friends or what does he want?

LegacyUser

hey all,

I have a bit of an issue or however to call it with a male friend (I'm female). I like him, but don't really fancy him, he's funny and in a way entertaining and makes me laugh.

but he's as well kind of selfish, self centered and annoyingly whiny about his life (as it is not him who is making the decisions, no, all circumstances are always against him..)which is getting more and more on my nerves. it's not a real dialogue to talk to him, I have the strong feeling he just needs me for his attention issues.

we're not living in the same country at the moment so we (or better:he) communicates via e-mail, skype. he's writing me every second day or so and when I'm on skype, he's immediately contacting me. I haven't really replied anymore as I'm sick of giving him this attention.
the thing is, I don't really want to loose him as a friend but I don't want to be used either as a substitute mummy or whatever he sees in me.

so I'm thinking of telling him this, and to ask what he really wants from me or sees in me but then on the other hand I don't really want to loose him as a friend
anybody any ideas on this?

squonk

Hi OP. He sure sounds like work. The best thing you can do I think is to increase the distance between you two. Don't block him off skype but next time he starts chatting, ignore him or even after five minutes say goodbye and say you've got somewhere else to be.

Look at your routines also. Do you use skype to chat to others? If you don't, just disable it from auto starting when you log onto your PC.

He may be into you but as you're not feeling anything I don't think it's worth bringing it up as an issue. Emphasise that you've your own life to lead and that, while he's a part of it, he's not important enough to take up large chunks of it. Just my 2c.

LegacyUser

hey sqonk, thanks for reply, that's what I'm thinking and actually tried to 'tell' him: that I'm not his 'listening tool' in not replying anymore, but he's not getting it, or, more likely, he doesn't want to get it.
he writes me very detailed mails about what he was doing the day or weekend and even me not answering he keeps on writing. he also sent me via post a magazine ( I never asked for it) and now asked me to come over and visit me.

I probably should tell him to f... o...but for some reason I can't really. Normally I'm a very direct and honest person and had never problems to tell people what I think or 'say goodbye' if necessary but for whatever reason it's kind of tough at the moment, I have the feeling I'm just loosing people/friends all the time and there'll be nobody left anytime soon...not a nice feeling...

squonk

Hi OP. Have you moved country and are you in a new environment?

Based on your latest post the relationship doesn't sound at all healthy. To be honest if he's writing details mails about his life all the time and sending you unsolicited stuff then I can see where you're coming from wondering does he want more etc. He might do and maybe he feels he can talk to you and open up but it's only a worthwhile thing if you're both being treated with respect and so, by using you to vent his issues, he's not really doing that.

Try cutting the contact but in a month's time if things haven't changed it may be time to start considering either cutting off contact completely or cutting off for an extended period.

I say this because, firstly, he needs to get a bit of a shock to start him to reappraise his life and relationships. If he's the one who's moved and has few friends in his new country it might force him to look around and put more effort into meeting new people. For yourself also, his behaviour is obviously annoying you and dragging you down a bit. Once you've a breather from it you're more likely to get out, be more like your true self and meet new people easily.

Negativity is a black hole you can get sucked into so, while you're listening to this guy whine, it's also robbing you of some of your own positivity. He's probably lost friends before because of this. If he hasn't woken up and seen the pattern (and I'm sure you've had times when you've said things like, Oh don't be so negative, why don't you just do x') then he's never really going to. You're just his latest listening post as you say yourself.

Negative people are never a good thing. I'd say that even if you try to distance yourself he won't get the message and it won't work. My vote would be for kicking him to the curb. I know that'd be hard but you've a bit of get up and go about you. You've logged on here to get some advice which is both a thoughtful thing to do and a decisive move also. I know you might feel like you're losing friends and don't want to lose more but look at it this way, you're getting stuck in a rut listening to this guy and his whining is making you angry and he's sapping your energy. Cut that off and you'll have a tough time initially but you'll readjust your perspective, think more positively, get out and about more and when you do people will see you for who you are and be delighted to have you as a friend.

Try and get out of that rut. Don't be his doormat. He'll find somebody else to make miserable that's for sure but at least you know it won't be you.

All the best with it.

LegacyUser

I wouldnt tell him to feck off, he sounds like someone with problems (asides from not knowing when hes a nuisance). If it makes him feel better to write emails that he doesnt expect a responce to whats the harm?

Your right though you dont have to be his personal sounding board, so dont. Just dont be so eager to respond to him, he'll get the message eventually. If hes suggesting visits, just say something like a holiday might do him good but your not available to spend all that time with him. Wish him luck but make it clear you have your own life and cant be available to listen to him whenever he wants it.

squonk

I agree that he needs help. It occured to me earlier but I neglected to say it. Some counselling might benefit him as it sounds like he's using the OP as a substitute counsellor.

OP don't invite him over on holidays. You might decide to let him do his own thing but after a day or two he'll either have sucked himself into your interests or make you feel sorry for him as he'll no doubt whine about not finding his way around, rude people or some other such excuse. Frankly, just don't do it. Arms length, that's the way to do it.

LegacyUser

you guys are brilliant, you hit the nail on the head in analysing him although you just read the few lines I wrote.:)

yes, he definetaly has problems, and he already went to a councellor after his mum! and me!... confirmed him to do it. (but now he stopped and for sure is whining that it didn't work and he spent his money ...aaargh..)

so anyway, it's the only way to go to ignore him, just maybe the occasional chat but not reacting on his issues. that's what I do already.
I think I did consider him a bit at some stage as a bf, but it will always be about him, it wouldn't work.
it's as you said squonk, he's sucking energy and there's no pleasure to be with those people in the long run..

LegacyUser

just wanted to add, the magazine was just a gossipy one, I'm not in Ireland at the moment and he wanted me to give the article about the queens visit...so no undecent magazine, he's not that shallow or strange..:) but then I think it's just a tactic to keep me in the game, that I react to him....

I am a friend

OP all you need to do is screen his contact - reply as, when and how you want to... You are under no obligation to listen to him drone on and on... Suit yourself.