Child being excluded

Spoon Fed

First of all, this has happened to us all at some stage when we were children, but with an adult's cap on and a parent's concern for their child involved, what would you suggest to be the best course of action?

My son (7) has a best friend on the road and many 'acquaintances'. One of these acquaintances has started setting up clubs to which she invites her 'friends'. Recently she has taken a dislike to my son for some reason and has started excluding him from attending these impromptu club gatherings. Problem is his best friend is asked to join her which he usually does, leaving my son to tramp home feeling dejected.

My wife is raging of course at the slight and devious behaviour of this individual. However, I reassure her that this is a kids issue that cannot be viewed through the eyes of an adult. We all know of the many options that would be available to us if it were being played out at an adult level, which would be very unlikely.

However, I do want to arm my son with a response to this nonsense instead of turn the other cheek without bringing it up to an adult level.

What do you advise me to do ?

thanks!

fro9etb8j5qsl2

Get your son to hold a few club meetings of his own and invite everyone but her. That'll teach the little wench.,,,

Ayla

Truthfully, kids (of any age) can be incredibly insincere and short-sighted. Sounds like this 'acquaintance' is a royal pain who's feeling quite high & mighty right now...that has also happened to most of us at some point in our childhoods. :rolleyes:

All you can do for now is help your son see that it's not a fault on his part. The girl will eventually change her "club" and maybe next week he'll find himself suddenly invited.

Also, if you're in anyway chatty with her parents, perhaps a subtle hint that their daughter's being superior to the exclusion of other kids might be in order.

Ayla

Judith Repulsive Spectroscope wrote: »

Get your son to hold a few club meetings of his own and invite everyone but her. That'll teach the little wench.,,,

Unfortunately, no it won't (even if it will feel good!). It'll just cut off any chance the kids have at ever mixing again.

CrazyRabbit

Exclusion is a form of bullying. I would approach this girl's parents to calmly discuss her actions and the impact on other children who are excluded. Hopefully the girls parents are decent and will take corrective action.

smelltheglove

Having recently moved my kids have been facing this sort of thing lately, mainly one or two kids doing it. At first they were coming in upset about it but I explained to the that the other kids were being mean and did they really want to play with mean kids..... anyway one of their good friends would often join in the clubs but after a time found that in my kids abscence the other kids taunted this child instead. Now more often than not they just stick with their good friends and dont mind the other kids. I think they have their heads screwed on quite well and tend to walk away when there is any nastiness going on.

If it is a recent thing I am sure he will be wide to it soon enough, I think it generally is one kid trying to be superior to the others and hopefully it will fade in time. In the mean time make sure there are other fun things to do when these occasions do happen, I tell the girls to sit down with me and watch some chick flicks or I might get them to help me with dinner or even make rice krispie cakes, just something to take his mind off it when he is feeling down.

Personally I wouldnt bother going to the other parents, I am astounded by the attitude of some thinking theirs can do no harm and the sun shines, let them live in their bubble, they may have it harder then you when the teenage years come though!

Spoon Fed

Judith Repulsive Spectroscope wrote: »

Get your son to hold a few club meetings of his own and invite everyone but her. That'll teach the little wench.,,,

I did think of that and was my (adult) knee jerk reaction but agree that it might do more damage and start more tit for tat behaviour. I also thought of him gatecrashing her party anyway which may bring it to a head as I am sure there would be a fight which would then bring her parent into it who should then correct her poor attitude, but that is a little unpredictable also. Imagine if she had a go at my son instead!!! talk about going from bad to worse.

Morag

It's kids learning how to flex socail and political muscles.
Girls seem to do this a lot more then boys do, yes it's a form of bullying but kids do have the right to pick and choose who they play with.
When you are on the receiving end of it or you child is it sucks but there is not a huge amount you can do about it.

Fittle

The same thing happened to my son last year when he was just turning 8. There were a group of boys & girls who all played happily together - then one of the girls began to create 'clubs' and my lad was never invited. She would pitch a tent in her garden and I'd see my lad standing outside it, asking if he could go in..and she'd scream 'No, you don't know the code and we're not telling you...':mad: Tthis went on for weeks....there were tears from him, and reassurances from me that as boys and girls get older, things like this happen...

Roll on about 18 months and the boys and girls have had a natural 'split'.....and few of the kids now play with this girl at all (not that it makes me happy...of course;))...

Spoon Fed

Fittle wrote: »

She would pitch a tent in her garden and I'd see my lad standing outside it, asking if he could go in..and she'd scream 'No, you don't know the code and we're not telling you...':mad: Tthis went on for weeks....there were tears from him, and reassurances from me that as boys and girls get older, things like this happen.....

Hearing that makes my blood boil, poor lad. You could only hope that someone in the club would come out and side with him. Now that would be a child to be admired and a great person in the making. The pull of the crowd though is very strong and difficult to resist.

Fittle

I find alot of this type of stuff is lead by girls...I don't remember doing it myself as a young girl, but I've seen it time and time again with my son when he mixes with girls...young girls seem to get more territorial with their toys/games/friends etc - boys don't seem to care enough about anything to become territorial about.....I'm often grateful I have a boy;) (but I guess if I'd a girl, I'd be grateful too!)

silverharp

how many other boys are there, is it worth trying to orgainsie some "boy centric" activities to alter the dynamic a bit?

willow tree

ooh, its awful, you can be sure (well you cant ) that she is learning this behaviour at home, if that is the case no point talking to the parents... this happened to my niece, my brother kept encouraging the 'friendship' and eventually ny niece said 'no, shes not that nice to me' and hangs out with other kids now.. maybe he could start his own club, invite all, including her.. i also think the idea of boys activities is good (although it goes against every belief i have of stereotypes not being a good thing):D good luck

Sleepy

Was very proud of the 5 year-old step-son recently when he responded to something like a few months ago this by roaring at the girl involved "You're mean **** and that's why no-one likes you".

I think the girl in question had a hard time adjusting to "sharing" the litte girl next door who'd be our little fella's best friend on the road since we moved in. 6/7 months later and the three of them are thick as thieves though.

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to give a rather dismissive attitude to the child causing the problems. In the case of exclusionary behaviour like you've mentioned a "well, doesn't she have a high opinion of herself / lovely attitude" comment will resonate with your own kids who'll probably take her to task on it.

LadyMayBelle

Ooh, reading back over your original post OP, I noticed your poor wee kid comes home feeling like a tramp and rejected That sucks.

As well as taking on board some of the great advice suggested here, maybe consider boosting his self esteem at the same time. I know my little sis was excluded by bullies and it was terrible, but she needed some work on herself..
Is he a kid who can or used to ‘stand up for himself’. Encourage him to express what he feels like when they leave him out, to you, to them, and come up with some strategies that will help boost his confidence. Make sure his voice is heard. A knock like exclusion can have serious repercussion so as well as getting rid of the nasty stuff, get him feeling good.
Kids can be so feckin nasty, it’s tough out there

Fittle

This would make an interesting gender debate:D

I honestly find it's girls who have a tendency to leave other children out of stuff - boy's don't seem to have that 'streak' in them...or perhaps I'm just biased;)

reeta

Sleepy wrote: »

Was very proud of the 5 year-old step-son recently when he responded to something like a few months ago this by roaring at the girl involved "You're mean **** and that's why no-one likes you".



So you have no problems with your 5 years old roaring bad language (obviously out on the street) to another child !!!!!!!!!!!

Fittle

reeta wrote: »

Sleepy wrote: »

Was very proud of the 5 year-old step-son recently when he responded to something like a few months ago this by roaring at the girl involved "You're mean **** and that's why no-one likes you".



So you have no problems with your 5 years old roaring bad language (obviously out on the street) to another child !!!!!!!!!!!

The 'stars' were the other childs name...not bad language...I imagine.

Sleepy

Yes, the stars were the protection of the guilty rather than an expletive. I'd have thought the lack of an "a" or "an" before the word "mean" would have given it away.

Though, to be honest, I'd have less problem with our kids using bad language than with them engaging in bullying behaviour, or even allowing themselves to be the victims of bullying tbh. I care more about how they grow up than what the neighbours think of me.

silverharp

^^ best laugh of the morning