Friend Problem

Fonze07

Hello all,

I met this girl in work 4 years ago and we became really good friends, best friends, did everything together, became really really close. Didn't have any feeling for her at first but then my feelings began to grow and grow and i fell in love with her.

She also met somebody else there, a guy who started a few months after us. They got together and they ended up getting married last year. She gradually began to know of my feelings for her. They only had a small wedding, she invited me obviously as we were very close but i didn't go and she understood why.

She left the job and got a new job and we still chatted everyday but over the past 6-7 months it has changed a lot. I still work with her husband. We hardly ever meet up, have met up only a couple of times in the last 6-7 months although we have tried to many times but our schedules didn't suit. Anyway, little things just seem to get to me about it. I would send her a text asking her if she wanted to meet up when i knew she was off. She wouldn't reply for days. I send her emails and i don't hear back for about a week or so. The last email i sent to her was 9 days ago and she hasn't replied.

Now i know i have to move on and get over her but thats easier said than done. I can't get her out of my mind and because i care so much about her, little things she does gets to me and gets me mad and when i tell her, she makes out as if its my fault. I don't think its too much to ask, for example, for her to simply reply to a text when i ask her does she want to meet instead of not bothering to reply at all.

I can't get over this at all. I just don't know what to do. It's actually killing me inside

Flojo

You're just going to have to be strong and try hun, she is married now. It's going to be really difficult to be friends with your feelings and I think she realises this so maybe she's taking her time replying etc because she doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. I know how hard it is to try and forget someone. I'm still in that process a year later after breaking up with a major love.
Try immerse yourself in new hobbies, focus more on you! Make a list of all the things you ever wanted to do in life and start working towards crossing them off and getting her out of your mind.
Maybe confide in a close friend so they're on hand to help your through this.
You never know you could meet a future love at that gardening exhibition/gaming expo you decided to go to!

Kevin Duffy

What can you not get over? You may have developed feelings for her, but you did nothing about it in time and nothing beyond a friendship came of it.

If she knows you had feelings for her and she is now married to somone else, she's quite right not to be keeping in close contact with you - if your wife was heading out to meet a fella who is or was in love with her, would you be impressed? Why would she risk tension in her marriage and why would you risk it in your workplace, with her husband? Why would she answer your messages when you don't seem to be getting the message and you carry on expecting something from her?

You seem to be hanging around regretting something you didn't do and blaming her for not being more communicative - you can't change what happened and she doesn't owe you any contact. The key to letting go here is not some magic trick, it's simply realising you are in a position that isn't a mystery and getting on with making a life of your own. You may be able to be friends with her and her husband someday, it seems very unlikey mind you, but not at the moment anyway.

tinkerbell

She's married, leave her alone and move on with your life.

Chinafoot

Fonze07, correct me if I'm wrong but haven't you started multiple threads on this issue in PI? Each time you are told exactly the same thing...the girl is with someone else. You need let go and move on. Dwelling on this for as long as you have been is seriously unhealthy. I would suggest that you seek professional help on the matter to help you move forward in your life.

irishdude11

Stop STALKING her.

karaokeman

Seems like quite a dilemma man.

I know lots of guys get caught up when the girl they like ends up going out with someone else. Its happened to me before and I've had difficulties moving on. If your feelings for her have really grown strong I can only imagine what it must feel like knowing she's married.

But when you go out into the world you will see there are plenty more fish in the sea. Maybe you never will end up with this girl, but who's to say you will never meet one who means just as much to you or even more?

You won't know unless you try, so I suggest taking up an activity that interests you. Join a sports club, a walking club, do things you like.

Or one that hasn't been mentioned yet you could go back to college as a mature student. Some places have "mature student societies", which will be people like you returning to education for better qualifications and for a better social life. I know NUI Maynooth has one but there's probably many more.

In college you could meet lots of people with similar interests to you. It will take your mind off your woman whose married and you could even end up meeting someone else.

If that doesn't work out I say give the girl some space. She was a friend and liked you for who you are so I'd say she may one day want to contact you again.

It could be a few years or so down the line but what girls appreciate more is when guys give them space. Tell her husband thats what you want to do and she will probably understand. Let her contact you again when the time is right, but for now try and move on and think about yourself for once and do things that entertain you.

I promise you this will be over if you just leave it for a while, so relax and enjoy life while you can. You don't want to be 60 and remain this way so take care of yourself for now;)

Kevin Duffy

karaokeman wrote: »

Tell her husband thats what you want to do and she will probably understand.

Eh, no, just no. You don't address this through her husband, your colleague. Leave the two of them alone, get on with your own life.

karaokeman

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Eh, no, just no. You don't address this through her husband, your colleague. Leave the two of them alone, get on with your own life.

Just in case he asks why the OP keeps texting and emailing his wife. At least if they know he's ready to give them space it will help the OP to let go.

squonk

OP you should have gotten the message the day they got married. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She doesn't and met someone else and got married and is still married to the same man. How long is long enough before you get the message? 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years...? She has moved on with her life. She's hoping you'll do the same so why don't you?

Chinafoot

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055841751

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055876639

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055916272

Fonze07, there are 3 of your previous threads. Re-read them and you'll see the same advice in every single one. You really, really, really need to move on.

Fonze07

This is not about being with her anymore. Why can't people understand, it is not about being with her anymore. I have fully accepted she is married and too good for me. We were best friends and really close and it just feels like she doesn't care anymore after all i have done for her. For example, is it too much to ask for her to reply to a text asking her if she wanted to meet up. All she had to say was yes or no instead of ignoring it altogether.

And Chinafoot, you have said what you wanted to say. I am just looking for some replies from people and it's not on the same matter. I have come to terms with not being with her, it's other stuff relating to it. So basically, if you have nothing to say, then just don't bother reading it. Whats the problem with that instead of telling me the same thing.

LegacyUser

if she's not responding to your messages maybe there is a reason for that.

stop sending them. back off. leave her alone. maybe she'll get in touch with you, maybe not. but let her make that choice and leave her be.

if you have been telling her that you're upset by her not answering your messages i'd say there's a good chance you might be waiting a long while. pressuring people into being responsive to you isn't usually the best way to go about things.

Chinafoot

Fonze07 wrote: »

This is not about being with her anymore. Why can't people understand, it is not about being with her anymore. I have fully accepted she is married and too good for me. We were best friends and really close and it just feels like she doesn't care anymore after all i have done for her. For example, is it too much to ask for her to reply to a text asking her if she wanted to meet up. All she had to say was yes or no instead of ignoring it altogether.

And Chinafoot, you have said what you wanted to say. I am just looking for some replies from people and it's not on the same matter. I have come to terms with not being with her, it's other stuff relating to it. So basically, if you have nothing to say, then just don't bother reading it. Whats the problem with that instead of telling me the same thing.

Well actually Fonze07, the second link I posted there is about your friend not replying to your emails, which you posted about last year. You were given plenty of advice on how to handle it.

Yet again, nobody can answer these questions for you. If you are pissed off at her not replying to you then tell her. Alternatively you could just accept that this is not a fulfilling friendship and you should consider cutting all contact, as you had planned to do before, and move on with your life without her. Your obsession with her is extremely unhealthy.

iguana

Fonze07 wrote: »

This is not about being with her anymore. Why can't people understand, it is not about being with her anymore. I have fully accepted she is married and too good for me. We were best friends and really close and it just feels like she doesn't care anymore after all i have done for her.

You don't sound any different than you did in your other threads and the advice in each one is the same. At least for the time being, your friendship is over, it's not even remotely helpful for you. Your other friends all realise this, everyone who has replied to any of your threads realise this and quite obviously she realises this. She isn't responding to you because she, like everyone else, knows that this friendship is the worst possible thing for you as it's stopping you from moving on. And tbqh, it's possibly hurting her marriage too, as at the very least it's spoiling her enjoyment of her early days of being married.

You need to move on, properly this time. The friendship has to be suspended. If it isn't you have no ability to get over her and find someone else, someone who returns your feelings. And you also run the risk, if you continue as you are, of having this girl resent the hell out of you.

And lastly, you need to get over the idea that this girl is too good for you. She isn't too good for you, she just happens to love someone else. This doesn't make you a lesser person. Stop torturing yourself.

Morag

If she is ignoring your texts then she does not want you in her life as a friend, it's that simple, accept it with good grace and leave her alone.

I am a friend

Fonze07 wrote: »

All she had to say was yes or no instead of ignoring it altogether.

So can you say, hand on heart, that its not your way to get into a text conversation with her?

Jane Eyre

I think you've probably scared the crap out of her. She waits 9 days to reply (or not) because she doesn't want to hurt you, but hopes that you'll get the message to leave her alone. You say you've accepted there will never be a relationship between you, but the fact that she knows you wanted one will make her uncomfortable. She's too polite for her own good. Sorry. I don't mean to be cruel, but for your own sake, let it go.

Misa-san

You're waiting for someone to give you an answer you want to hear, but it's not going to happen. Until then you're still in denial and trying to justify it.

The unfortunate truth is you're going to have to let her go. If you care about her you have to respect that she wants to move on and live her life and allowing her to do this without trying to inject yourself into it and disrupt things (which it will, even if you don't directly intend to) is the best thing you can do for her if you are really a good friend to her.

Fonze07

Misa-san wrote: »

You're waiting for someone to give you an answer you want to hear, but it's not going to happen. Until then you're still in denial and trying to justify it.

The unfortunate truth is you're going to have to let her go. If you care about her you have to respect that she wants to move on and live her life and allowing her to do this without trying to inject yourself into it and disrupt things (which it will, even if you don't directly intend to) is the best thing you can do for her if you are really a good friend to her.

I know you are right and that is what i am going to do. I will let her get on with her life, she obviously doesn't want me as a part of it anymore so have to accept it as best i can and see if i can overcome it. Not looking good for me.

Fonze07

Ps thanks everyone for your advice. Just want to tell you it means a lot that you took the time to reply to my post.

tinkerbell

Look, I'm not surprised she's ignoring you. It's probably quite obvious to her that you are into her and it probably makes her very uncomfortable and as a result, she doesn't think it is appropriate to be friends with you anymore.

She's married now, she doesn't feel comfortable being friends with someone who has another agenda, so leave her alone. If she wants to be friends, she'll come to you but until then, I would advise that you steer clear of her and sort your own head out. Good luck.

I am a friend

I really dOnt believe you are listening to the responses you are getting on the varies threads you have started.

I may be watching too much csi but if she were my friend / sister I would worry for her. You seem totally obsessed and will not act in a way that respects and acknowledges her life choices. The first couple of years can be hard enough without having the added strain of fending off unwanted advances from a 'friend'...

She made her choice. You are hassling her and you need to leave get alone. Have you had counselling? If not, I respectfully suggest you start as this obsession appears to be taking on a life if it's own

Neyite

OP,

From your post its clear that you still have romatic feelings for her. You are fooling no one when you say its just friendship that you are after. You are after contact of any form from a woman that you have feelings for.

She knows it,
The husband knows it,
You know it.

It suggests that they are kind people if they have not told you to F**k off and leave her alone by now, but if you keep trying to contact her, that is what will happen, and that will hurt you when it does. Delete her number, email, etc and cut her out of your life. She has not reciprocated your friendship in a long long time. You are not her best friend - her husband is.

I am a friend

I agree, you have been posting the same threads about your problem for over a year and a half.... Seriously it's time to give her some peace.

karaokeman

tinkerbell wrote: »

She's married now, she doesn't feel comfortable being friends with someone who has another agenda, so leave her alone

Ok I don't think we should be so hard on the OP. He acknowledged he wasn't making any progress posting multiple topics on this situation and in his last post he did accept he knew what was right for her. I say that if he can achieve that, all we should do is congratulate him for having the guts to make that decision, as it was never an easy one.

tinkerbell wrote: »

If she wants to be friends, she'll come to you but until then

Exactly what I was saying. Hey, she invited you to her wedding so thats something. If she made an effort to be your friend in the past there's no reason why she won't come back.
I'd say now she just needs to enjoy her early years of being married and when she feels the time is right to contact you again she will. But just as a friend.

tinkerbell wrote: »

steer clear of her and sort your own head out

Find an activity that entertains you. Join a sports club, do a course or something. You will meet lots of people who like the same things as you. Once you have that keeping you occupied, it will relieve the stress you've felt worried about this woman and it will help you stop thinking about her.

Hope we've helped, just be yourself and you'll be fine:)

Fonze07

Thanks Karaokeman. You are right and that is what i am going to do. People on here must think i text or phone her everyday harrassing her by the way you are going on. I usually only text her about 2-3 times a week, but i don't think it's too much to ask that if i do text her for her to just respond and let me know yes or no considering we have been getting on well before that.

But as i said, i will leave it alone and if she contacts me then i will decide what to do but cutting contact seems like the only way.

Fonze07

Thanks for putting the blame on me yet again. Before this little episode, she text me 3-4 times a week and not in reply to my texts. Just texting me about regular stuff so how am i suppose to find it a problem if i text her if she keeps doing the same back. It's not like i usually text her and she never responds. Then, i would get the hint.

Anyway, just checked my email and she sent a mail just saying
"hey, sorry it took so long to reply but have not been online in sooo long . was away for few days ...i know i cant have same fight over and over again.
tell me when u ready . i dont care how long u will need"

Fonze07

I sent her a mail just saying i won't be contacting her again as i think it's for the best.

She replied saying "Ok, i understand. If you think is what is best i will accept that"

Piglet85

Fonze07 wrote: »

I sent her a mail just saying i won't be contacting her again as i think it's for the best.

She replied saying "Ok, i understand. If you think is what is best i will accept that"

Great, OP. I hope that this time you mean it and weren't just trying to provoke a reaction.

I think her reply should tell you all you need to know. She didn't appear to find that a difficult proposition to accept; she hasn't asked you to reconsider, or given you any reason to think that she wants to try and work things out and rebuild your friendship. It's over now. Time to move on with your life once and for all.

Nollipop

OP its good to hear that you are taking steps to help yourself feel better about the situation.

I had the opposite experience. I am female but most of my friends are male, due to my music and sporting interests. 5/6 years ago my best friend told me that he had fallen in love with me. I was very flattered but had no feelings for him above friendship. He was extremely upset about this, but I tried my best to help him get over the situation. I still talked to regularly, we exchanged texts, met for meals and other sports that we shared as before, but he just felt constantly miserable about it.

When I met my partner, he got more upset and felt that he had been replaced, and so on. Again I tried my best to help him feel better, but he could not stop feeling miserable. This actually caused a few arguments with my new boyfriend as he couldn't understand why I was taking so much time and effort to help my friend. I just didn't want him to do something silly because he was such a nice person!

My friend eventually was approached by a mutual friend of ours and told to "pull himself together." He actually ended up cutting off all contact with me, moving across the country, getting his job transferred and finding a whole new set of friends. Obviously I'm not saying that you need to go to these lengths, but the distance DID help him.

Its now quite a few years later and my old friend has a lovely girlfriend, a house together and a very busy social life. We still haven't contacted each other, but I know from conversations with mutual friends that he's okay, and he knows that I'm doing fine too. If we were to meet again now, it would be so different!

I know that now you've decided to take the first few steps, you will be able to concentrate on yourself and what you want out of life. Good luck.

Fonze07

She sent a further email today:

What else can i write. How can u say that its so easy for me.
i try to find words but how can i. There are no right words for that and its not that i'm giving up. I just want you to be happy. And from every side i hear i'm not good for you .So what should i do? Tell me? And because i'm not replying its normal thing for all my friends. They know me well and they are use to it. That doesnt mean that they are not important to me. Besides i told u so many times u can come and visit me almost any time.

I am a friend

Fonze07 wrote: »

She sent a further email today:

What else can i write. How can u say that its so easy for me.
i try to find words but how can i. There are no right words for that and its not that i'm giving up. I just want you to be happy. And from every side i hear i'm not good for you .So what should i do? Tell me? And because i'm not replying its normal thing for all my friends. They know me well and they are use to it. That doesnt mean that they are not important to me. Besides i told u so many times u can come and visit me almost any time.

Not being smart but is English her mother tongue? I dont understand what most of that means...

iguana

Fonze07 wrote: »

I sent her a mail just saying i won't be contacting her again as i think it's for the best.

She replied saying "Ok, i understand. If you think is what is best i will accept that"

Fonze07 wrote: »

She sent a further email today:

What else can i write. How can u say that its so easy for me.
i try to find words but how can i...........................

Would I be right in assuming that between her last mail and the one before that you emailed her because you were upset about how easy it was to her to accept you ending contact? I can't imagine her telling you she understands and accepts your decision a few days ago and then contacting you out of nowhere to ask, how you can say it is so easy for her.

Kevin Duffy

Fonze07 wrote: »

She sent a further email today:

What else can i write. How can u say that its so easy for me.
i try to find words but how can i. There are no right words for that and its not that i'm giving up. I just want you to be happy. And from every side i hear i'm not good for you .So what should i do? Tell me? And because i'm not replying its normal thing for all my friends. They know me well and they are use to it. That doesnt mean that they are not important to me. Besides i told u so many times u can come and visit me almost any time.

That says to me that now you are both doing the wrong thing, you should not contact her and you should not respond to her contact.

seenitall

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

That says to me that now you are both doing the wrong thing, you should not contact her and you should not respond to her contact.

Correct. By responding to the OP's messages, the girl is doing nothing but enabling his obsession. I do hope she wakes up and smells the coffee at some point. Sadly, emotional manipulation works a treat on some people (as is pretty clear from her last message - i.e. the OP is guilting her into protestations of how it is NOT easy for her to never hear from him again :rolleyes:), and this is a big contributor to the status quo. But if you look at the OP's other threads on here, you will see that the guilting/emotional manipulation is indeed his regular MO in relation to this girl.

The only way to deal with obsessives is to cut them off completely. Total silence. After a while, they will get it, as the delusion is denied its air supply and must die a natural death.

I've been through all this a few years ago, and after a couple of years of cards, presents and whiny messages to the tune of "but I just want to be frieeeends", he has now finally desisted. Total silence is the only way.

(Unfortunaltely it is not the OP who should be reading my post, it is his, ahem, friend. )

ppink

I think you are on a line now of making an eejit of yourself with all this.


I have to say I had a similar issue before witha "friend" of mine. I felt under massive pressure to meet them or to text them or talk to them and to be honest I did not want to. I had been going through my own stuff and did not want to meet up with someone who wanted to know all about it or who commented on how I looked etc.
Their "friendship" was just too intense for me and it made me incredibly uncomfortable. It was fine at the beginning but just got to a level of almost harassment so my only option was to stop responding to the calls.
Any time I did respond I ended up getting the third degree about how I did not repond the previous time and it just drove me crazy.

In short I think you should leave the girl alone.

karaokeman

What were the thoughts that came to your head when you first recieved the email OP?

Seen as how she's married I think you should be wary of what comes to your mind reading the mail.

From that text I'd say you could still be friends with her (if she's saying you can come visit her as a friend anytime you want). Just don't get "the vibe" if you know what I mean.

Kevin Duffy

karaokeman wrote: »

What were the thoughts that came to your head when you first recieved the email OP?

Seen as how she's married I think you should be wary of what comes to your mind reading the mail.

From that text I'd say you could still be friends with her (if she's saying you can come visit her as a friend anytime you want). Just don't get "the vibe" if you know what I mean.

With the attitude the OP has described in this thread, they can't.

irishdude11

Just stop stalking her for god sake. Do you realise how mental she must think you are? Im sure she has plenty of friends in her life who dont harrass her non-stop so she doesn't need you to keep butting into her life. All she is getting out of your 'friendship' is drama, whinging and hassle. Any miniscule chance you may have had with her if her marriage broke up down the line is well and truly gone as you have made yourself out to be a complete weirdo with your constant harrassment and drama.

She doesnt want anything to do with you but you try and guilt trip her into staying in contact, thats a scumbag move. You are clearly stalking her, I hope you find yourself up in court over it when she has enough of it, or when the husband has enough of it.