colleagues.

Its true some people can pull off both and if you are one, I wish you the best, I would say though that I would be very careful as hard work and polite-friendliness does more for you than being a charmer and getting one with everyone ever has (I have seen someone finally get his just desserts from thinking charm is the best policy).

mikemac

When I was young a holiday was a day in Leisureland in Salthill, Galway. Never went on a holiday until I was 19, so poor

I moved to Dublin for a job and anywhere I've worked, the lads are rugby obsessed. You could say many went to private schools in Dublin and done a lot more traveling then me.

Me, I've never watched a game of rugby in my life. Well I attended one game and spent most of it in the bar

But OP, when your workmates have interests different to you, turn it around.
Ask them about it, people love to chat about themselves and their interests.
Be interested and let them talk and they'll talk for aaaaaages. A good listener is always appreciated. Decent book and very famous
Not saying be fake, maybe you'll learn something about a game and come to appreciate it.

As for work nights out. Don't stress over it and over office politics. But if you're 34 and feeling a bit lonely then maybe heading along would do you some good