I Am A Horrible Disgusting Person

LegacyUser

I apologise in advance for how long and self-indulgent this is going to be. And thank anyone who actually bothers reading the whole thing. I just want to know what people's opinions are on my situation.

Some mornings I wake up and am almost suffocated by how much I hate myself and my life. I'm a 28 year old woman and I most days I fall asleep wishing that I won't wake up in the mornings. I am horrible person and a complete drain on everyone around me. I have never had a job, i have no qualifications and no friends. I'm overweight and ugly. I'm not smart or fun to be around. I don't get on with my parents anymore and the only people I ever really talk to are my 17 year old sister and my boyfriend of 7 years.

I have previously struggled and still do with depression, panic attacks and agoraphobia. Having endured a plenthora of different treatments and medications and none of them have ever seemed to work long term, from CBT and councelling to antidepressants to dietry and lifestyle changes. They work for a while but I always end up back at the start. I am seeing a coucillor at the moment and and frequently check back in with my GP about my depression. The treatments never work.

I was bullied throughout my entire time at schools and all in all went to about 7 different primary and secondary school. The bullying took many different forms but mostly verbal, occaisionally it escalated and became physical or as in the case of the last school I was in just being completely blank by every other student else in school (literally everyone from first years up to sixth years). I didn't do the leaving cert because I ended up leaving school half way through sixth year when I just couldn't take it anymore. I have no friends from school, in fact have no friends at all, i have less than 10 friends on facebook and I'm pretty much a complete loner.

I don't understand why my boyfriend wants to be with me. I'm not looker in fact, I have gotten quite fat over last 2 years and if said I was plain I would be giving myself too much credit. And I don't really have much of a good personality. I am a complete drain on him in almost every way a person can be. Financially, emotionally and I seem to take up all his time, he hardly ever even sees his friends or family anymore. It must be so embaressing for him when someone asks him what his girlfriend does for a living. How can he say "she on disability for depression and just sits on her a**e and does nothing all day"?

I let him down at every turn, I miscarried our twins at four and half months almost four years ago. I blamed myself whilst it tore me up inside, my boyfriend was my tower of strength during this time even though it was killing him too. He, the doctors, my sister and even my parents told me it wasn't my fault and that sometimes these things just happen. And I started to believe it after a while. But recently I was diagnosed with a condition that causes miscarriages and makes getting pregnant difficult. It just keeps hitting me that it WAS my fault. And I don't know if I will ever be able to give my boyfriend the family he aches for since I lost our twins. He's younger than me, better looking and a much better person than I am and I keep thinking maybe I should let him find someone who can him a family. But I love him too much, and I'm just too selfish let him go. He's the only good thing in my life.

I am so consumed with envy and self-hate when I find someone close to me or someone i know is expecting. I dread the day my sister tells me she's pregnant because I know I'll hate myself even more for how jealous I know I'll be.

I am very introverted and over-sensitive. I have problems interacting with people have regular panic attacks and often get stressed out about things like choosing a checkout in the supermarket or having to talk to the bus driver when buying a ticket. I have had panic attacks in the middle of talking to people and just last week cried in public, like a stupid child, when a group of lads in the street were making fun of my weight and laughing at my hair. I tried looking for a job straight out of school but I would often get scared in the interviews and end up crying or having a panic attack or being tongue-tied. My parents got sick of supporting me after a year and made me sign on the dole, I then switched to disability because of my depression a while ago. I'm I'm one of those "never worked a day in your life scumbags." And it sickens me because thats what I am. A scumbag.

I've tried three different times to go back to do my leaving cert with adult education places or started numerous fás courses but started having panic attacks and moodswings and I was too weak willed to forced myself to go. I don't even leave the house much anymore and I've gained so much weight in the last two years that I wouldn't blame my boyfriend if dumped me right now. I still apply for jobs and courses but I don't really get any replies at all these days.

I don't know what to do with my life. I dread to think that I will only ever be a burden on the people I know and the taxpayer. I have always known that I'm horrible, but its really hit me hard over the last couple of months how much of a complete failure i am at everything.

mikemac

Just reading through it and what struck me is you've had the same boyfriend for seven years

There are marriages that don't last half that time! And there are no shortage of lonely people who have severe difficulties even geting into a relationship or people your age who have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend

So that's quite an achievement you have

Come join us in the athletics forum for the weight loss challenge
There is a new one starting in a week or two.

LilMissCiara

Why not start giving yourself reason to live?

You say you have never worked so I assume you have a lot of free time? What not take up a night course or get in contact with FÁS. Start walking and getting some exercise to help you lose weight and as a way of destressing.

I would suggest, if you haven't already done so, going to your GP about the panic attacks etc.

gangie

I am a long time lurker. I rarely ever reply to threads, but yours has really made me think. You need to listen to all replies here, you are NOT a bad person. You ARE NOT responsible for the loss of your twins, even if your body was. You are a GOOD PERSON. You would not have a boyfriend of 7 years if u were'nt. You seem to hold him in very high regard... Do you think he is stupid? Why would he love you and stick by you for 7 years if you didnt have at least one redeeming quality? He loves you because you are LOVEABLE.

I know you think you have tried everything, from therapy to diet and lifestyle, but please go back to your GP, ask for some help, you need to get to the bottom of this. You can feel better than you do now. Life can get better.

i dont want you to think im being harsh here, im really not, but are you sure you dont secretly like being miserable on some level?
im not being mean but maybe you find being miserable easy?

its the way you have been for years, by your own admission, to change your way of thinking would be scary, right?
if you're miserable always no one can make you more upset. you dont set yourself up for disappointment and you know how to deal with sadness and depression.
maybe you just dont know how to deal with happy??

you say no treatment has worked. really? can you say honestly that you have given every treatment 100%? from start to finish?
or would you start each treatment thinking ' this isnt going to work, whats the point of trying 100%'

it really is about changing your mindset, you decide if you want to be happy, you decide to change you attitude.

your not working at the moment, go for a walk everyday, weather is lovely now. fresh air is great for clearing the head, would also help you with the weight you have put on.

i hope you dont think im harsh, its really up to you how your life goes!!

also you have a supportive boyfriend for 7 years!!
i would love that!

dont become a self-fulfilling prophecy. he clearly loves you. do not push him away.
be grateful for him, instead of thinking your not good enough, why not think 'im so lucky to have him'
do nice things to show him your love and appreciation. it is very fulfilling to make others happy.

dont want for your relationship to break down just so you can think 'i was right, i wasnt good enough etc'

Kadongy

You didn't do anything wrong. You are on disability for depression because you are clearly depressed. You're not a scumbag.

Feeling envy is natural. Thoughts dont make you a bad person. Actions do. You seem like a decent person. You should quit being so hard on yourself.

dominiquecruz

OP, every part of your original post tries to say that you're not good enough for anything. You're boring. You're overweight. People make fun of you. The common design is that you're waiting for other people to make up their mind about you. Don't want to sound harsh, but maybe its time you made up your mind about yourself. Life is short, and you might as well be p*ssing into the wind trying to win people in your favour. I can absolutely guarantee that lots of people will hate you, as lots of people hate me, but who cares. You just live your life, and the people that are worth knowing will be there. Make a tit of yourself, big deal. You have your own strengths and thoughts, and you dont need anyone elses validation. I know its easier to say than to put into practice, but just be you. Thats all you know. Be happy in yourself, and I can almost guarantee that you won't be bothered by the rest of the ever-turning world

LegacyUser

OP, can I ask what you do all day? You said you mostly stay at home, but you must be doing something! Do you read? Cook? Watch TV? I mean, there must be something you enjoy!

Also from your post there seem to be a few incongruities: you have tried a healthier diet or exercise to lose weight but it didn't work? This just sounds like you expect it to work in a week! You have to stick with it, and don't expect too much too soon, or you'll be disappointed and give up. Make a deal with yourself to not give up a diet/exercise plan for six months. Take it one day at a time.

Same with therapy. How long were you in treatment for? I'm sure that if your therapist wasn't able to help you, there must be others.

Don't look at it from the point of view of "my boyfriend is great and I'm horrible, he deserves better", think instead that he is wonderful, and loves YOU, and deserves you to not give up on yourself like that.

lil-ms-vodka

I agree 100% with Bubbly Pop, also the fact you are posting all this shows you realise you need to change, it won't happen over night, take it a day at a time. You have a wonderful man in your life let him support you with all the changes.
Get yourself on a course and see it through.... your life has to start here

Good luck

Kalimah

I don't think you are awful at all. I think you're marvellous to get up EVERY morning and struggle as much as you do. And God it must be a struggle. You have a boyfriend and you say he has been so supportive of you which is fantastic. I think in the first instance you should go to your doctor to try do something about the panic attacks. Once you can manage them you'll find you can think much more clearly and life will become much easier. I know . I had bad depression about 15 years ago and got medication for 3 months and counselling. I have NEVER looked back since. If you are consumed with panic or depression you can't think straight at all. No wonder you couldn't do a Leaving Cert or study.
Now is the time to take all your courage in your hands and go for it. Life is not a dress rehearsal. We only get one go! All my very best wishes to you.. You sound like a lovely person.

greengiant09

BBBBBIIIINNNNGGGOOO!!!!

ok, interesting post....hhhmm....well, you're suffering from depression so that probably explains all your negativity...perfectly reasonable from what i've heard.

you've actually done pretty darn good, all things considered....there's plenty of people who committed suicide from bullying but you kept on going.....and there's plenty of people who never sought treatment for their problems so there's definitely a bit of a fighter in you.

as ****ty as you feel your life is....there's definitely people out there with a lot worse. i think you could really benefit in doing something that could help others. something were your actions will help someone out. you could do some volunteer work for amnesty international....they need letter writers to help people in need. you could do it from home....you could actually help save a life....think about it.....that would be something to be proud of.

only other advice i can give you is just because past treatments have failed doesn't mean you give up. i mean thomas edison had around 10,000 failed attempts before he finally got his light bulb experiment working....and i;ve met people with similar problems who eventually overcame theirs....the secret was to keep on working on it.

Miss Fluff

Your post does indeed make for very sad reading. Especially from someone so eloquent in their prose and obviously so self aware. You are bang on the money too when you warned that it is self-indulgent. It absolutely is. Totally.

I think it is self-indulgent because every single issue you highlight (bar the mental health ones which I shall come to momentarily) are all within your capacity to change. Your anxiety I would assume is only exascerbated by everything else. As such I'd recommend baby steps because everything else if entirely within your power to change. Looking at all your problems at once must be overhwhelming and seemingly insurmountable. As such, tackle your weight by getting involved in a fitness programme and everthing else will follow.

If you are not confident enough/have sufficient funds to go to a gym then I recommend you get a good fitness DVD and start doing it at home. You mention your weight a lot in your post and if you start taking control of that it will empower you to start making other changes in your life.

I do feel sorry for you. I do think you have been having a **** time. I also think there is an element of "poor me" to your post and if you really want to, you can actually start to turn things around for yourself.

amdublin

You are NOT a horrible person.
Losing your twins was NOT your fault. Please don't punish yourself anymore for that.

The second post (mikemac?) has great advice! Join in with the group on the athletics forum and support yourself and others together.

Good look! Is feidir leat!

hi op, i hope you are reading all that has been written to you.

its hard i know, but you have got great responses here.

i too have suffered from depression and i know its not gone away, it can come back and im ready when it does!

just wanted you to know that i didnt say all that to you without understanding, cos i really really do.

i wish you all the best, you deserve to be happy, we all do x

Esoteric_

Hi OP, I really feel for you. I have depression and get anxiety and panic attacks, so I know how much they can feck up your life.

The thing is, there is so much you can change to make your life better, but you HAVE to step up and do it, no matter how awful you're feeling and no matter how many panic attacks you're having. I know that sounds cruel, but it is the ONLY way to get yourself better, it's the only thing that worked for me.

If you can't get a job, gain some experience by working voluntarily a few hours a week. I don't know where you live but almost all the charity shops in Dublin are looking for people to do a few hours per week. It would look great on a CV and would also boost your confidence. The routine of doing some work would also get you out of the house, take your mind off your problems and help you to lose weight as you'd be on your feet.

The weight - I really struggle with mine. I'm almost at a healthy weight now, but it took SO much hard work. It really is worth it, though. I think you should definitely get a fitness DVD. Not only will the exercise help you to lose weight, it also releases endorphins (happy hormones) so you will feel better after a good work out.

Your boyfriend is obviously with you for a reason. You've been together 7 years so I doubt you're as ugly and horrible a person as you seem to think you are.

It took a good 6 years for my depression to be stabilized, and more than 10 medications and a few different types of therapy, so keep going back to your doctor and tell him/her that you don't feel any better. There are so many other things that they can try!

Ultimately, you will get better in time, but you really have to put in more effort to get better. Medication and counselling will get you about 30% of the way, you have to do the rest of the hard work yourself. If I could do it, so can you. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad now, because I know just how it feels, I've been there and so have many other people but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

pajodublin

OP. You are not the bad person you think you are.

If i could give one piece of advice it would be this.
Take one step at a time.
Don't try to fix everything at once.

If it were me i would start with getting a qualification no matter how small.
It's an achievement you need to feel some self worth.

You say that you have panic attacks and getting worried going to classes.
i would recommned distance learning. Study at home to gain a qualification

There are a few through FAS. Just go in (i know) or go online and look for some that the fees will be covered by the government.
Keep it in your head that your working to make a better life for you and your boyfriend.
Distance learning works. Study at home. Submit assignments by post or online and get a qualification. It's a start and i have met a few friends from doing distance learning however strange that may sound

Give it a go. you've nothing to lose.
Keep us informed on how your getting on...

Capt'n Midnight

what an idiot wrote: »

I don't understand why my boyfriend wants to be with me. I'm not looker in fact, I have gotten quite fat over last years

Some men like curves

How can he say "she on disability for depression and just sits on her a**e and does nothing all day"?

Do you clean the house, cook for him ? In previous generations women were housewives not wage slaves.

I let him down at every turn, I miscarried our twins at four and half months almost four years ago

medical, not your fault, don't be hard on yourself over that. At least you are trying. And when you have kids they'll be loved

But I love him too much, and I'm just too selfish let him go. He's the only good thing in my life.

Have you told him that he's the only good thing ? have you told him how much he means ? (that's easy) Have you shown him how much he means (not as easy).

Surprise him sometime, ask him is there is anything he'd really like (you may have to ask a few times to get a real answer) don't worry there is always a weekend if he wants a raincheck.

After 7 years you probably don't need to change a winning formula



As for the education look at online courses.
What are your interests ?
what would you like to learn ?


Go for a walk in the morning , half an hour or so , just to get out of the house, it will make you feel better too. Try shops or library just to get use to people, you can leave anytime you like.


Main thing is to talk to him but not one of those "we need to talk" things

KiLLeR CoUCh

OP first of all I am terribly sorry for everything you're going though. You're extremely strong for fighting through it and be aware that every day is a fight when you suffer from depression.

Your miscarriage was not your fault in any way shape or form. Yes you may have a condition which makes it difficult to conceive and that is hard for any woman to come to terms with, but it does not make the miscarriage your fault. By your logic you can blame the side effects of anybodies condition on themselves. My father has Parkinsons disease and needs extra time to walk places. Is it his fault if we're late because of him? No, not in the slightest. Do you see where I'm going with this? I gave a very small example compared to what you've gone through but I'm trying to hammer home the point that your miscarriage is not your fault.

I'm going to second the poster who questions whether you've followed any treatment plan 100%. The changes in your life come from you and you alone. You have support. You have, by the sounds of it a wonderful boyfriend. Just look at the people here who've taken time to respond to you and want to help. That support is available any time of the day. There's not only the people here, there's your GP, there are counsellors. Have you found a counsellor you really click with?

Praise yourself for the small things OP. Who cares if you didn't sit your LC or can't find work. Compare yourself to nobody but yourself. Try to have a good day, little things that make you feel better. Set yourself small goals day by day, aim to get out for a short walk, even if it's only up and down the street. Praise yourself for that once your done, just a pat on the back and think "yes, that was great". Ask yourself do you feel better today than yesterday. If you do then wonderful, that's progress. If you don't then never mind, we all have bad days.

Best of luck OP, I hope you come back and let us know how you're getting on.

sambuka41

Just to say to all the people suggesting going to a gym, or going for a walk, volunteering ect thats no going to work. The OP said she is suffering from Agoraphobia, she cannot leave the house without feeling this way.

OP I would say that social phobia is one of the most crippling of all diagnosis. But you can overcome it. You are at an age where this is going to be coming to front more, agoraphobia usually has a late onset. So this could account for why your feeling so low now. But I would encourage you to go back to your GP and try a different type of therapy. You say your seeing a counsellor at the moment, do you mind me asking what type of therapy is it?

It would be a good thing to start taking an interest in yourself again, or even your home. Having a job outside the house is not necessarily more rewarding than be productive inside the house. If you have identified that your weight is something that you are unhappy with then as others have said,maybe try a fitness dvd?

Or maybe distance learning, a short course that you do online could help to build up your confidence?

There are so many types of therapy out there and different ones suit different people, it can take a while to get the right mix. I would advise that you look into this again, maybe make some small changes within the home like study or weight loss and you will see an improvement.

Good luck:)

Eve_Dublin

OP seconding all the advice you've been given here and just to tell you, I was reading your post and I thought to myself, "this person sounds lovely". I think if I met you I'd like you. You have self-awareness and for me that's a sign of a good person. It's a great trait in a person and I'm instantly attracted to people who are. They can admit mistakes, learn from them, make changes and move on (which are the next few steps you need to take). Bad people are people who don't realise or care what they've done wrong (sociopaths or extreme narcissists, for example). I know some bad people...they're truly bad people and from all you've said above, you're not a bad person. Nothing about your post suggests that at all. You have to keep reminding yourself that you're one of the good ones and you're worth improving on. Believing your a terrible person is pointless and totally untrue. Open the papers and read about what the REALLY bad people do who have no conscience about it. That's NOT you.

You need to start talking baby steps. One step at a time but you have to believe life is worth living. You have to see the bigger picture and not get bogged down thinking about where it's all gone wrong. You have total control over the reigns of your life. Life can be wonderful but you have to start from the start and believe you're worth it first and foremost. You have to believe you're worth the effort and you absolutely are.


You have someone who thinks you're worth sticking with through thick and thin. You found a man who wanted to have kids with you and start a life with you. It'll happen but you have to believe he loves you for a reason. The reason being is that you're loveable. You're one of the good ones. Keep telling yourself that because it's true.

Good luck OP

Fea.

OP? I would be very interested to hear what makes you smile, or better yet, what makes you literally laugh out loud?

Find out what it is, and keep looking for more things to make you smile hun, as someone else said, baby steps and you'll get there
xxx

Bottle_of_Smoke

I was bullied throughout my entire time at schools and all in all went to about 7 different primary and secondary school. The bullying took many different forms but mostly verbal, occaisionally it escalated and became physical or as in the case of the last school I was in just being completely blank by every other student else in school (literally everyone from first years up to sixth years).

Right I'm no psychologist but I can't help think there may be a kind of stockholme syndrome dynamic here.

Your bullies picked on you and treated you badly, though you probably still wanted them to like you because humans like to be liked.

So you've gotten into a mindset that to have something in common with them and others you have convinced yourself they were right.

You've had a tough experience, I think you need and deserve professional help.

Benny_Cake

You've really had a rough time of it OP. First off, you need to give yourself a break. You are not a scumbag, you are a person who has been through a lot of pain and hasn't dealt with it, so many people just like you have been there and its a miserable place to be. One thing struck me, you say that you don't understand why your boyfriend wants to be with you and that you feel you should let him go. Given you've been together for 7 years, it sounds as if he just loves you and has no intention of going anywhere. Please try and find a councillor that works for you - you should be doing this anyway after the miscarriage. And don't be afraid to talk to someone, even people here. Given all that you've been through, the fact that you are still here is a sign that you have some strength in you, so you deserve a lot of credit!

CuriousGina

I’ve suffered with depression since I was a young teenager; I’m 36 now. At one point in my life, I would have written about myself much as you did. I hated myself so badly, felt so ugly that I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, and thought that I was a burden on everyone. Reading your post made me so sad, because, as so many other posters have noted, you sound like such an intelligent, self-aware individual. You are not a scumbag, love. You’ve just had a hard time.

We make our own fortune, and, difficult as it might seem, you can feel better, and feeling better, after all you’ve been through, will feel so glorious that it will be worth the hard work it will take to get there. I’ve stumbled through depression, to social phobia, to eating disorders. I’ve seen six different counsellors, and left every single one of them. As previous posters noted, getting better is scary, feeling depressed is so familiar to you now that it almost feels safe. You feel horrible, but it is predictable and familiar. You might not believe you can ever feel better. But you can, you really can.

My life is not perfect now, in fact I’ve had a very difficult year just gone, but I can look at myself in the mirror now and think, you know? I’m not so bad. I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities because of my mental health issues, but, you know, all I’ve been through has made me stronger, and so appreciative of what I do have. I suffered a miscarriage too, last August, and it is heartbreaking to lose a baby. I thought that I might not survive it, but I did, and you did too. You have to try and give yourself some credit; you are clearly a very strong person. So treatments have not worked for you; that means you haven’t found the right one yet, at the right time. Getting better is hard, and you need to give it your all. But it comes from inside you. Stop telling yourself how awful you are, because you’re not. Truly, it doesn’t really matter what others think, it matters what you do; but if you can’t feel good enough about yourself to take the first few steps, then listen to others. When people told me I was okay, I used to think they were just being nice, or didn’t see the real me. But we all here, and your boyfriend, aren’t all that stupid  We see good in you, so cling to that until you can feel good about yourself.

My recovery began the day my doctor told me that I was on course for a heart attack due to my eating disorder. No matter how badly I felt, or how often I’d considered suicide, I didn’t really want to die. And so I very slowly started to get better. I don’t know that I would ever consider myself cured or whatnot, but now I have reasons to live. I have a husband, a home, a beautiful son (who I had to use fertility treatments to conceive... hopefully that would be an option for you too) and one on the way. I find happiness in little things; watching TV, reading, a nice glass of wine. Nothing is perfect; I just do my job for the money, my husband and I separated briefly last year, I still think I would be happier if I were stick thin. But I am well enough to put those things to one side, or work through them. You can reach this point too, I know you can. As other posters said, baby steps, one thing at a time. But you deserve better for yourself than where you are now. You can be happier. And scary as it is, I promise it will be worth it in the end.

Darthhoob

OP i just wanted you to know you are not alone, you sound very much like me...we've had very similar experiences and suffer from similar conditions. i'm 29, overweight,have a BF of 7 years, bullied all through life from what i can remember, dont know why my Bf is with me, blame myself for everything and draging people down, never really worked (i've had part time jobs in the past but not for a while). i've not miscarried but i've lost loved ones, i have 3 kids...one with special needs...who all depend on me so much and take so much, i wish i could give them more.....like you i do hate myself quite alot...
i've always had social anxiety and depression...and in recent months it's got alot worse from the death of my brother and i started smoking again and the diet i was on and doing well in went tits up....but i'm just starting to try and sort life out a little. i HAVE to do it in small steps. i've started with the weight loss...as tbh not only will my health be better i'd have more energy and maybe feel a bit more confident. the smoking is going to be next. you cannot take on too much at once, you will avalanche yourself and if you fail at one thing...which the strongest of us can do if try to alter everything at once...it will set you back all over again. as someone else said...babysteps are needed. i use my Wii Fit and Zumba game to work out with atm and lost 7lbs in 2 weeks so far...which makes me feel a little better already...just another 8stone to lose LOL

as for the boyfriend, he wouldn;t have been with you for this long, supporting you for this long if he didn;t want to. i tell myself this all the time, and my BF tells me too. i KNOW my bf loves me but i do find it hard to understand..but that is MY self loathing doing that. we are always our own worst enemy. i am sure there is plenty of good points about you but you concentrate on the bad. maybe a good thing to do is sit with your BF and write a list of your good points? and everyday write down good things that have happened, you have done. IGNORE the bad...learn to concentrate on some good in your life cos i am sure there is plenty there you just cannot see it x

if you ever want to PM me fell free x

thefeatheredcat

There are some really beautiful replies here OP!

Firstly, you're still here on this earth. You have struggled and struggled and struggled, and you're still here. To me, that equates a strong person with a will to overcome the obstacles no matter what who wants to survive and outlive the situation you face.

I hear frustration coming through in your post in the efforts that you have made that haven't worked. You've come this far, you've tried different things, but that doesn't mean you should give up looking for what works for you to help you overcome your obstacles. Keep looking for a solution that works, and you will find one. It may be something that you haven't tried before, or that was tried but that didn't produce the results at the time for any combination of factors.

You are too harsh on yourself and self-critical, but that sounds more like the depression and negativity that holds a grip on you than how you really view yourself and how you come across to others. Yes, I know what it's like to hate myself and wish to not want to wake up in the morning. The opposite of that, to actually love yourself and want to wake up in the morning because of all the beautiful things in life, even just the little things, well, it's amazing and something I would encourage you to pursue; that in itself is a challenge. You should love yourself and there's lots of reasons why.

You're 28, so you're young so you still have your whole life ahead of you. You can be honest with yourself and your situation; that takes courage to acknowledge that rather than just continue on in denial. You are a survivor by circumstance and have a lot to offer in your experiences and overcoming things in your life than most people would ever face in their lifetime. You will realise that fact for yourself in the future when you meet other people and see how others are able to cope with certain situations, or rather, not cope at all. But you might have that answer, that way of showing them how to cope and what you need to do.

Ok, so you don't have qualifications, and haven't worked. So what? The worst thing you can torture yourself with is comparing yourself to other people. Some people may look down on you for it, but not everyone will because people come from different perspectives and understandings in life at different stages of enlightenment.

You have a boyfriend of 7 years who has stood by you through all this. That is really amazing and shows how much he really does love you. Not everyone sticks around when someone is faced with life difficulties. So you have the Ace card in that, it's proof in itself he's there for you, out of choice because of what he feels for you, that indeed must be love.

The miscarriage was not your fault. You must reinforce that in your mind, because you cannot blame yourself for something that you had zero control over. And do not guilt trip yourself with regards to your boyfriend and not providing a family.... there are more options to having a child today than ever before so all hope is not lost.

I wouldn't think you a scumbag at all... actually, I have more respect for you because of what you have been through and you are surviving, somehow. That's something inspiring in itself, because it is something to for people to aspire to, that yes you have been dealt with an incredibly difficult hand in life, but you're still here, still trying.... and I think you will have a very, very happy outcome to it all.

So don't give up. keep looking for those solutions that will get you past all these obstacles, and I believe you will find a way... you have the courage to come on here and be upfront and honest which means you have far more courage than you give yourself credit for. That courage is a strength, and the frustrations that hold you back from being happy, from having a happy and fulfilling rewarding life, will force you to challenge yourself and seek whatever it is that will help you change your life. I believe you can change your life, turn all this around, if you want it enough. And I think by your post, it is clear that you do.

So go out there and start changing your life. Take baby steps. Look at what you want to change first, something small, take on that challenge and enjoy the reward you feel inside. If you don't stick with it, then don't be hard on yourself, and don't be deterred either, the point is that you try and have the will and determination to keep trying. I believe you can and you will. And then, you can keep challenging yourself with the view and vision of what you want from life and who you see yourself to be and what you want to be and the who you want to be. And you will.

theg81der

Get the idea that losing your babies was your fault out of you head this minute, you wanted those babies and I`m sure had there been anything you could have done to keep them you would have done it so just stop that now!

Bullying can be hard to make sense of but they say more about the other people and nothing about you. Their motives were probably very similar to the ones you feel now- low self worth, feeling bad about themselves so they have to exert power over someone, maybe there was abuse physical or emotional at home and this is how they learned to behave. Understand that this was nothing to do with you.

I offen thought about suicide and felt very upset whenever I heard about someone killing themselves particularly in relation to bullying (this is the elephant in the room we may aswell address it). I decided one day that that me had died and let myself be upset and morne that part of myself that they took away and I was free to move on from there, free to write the next chapter because that me was dead I didn`t carry that anymore, sounds simple but this genuinely changed my life, thinking it doesn`t matter what I do from here I could be dead there are no mistakes I can`t do anything "wrong". I don`t think therapy is everyones answer, how can looking backwards help you move forwards?!

Focus on something positive - weight loss for you would be the best thing to focus on because exercise and healthy eating will improve your mood and your health so you have a better chance of getting pregnant and carrying a pregnancy to term. Force yourself - don`t even think about it - just every night, say 8 o`clock, you will stick your runners on and go for a brisk walk for an hour.

What about something like fostering, its a job, will give you something to do that you can feel proud of and may make you see life differently?

COME ON YOU CAN DO IT I PROMISE!! get excited about your life!