Trying to escape controlling father

LegacyUser

This is both a financial and personal problem but I figured a lot of it has to do with my family relationships so I said I'd put it here. Basically, I'm going into my final year of college next September and am unable to get a job. Boohoo, right? I know everyone is finding it impossible right now. But let me explain.

I go to college in Cork but I've currently had to move back to my home county for the summer. That would be fine only for my relationship with my father at home. I know it seems like the stereotypical teenage thing to hate your father but perhaps it might be justified in my case. This man is controlling, egotistical and emotionally abusive. Most days I do something wrong (such as putting a fork in the wrong way in the dishwasher...seriously) and am raged at for being a 'stupid bitch'. He has not hit me in years but always threatens to when I argue back. I am nearly 21 and I still get sent to my room.

When I got my grant this year, I scrimped and saved so I could have some money for a house deposit when I'm moving back to Cork next September and also so I could occasionally get the bus down to Cork to get out of this hole. Today, my father demanded that I give him my bankcard and pin number so he can put all this money into his account because apparently I am not trustworthy with money despite there never being an incident that showed that. The problem is, I know he gambles a lot and I know that this money will just be spent on poker or at the bookies. I lived off of a tenner a week for months just so he could blow all my savings on this but I can't do anything because he is so controlling. I haven't got a cent to my name now so anytime I argue against him he claims he won't let me go back to Cork ever again.

The only reason I haven't taken out a loan and left this hellhole is that it would devastate my mother who has to put up with his crap every day and who I know won't and can't defend me because she'll just draw more of his anger onto herself. I don't want to estrange myself from my mother because then I'll be completely on my own. Also, I can't leave the house with him keeping tabs on me so I can't even get to the nearby town and try and get a loan. I'm stuck here for at least another 3 months if he decides to leave me go back to college. There have been no job offers so far and none on the horizon it seems. Does anyone have any idea as to what I can do, financially or personally?

username123

Get straight to the bank, close the account, withdraw the money you do have. Or phone the bank, report the card stolen and have it cancelled.

Seriously, if the situation is as bad as you say then you need to move out immediately. Go away for the summer, see about deferring college so you can work elsewhere for a year and save enough to take you through the last year without any help from your parents.

Daisy M

definitelynotdaddysgirl wrote: »

The only reason I haven't taken out a loan and left this hellhole is that it would devastate my mother who has to put up with his crap every day and who I know won't and can't defend me because she'll just draw more of his anger onto herself. I don't want to estrange myself from my mother because then I'll be completely on my own. QUOTE]


I sympathise with your mother but you should not continue on living with your parents just to keep her happy, tbh I think if you dont stand up for yourself now you never will. Contact the bank immediatly as was suggested, you do have the ability to get out of this situation but you need to be strong to do so, stop making excuses and find the strength to control your own life. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Get straight to the bank, close the account, withdraw the money you do have. Or phone the bank, report the card stolen and have it cancelled.

Seriously, if the situation is as bad as you say then you need to move out immediately. Go away for the summer, see about deferring college so you can work elsewhere for a year and save enough to take you through the last year without any help from your parents.

OP here. Thanks for taking the time to reply, username123 and is_mise_astra. Unfortunately it's too late to take that money back, he already went in this morning and took it out. I'm afraid to cancel it because there'd be war if I did. Things are bad now....if I took the money back when I'm stuck here with no way out they would get worse.

I have considered moving away many times but I now lack both the savings and a renewable source of income to do so. I have absolutely no money and no means of getting any. I have looked into the student assistance fund in UCC but my parents fall above the income threshold and I think the only way to discount their income is if I get a letter from social services stating exceptional circumstances. The problem is, he's not physically abusive and I don't know if the social services would consider emotional abuse serious enough. In addition, I live in a tiny village with no bus services and the nearest town is 20 minutes away by car. I cannot drive and know no one who can. To add to this, my father works in the local clinic where the social services also operate. If one of his co-workers saw me there and told him I would be in a lot of trouble

Emme

You're in a really tough situation. Close the bank account. Despite your loyalty to your mother, you must take care of yourself. I know it's harsh, but has your mother protected you from your father down the years? She has chosen to stay with him (ok, she might think she has no choices but there are ALWAYS choices) but you don't have to put up with the abuse for her sake. Repeat - you do not have to put up with your father's abuse for your mother's sake.

If you can, contact Womens Aid. They should be able to give you some advice. You need practical advice on how to move out of there as soon as possible. September is too late - you need to get out now. Tell them that your father is a gambler who has thieved your savings, abuses you emotionally and financially, threatens violence and keeps you prisoner in the family home. It may sound melodramatic but it is your reality - wake up and get help!

Good luck.

dimiec

You're in a really tough situation. Close the bank account. Despite your loyalty to your mother, you must take care of yourself. I know it's harsh, but has your mother protected you from your father down the years? She has chosen to stay with him (ok, she might think she has no choices but there are ALWAYS choices) but you don't have to put up with the abuse for her sake. Repeat - you do not have to put up with your father's abuse for your mother's sake.

Hi Op

+ 1

username123

definitelynotadaddysgirl wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for taking the time to reply, username123 and is_mise_astra. Unfortunately it's too late to take that money back, he already went in this morning and took it out. I'm afraid to cancel it because there'd be war if I did. Things are bad now....if I took the money back when I'm stuck here with no way out they would get worse.

I have considered moving away many times but I now lack both the savings and a renewable source of income to do so. I have absolutely no money and no means of getting any. I have looked into the student assistance fund in UCC but my parents fall above the income threshold and I think the only way to discount their income is if I get a letter from social services stating exceptional circumstances. The problem is, he's not physically abusive and I don't know if the social services would consider emotional abuse serious enough. In addition, I live in a tiny village with no bus services and the nearest town is 20 minutes away by car. I cannot drive and know no one who can. To add to this, my father works in the local clinic where the social services also operate. If one of his co-workers saw me there and told him I would be in a lot of trouble

Honestly, really really honestly - and this from me who had an alcoholic abusive bullying father who made everyones life hell so I am not just throwing out ideas here that are unworkable - go to the guards and report that he has stolen your money. You are an adult - you are past 18 years of age, that money was yours. Report it stolen and get ready for the fallout. If you stand up to him he may back down. A lot of bullies fold when someone stands up to them.

I really believe in this situation you need to consider deferring college and getting out of here altogether to somewhere where you can get a job and save some money.

Many +1s to the poster who said you need to consider yourself and not your mother. Your mother has allowed this situation to come to pass - she has not protected you and has allowed an environment to develop where her husband can mentally abuse his children and steal money from them and treat them like dirt. She has not looked after you in this regard. Im sorry if that sounds harsh - thats the truth. My own mother did the same. She has enabled this situation.

You can still report the bank card stolen btw - tell the bank the truth, your father took it from you under threat. The more you hide his behaviour the more he gets away with it you know.

I know its very very hard, but the only way out of this it to bite the bullet, stand up for yourself and take the consequences. It seems a lot harder than it actually is. Taking action will be a relief in itself. You will probably find your mother will side with yor father, and you dont have a relationship with either - but dont worry about that, bridges can be mended, relationships rebuilt in the future - for now you have to look after you.

You are an adult - take control of your life, use Womens Aid, relations, friends, anything - but get out of that toxic environment and start living away from fear.

Emme

definitelynotadaddysgirl wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for taking the time to reply, username123 and is_mise_astra. Unfortunately it's too late to take that money back, he already went in this morning and took it out. I'm afraid to cancel it because there'd be war if I did. Things are bad now....if I took the money back when I'm stuck here with no way out they would get worse.

I have considered moving away many times but I now lack both the savings and a renewable source of income to do so. I have absolutely no money and no means of getting any. I have looked into the student assistance fund in UCC but my parents fall above the income threshold and I think the only way to discount their income is if I get a letter from social services stating exceptional circumstances. The problem is, he's not physically abusive and I don't know if the social services would consider emotional abuse serious enough. In addition, I live in a tiny village with no bus services and the nearest town is 20 minutes away by car. I cannot drive and know no one who can. To add to this, my father works in the local clinic where the social services also operate. If one of his co-workers saw me there and told him I would be in a lot of trouble

When I replied to you first I was unaware that your father had already taken your money but it doesn't surprise me. Your father is a thief. He stole your money. Do you have any friends or relatives you could talk to who would believe you and help you? If not at least contact Womens Aid.

You could go to the gardai and report him (what would his colleagues in the clinic say then :rolleyes:) but this might be unwise given your situation. Anyway, he would probably argue that black is white and white is black - abusive men can be extremely persuasive and are often held in high esteem in their local community. You are in grave danger - you are heading for 21 now so therefore your father's control of you has escalated and he may well get violent with you in the future, particularly if you make any moves to get out. That is why you must contact Women's Aid asap.

Your father doesn't want you to have any freedom. That's why he stole the money you sacrificed so much to save. He knows that if you stayed in Cork instead of (I assume you commuted to college for the last few years) commuting to college that you would get a taste of independence and be outside his control forever.

It is likely that he will apologise to you later and try to persuade you not to return to college because there are no jobs and there's no point. Or something like that. He might be working on getting you a fulltime job locally so you don't have to return to college, complete your education and gain even more independence. Of course he will take your earnings on the premise that you are irresponsible with money! Then he'll spend it on gambling! :mad: This man will try to stop you completing your education and getting some freedom.

Your situation means that you probably don't know anyone in college well enough to ask them can you stay with them right now so that's why it's so important that you contact Women's Aid right away.

Fentdog84

What a rotten, horrible thing to do, to his own daughter. :mad:
Listen, I dont know about going to the guards etc what good that would do. Just go down to the bank, close down the account and get a new card and pin number. But DONT EVER give him your bank details again. just stand your ground firm if he hassles you for them. perhaps ask the bank to hold your bank statements and other corrospondance at the bank so you can collect them at the bank rather than posting them out for him to rummage through.

If he has gambling issues he needs to get help, but, you are 21, an adult and your own person and its not your problem. Look nothing is easy in the current climate but you should look to move on, as soon as you can. Its up to your mum to take control of her own situation. Its unreasonable of her if she expects you to hang around when you are being treated like this.

Permabear

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