is the honeymoon over?

LegacyUser

dont know where to start, i posted here previously last year on a relationship issue, and got great advice.

here goes
i met my boyfriend at christmas this year, (having left a long term relationship about 6months before hand). He is kind, chatty and nice looking and was geniune in his interest in me. to be honest the first 3months were easy,he text when he said he would, rang when he said he would and generally we had lots of fun.

its only in the last 4 wks that from my perspective, things have been changing. Me being a moody mandy, doing exams and tying to work full time at the same time, put it down to me and a stressful time. the exams are now over and my feeling towards this person are still changing for the worse.

I was trying to find a word to describe how i feel about him, inconsiderate and selfish spring to mind.

there are a couple of examples:
1. the weekend before my exams started, he had a football tournement, now having known i had to study, he said he would call in on the saturday evening to me, and that would be that, he could play football all weekend then. this is not how it turned out, he turned up at 11pm friday, ate a dinner that i had left over and told me he was going out tommorrow night, to give me time to study. this stressed me out no end and to be honest had been looking forward to the saturday night off as my break from studying.

2. I received a wedding invitation for this weekend a couple of weeks ago. It from a childhood friend. I dont really go to many weddings and generally not events i enjoy, but this one i didnt actually mind attending. anyho...long story short there is a particular festival/event on this weekend that he "always" attends and when the wedding was mentioned, and the first out of his mouth was thats the weekend of "X" I cannot go with you...... i left it there.

I dont like confrontation and on both examples above explained how i felt and he did back down and say he would attend wedding if i really wanted...... its like he makes me feel unreasonable. I wont drag a person to an event that doesnt want to be there.

so i would like to know what people think? Am i being unreasonable expecting him to attend events with me. please bear in mind this festival/event is on this weekend, I have no interest in attending but will go one night to see him at least.

squonk

He doesn't sound very considerate. Regarding the wedding, I'm all for going to gigs and things on my own if I need to. I'm not dragging my OH to gigs they really don't want to be at just so they can be there with me. Weddings I would consider differently. Alright you will probably have a load of school friends or whatever there that you can chat to but how do you think you'll feel saying 'Oh yeah, I'm going out with someone but he's at a gig this weekend'. I would go to support my OH on a day like that. If there was something on that I'd always gone to well then, so be it, I wouldn't go that time. We all have to grow up and make some choices based on our circumstances.

going out on the Saturday night after he promised you'd spend the evening together as well doesn't sound too good. He sounds like he's getting used to being with you and knowing what side his bread is buttered on and happy to suit himself when he wants.

I'd say tell him that it's just not acceptable and that if this is how he wants to act then he can find himself a new girlfriend.

IrishEyes19

To be honest you havent been with him that long that he should have to cancel everything for a wedding, I mean he probably sees it that he enjoys this concert with his friends, and that you are throwing a spanner in the works.

The saturday night thing doesnt sound too good, but you stress how forward you were looking to it, if you dont put your foot down sometimes be prepared that he might not see how important it is to you. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

thanks guys for the replies.

thing is i can see it from his side, this particular weekend is something he does with a group of friends every year, and its the only time he spends considerable amount of time with them.
regarding the wedding, I just wanted to go today to it and had suggested spending the saturday evening, sunday and sunday night at the festival, but tonight is the only night a particular band is playing..... the wedding was an hours drive from the festival location.

i had told him to go and enjoy his weekend with the friends, but he insisted on seeing me too.

anyho, wedding is over and i certaintly wont hold it against him, but i suppose really my problem is how to be more assertive and maybe make him realise what are the important things to me. i will end up resentful if i dont change this.

I hate this, as i do really like him, and he is a really nice sound person, but i cant help feel im doing all the conpromise so far.

MagicMarker

I really don't get this thing women (okay not all women obviously) have about weddings, this came up on here before not too long ago. Why should he drop his plans just so he can go with you to the wedding of someone he probably doesn't even know? It's not like he had nothing to do that day and just didn't fancy it, he did have plans with his friends to attend something which they attend every year!

Why was it so important that he go to the wedding with you? You said yourself that you don't like going to them!

MrMojoRising

MagicMarker wrote: »

I really don't get this thing women (okay not all women obviously) have about weddings, this came up on here before not too long ago. Why should he drop his plans just so he can go with you to the wedding of someone he probably doesn't even know? It's not like he had nothing to do that day and just didn't fancy it, he did have plans with his friends to attend something which they attend every year!

Why was it so important that he go to the wedding with you? You said yourself that you don't like going to them!

+1

If anything, you sound like the selfish one OP.
Have you ever considered that?

You're only going out a few months

Kimia

MrMojoRising wrote: »

+1

If anything, you sound like the selfish one OP.
Have you ever considered that?

You're only going out a few months

Have to agree with this OP, you sound a bit demanding tbh. I mean, he sounds totally normal - and I totally agree about the wedding thing.

It sounds like you are a bit confused and perhaps looking for problems where there are none? Maybe you're used to having bumps in the road and this is going too smoothly (remember Carrie & Aidan)?

I am a friend

If I received a wedding invite just 2 weeks before a wedding (on a bank holiday weekend) I would refuse on the basis of the extreme short notice...

Op you do sound a bit controlling and to have a standard of relationship protocol that your bf must meet. Is this maybe why he is pulling back a bit ?

qwerty13

You've said that you are a "moody mandy". I always get a bit wary when I hear things like that - there are some women who seem to write off bad behaviour as "oh I can be a bit moody:D", which I just don't think is acceptable.

Was the moodiness specifically in relation to exam stress, or is this in general? If it is the former, then you may need to consider apologising; but if it is the latter, then it may be your behaviour, rather than his, that you should be examining.

And why should he go to a wedding of someone that he probably doesn't know when he is in a short relationship, instead of a long standing arrangement with friends?? To flip that one around, maybe he assumed that you would go with him to this festival, and is fed up that you picked something else "over" him!

LegacyUser

Just wanted to come back and say thanks for all the replies. It had been useful to get an outside perspective.

I think I phrased things badly, really my issue was how to make him realise something is important to me, not neccessarily to force him to do everything my way.

anyho again thanks to all who took time to reply.

qwerty13

Hi OP, I get your point on stuff being important to you. But maybe he feels the same - that you are not recognising how important to him that a long standing arrangement with long term friends is?

I am a friend

confused-honey wrote: »

Me being a moody mandy

OP, a word to the wise, being a moody mandy is optional and is not acceptable on an ongoing basis in a relationship. I would tolerate it from my OH for exactly 5 minutes without good reason...

Maybe, just maybe, he is a bit peeved with your moods and is less likely to be accomodating to you if you have been chewing the head off him for no reason...

If something is important to you then tell him but choose your battles wisely.. Not every single event you want to go to can be 'important to you'...

good luck

John Mason

confused honey wrote: »

anyho, wedding is over and i certaintly wont hold it against him,

errrr...........whats that now - you didnt go to the wedding because he couldnt go with you

Seriously, girl, you need to get yourself some independance. you are only with this guy a wet weekend and you didnt go to a wedding that you wanted to go to because your bf had other plans.

i am with my bf, 3 or 4 years (not sure how long we are together) and i wouldnt think twice about heading to wedding, if he already had plans - in factual fact i have gone to weddings and christening in different countries without because he didnt want to go.

IpreDictDeatH

I think ya'll focusing on the little details too much. The OP said everything was fine in the first 3 months (he rang,text when he said he would) but recently she has noticed a change. That sounds to me like a gut feeling, and i strongly believe in gut feelings. Sometimes you can just tell when somebody is going cold on you. And the fact that the OP mentioned texting/ringing when he said he would makes it seem like he isnt doing that anymore. And thats a sign in itself.

Forget about the little details like should he or should he not have gone to that wedding. Do you notice him generally going a bit cold on you? It seems also that he has control in this relationship. The fact you didnt go to the wedding,and that you instantly blamed yourself (moany mandy) when you sussed things just werent right between you, suggests to me that you may need to stand up for yourself a bit more.

Then again i could be wrong. A bit more info is needed i think.

IpreDictDeatH

And anothir thing, i certainly dont think this person is controlling, or out of order. This is prob one of there first weddings together, which is a big enough deal. Now, im not saying he should or should not have went, but i know from experience that when you get with a new lady and you're both invited to a wedding its very exciting. Seeing her all dolled up, few drinks, dancing, and the hotel room after!!! So a little bit of perspective.

Its the same point with 'letting her study'. A saturday night in with a new girlfriend is waaay more appealing than a night out with the lads. Think of all the sex

I do thnk the OP has genuine issues, and it seems as though her bf as just gone a little cold on her. First sign something is up. I wouldnt be so quick to put it down to moany mandy anyway. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who loves to spend time with you!