Relationship with my boyfriend because I'm unemployed

LegacyUser

Does anyone else feel the recession is damaging their relationship?

I'm with my boyfriend about a year and a half, he has had a good job for about 6 months now and I'm unemployed for the last few months. Have a arts degree but have been doing like one shift a week waitressing work, still living at home because can't afford to move out, can't afford to socialise really because I ear max 60 euro a week. I'm so fed uo with my situation but my boyfriend is having a great time he got a new car and is moving into a new place.he's always complaining that I don't go out enough and that I can't go on holidays with hm.

I feel like he's moving on completely because he has a job and I'm just a burden, he has hinted as much before like he will never listen when I try to talk to him about feeling sad about being unemployed, he always says I am so much better off then other people because I have roof over my head, amnt sick etc. I just feel like this money thing has driven a wedge between us and we can't communicate properly anymore. He used to be unemployed when we first met so I thought he would know how horrible it feels trying to get work and all the bull**** and taking advantage that is going on out there

I feel so frustrated and have nearly broken up with him several times, about this issue, I still want to but keep hoping things will get better. Was just wondering does anyone else have this problem or have any advice for me,

Thanks

Babooshka

Xxxchocolate puppy wrote: »

Does anyone else feel the recession is damaging their relationship?

I'm with my boyfriend about a year and a half, he has had a good job for about 6 months now and I'm unemployed for the last few months. Have a arts degree but have been doing like one shift a week waitressing work, still living at home because can't afford to move out, can't afford to socialise really because I ear max 60 euro a week. I'm so fed uo with my situation but my boyfriend is having a great time he got a new car and is moving into a new place.he's always complaining that I don't go out enough and that I can't go on holidays with hm.

I feel like he's moving on completely because he has a job and I'm just a burden, he has hinted as much before like he will never listen when I try to talk to him about feeling sad about being unemployed, he always says I am so much better off then other people because I have roof over my head, amnt sick etc. I just feel like this money thing has driven a wedge between us and we can't communicate properly anymore. He used to be unemployed when we first met so I thought he would know how horrible it feels trying to get work and all the bull**** and taking advantage that is going on out there

I feel so frustrated and have nearly broken up with him several times, about this issue, I still want to but keep hoping things will get better. Was just wondering does anyone else have this problem or have any advice for me,

Thanks

Hi....yes, certainly know how you feel. I went out with someone for a long time and while going out with them was unemployed for a period. It does uneven the balance and you may feel like you're not on the same page as the partner with some dipensible cash.

I am sure it's very hard to keep positive for yourself in the current economy, especially when you can't even treat yourself. Does he treat you now and then? Not that I mean he should carry you every time he's out but does he ever offer to bring you out seeing as you say he's always moaning you don't go along? I would hope he wasn't completely insensitive to your feelings seeing as it's not really your fault he has more dispensible cash at the moment.

I've seen a lot of threads around these days that people are making decisions in, about financial situations, which is having huge effects on their relationships, and I think it's going to be a big issue in ireland for the next few years. A year and a half with someone is long enough, but not very long either, and I think for yourself that right now, it sounds like you need to focus on yourself and getting your self esteem back up, without needing cash to do it.

It's very hard though, I remember feeling very low when I had no money at all, it's crap. What you don't need is your partner reminding you all the time, that you're broke too, they are meant to be supportive...not financially, I mean emotionally. If he is being insensitive I'd remind him he was unemployed once too, and that you're feeling blue of late, and ask him maybe could you spend some time doing stuff that doesn't cost lots of money like going for a drive in his new car, and stopping for coffee somewhere.

The last thing you want when you feel vulnerable is to lose the one person you rely on for company and solid foundations but if he's not being all that supportive in the coming while, whilst you are trying to get through the hard times as best you can, you need to ask yourself is this the person you want to build a future with. Please try to be as positive as you can be and focus on your worth, as a good person, and not as a pay packet...you deserve to be happy regardless of what you earn and things will get better in Ireland in the future, so chin up missus.

Sorry for the long post but I feel for you.

Peanut2011

OP, if he has such a good job and is able to afford to go out all the time and buy the new car, why can't he afford to pay for your drinks out or pay for the holiday for the two of you???

I would say if I was in his place I would have no problem cutting back on my own spending in order to enjoy the time with my girlfriend. One thing is for sure I would never make the issue about her not having the money..

Reading your post it just seems he is very much material orientated and you come second. Sorry but if I was in your place I would be out of there.

fungun

Depends on your mentalities really. Also what age are you?

When I am in a serious reln, money earned is 'ours', not 'mine'. At a year and a half in, I might not be expecting that 100% but at least some inclination in that direction. But if you are early twenties and not thinking 'seriously' at all, then I can see why he might not feel that way.

MitchKoobski

Peanut2011 wrote: »

OP, if he has such a good job and is able to afford to go out all the time and buy the new car, why can't he afford to pay for your drinks out or pay for the holiday for the two of you???

I would say if I was in his place I would have no problem cutting back on my own spending in order to enjoy the time with my girlfriend. One thing is for sure I would never make the issue about her not having the money..

Because he's not there to pay her way. If I was the boyfriend, I wouldn't pay for an entire holiday for the two of us simply because I make more money.

OP he seems to be moving on without you at this point. He has more money for himself, a new car, and a new place. He doesn't seem to be considering you at all tbh.
He doesn't have any excuse for not cutting back to spent time with you. I honestly don't think he, or the situation, are worth holding on to.

Babooshka

MitchKoobski wrote: »

Because he's not there to pay her way. If I was the boyfriend, I wouldn't pay for an entire holiday for the two of us simply because I make more money.

OP he seems to be moving on without you at this point. He has more money for himself, a new car, and a new place. He doesn't seem to be considering you at all tbh.
He doesn't have any excuse for not cutting back to spent time with you. I honestly don't think he, or the situation, are worth holding on to.

I see what you're saying and I'd agree I wouldn't pay just because I make more money. But I would pay to take the person on a holiday because I cared about them, and because I could afford to, if I was into the whole relationship. But yes I agree with your second statement, if he's not supporting her emotionally about it, there 'ain't no point.

Taltos

OP - before I start going through your post can I say that back in the mid nineties I was in a similar position - got out of college and it took me 9 mts to get a job... My GF at the time was in the same position - and we both came close to breaking up more times than I can count - huge fights on both sides - really not a nice time. Anyway...

Xxxchocolate puppy wrote: »

Does anyone else feel the recession is damaging their relationship?

Have a quick look through this forum - unfortunately alot of people are making decisions due to how the recession is impacting them.

Xxxchocolate puppy wrote: »

I'm with my boyfriend about a year and a half, he has had a good job for about 6 months now and I'm unemployed for the last few months. Have a arts degree but have been doing like one shift a week waitressing work, still living at home because can't afford to move out, can't afford to socialise really because I ear max 60 euro a week.

So - at first glance all that has really changed in your relationship is that he now has money for a change. Any change impacting dynamics can bring problems.

Xxxchocolate puppy wrote: »

I'm so fed uo with my situation but my boyfriend is having a great time he got a new car and is moving into a new place.he's always complaining that I don't go out enough and that I can't go on holidays with hm.

Absolutely get that you are fed up with the situation. I used to get so down and angry I could not even properly understand myself let alone explain to my OH why I was acting like a prat.
In terms of his complaining though - there really is a simple solution - allow him to pay for you on these outings. Trust me - over a long term relationship anything he pays out now will be payed out by you later on - it is really all swings and round-abouts.
So - does he offer or just complain?
If he does not offer - then you need to talk to him - explain how you feel when he goes on like this and ask for him to consider it from your end - after all a few months ago he was where you are so he knows how it feels - or he should unless he really is a prat.

Xxxchocolate puppy wrote: »

I feel like he's moving on completely because he has a job and I'm just a burden, he has hinted as much before like he will never listen when I try to talk to him about feeling sad about being unemployed, he always says I am so much better off then other people because I have roof over my head, amnt sick etc.

OK - firstly accept that he has a point - in many ways you are better off - so start out saying that to him.
However - he needs to be able to be there for you - if he is NOT capable of listening and supporting you then you may need to move on. At the same time - if this is all you talk about - well that is definitely not good - you need to have some fun.
What did you both do when you were both unemployed? Can you not do the same again???

Xxxchocolate puppy wrote: »

I just feel like this money thing has driven a wedge between us and we can't communicate properly anymore. He used to be unemployed when we first met so I thought he would know how horrible it feels trying to get work and all the bull**** and taking advantage that is going on out there

To be blunt here - it is NOT the money that has come between you. It is an inability to open communicate. That is the issue here - you both need to be able to hear what the other person is saying.
> you might say - I would love to go on holiday with you but I can't afford it.
> he might hear - bla bla bla - oh poor me - bla bla bla
I know excessively trying to get your attention - but this openly talking is what eventually saved my relationship with only days left in it - I just couldn't put myself in my OHs position and could not see how I was hurting her. Maybe he just needs a wakeup call. However (there is always one) - if you are spending your time freaking out about not having a job/money - well you cannot be much fun either. So both of you need to work on it if you really want to save it.

If you are not sure how to broach this chat let us know - a few of us can suggest some ways to open the talk and hopefully see it through.

MagicMarker

You want to break up with him because he has a job? Am I reading that right?

OP, he's right, stop moping about feeling sorry for yourself. You live at home with your parents and have 60 quid a week in your pocket. There are plenty of people on the breadline who would love to be in your position.

FFS you have more money to spend on yourself than me and I work full time!!

Esoteric_

I have to be honest, I work full time and after paying rent to my mum (live at home but pay her a lot of rent/bill money), paying for my travel to and from work and stuff like that, I have a lot less than 60 euro per week. Honestly I'm lucky if I have 10 euro to get a pack of smokes when I've gotten paid. Sixty euro is more than enough for one night out per week if you wanted to go out.

That said, your boyfriend does sound a bit selfish. I was with a guy like that, and it was horrible. Does he ever offer to bring you out or pay for drinks for you on a night out? I don't expect my boyfriend to carry me in any sense, but he was unemployed when we first got together and I'd happily cover him a few drinks, a box of smokes here and there, a date here and there and now that I've had my hours cut and he has more money than me, he's happy to do the same for me. That's just kind of how relationships are supposed to work, especially after ye have been together fairly long!

On a purely financial level, have you thought about applying for job seeker's allowance? You can work up to 3 days per week and still claim that.

Otis Driftwood

MagicMarker wrote: »

You want to break up with him because he has a job? Am I reading that right?

No,you're not,read the OP again.

He is behaving like a dick ie complaining that she cant go out because she doesnt have enough money etc,this despite the fact that when they started seeing eachother HE was the one that was unemployed so imo he should have a bit more tact.

To be honest OP,he sounds pretty damn self centered.I dont mean for buying a car or whatever,he is well within his rights to spend his money as he see's fit however from your post his primary concern seems to be material things.From your description he reminds me of a number of people I knew a few years ago.Decent job,couple of holidays a year and a chip on the shoulder being celtic tiger bred snobs.Alot of them are on the bones of their arse's now and some have had to sell their cars or possessions to make ends meet.

Not a nice situation to find themselves in but it has resulted in most of them developing a sense of humility and consideration.

It could just be a passing phase with your boyfriend.He is still relatively new in the job so having alot of disposable income after being unemployed is a novelty for most.

Id say dont make any rash decisions however Id also say dont take guff from him either.

Herrick

he's always complaining that I don't go out enough and that I can't go on holidays with hm.

He does realize you don't have to actually spend huge amounts (if any) of money just to spend time together? I mean you could simply go for walks, picnics, random day trips, etc. There's countless things you could both do without having to worry about the pocket.

At least thats what I'd be thinking if I was in your situation, maybe give it a try?

You'd think he'd have a bit of cop on considering he was in your situation not too long ago.