Are these feelings normal?

LegacyUser

I split up with my fiancee 3 years ago. Well, he split up with me. We had been together 6 years. A year before we split, I found out he had cheated on me. I gave him a second chance but I don't think either of us were fully into making it work, well he wasn't anyway. About a year after I found out, he left me to be with her and as far as I know they are still together.

I've been single since but have dated. Just nothing serious as I was with him from a young age and wanted to "find myself" I suppose.

So, it's 3 years later and I can safely say I am over him. I see him and feel nothing.

However, my issue is, that when I think back to what he did, the night I found out about the cheating and the night he left me, when I think of the things that were said and done, I feel sick. Nearly like I'm right back at that time, finding out all over again. The feelings are so strong that I nearly try not to talk about it or remember it because it hurts so much.

I can discuss it in general terms, like it doesn't bother me to say "my ex left me for another woman" but if someone asks me how I found out, it hurts to remember. i get a sick feeling in my stomach, I can vividly remember the exact expression on his face when I confronted him. I can recall every moment of that day. And likewise the moment where he told me he was leaving.
I can recall other memories of our time together with less intensity, other fights, other happy times....I can remember them for what they were without too much effect, like a distant memory.

I've been dumped before and been hurt. I've lost loved ones. But nothing has quite the same impact on me as these other memories. I thought it would dull with time and it has slightly. But it's still very much there, raw. It hurts to expose it so I keep it hidden but I'm not sure if that's wise either.

the feelings I have, they're a mixture of anger, shame, embarrassment, betrayal.....too many to name. I get knots in my stomach and I get flushed and red faced. It's a genuine reaction.
I'm not sure what to do about it though, if it's a normal reaction. Do I keep poking at the raw nerve and hop I become more immune? Or do I cover it up and just block it from memory?

Miss Fluff

Normal?? wrote: »

It hurts to expose it so I keep it hidden but I'm not sure if that's wise either.

I'm all for talking things out to be honest. Talking is my way of processing things and thankfully I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family that facilitate this in times of need. I do for them too. That's my way of coping through tough times. I've had events in my life too though that have been so painful that I haven't been able to talk about them at the time. Not until much later. When I'm ready though I talk it out. Do you have a good trusted friend who you can discuss this with? Seems like you may be ready to talk it out. Someone who will be kind and understanding and not judge you for wanting to discuss this so long after the event?

LegacyUser

I have friends but I think I've bored them all to death at this stage. It was a very messy split, involving property and children and I suppose I talked through all those issues and they are now non-issues.

I don't really have anyone I can talk to about the emotional side of it. Someone I can talk to about the humiliation, the hurt etc. If I want to bad mouth him or complain about him, if I want to b1tch about him, I have a hoard of people who will line up and listen and happily join in. But the actual naked emotional side of it....no. I'm a fairly reserved person when it comes to negative emotion which leaves me vunerable. I can do anger because that empowers me. I can do happy and love, quite openly and honestly. But the idea of letting people see how hurt I was, how painful it was.....I shudder at the thought to be honest.

dearg lady

Op again wrote: »

I have friends but I think I've bored them all to death at this stage. It was a very messy split, involving property and children and I suppose I talked through all those issues and they are now non-issues.

I don't really have anyone I can talk to about the emotional side of it. Someone I can talk to about the humiliation, the hurt etc. If I want to bad mouth him or complain about him, if I want to b1tch about him, I have a hoard of people who will line up and listen and happily join in. But the actual naked emotional side of it....no. I'm a fairly reserved person when it comes to negative emotion which leaves me vunerable. I can do anger because that empowers me. I can do happy and love, quite openly and honestly. But the idea of letting people see how hurt I was, how painful it was.....I shudder at the thought to be honest.

perhaps it would be helpful to speak to a counsellor about this. As you say you are over him, yet there is still an issue holding you back, and thats compeltely understandable. Burying these feelings won't make them go away, they will resurface at some point.

Speaking with a professional could help you work through these feelings, and you can be completely honest with a counsellor. Often we hide some of her our feelings even from our closest friends.