Flatmate and her boyfriend - would it be petty of me?

Piglet85

Hi all,

I share an apartment with one other girl since last September (I've been living here five years, she just moved in then). At the end of October, she met a guy, had a whirlwind romance and he basically moved in within a week. Now when I say moved in, he kept his own place, but I could literally count on one hand the amount of nights that she spent here that he wasn't since then. So for all intents and purposes, he has been living here.

I put up with this as I've had a very stressful year and have had to go away most weekends this year, so haven't been here full time myself. They had planned to move out last week, so I was looking forward to having the space free again for a while (we're postgrad students, and it's unlikely that anyone would move in until September, although even if they had, it would be one person at least, not two). Turns out now that they're staying put, and as his lease ended three weeks ago, he's clearly officially living here full time now, despite the fact that they didn't even run this past me, and it's certainly not allowed by the management company. Our rent is pre-paid, as are our bills up to a certain point, so that's not a huge issue, although if we go over the bills allowance for the year - and we probably will - it may be then. The main thing bothering me is that this is a really small apartment and I'm sharing it with a couple, which is not what I signed up for. His stuff takes up space, he's really loud, I have to listen to their bed banging off my wall each day (I'm not jealous, by the way, I'm in a relationship, although my boyfriend stays here around one night a month at the very most as he works away),etc.

Even more annoying than that is the fact that they haven't bothered to speak to me about him being here or acknowledge it at all. I asked him this morning why they had changed their mind about moving out and he said that he will in a month but she's staying here. I'm not convinced at all, and even if he does take a room elsewhere, I know he'll be here every night anyway.

So basically, would it be really petty of me to speak to the management company and let them know he's living here? I feel like it would, and I don't think I can do it, but I'm so annoyed with myself for letting them take advantage of me that I kind of want to. I feel like a doormat if I don't and a bitch if I do, but I don't know how else to improve things. It's so frustrating sharing this small space with a couple, and it's not what I signed up for.

solovely

OP, I feel your pain. Are you sure he's still paying rent elsewhere?

I am in the same situation, but yours sounds worse, as you have no way out.

Before talking to the management company, would you have a word with her? Do you get on besides this issue? is she someone you can chat to? Get a few digs in or just say it outright.

I own my own house and one of the people living with me started going out with someone back in Feb, and like you, within a few weeks had practically moved him in. He fell out with his own housemate, and I don't think has stayed there a night in over 6 weeks (except for 2 days when she was away with her parents). I'm not even sure if he's still paying rent there. It's not only that he stays, but they take over the whole downstairs of the house - kitchen, sitting room, dining room, rarely work and are completely filthy, oh and he stinks! I haven't said anything as she is moving out in a few weeks, thank God, but if she decided to stay on, like you, I would be at my complete wits end and would have to (it got so bad that I lost my other lodger as a result....I am basically a slave to my bedroom!!).

You are paying rent to share facilities with one other person. If there's 2 there it should be split 3 ways, as should bills. It's totally unacceptable, especially for 9 months.

I really think you would be better off having a word with her yourself before going to the management company, not in a confrontational way, but turn it on yourself and not them....that you feel you need your personal space, not anything personal against them. If you can't do this, then by all means go to the management people, but be prepared for a backlash from her.

Also, some other tactics I've started adopting....
bringing friends over and taking control of the TV, even when there's nothing on I want to watch
Talking about it on the phone to others when I know she can hear
Telling her I have people staying over when I haven't

I know these are so petty and childish and I would be better off having a word with her to her face, but because she is paying me rent and because she is leaving in a few weeks anyway I'm willing to let it slide....

I would definitely recommend speaking with your flatmate before speaking to the management company.

Sit her down and let her know where you stand. If it was me, I would tell her that if he's staying more than two nights a week, it's taking liberties and that they're making you feel like a guest in your own home. That there's also financial concerns, but most importantly that you're living there under the conditions of the management company, and that you've paid to live in a flat with one other person. Let her know that you'd really like to sort it out between the two of you, but if she's insistent on her boyfriend staying, or keeps claiming it's temporary, you'll have to go to the management.

Piglet85

Thanks solovely, helps to know I'm not the only one!

To be honest, I hardly know the girl. We were getting on well in the few weeks before she met him, but as soon as he came on the scene she pretty much stopped speaking to me. If they're in the kitchen/living room at the same time as me, I do speak to them a bit but she generally avoids getting into conversation and just talks to him.

As far as him paying rent elsewhere goes, I actually know for a fact that he's not at the moment, this is his only address right now. He says that's going to change soon, but I'm sceptical to be honest.

I know you're right; I should speak to her first. I'm just being a wuss. I'm the unconfrontational type, whereas they're both very firey and cocky, so I think I'd fall apart if I tried to speak to them both (as I don't think their reaction would be the best). And I literally NEVER see her without him. Well, maybe once every few weeks for five minutes while he's in the shower or something. I suppose I need to just cop on and be brave, but I don't trust myself to handle it well at all!

Piglet85

true-or-false wrote: »

I would definitely recommend speaking with your flatmate before speaking to the management company.

Sit her down and let her know where you stand. If it was me, I would tell her that if he's staying more than two nights a week, it's taking liberties and that they're making you feel like a guest in your own home. That there's also financial concerns, but most importantly that you're living there under the conditions of the management company, and that you've paid to live in a flat with one other person. Let her know that you'd really like to sort it out between the two of you, but if she's insistent on her boyfriend staying, or keeps claiming it's temporary, you'll have to go to the management.

Thanks, I suppose this is the way to go. I'm such a wimp though!

Elle Collins

Personally I think it'd be WAY out of order to go to the management company before even discussing it with your flatmate! You need to learn to speak up for yourself. How is she to know it's even bothering you if you don't tell her? She probably thinks you couldn't care less as you haven't even mentioned it and would get the shock of her life if you went to the management committee.

Piglet85

Elle Collins wrote: »

Personally I think it'd be WAY out of order to go to the management company before even discussing it with your flatmate! You need to learn to speak up for yourself. How is she to know it's even bothering you if you don't tell her? She probably thinks you couldn't care less as you haven't even mentioned it and would get the shock of her life if you went to the management committee.

I see your point, absolutely, but I have been kind of obvious about it (as in, asking when they were moving out a few times, asking her if he was staying over a number of times even when it was clear that he was, asking them to keep the noise down, that kind of thing). I know that's not enough for it to be really clear to them that it bothers me though, and you're right, I do need to learn to stand up for myself. I'm intimidated as there's two of them and they're both really forceful characters.

Also, I think it way WAY out of order of them to move him in without asking. It was one thing when he still officially lived elsewhere, but they have let it slip a couple of times now that he's left where he was living and that he's not living anywhere else 'yet'. Regardless of whether they thought I'd mind or not, it's common courtesy to ask.

ash23

Piglet85 wrote: »

I see your point, absolutely, but I have been kind of obvious about it (as in, asking when they were moving out a few times, asking her if he was staying over a number of times even when it was clear that he was, asking them to keep the noise down, that kind of thing). I know that's not enough for it to be really clear to them that it bothers me though, and you're right, I do need to learn to stand up for myself. I'm intimidated as there's two of them and they're both really forceful characters.

Also, I think it way WAY out of order of them to move him in without asking. It was one thing when he still officially lived elsewhere, but they have let it slip a couple of times now that he's left where he was living and that he's not living anywhere else 'yet'. Regardless of whether they thought I'd mind or not, it's common courtesy to ask.

Kind of obvious isn't really working, you need to be blunt and clear cut. Next time they're both there say you want a word. Ask has he moved in. If they say yes, tell them they should have run it past you first but as he's here now, it's time to look at the bills and rent situation as it's not fair you are basically supplementing him and paying the same for sharing with 2 people are you had agreed for sharing with one.

Elle Collins

Piglet85 wrote: »

Also, I think it way WAY out of order of them to move him in without asking.

So do I. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

chloek

Just tell her it is not on, you did not ask to live with a couple.

They did not consider how you might feel so why should you consider them.

solovely

Piglet85 wrote: »

Thanks, I suppose this is the way to go. I'm such a wimp though!

I'm like you Piglet 85, I am a wimp, I let these things get to me yet say nothing about it (except like you, by getting in some blatant digs).

It is not as easy to "just say something" like everyone here has suggested. I see it on this forum and the accommodation one where people say if you have a problem with your housemates to just confront them and say it....forgetting that you spend most of your life living in your house/ apartment, and nobody wants to live in an atmosphere of tension and unpleasantness.

So, the way you broach this is really important.
As I said before, don't bring it up in a confrontational manner, ask for a quick chat, be friendly and casual.
Don't make it about them, make it about you, that way you aren't attacking them personally.
Start and finish with a joke or some casual banter if you can, to keep it lighthearted, but make sure you get your point across clearly, without attacking.
And bring up about the money!

Good luck!!

Emme

You should definitely speak to your flatmate (the female one :rolleyes:) before considering the management company. If you need moral support maybe speak to her when your bf is around.

There are three of you living in an apartment for two - you're subsidising their lifestyle and the fact that her bf isn't paying rent elsewhere shows that they're happy to take you for a mug.

Bring up money - insist that all utilty bills like ESB etc be split 3 ways and they'll catch on fast.

spinandscribble

Speak to the female housemate (without the bf there as he does not get a say in this). I think you were overly nice by letting him stay over as much as he did but the fact she moved him in without asking you about it just shows such disrespect you cannot NOT say anything to her. Don't go to the management first, no matter how wrong she is, she'll tar you as the bad one if you go behind her back. if it falls on deaf ears then go to the management.

Piglet85

Thanks everyone, some good advice there! Can't say I like the thought of doing it, but it seems speaking to her is the best option, so I'll give it a go.