My son's dad

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Regular poster here but logged on as a guest dont know why really I've nothing to be ashamed of.

I'll tell u the story from the beginning..... I got pregnant accidentally 2 years ago I was in an on-off relationship for 5 years not a very nice relationship it was violent he was a horrible person a liar and a thief and and always putting me down. Anyway I started a new job and got pally with this guy I worked with. He was in an on/off relationship too and was not too happy either. He broke up with his gf and I threw my bf out because he'd given me a punch too many. I began sleeping with the guy from work it was just a casual thing but I was happy with that. A few weeks later I discovered I was 3 months pregnant I just assumed it was my ex's as we did sleep together occasionally and my periods were irregular so I couldnt make out the exact date I concieved. I had my beautiful son a few months later and I noticed he didnt look like my ex so he did a dna test and it turns out the guy from work was his father (I had left the job months before but we were still in touch through facebook and texting and had met up a few times)

I told him the news and he didnt know what to say. I told myself I'd give him a few weeks to let it settle in. I told him I didnt expect him to play happy families or anything like that. That was over a year ago and he has since ignored most of my messages ,unfriended me from facebook and now blocked me. I had sent him a few messages telling him how I felt and I just wanted my son to know who is father is. I'm so upset for my son and I've realised I have feelings for him too. We were good friends at one stage and I just never thought he'd treat me like this He has 2 kids already with 2other women who he dotes on.
I'm sorry for the rambling post I'm not sure whether I just wanted to get it off my chest or get some advice. Everyone keeps telling me to move on but my heart is shattered I'm not sure who more for myself or my son.

ash23

Same thing happened to me OP, well, similar. I told the guy from work I was pregnant (he had since moved away) and gave him time to come to terms with it and get over the shock. When I tried to call a few months later I got "this number is no longer in service". No forwarding address, he'd left the new job too. Never heard from him or saw him again. That was about 9 years ago.

Anyway, if I were you I would accept that he may never want anything to do with the child. It's sad but it happen. He's had time to face up to it and he's not warming to the idea. If you have an address for him then you need to pursue maintenance. Even if it's a fiver a week this guy has to be financially responsible for his child. I was never able to pursue my childs father as I had no details so do it now, while you still know his location.
He may contest, I'm not sure what the procedures are so perhaps someone else can advise you on that.

He may come around, he may not. You need to be prepared to accept either eventuality.
From my own experience, honesty seems to be best. Don't lie about where his dad is or who his dad is. Be honest with your son when he asks questions, but be age appropriate with it. For eg if a two year old asks "where's my daddy" just say "his name is xxx and he lives in xxx" and wait and see what he asks then. He may be satisfied or he may ask can he go and see him. If he asks to see him just say "no, we can't". If he asks why say you don't know.

I've found that a little bit of the truth satisfies them for a good while and by the time they ask another question they're a bit older and can be told a bit more.

My daughter knows that her dad and I worked together and were at college together, he moved away and then I found out I was pregnant. He didn't want to have a baby so now we don't see him and I have no idea where he is.

It's hard because of course they feel the rejection. They see their friends doting daddies and don't understand why they don't have the same. It's heartbreaking at times and you end up having to reassure them a lot that it's not their fault.
You'll find your own way of handling it.

As for how you feel, well, I think you know yourself this man has no feelings for you. i'm sorry to be blunt. But also, how can you care for him when he is treating his own son so badly, while you know he is capable of benig a good father to his other kids? Seems like you don't think much of your own worth, first a guy who hits you and then pining for a guy who has rejected you and his son.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

My daughter knows that her dad and I worked together and were at college together, he moved away and then I found out I was pregnant. He didn't want to have a baby so now we don't see him and I have no idea where he is.

Would kids not see "he didn't want to have a baby" as "he doesn't want you"?

Sorry for your troubles OP. That guy really needs to use some contraception, what an ass. Your well rid of your ex too. Op instead of pining after this guy you need to get some self esteem and focus on you and your child. Of course pursue maintenance, but he may never step up to the mark. It's such a disgrace why is okay for fathers to cough up a few bob and that's fine. What would happen if a woman decided do you know what don't think i'll bother looking after my child. Best of luck OP x

metrovelvet

Your heart is shattered for both of you of course.

Believe me this guy has done you a favor. At the least he is not making a nuisance of himself.

You will get through this. You will also find a way for your child not to take this personally.

I wouldnt bank on him coming around. Treat this like a parent who has given up a child for adoption. Accept it and dont torment yourself with false hope.

ash23

Girlene wrote: »

Would kids not see "he didn't want to have a baby" as "he doesn't want you"?

No. It's my job to make sure she doesn't think that. She asked me of course. And I explained that how could he not want her when he doesn't even know her. He didn't want a baby because it's hard work, it means putting the baby first and some people just don't want that responsibility. But most do because they know that that child will be worth it and they will love it so so much. But that it's easy for people to walk away when the baby isn't even born because they aren't thinking about the baby as a real person, just as something thats going to make their life a bit harder.

Of course I couldn't tell her all that when she was young but as the years pass the questions get more complex and so do the answers. That was the way I explained it summed up but that summary is based on about 3 years worth of different conversations.

MagicMarker

2 kids with 2 other women? Well isn't he delightful.

OP, not a lot you can do here. All I'll say is he has a financial responsibility to his child and you should pursue that, other than that, forget about him.

LegacyUser

Hi guys its the OP here

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom everyone I think I just needed to hear from other people what I knew myself in my heart that he really isnt going to come round. I've been fooling myself and think I need to face facts. And Ash you are dead right my self esteem is in tatters the past few years. I think another thing that hurt is this guy kept telling me to get away from my ex and now he turns out to be an even bigger sh1t than him!

I have decided I will definitely persue maintenence. I wont get much if any money from him but its the principle of it. I was considering contacting his sisters on Facebook they dont know me but they dont even know my son exists do you think it would be a good idea to let them know? Also my son has got 2 half sisters who he'll never know either which makes me sad.

Anyway I've to stop feeling sorry for myself and start moving on with my life.

lille

Girlene wrote: »

Would kids not see "he didn't want to have a baby" as "he doesn't want you"?

I found saying "he wasn't ready to be a Daddy" got me out,
hope this helps

metrovelvet

I havent gotten the WHY's yet, but the who and the wheres and is he a farmer. The only answer I have is his name. Funnily enough we were out today and he asked some random man if he was his dad.

I'm not going to do the 'ready to be a dad.' You are openning yourself up to the 'is he ready yet?' question, and the potential for waiting, like you are waiting for a cake to be ready out of the oven. I'm not going to do the 'didnt want the responsibility' either when he knows kids whose dads show up for a few hours on a Saturday or every other weekend. That answer doesnt add up either. I dont really know what I will say when the WHYs come up, except something along the lines of, sometimes people do things we dont understand, and we just have to accept what they are doing. The most important thing is that the child knows for 100% that its not their fault. They blame themselves very early on, and sometimes its hard to guess what is going on in their heads.

Permabear

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metrovelvet

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I would think long and hard about this OP.

On the face of it, on principal alone, it makes sense.

But up the road, if he did know the siblings it would compound the rejection. It would amplify the WHY ME and NOT THEM questions.

I do agree that they should know that there is a new sibling and a new member of the family, however developing a relationship with them, in the absence of the parent who connects the child to them, can be a perilous and bring on more hurt than is necessary. It will come up at things like birthday parties or weddings and funerals when everyone but your child is invited because his father will be there.

LegacyUser

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I might contact the sisters and let them know they have a nephew and his mother and father obviously have a right to know they have a grandson. One of the other mothers is actually friends with a girl I know so might suss out what she's like etc before I consider making contact. I take what the other poster said about it making my son feel more rejected too. I'd have to think long and hard about this.

I find it really odd too that he looks after his daughters he sees them regularly pays maintenance etc. I mean he is a real blokes bloke who is into fast cars and football you would think he would like a son who would be into these things? I dunno it could be me who he has the problem with, but I have done nothing for him to hate me. I have to say my son has 3 uncles and a grandad who are besotted with him so at least he will have some positive male role models in his life

I am a friend

I dont think for the OP it matters (immediately) how many kids he has with other mothers but the issue for her is that it appears he doenst want any more, including the OP's kid (time for the snip I think).

Many people in a second relationship can have 2 kids with 2 different mothers, the issue here is that this guy has produced a 3rd 'family' and is now running for the hills. He is spineless and selfish and he should be followed for maintenance of course. Likewise, his family should know that they have a grandchild, nephew etc.

Be warned though OP, they may not want to know.... He may have told them you are making it up etc etc so they may not be open to knowing you or the kid....

Its very messy....

metrovelvet

I am a friend wrote: »

I dont think for the OP it matters (immediately) how many kids he has with other mothers but the issue for her is that it appears he doenst want any more, including the OP's kid (time for the snip I think).

Many people in a second relationship can have 2 kids with 2 different mothers, the issue here is that this guy has produced a 3rd 'family' and is now running for the hills. He is spineless and selfish and he should be followed for maintenance of course. Likewise, his family should know that they have a grandchild, nephew etc.

Be warned though OP, they may not want to know.... He may have told them you are making it up etc etc so they may not be open to knowing you or the kid....

Its very messy....

Oh yeah.... it will be counter met with the...'i dont know if its mine...' 'she's crazy....' 'she's just looking for money...' The usual cliched tripe.

Silverfish

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ash23

AS with the father, I would say to bear in mind with the family, it may go either way. First off I would follow him for maintenance. I wouldn't pursue him and contact his family at the same time as it may lead him to react negatively.

I would imagine that ultimately you would want him to be part of your sons life. So I would show him that this isn't going to go away if he ignores it. Get in touch re: maintenance and show him you are serious. He may be trying to kid himself that the child isn't really his. This will make him face up to the reality.
Once that has been dealt with and a legal order put in place, I would leave the dust to settle for a bit and see if he is coming around.
If he is showing no signs of warming to the child or wanting the child, I'd then consider contacting the family.

I'm not sure why but it just seems like you may get a more negative reaction if you land it all on him at once. He would have his family questioning him, legal proceedings for maintenance against him, his exs asking him about your child....one step at a time would be my advice.

spinandscribble

ash23 wrote: »

AS with the father, I would say to bear in mind with the family, it may go either way. First off I would follow him for maintenance. I wouldn't pursue him and contact his family at the same time as it may lead him to react negatively.

I would imagine that ultimately you would want him to be part of your sons life. So I would show him that this isn't going to go away if he ignores it. Get in touch re: maintenance and show him you are serious. He may be trying to kid himself that the child isn't really his. This will make him face up to the reality.
Once that has been dealt with and a legal order put in place, I would leave the dust to settle for a bit and see if he is coming around.
If he is showing no signs of warming to the child or wanting the child, I'd then consider contacting the family.

I'm not sure why but it just seems like you may get a more negative reaction if you land it all on him at once. He would have his family questioning him, legal proceedings for maintenance against him, his exs asking him about your child....one step at a time would be my advice.

can't agree with this more, please follow this advice.

LegacyUser

Hi guys its the OP again

Thanks again for all your comments I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days.
So basically I know I have to move on and accept that he doesn't want anything to do with me or my son. I definitely want to pursue maintenance , but does that mean I'll have to face him in court? I also dont have his home address. My brother works in the same place as him and could be able to get it but its not for definite. Could anybody point me in the right direction as to where to start. Thanks

ash23

so sad wrote: »

Hi guys its the OP again

Thanks again for all your comments I've been thinking about it a lot over the past few days.
So basically I know I have to move on and accept that he doesn't want anything to do with me or my son. I definitely want to pursue maintenance , but does that mean I'll have to face him in court? I also dont have his home address. My brother works in the same place as him and could be able to get it but its not for definite. Could anybody point me in the right direction as to where to start. Thanks

Hi Op, glad to hear you're going to pursue maintenance.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/maintenance_orders_and_agreements.html

Hope someone can advise you furthur.

LegacyUser

Hi guys its the op here
Just a quick update I've applied for maintenance from him he's not a happy bunny I can tell you! It also turns out he has 5 kids with 5 different women! He only sees 2 of them though. I've finally realised I dont need or want him in my life he is a horrible selfish person and would not be a good influence on my son. Also his family only see the eldest daughter. They know about the other 4 and don't want anything to do with them either, so there's no way I would like my son to be involved with this family they sound like ass-holes!

Anyway cheers for all the advice...I wish I could name and shame him on here just to let women know not to go near him!

Overheal

Glad to see you pursued maintenance on the mormon he might not be happy about it but clearly he has no concept of consequence!