The woman I should have married...

LegacyUser

9 years ago I returned to college to do a Masters. During that year or so I met a woman who I just really clicked with. She was maybe 4-5 years older than me. We became really good friends, but nothing happened between us. She told me a very personal account of a bad experience she had in a previous relationship - a man who had become obsessed with her. From that, I took my cue to tread very lightly. We remained friends to this day.

Over the last 9 years, I have texted her and rang her. She is the type of person who doesn't reciproate contact, probably, I'm thinking due to her previous bad experiences. We have met on several occasions however. We would randomly run into each other in remote parts of the country. This happened pretty much every year since we met. Last year I met her in a tiny village in the west of Ireland, that I never frequent. There was no prior arrangement, we just ran into each other. She told me once that she thought we were two halves of the same person, hence the constant co-incidental meetings.

I contacted her recently, and this time I felt her attitude towards me had changed. She responded to my messages immediately, and was keen to meet up. We met, and as usual it was like we never parted even though we hadn't spoken in 8 months. I find her company comforting in a way I can't describe. It's like a part of me is always searching, but when I'm her I feel my search is over. In the last 9 years I have never met anyone I have gotten on as well with, or felt so comfortable.

During the last 9 years I thought that altough we got on amazingly well, if something was going to happen, it would have happened already. Now that I am a bit older, and feel like settling down I have started to think who would I like to spend my life with. I have never made a move because I don't want to ruin our friendship. She is going out with a guy for the last couple of years, but when she talks about him, it's with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. I felt really sad leaving her the last time, because I realised something. I would have to invite her to my wedding some day, and it grieved me that she wouldn't be there as my future wife.

I was out tongight with my best friend and his future wife. She said that I should declare my feelings. I am not sure what to do, any advice appreciated.

I am a friend

What are your feelings for her?? It's not entirely clear from the post.

Don't fall for that random meeting / coincidence stuff in order to convince yourself that she is the one. The same happened to me with a guy I used to see even to the level that I bumped into him in new York. I overlooked obvious indications that it was not meant to be as there were so many small happenings that make me think it was. I was looking for it to be and these justified my case (at the time).

Part of your post came across as if you were now ready to marry and she is the best candidate you can think of....

She is with someone and unless you are sure you can't live without her I would let it be...

dixiefly

Think of the practicalities first - where do you both live & work? Is it possible for the two of you to start a relationship, woud one have to move, what would the effect be on jobs etc? Can you picture the two of you living in either home? Do either of you have baggage other than her boyfriend? Think it through.

If you feel that these issues can be gotten around is there a mutual friend that knows her feelings ref you or how serious she is with her boyfriend?

If you are still anxious to develop things with her you could ask to meet her and then tell her how you feel. Dont expect her to jump all over you, give her time to think about it & weigh things up. After all there is a third party involved who could be impacted by this. Give her time to consider the situation though you may get an answer straight away.

LegacyUser

Hi - OP here, thanks for the replies...

Think of the practicalities first - where do you both live & work? Is it possible for the two of you to start a relationship, woud one have to move, what would the effect be on jobs etc? Can you picture the two of you living in either home? Do either of you have baggage other than her boyfriend? Think it through.

On a practical level it wouldn't work at all. We both live in different cities. She has a permanent pensionable, as do I. I need to be close to home, also, so I don't think I could move to her. I couldn't ask her to move to me. She is brilliant at her job, and it's a big part of her life. I couldn't see her leaving it. That said, she was talking about moving to the city where her boyfriend lives the last time we met. There is no baggage on either side.

We do have some mutual friends, but none of the ones I know, know her well enough to make a call on how she feels about her relationship.

I meant to tell her the last time we met but I couldn't. I value our friendship too much. She was telling me about her future plans with her boyfriend. It just wasn't appropriate. I have met her boyfriend. He is lovely, and - I think - he cares deeply about her. He's a good, solid man. I wouldn't have put them together though. She told me that they were very different people. The last time the three of us (me, her, and her boyfriend) were together, he more or less said, how come we hadn't ever gotten together. Neither of us said anything.

It's hard to describe my feelings for her. I don't have this mad passionate desire for her. The only way I can describe it, is that I have the deepest connection with her that I have ever felt with any person I have ever met. I could tell her anything. I feel completely at ease in her company. I don't have to do anything, or say anything. I can just be.

Don't fall for that random meeting / coincidence stuff in order to convince yourself that she is the one.

I don't think I'm doing that. It's just an indicator that our minds work in a similar way. We end up in the same places, at the same times.

solerina

If you are in love with her...............and I think it sounds like you are........TELL HER.
You have waited long enough.

pickarooney

Florentino Ariza wrote: »

It's hard to describe my feelings for her. I don't have this mad passionate desire for her. The only way I can describe it, is that I have the deepest connection with her that I have ever felt with any person I have ever met. I could tell her anything. I feel completely at ease in her company. I don't have to do anything, or say anything. I can just be.

Sometimes that's just enough. You're two people who happen to click on a certain level and that can be beautiful in a world where it can often feel like you're truly alone. Maybe you can see that if you two were together officially, permanently, geographically it would make more sense but, from your posts, I can't.