1st break-up: how do you accept being told 'you're not the one'?

ChirishGirl

Myself and my boyfriend of nearly fourteen months fell in love very, very fast at the beginning of our relationship, and we have always so open and honest with one another. We are the type of couple that would stay awake all night to just sort out an argument or something that was bothering one of us. We always have each others interests at heart, and he knows I would do absolutely ANYTHING for him. I care about him more than anyone in the world, as a friend and as a partner.

However, my world fell down around me when he broke up with me, just before I left college to go home for the summer. His reason was that though he still loves me very much, he believes we don't have enough in common and that he thinks we are not each others 'other half' or the 'ones' for each other. This completely crushed me. He also said that this had been on his mind for a few weeks, and he believed that we were never going to last in the future. I thought he was just having doubts at first, but I soon realized he had made his decision. I have never gone through a break up before, but I now know it is hell. Since it happened I have barley been able to eat or sleep. I feel like i have been kicked in the chest, and it is a battle to restrain myself from crying all the time.

I had to travel back up to college for a goodbye dinner our mutual friends were having three days after we broke up. I dragged myself up there because I was desperate to see him again, and i was so sure I could change his mind somehow, to make him see that if he does love me like he said he does, we could make it work somehow. After the meal we went back to mine, and soon enough we were kissing, cuddling and generally happy in each others arms. After talking for a while, I thought maybe he was changing his mind about breaking up, as it was clear he missed me and by kissing and hugging me, he still wanted me. However, I was wrong and nothing has changed; he still wants to be single as he believes we are not meant to be together.

We live 2 hours apart so it is unlikely I will see him again any time soon. I feel so confused. Surely if you love someone and care about them so much, then you should be with that person? I know I am going to be struggling to get over this for quite some time, and the thought of him finding another girl over the summer or the future who could take my place is torturing me, because I don't know how I will be ever able to stop having feelings for him. I truly believe we are meant to be together.

Should I try forget about him, or hold on to the hope I have that he will eventually come to his senses, and realise that the love we have for each other is too rare and special to give up on?

gypsy_rose

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like he has made his decision. It's very hard to take, especially since you are so in love with him and had probably entertained ideas of moving in together etc.

However, I think he has made the right decision for both of you, if he had doubts and just suppressed them for a while it would have made it so much worse for both of you, so you can at least be thankful that he was honest with you.

He may be the kind of person that is just all or nothing and doesn't believe he should be in a relationship unless he's thinking it's going to go somewhere. I know it's so hard to take, but hey, you can console yourself with the fact that he obviously isn't so great if he couldn't see how great you are and that he broke up with you; he obviously is not the right person for you.

I know you're hurting a lot now, and it's gonna be a while before you start feeling better in yourself, but trust me, it will come to you in time.

Now it's the summer you should preoccupy yourself with friends/ a job/ outdoor activities, meet new guys, and have fun. You're young and will meet plenty of men in your time.

Give yourself a while to grieve and then go out and enjoy being single and young.

It definitely sounds like he has made his decision, and to be honest it was a bit cruel of him to go back home with you that night and giving you false hope, not something that a good friend would do.

So I recommend that you break contact completely, I know you have mutual friends but that doesn't mean you have to be friends with him on facebook/have his number anymore.

The only way you'll get over him is to give it time and to have no contact with him whatsoever so the old memories and wounds don't get reopened.

Chin up OP, you'll be fine, all you need is a bit of time.

LegacyUser

Well, I know how you feel Its not nice is it! You just want to tell them NOOO YOU'RE WRONG. I know I go through phases of denial that its happened, and hope that he'll change his mind when he sees me.

Unfortunately though, you cant change someone's mind for them. You can only let them go.

ChirishGirl

breaking all contact with him will probably be very hard, he keeps insisting that we should still try to be friends and be able to talk to one another as normal, and he says that he has to be able to still have me in his life.
I know deep down that no contact is most likely the best solution, I think i'm just so worried he will forget all about me and move on with some one else.

gypsy_rose

That is very selfish of him, he must know how hurt you are and that the only way you'll be able to move on will be to break contact. You need to think of yourself here, not him. Why should you think of his needs, he dumped you!

Well yeah, harsh reality is he will move on and have someone else, but then again, so will you. This is all part of the grieving process, but it will pass.

Break contact, it's the best thing for both of you and the only way you can heal and move on.

I am a friend

He wants to soften the blow of the separation by staying in touch with you and you don't need that. From experience the best way to move on is no contact and you need to look after yourself not him.

Try to not let it damage your confidence. You may not be the one for him but you will be THE ONE for someone else...

ennis81

Ah hun I'm sorry we've all been there and it absolutley SUCKS
It does sound like he has his mind made up, the 1st few weeks are the hardest but the pain will ease a bit after that.
All you can really do is be kind to yourself, chocolate, wine and funny films and lean on your friends and family for support.
If you can face it try and get some excercise, it'll help you sleep
And no contact hun, it makes it so much harder
Mind yourself, things will get better;)

LegacyUser

Very selfish of him to want to be 'friends'. He made his decision, which was not to be with you romantically, and now he has to deal with the fallout, too - and that means losing you from his life. He can't expect you to be devastated while he gets off guilt-free and has you as a 'friend'.

Please don't do the friend thing. If you have strong feelings for him, they'll never go away as long as you're in regular contact. You'll never be able to move on. I wasted four years trying to get over someone who wanted to be 'friends' while I was still in love with him. It's just not possible. Cut contact for your own peace of mind, and good luck. x

Wompa1

Here comes Captain Cynicism. What he told you for the break up is a very valid reason to break up but the timing is pretty coincidental with you going home for the summer. I wouldn't be suprised if it had more to do with him sewing some wild oats during the summer. Don't be suprised if he contacts you again if yee are both back in the same place in September

ChirishGirl

Thanks for all the advice guys considering everyone says breaking contact is the only solution, I'm going to do it. Hopefully it works!!

As for the idea that he might try get into contact again in September, to be honest I think that is likely to happen. He has pressed that he still wants to be friends and be able to talk as we always do (though how it will be possible after this, I don't know..), and deep down i think that if he hasn't had a good summer being single, he could try casually get back with me. He knows that at the moment I am completely dependent on him and would do anything for him, so he might expect me to be still like that in the future when we do meet again.

As much as it hurts to admit, if we really are not meant to be together as he believes, this is probably for the best and I will be happier in the long run. I'll just have to wait and see..

spinandscribble

ChirishGirl wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys considering everyone says breaking contact is the only solution, I'm going to do it. Hopefully it works!!

As for the idea that he might try get into contact again in September, to be honest I think that is likely to happen. He has pressed that he still wants to be friends and be able to talk as we always do (though how it will be possible after this, I don't know..), and deep down i think that if he hasn't had a good summer being single, he could try casually get back with me. He knows that at the moment I am completely dependent on him and would do anything for him, so he might expect me to be still like that in the future when we do meet again.

As much as it hurts to admit, if we really are not meant to be together as he believes, this is probably for the best and I will be happier in the long run. I'll just have to wait and see..

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't be the "college gf". I've seen friends go through this. It might work for couples that both have wild oats to deal with and have a relationship out of connivence but if one of you is serious and the other, it won't work.

He might come back after the summer, with stories of how miserable he was all summer, couldn't eat/drink/go out/stuck inside the house. You being in love with him will feel sorry for him. He might even cry. Get some flowers. You'll fall back into his arms, only to find yourself in the same situation the following May. I've seen it happen before and it isn't pretty. especially when his summers of flings/fun get exposed down the road.

Look at it this way. He dumped you. He knows you love him. there's no reason for him to wait to tell you his mistake come september.

Sorry if i've depressed you but your OP set alarm bells ringing for me and I'd heard this story before.

ChirishGirl

spinandscribble wrote: »

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't be the "college gf". I've seen friends go through this. It might work for couples that both have wild oats to deal with and have a relationship out of connivence but if one of you is serious and the other, it won't work.

He might come back after the summer, with stories of how miserable he was all summer, couldn't eat/drink/go out/stuck inside the house. You being in love with him will feel sorry for him. He might even cry. Get some flowers. You'll fall back into his arms, only to find yourself in the same situation the following May. I've seen it happen before and it isn't pretty. especially when his summers of flings/fun get exposed down the road.

Look at it this way. He dumped you. He knows you love him. there's no reason for him to wait to tell you his mistake come september.

Sorry if i've depressed you but your OP set alarm bells ringing for me and I'd heard this story before.

I wouldn't really like to think of myself as just a 'college girlfriend'..we both made a great effort last summer to visit each other since we live so far apart, and we talked every day. It went rather well, not what I'd consider a relationship created merely out of convenience.

I know i'll have to just accept that he dumped me, and move on. Only time will tell I suppose if he does actually come back and say he's made a mistake. Though deep down a tiny part of me keeps hoping I will hear him say that now, I know i just have to try move on.

spinandscribble

ChirishGirl wrote: »

I wouldn't really like to think of myself as just a 'college girlfriend'..we both made a great effort last summer to visit each other since we live so far apart, and we talked every day. It went rather well, not what I'd consider a relationship created merely out of convenience.

I'm not saying you're in one (I don't think any person in love ever means to be, I know my friend didn't), just depends on his behaviour, seems fishy to dump someone right before summer and based on the information you gave, I replied.

Knowing NOW that you both were together last summer, seeing each other infrequently (as opposed to living in the same town), it changes the situation and opinion i have.

I meant no offense and did not mean to discredit your relationship, I just heard similar stories before and don't like seeing someone get screwed over.

amtc

you poor thing. It's horrible. But in my years of relationships I have learnt that you can't make someone feel what they don't want to. I have begged, cajoled, cried etc....

...bumped into my college bf from 15 years ago recently, that I cried buckets over and wrote impassioned letters and generally bored all my friends...you know, I couldn't even recall his second name, and I am Ms Sensitive.

Time is a great healer, a cliche but true. Every day will get a little easier.

A good friend of mine told me the advice her granny gave her. KNOW YOUR OWN VALUE.