Falling out with friends, house-mates, etc.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
I wrote here before about my housemate/friend but thins have moved on since.

Basically, he started seeing a girl 6 months ago. I found her very controlling of him and after only meeting me once or twice began to say nasty things to me about myself and my girlfriend so I wasn't loving her. She doesn't seem to treat him well, he has to take her out 7 nights a week, spends loads in presents for her and all she does is come around the house, pout, sulk, shout, scream, argue, etc...
I had an argument with my friend a few months back because the screaming at 4am on worknights was too much for too long.

Since then he's basically just shut me out, he hardly comes home, never speaks to me when he does, never tells me when he's going out (we'd go out every weekend before) or anything at all. They come over and I feel like an intruder in my own home.
She's made it known to him also that I have been nasty to her and that I frighten her (we are never around each other and never talk... so WTF?)

So anyway, now he wants to move out. He text me last week telling me I haven't been talking to him and have been ignoring him when he talks to me or asks me to go out (again, I have no idea). Basically, he says I am doing to him what he is doing to me.
Next I get a 2nd text telling me I have become so awful he cannot continue to live with me. He is getting a place with her immediately. So he has told me he is going to our landlord to break the lease. Now, I am not agreeing to this, this is my home. Infact last year when our rent increases I shopped around and he refused to look at other places with me so I put myself out to keep this place, now 6 months later he wants out! So what he is trying to do is to say he is leaving, I can't pay the total rent myself meaning he thinks I have no choice but to just leave. Is it me?

Its totally unacceptable, the behaviour and telling me I have to leave because it suits him. He is doing it now because her lease is up and doesn't want her renewing without him if he cant leave here for another 6 months. So basically, he has a place to go to, it all suits her, and I have to just up and leave my home and find a new place because its suits them?

I confronted him a few days ago what all this was about but he totally backs down in person saying he wants to move with her and has nothing to do with me. But hes not talking to me for 2 months and in texts its all my fault?

I am absolutely blown away by it all.

I live abroad. I came here with a bunch of friends. This seems to be one of a series of fallouts. I haven't fallen out as such with people but there is a bit of a group mentality, lots of drama. About a year ago, I heard some stuff being said about me,its not my way to go barreling in all guns blazing but I just didnt put myself out for that person any longer. That led to me being cut from the group. This guy was one of the few left still hanging around as a friend but now he has totally lost it with me, I feel it is because his girlfriend doesn't like me but even with her, I just don't know what originally prompted her to be nasty from day 1 with me.
Now with this, of course he's told the group how awful I've been so now it just gives them more to gossip about, so as it stands I just feel totally cut out of the group by every single person in it. To be honest, I feel I haven't done anything wrong. I have had some aweful untrue things said about me and if anything feel some apologies should be made but since the gossip just spread and they believe it to be true that will never happen, All this and nobody ever actually speaks to me, asks my side, and if actually confronted NOBODY will ever stand behind the words they say behind my back, in texts, emails or whatever.

I dont know, I'm just at my wits end. I like where I live, I like my job but I just don't get why I've fallen out with so many people over things I haven't actually done. It just makes me incredibly sad and want to go home to my good friends and family at home, which isnt easy because I'd leave a really nice place and good job just to come back to see old friends.

My heads wrecked really, thanks for taking the time to read.

LegacyUser

sorry to hear the situation you're in. These kind of thing is really magnified when you're away from home and as you say away from the people you know are good friends.

Can you not advertise the room your friend will vacate and get someone to take over his side of the lease? Get a new roomie? Might be the easiest solution.

Living with a friend can lead to overkill in a relationship I think, 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Maybe in time, with a bit of space you could get your friendship back on track? Sounds like it might be best for you, your self esteem etc if you let this group of people fall by the wayside, get in touch with your good friends and your family back home to get a boost and help shift the focus from the negative things you've gone through in recent months. See about throwing your energies into attracting more new people into your life.

Maybe start with a new roommate!

I've come through a similar situation living with friends while away from home and it's horrible. I had a whole group of so called friends turn on me as a result of listening to the lies of my flatmate...but I've realised if people don't have your best interests at heart then they're not friends and therefore no loss to you.

I wish you the best with it all!

gypsy_rose

Hm,im nt totally sure what my advice would be to you except to stand your ground,but i would like to say : dont feel too badly about falling out with the group,usually when one person in the group fights with another the group sides with just one person. They obviously aren't great friends to have just dropped you like this

LegacyUser

Hi,
The apartment situation is complicated.

I could try to advertise it if it was the end of the lease and I wanted to renew with a new roomie. We rent an apartment in a complex, so the situation is for us both to agree to stay until the end of the lease or both agree to leave and pay the penalties. A sublet wouldn't be allowed by the building, and even if we just did it on the sly, he seems to think this is all MY problem to deal with. As I always understood it, if you want to leave a house before time, you need to either keep paying the rent or get someone to take over, its not the responsibility of the other housemembers.

This is what I find unacceptable. He is going to the complex office to tell them we are leaving but I have no intention of leaving before time.

But even at that I was aking again yesterday what they said to him and he was "EH,Ah, I'll send an email during the week" despite promising to go yesterday. This is his usual way, thinks nothing through, and is quite happy to leave me dangling as long as possible and probably tell me last minute he's gone. Its not on I feel. The office is right in the lobby of the building and they open late, why can he not just do things NOW and in person so I know what the heck is going on.

When the lease DOES end, I don't want to live with him anyway and may consider somewhere a little cheaper but I just don't see how all this is MY problem to deal with if HE wants to move out... he has to make the arrangements, right? But he just thinks he'll tell them he's leaving and then lease null and void, I'm just kicked out, It doesnt work like that as far as I know.

Thats the main problem. The side problem really is just feeling lost over here, the people I knew, I felt were good people but have shown to be liars, cheats, and gossip-mongers, I hate to admit it but I have been in tears at times at things said about me behind my back and when I am always left out of everything, but really, that even seems besides to point right now.

LegacyUser

I have been in the same situation, I lived and also fell out with friends and I can tell you that your better off letting this guy move out and just finding a new flat mate. if he treats you like this and is a "mate",your better of letting him go and getting a reliable room mate instead.

Living with friends is never a good idea unless you are sure you will get on together as I have unfortunately learned. Due to my experiences and I will never live with my close mates again.

In relation to others you have fallen out with, unfortunatley people talk, they talk all the time and the only way to deal with it is to not care and let them gossip and chat while you get on with your life and find new mates, as they dont really sound that nice to behonest.

I know it is hard to find new folks or friends, but if you join clubs or go to meetup.com, you will find a place to start getting on with things and meeting new people, as I can tell you now that those others do not sound like people who are anything like mates.

If there is a deposit involved here and your flatemate is not finding another tenant, try contact the company and see if there is any flexibility in getting a replacement flatmate. If not, (and i know how much this sucks) I would ask if you could ask your flate mate to keep it quiet from the company so as you can sort it on the sly.

Either way you should be the one here talking to this company and making sure he does not end up losing your deposit (otherwise I would just move out if he has done just this).

If he still does not try and help, he is being a utter utter dick as it is always the responsibilty of the person moving to sort out the details of new flatemates and I would drop this turd for what he has done.

TLDR: Try to get out with your deposit and drop this guy and these asshole mates.

LegacyUser

you mention in the first post you have a girlfriend, could you ask her to move in with you?

if not i wouldn't wait for this guy to make his move, i would start looking for a replacement roommate immediately and let him deal with the consequences himself i know you said he is a friend but he isn't treating you like a friend should.

you say it is his responsibility to find a replacement but imo this could work out bad for you, do you want a guy who's annoyed at you (even if you say it is unfairly in your case) to be picking who you live with?

if i were you i would find a new suitable roommate and just take it as a lesson learned when it comes to living with friends.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the comments, all very good and valid points.

So as I said, we live abroad. I find it a bit difficult that the friends I had here are turning out to be not so great friends, Sort of spoils the experience.

So the apartment, I haven't discussed my girlfriend moving in but it wouldn't be fair to ask her to pick up this guys rent. She has her own apartment, she'd be letting her own house-mates down and while I'm working a few years, she isn't long out of college, it'd put a big strain on her to ask her to pay a higher rent over here, so I haven't been thinking down that route.

You may be right, I might just have to bite the bullet and do some of this stuff myself if I want it to work out. I guess what I want here is for my current house-mate to just grow up and start taking responsibility for his own actions. I just really feel like it's not my responsibility to go finding his replacements, or for me to lose my deposits and pay fees for breaking a lease I don't want to break when it's all just because he wants to act like a sulky teenager and get his own way but thats the way it seems.

The situation right now is that he isn't talking to me about it when I ask for info. He wants to speak to the leasing agents first but he is also not going to see them when I ask him and in the end says he's not totally sure he is moving so its all up in the air but that doesn't really help me, if he is moving, I think he's gotta tell me, not dick me around until the last minute and then take off.

I dunno, when I ask I'm made feel unreasonable about it all and when I asked what exactly he is so moody with me for and wants to leave I get no answers... its just childish, I wish he'd just grow up and taking some responsibility for his actions but your probably right, it will work out but I probably need to just pick up some of his slack and when it's done I'll be well shot of friends like that.

LegacyUser

As a previous poster said I would agree that it is the outgoing tenant who has to make sure there's somebody to take over the lease/rent etc to ensure you get the deposit back.

Because you're mate is dicking you around you need to take the power back from him essentially by getting the wheels in motion yourself. Contact the office, explain the situation e.g. your housemate's willing to break the lease but you're not and so on and see if they can help you out at all or advise you on your options. The next time you try talk it out with your roomie it might make him more reticent. This might make your mate, excuse the expression sh*t or get off the pot. Hopefully it'll help bring the situation to a conclusion because it's so difficult to deal with that stress in your own home - no one needs that.

As for your secondary worries with your group of mates, though they were great folks when things were good they've shown their true colours now. Grieve for it as needs be but then build yourself up and keep on having a good time while you're away so this will become one small trough amongst the heady peaks of the experience you're having! It's ok to be hurt by it and have a little cry but but keep focusing on the positive and you will come out the other side of this counting your blessings that it's passed and you've gotten through it.

LegacyUser

awkwardhouse wrote: »

I dunno, when I ask I'm made feel unreasonable about it all and when I asked what exactly he is so moody with me for and wants to leave I get no answers... its just childish, I wish he'd just grow up and taking some responsibility for his actions but your probably right, it will work out but I probably need to just pick up some of his slack and when it's done I'll be well shot of friends like that.

Hmm sounds like he either is having second thoughts or is waiting until the right place appears so as he and his SO can move in somewhere else.

Either way it might be the perfect chance to try get him to sit down and at least talk about the best way to do this. If you do, keep to the subject (and be civil, don't talk about problems, just solutions) and see if try organize something which suits you both.

Also it sounds like this girl he is with has her claws in deep so do not bring her up at all, it will only spark another argument and not help you. (if she is as bad as you say, he might regret living with her).

awkwardhouse wrote: »

I dunno, when I ask I'm made feel unreasonable about it all and when I asked what exactly he is so moody with me for and wants to leave I get no answers... its just childish, I wish he'd just grow up and taking some responsibility for his actions but your probably right, it will work out but I probably need to just pick up some of his slack and when it's done I'll be well shot of friends like that.

It sucks that he is being so childish and stand offish but in the end this could work out for your benefit.

If he does not agree to talk or help reach a positive solution, tell him that its fine and you will find the new person and sort out the company and he does not have to do a thing(important do not argue on this).

Instead of doing so, just get a new flatmate on the sly and do not tell the letting company that the other one has moved (also keep what you are doing from the guy that is moving)

This will then allow you to reclaim your deposit and stopping your so called friend causing anymore trouble ( you could also use his half of the deposit to pay for a cover the rent while you find a new flat mate, or give it back to him, its your choice).

At the end of the day you should be trying to minimize the damage and try get your deposit back. Your current flat mate is being the height of unreasonable even slightly malicious, so I would not hesitate to cut him off from doing any potential or further damage.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Sorry to bump the thread but I didn't want to start a new one.

Maybe just wanting to get some of this off my chest.


The current situation is this. My housemate is still out with me. It was his birthday last week. I knew obvioulsy but wasnt asked out, lots of pics online from all our gang out with him, now he's mad I wasn't there or in contact. Can I really win? He hasnt been seen in the apartment in over a week and a half now.

I've tried making an effort with some of the others in our group but nobody replies.

To be honest now, I've been feeling very down about this. Logic says if 12 people have fallen out with 1 then it must be the one at fault but I really don't feel I have done anything wrong intentionally or otherwise. Its making me feel very low so many people (all the people I know here), don't want a thing to do with me. I'm feeling awefully homesick now.

Its taking its toll on my relationship with my GF now. It looks like we are breaking up. She's clearly not really happy with me being upset with the situation or feeling homesick and wants out. Its understandable really but also very sucky.

It got me thinking, what could I have done to avoid all of this. What I found over many years is that even though I'm a tall strong guy, I'm a little softly spoken and don't tend to pick fights. It seems to lead to people thinking I'm a walk over, which I actually just don't allow people do.

With my friend GF. I'm sure if I acted like a doormat, took all the problems and comments with a smile and kept them both happy they'd happily keep me around. But I just felt horribly disrespected in my own home and wouldnt accept my own GF being slagged off so Im just the sort of person to remove myself from that rather than start more drama or problems.

Same with my other friends. Basically, I dont think I ever did much to treat them in any way badly but when I hear they were talking behind my back I just removed myself from the situation. I just find they feed off drama, if its not me, its someone else, when you meet them, the only conversation is talking all about other people and what they did this weekend, or did you hear what such and such said....
I just hate all that drama so rather than feed it more, I just dont want to be around them.

If I just gave them what they wanted and fed into the drama they'd probably go along with it but I wouldnt consider them real friend then, only people who I'd allow slag me off just so I have someone to hang out with. In some ways I'm upset now I am fairly alone here and it might have been better to do that, on the other hand I just hate being a walkover and want to say F*** THAT, I'm not a pushover, real friends wouldnt do that.


Sorry, its more of a rant than a question I guess. Its just all getting me very low and now losing my GF makes living here not a lot of fun.

LegacyUser

It's understandable you're still very uspet by this.

I'm sorry to hear things are now going badly with your girlfriend. If the stuff going on with your mates is the reason you're going through a rough patch with her then I would advise trying your absolute best to put your best face forward to keep things on an even keel with her. It's great you've had her to lean on but if you're continually in foul form or even (unintentionally) taking it out on her then it would have a destructive effect on your relationship. For the sake of your relationship (if this is the only issue) I would suggest being careful to be positive and continue being a fun boyfriend to be with. Despite her best efforts to support, you the stress and strain might be taking it's toll - which isn't necessarily you're fault. Keeping this relationship on track will help you not feel like everything's spiralling out of control.

Keep focusing on the positive! Even if it's the little things that are good in your day.

So, you're housemate had the gall to take umbridge with you for not going to his birthday celebrations? Did he actually invite you? I take it you didn't feel comfortable going?

Either way, as you said you're damned if you do and damned if you don't...you're 100% correct in saying you can't win. Unfortunately these people are mindlessly following a group mentality and I think you were right in distancing yourself. In the long run you are better off away from them and their shallow narcissistic behaviour. Though it's very difficult thing to go through.

If you are decided that you'd rather not be party to them anymore then you may need to be satisfied with that decision and actively try to move on. Getting out more with new/different people, consider moving to a new houseshare yourself to remove yourself from the close proximity of your housemate? Cut your losses on the apartment?

Having been there myself it really made me doubt myself and made me question just what was wrong with me that so many people could turn against me...but similarly to your post these folks' conversations and social interactions turn on gossip and one-upmanship etc. whereas apparently you're quite a sensitive person and have more consideration than to want to engage in such behaviour....this may be part of why they've turned on you...you've got the courage of your convictions - soomething they clearly lack. I know I would hate to be part of such bulllying, hurtful behaviour. I don't think my conscience would let me rest easy if I was.

I'm not sure what advice to give you other than hang on in there, try to focus on the good and make the effort with the remaining good people in your life i.e. your girlfriend so you don't end up losing the chance you have to continue to have a good time while away because of this crowd....you've poured enough energy into it, they're sapping you enough by putting you through such an emotional grind. Try not to give them anymore.

Sometimes putting on the brave face and faking it a little (for a short time) can get you through and pay off. Try talk it through with some of your good friends or family at home when you're feeling down. And then suck in a big breath and determine to have the best time you can while you're away in spite of all this drama.
I really can empathise with your situation

LegacyUser

just saw he didn't specifically ask you to his birthday thing. you've got to get away from this guy....

LegacyUser

Hang on in there. Try sort thing sout with your girlfriend if you can. Even if it means putting on a brave face to be a positive fun guy to be around when you're with her.

contact a good friend or family member back home when you need to talk it out so you aren't always laying all the negative stuff on your girlfriend (if you are, you may not be of course) but this trauma is clearly (and understandably) affecting you and might be affecting your mood and the kind of company your are for your girlfriend.

Try not to let this define your time abroad - if you're confident you've done the right thing (and I would think you have) in distancing yourself from these people then be firm and content in your decision and try to move on from it. I appreciate this is much easier said than done, it can be a quite damaging thing to go through re. questioning yourself, self doubts, self confidence etc.

But keep focusing on the positive, keep as busy as possible and make a conscious and brave effort to make more connections and friendships and have new experiences to help block out all the horrible stuff.

And my last bit of advise is get away from this toxic housemate. Even if it means you biting the bullet and breaking the lease. It will remove you from that awful atmosphere etc. I really can empathise...! You're not the only one to go through this kind of thing and I for one I'm quite thankful I'm not one of those people with the sheep mentality, as I think you are glad not to be too. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

ok when i gave my advice i was thinking you were happy there, but your recent post says otherwise,

you are possibly losing your apartment, and possibly losing your girlfriend although i would question how good a girlfriend she is if she is willing to walk away as soon as the going gets tough in your life.

life is too short man, you need to do what makes you happy, it sounds like you are miserable where you are, can you go home? even if its for a short holiday/break, it sounds like it might help you out in this case.