Not sure how to classify myself

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a guy for the last few months and I came out to him recently that I'm bisexual. The problem is that 1) I'm not quite sure I should use this as a label and 2) he's very worried about it.

The reason I chose to give myself the bisexual label is because I used to watch lesbian porn from time to time and it really turned me on. Since meeting him I've had absolutely no desire to watch lesbian porn and am completely and utterly in love with him on all levels. We have a great sex life and he can make me orgasm.

I experimented with a girl before I met him and I felt absolutely nothing which further confuses me. I've never fancied a girl in real life and think that this thing is a purely sexual one. I'm 100% emotionally attracted to men, but only when I am emotionally satisfied (with men) does it turn into a sexual attraction for me. Whereas with women, emotionally they do absolutely nothing for me!

Prior to me telling him this it looked like we had the makings of a very serious relationship talked about the future, even children a bit. And I have had all sorts of fantasies about him proposing, having his children and getting old and grey together.

He thinks that at some point down the line I'm going to want to experiment with this and is afraid that I'm going to leave him for another woman. I've tried explaining that for me, when I'm in a monogamous relationship it is exactly that. I do not feel the need to be with someone else because I'm 100% committed to that person.

I also worry that if I sometimes don't want to have sex (which of course happens) that he will think that it's because I'm thinking of women or whatever...

I really don't know what to make of all of this, or myself. Any advice would be great. Thanks everyone

Chuchoter

I think there are a lot of issues and misunderstandings at play here. First of all I think your boyfriend is allowed to be a bit worried because its new and different to him, but s you say, its a monogamous relationship. Just because you might be bi doesn't change that. He needs to trust you. You are also allowed to not have sex and not be accused of thinking about other people, regardless of their gender.

Now in terms of your actual sexuality, I think the best way you can determine whether you are really bi is asking yourself 'Can I picture my life with a girl like I see my life with my boyfriend?'. Thats the question that really made me realize I was gay, I could see my whole life with a girl but when I tried to picture it with a man, I couldn't really do it.
Also, I think that just because you like lesbian porn doesn't necessarily make you bi. I think considering you need an emotional connection to feel sexually attracted to someone, you're never really going to like women considering you feel nothing for them emotionally.

foggy_lad

First thing, classify yourself as human,

Now as a human you will go through several phases and periods of experimentation and questioning usually for as long as you live. You enjoyed a bit of lesbian porn, so what! it does not make you anything except maybe a bit horny at the time. Every man whether they admit it or not will become in some way aroused or excited by watching gay porn but they are mostly straight!

You should try to explain to your boyfriend how watching the porn made you feel and how experimenting with a girl did nothing for you, his pride has probably been dented a bit and might need a bit of repair.

Who knows he might even like the idea of you watching porn with him?

Aishae

just a thought i think may help: im a lesbian and i occasionally enjoy regular straight porn, ive actually very little interest in porn as a whole and feck all interest in lesbian porn (mostly because a lot of it seems to have been dreamt up by someone who doesnt seem to know what lesbians actually want and of course taste will be diverse - its too much like straight porn, lots of strap ons and so forth!)
i dont think that makes me bi. its just a bit of visual stimulation.

if youve already experimented with a girl and felt nothing then you have a better idea of where you stand. did you tell your fella?

Asry

crayolastereo wrote: »

I think considering you need an emotional connection to feel sexually attracted to someone, you're never really going to like women considering you feel nothing for them emotionally.

Oh, no, I completely disagree. Sometimes sexual attraction has nothing to do with emotional responses. Sex is, as the phrase goes, just sex - sometimes.

Chuchoter

I'm just going on what the OP, that she's not really attracted to guys sexually unless she's attracted to them emotionally. She says she felt nothing for the girl she experimented with because she feels nothing for women emotionally. Hopefully I'm not misreading the OP, now.

Asry

I just don't really think you'd need to be emotionally attracted to women in order to call yourself 'bisexual', if indeed you even wanted to. I've heard this sort of thing from other partly gay people before, that they feel more emotionally comfortable with one sex, but have only strong feelings of sexual desire for the other and wouldn't be emotionally involved with them (for many differing factors, I suppose).

Or it could just be that the OP hasn't met the right girl yet!

LegacyUser

it's definitely not a case of not meeting the right girl yet, in real life women don't actually turn me on! which is a bit mad really.

And it's definitely not about not meeting the right woman to turn me on, women's personalities/emotionally do absolutely nothing for me and I've thought long and hard about that.

Also, even if I was bi (which I'm not 100% certain about), I'm completely committed to him and as with any relationship one could worry that the other person could leave you for someone else.

I dunno, I'm sick with worry about it at this stage, I really hope he can come to terms with it and not let it ruin our relationship which I think he's going to do...

Chuchoter

Asry wrote: »

I just don't really think you'd need to be emotionally attracted to women in order to call yourself 'bisexual', if indeed you even wanted to. I've heard this sort of thing from other partly gay people before, that they feel more emotionally comfortable with one sex, but have only strong feelings of sexual desire for the other and wouldn't be emotionally involved with them (for many differing factors, I suppose).

Or it could just be that the OP hasn't met the right girl yet!

This is probably the most likely situation really! I guess that must be the awkward part about being bi, eventually you kind of have to make a decision either way as to who you spend your life with.

Asry

crayolastereo wrote: »

This is probably the most likely situation really! I guess that must be the awkward part about being bi, eventually you kind of have to make a decision either way as to who you spend your life with.

It's not a decision though, as in deciding, OK I'm straight now because I've been with my lovely boy for 6 years. Even *he* calls me a raving homo. You know? Screw the boundaries! I mean, I don't stop being partly gay just because I'm not having gay sex or in a emotional situation with a woman. I've never changed, just my relationship status has.

Also I think that this webcomic here is relevant...

Chuchoter

Well obviously you're not straight but in the OPs situation, if she really loves her boyfriend and doesn't want to leave him she needs to effectively abandon that side of her life and not pursue it.

Asry

But my life is just like the OPs? You don't have to abandon it, just don't cheat on your boyfriend. I mean, that rule applies across the board.

But like that doesn't mean abandoning your gay life. As people here could tell you, I go out to gar bars, I hang out with LGBT people - I've made no changes to my life since I met my boyfriend apart from picking up girls sometimes, you know? You shouldn't have to pretend half your life doesn't exist just because you're with a man. If the OP had a girlfriend, would she have to shut down the hetero side of her life? Surely not.

Aishae

sure its no different than a bit of mild straight flirting (NOT over the top grinding against someone on the dancefloor style of thing - im talking about banter and so forth)
a straight person dabbling in a bit of porn viewing
going to straight bars just for a natter with people (any bar that isnt a gay bar is technically a straight bar. not everyone who goes to a gay bar does so to hook up! just as not everyone in a regular straight bar is on the pull)

like asry says you dont have to abandon or ignore the fact you do have an interest in things. think of it this way - there are straight people who look at porn, visit strip clubs etc. but they arent cheating just by doing those things. however i would advise a bit of honesty. dont go overboard and scare your fella but at the same timne you will need to be able to trust each other.
a major hurdle is this perception that a bisexual cant commit to one sex - one person. this is rubbish. this is what he needs to know more than anything else

LegacyUser

OP here. Firstly, thanks to everyone for their replies.

I definitely don't think it's a matter of not finding the right girl yet, I've had many friends down the years and the thought of having a sexual relationship with any of them does not work for me at all!

I know it's a lot for him to come to terms with and I know he's scared by it so please god he'll just see it for what I see it is - a bit of a sexual fetish of sorts that doesn't change how I feel about him at all. He knows I'm mad about him so whether he can get through this is another thing

I've actually been having the best sex I've ever had in my life with him, that's why I was quite open about it because I thought that he would be able to rationalise how great everything is between the two of us but this hasn't been the case. He's definitely still not ok about it...

Time will soon tell.

Mc Kenzie

OP im the same only i dont have the issue of a OH to worry about.

I think its just a physical/sexual desire when your aroused. I feel the same like I know for sure i could never have an emotional relationship with a girl. whereas i would a fella. Its a little confusing i know.

To be honest i just think of it as lust thing. It never bothers me day to day seeing women i wouldnt feel attracted to them.of course id think like any other girl and complement another girls figure looks ect, but not in any other way.Whereas i have a freind whos lesbian and shes forever stating how hot so an so is and i just cant do that.

To me its something that makes you a bit more interesting.

Some guys think its good but i can understand how your OH may feel unsure.
that is really his problem though, not yours. just try and reasure him.
dont feel bad about yourself.