31 and feel my life is over - because of so-called friend!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm a long-time lurker of this forum and know there's really good advice given here. There's something I've been annoyed about for a long time and I thought I'd put it out here now - any advice or help you could give me would be much appreciated.

Basically, as the thread title goes, I'm 31, female and single, and the problem is that I'm really feeling that I'm being pitied by some of my friends, and one girl in particular. A bit of background on me: I've spent a long time in Uni (I stayed until I got my PhD) and now I find myself unemployed and looking for work. Now she is always making me feel like I've wasted all my time in college because i'm unemployed - and is not shy about making reference to it and to how much she is 'subsidising me' on the dole.

Another thing is that she's recently got engaged and I'm her bridesmaid. Now her boyfriend is far from perfect, she says herself that she only settled for him in the beginning and now she's only staying with him because she doesn't think she'll meet anyone else - but he's an okay guy and not the worst guy in the world. The thing that annoys me is that she's got so smug over it. Every time we meet up she talks about him, her job and her life in a way that's blatantly meant to make me feel inadequate. As far as love goes, I do meet quite a few guys but for whatever reason I haven't met the right guy yet. Any men I do meet she is always so derogatory and nasty about them, calling them ugly etc. They are not ugly - and not wanting to be a b*tch but her boyfriend is not exactly an Adonis himself. But it is something she always goes on about in our group of friends, and this is her way of putting me down, yet I can't defend myself because I don't want to be thought of as being shallow and superficial.

I hate myself for saying this but it has really got me down. Every time we meet (which is at least once a week, mostly more) she makes some comment about me being single and unemployed, and I would be prepared to overlook a comment like that once as being just thoughtless, but now I know it's more than that and it really upsets me. The reason why she's making comments like this, I think, is because up until a couple of years ago I used to be slim, pretty and always getting more attention than her, but then because of family worries and slight depression I put on a lot of weight and she became a lot more friendly to me then. Now I am in a better place, losing the weight and looking better and the bitchy comments are starting to come thick and fast.

I don't know what to do. I can't distance myself from her as she's very controlling - throwing sulks if I spend time with other friends rather than her as just one example - and also I'm her bridesmaid so I have to keep involved. Also she has a lot of good and lovely qualities, but they are taking second place to her subtle little put-downs now.

Sorry for the essay. Basically the problem is, this girl is making me feel cr*p about myself to the point where I am starting to believe her. I hate to say it but I feel like my life is over - and I know it shouldn't be like this. Any advice gratefully received! Thanks!

LegacyUser

Frustrated girl! wrote: »

Hi guys,

I'm a long-time lurker of this forum and know there's really good advice given here. There's something I've been annoyed about for a long time and I thought I'd put it out here now - any advice or help you could give me would be much appreciated.

Basically, as the thread title goes, I'm 31, female and single, and the problem is that I'm really feeling that I'm being pitied by some of my friends, and one girl in particular. A bit of background on me: I've spent a long time in Uni (I stayed until I got my PhD) and now I find myself unemployed and looking for work. Now she is always making me feel like I've wasted all my time in college because i'm unemployed - and is not shy about making reference to it and to how much she is 'subsidising me' on the dole.

Another thing is that she's recently got engaged and I'm her bridesmaid. Now her boyfriend is far from perfect, she says herself that she only settled for him in the beginning and now she's only staying with him because she doesn't think she'll meet anyone else - but he's an okay guy and not the worst guy in the world. The thing that annoys me is that she's got so smug over it. Every time we meet up she talks about him, her job and her life in a way that's blatantly meant to make me feel inadequate. As far as love goes, I do meet quite a few guys but for whatever reason I haven't met the right guy yet. Any men I do meet she is always so derogatory and nasty about them, calling them ugly etc. They are not ugly - and not wanting to be a b*tch but her boyfriend is not exactly an Adonis himself. But it is something she always goes on about in our group of friends, and this is her way of putting me down, yet I can't defend myself because I don't want to be thought of as being shallow and superficial.

I hate myself for saying this but it has really got me down. Every time we meet (which is at least once a week, mostly more) she makes some comment about me being single and unemployed, and I would be prepared to overlook a comment like that once as being just thoughtless, but now I know it's more than that and it really upsets me. The reason why she's making comments like this, I think, is because up until a couple of years ago I used to be slim, pretty and always getting more attention than her, but then because of family worries and slight depression I put on a lot of weight and she became a lot more friendly to me then. Now I am in a better place, losing the weight and looking better and the bitchy comments are starting to come thick and fast.

I don't know what to do. I can't distance myself from her as she's very controlling - throwing sulks if I spend time with other friends rather than her as just one example - and also I'm her bridesmaid so I have to keep involved. Also she has a lot of good and lovely qualities, but they are taking second place to her subtle little put-downs now.

Sorry for the essay. Basically the problem is, this girl is making me feel cr*p about myself to the point where I am starting to believe her. I hate to say it but I feel like my life is over - and I know it shouldn't be like this. Any advice gratefully received! Thanks!

First of all fair play to you for doing a PHD, takes a lot of hard work, intelligence and determination. Secondly fair play to you for being comfortable enough in your own skin and thinking too much of yourself to just settle for a guy that's "ok". Thirdly well done for losing the weight and making the most of yourself. Can you see where i'm going with this? Your friend is JEALOUS !!!!!! I'm speaking from experience here when I say this she's a toxic b****h. The only way to deal with her is to cut her out of your life. She is not a friend. I was in such a similar situation. "Friends" (and i'm using that term loosely) so nice to me because i'd had a troubled past. Thing is I lost a lot of weight I was happy confident, pretty. Have a good job, nice car. My god they did everything in their power to bring me down and I ended up a bag of nerves because of it, but I bounced back. Don't wait until she destroys your confidence, get rid and screw being a bridesmaid. How sad that she is settling for someone that is ok, but its more than she deserves. Friendship is supposed to be about having a bond with someone and spending time with each other, doing stuff together. I agree you should be able to be open and honest with your friends and have the occassional rift but that's not the same as being nasty and running someone down constantly, that's not friendship.

I am a friend

Dump the cow!!! That's all she is... Why are you letting someone else control you? So what if you are single - it's better than settling and I would say that to her the next time she opens her mouth.

You just don't need people like that in your life. Tell her you don't want to be s bridesmaid and let her off. There are plenty of decent friends out there

Miss Fluff

She's your "frenemy" and a toxic bitch. Cut her out of your life. The beauty about being 31 and being a grown adult is that you don't HAVE to do anything. Life choices are your own choices and that includes the company you keep. You have made it perfectly clear from you post that this girl belittles you, is cruel to you, talks down to you and is controlling. If she was my only "friend" in the world I'd still dump her. Tell her you can't be her bridesmaid and cut her loose.

deisemum

She's jealous of you and what's more I wouldn't be surprised if she's not that happy with her own life especially if she's only settling for someone. Happy people do not treat people let alone their friends like that and it's often the case that someone that is very unhappy will look for the negative in others or even try to put them down just to make themselves feel better.

There's a report out this week that when someone loses weight a lot of women are very jealous of it and waste no time reminding them that they were fat and are secretly waiting for that person to put the weight back on.

If you do not want to fully sever contact with her then start spending more time with your other friends and limit contact with her. Let her sulk, she only sulks because it's been working to her advantage so far so don't enable that sort of carry on.

You've worked hard studying over the years so don't let her take away from you achievements and take time to enjoy yourself. Well done on your weight loss.

You cannot change toxic peoples behaviour but you can change how you react to it.

She's not your friend. Dump her and tell her you won't be her bridesmaid. It's not like you've entered into a legal contract to help her out.
You are an adult, you most certainly can distance yourself and you'll feel a hell of a lot better about it afterwards.

oh my god that is awful, for a start stop referring to her as a friend because with friends like that who needs enemys? someone one told me that the root of most problems is jealousy and it seems apparent here, you stayed in college and work hard to gain an education - its not your fault there are no jobs and you find yourself unemployed - and for her to insinuate that she "subsidies" you is terrible - i was unemployed last year and i'll tell you something, my friends were so supportive and encouraging, nobody made me feel bad about the situation i found myself in, your friend should cop herself on big time. She seems to think because employment is such a commodity right now that she can lord it over you, but you have a valuable asset of education behind you, so dont lose heart, things will pick up.

As for the whole bridesmaid thing - are you sure you want to continue in this role when you have these issues with her, you really should sit down and tell her exactly how you feel - i mean for a start getting married is a huge and very mature step - and this girl sounds very immature, she has even indicated that she is "settling" which is probably another reason to be jealous of you because you didn't - and why should you, life is far too short to settle for second best.

It comes down to this - people are either drains or radiators, the radiators reflect positive energy, make you feel good, radiate positivity. On the other had the drains, "drain" you of positive energy, they are negative in their thoughts and actions - you should not let yourself be influenced by these put downs and snide remarks.

That girl really needs to grow up and loose the massive chip on her shoulder - as i said, life is far too short, she is an emotional bully who wants to see you miserable to justify her own shortcomings.

ennis81

Theres only ever one reason someone behaves like this - JEALOUSLY plain and simple,
At the end of the day a real friend would never make you have feelings like this, lifes too short to spend time with toxic people
Take care

tbh

Frustrated girl! wrote: »

I can't distance myself from her as she's very controlling - throwing sulks if I spend time with other friends rather than her as just one example - and also I'm her bridesmaid so I have to keep involved. Also she has a lot of good and lovely qualities, but they are taking second place to her subtle little put-downs now.

you absolutely have to call her on this. Phone her up, tell her you're sick of her putting you down all the time, tell her you're not going to put up with it anymore, and tell her to find a new bridesmaid. You'll either never hear from her again, or she'll grovel and apologise. win:win.

Seriously, you have to do this. She's a bully. You simply cannot allow any of these comments to pass. If you're not prepared to go on the offensive, at least make sure you're defensive - when she makes the next remark, ask her straight out why she thinks it's ok to make a bitchy remark like that to someone who's supposed to be her friend. She'll probably be embarrassed and try to pass it off as a joke, but I promise you - once she knows you're not going to just sit there and take it, she'll stop.

deisemum

I wouldn't be surprised if you ditch her that it wont take you long to realise that you wished you'd done it earlier.

LegacyUser

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-448035/Why-woman-needs-fat-friend.html

Think this might be the article previous poster was talking about, it's sad but true !!!

Colonel_McCoy

stop wasting your time with that cow. cut contact

AnonoBoy

Frustrated girl! wrote: »

Now she is always making me feel like I've wasted all my time in college because i'm unemployed - and is not shy about making reference to it and to how much she is 'subsidising me' on the dole.

Is she giving you money?

If so you need to stop accepting it frp, jer and look elsewhere as she'll just hold this over you.

Seriously, distance yourself from her. Let her sulk. Let her find another bridesmaid. Tell her why you're doing it if you want, don't if you don't want to.

But get away from her for your own good.

Smiley G

you are obviously intelligent with your studies etc, but you must be weak as a person to keep a friend who makes you feel like crap!

Next time she calls to arrange a meet up simply tell her you have no interest in wasting you valuable time on such a shallow and inept human being...

... throw in a 'Feck Off' if you feel the need...:D

There are plenty of nice genuine people in the world to hang out with... go find them:)

ongarboy

sunflower27 wrote: »

I took subsidising to mean the friend paying tax.

I'm sure that is what OP meant too. A very snide and nasty comment for an employed "friend" to make to another "friend" desperately seeking work.

OP, remember, you cannot change her, you can only change yourself. This girl is toxic and uses passive aggressive behaviour to undermine you at every opportunity. Often, it will be subtle digs and comments that will be tailored that if you challenge them or openly take issue with them, she will twist it to make it look like you are the one with the problem.

You will never be happy in her company and she will try to erode what little self confidence and esteem you still have. Please be good to yourself and cut ties now. If you fear other friends in your circle will side with her over you, then you need to question whether they are "friends" as well. You come across as a good, kind, sincere, honest person. Such good people are usually very transparent and your other friends like you for those attributes. If they don't, there will be plenty of other or new friends that will be drawn to you for those qualities.

I suggest you write a long list of every derogatory, snide or negative comment she has ever made that you can still recall and list why each of those comments hurt you and send her the note/email with all these incidents explaining that for all those reasons, you can no longer count her as a friend as you have too much self respect for yourself. Explain that you cannot be her bridesmaid for these reasons. As another poster said, this will be a win/win situation for you as A - you never have to deal with her again or less likely, B, she will understand and apologise for all her past actions and perhaps you can forge a new friendship based on a completely different dynamic (although I suspect B will not happen as leopards rarely change their spots).

You are in your 30's and say your life is over because of this. This is obviously seriously affecting you so you have to take action...TODAY!! Good luck!

ppink

Have you ever told this friend that some of her comments hurt or bother you?

dellas1979

Yeah - have you ever said to her that her comments are not appropriate?

Also, if she is as callous as you say, you do realise that she will never change. You could become the Taoiseach and she will still have something negative to say.

See, its not you really, its what you stand for.

thefeatheredcat

I agree with all the posts here - cut her out of your life.

I've known two very horrible people like that (one in my early 20s and a current in-law) and it's awful, and both treated me in a similar fashion to how you're being treated... you're their own personal ego boost and a target to put down whenever they feel insecure and inadequate in their own selves. And it's unacceptable, bullying behaviour.

Frustrated girl! wrote: »

Basically the problem is, this girl is making me feel cr*p about myself to the point where I am starting to believe her.

^^ This is actually why you should cut her out of your life, what she is doing to you and what you are allowing to happen to you are having devastating effects and the longer you continue this "friendship", the worse you are going to feel in the long run. It's particularly worrying that you're beginning to believe her because you are so much better than that!

But I guarantee, as someone who nothing to do with that "friend" from my early 20s (who, in time, other friends saw the real her not long after) and rarely has much to do with that particular in-law, it is so worth it to get rid of people like that from your life to help yourself gain confidence and belief in yourself. People like that just plain aren't worth it to have in life and will eventually suck the life out of you.

Liberate yourself and find kinder people who will empathise with you, who will help you, who will raise your spirits up and compliment you rather than put you down unnecessarily. Life is too short to tolerate people like that as friends who only will make life a lot less fun and far more stressful for all the head games and doubts they plant in the mind.

And if you do decide to cut contact, then don't u-turn. Chances are they will never, ever apologise for their behaviour - in both cases for myself, I never got an apology from either one, even after I confronted my in-law on their bullying me and putting me down - of which my whole family is aware of as they also treated family members and their friends in similar fashion - so chances are you may have little contact with her from then on. You don't owe her anything, and don't ever feel like you do.

DonkeyStyle \o/

You should call her on it.
You've been given plenty of theories on the psychology behind it, why don't you ask her why she's acting out? Maybe help her get to the bottom of it.

LegacyUser

you have no reason to bad about yourself. Youve done very well in life, its not your fault you cant find a job, there is a recession on, alot of people are in the same boat as you through no fault of their own.

Like some people have already pointed out, she sounds like a very unhappy person and shes merely using you as her personal punch-bag, picking on you about the one thing she has over you, employment. Although she is lording it over you about being in a relationship it sounds like she has nothing to be happy about there, shes committing herself to a man for life that she only thinks is "ok", secure happy people dont do things like that. It sounds like shes making do in alot of areas of her own life and is jealous that you have persued your acedemic goals and are unwilling to settle for a mediocre relationship with someone you dont love. Well done to you for having principles! Your better than this bitter wench whose only trying to make herself less miserable by hurting someone else.

elbee

OP, you don't mention liking her at all, so if you can't think of any redeeming features this girl has, I say get rid of her but tell her why.

If you do like her, and do feel you'd like to keep her in your life (though from your post I don't know why you would!!), it may be worth calling her on it. If she does it in front of a lot of people, say 'You make a lot of comments like that about me, it's really rude.' And if she insists it's a joke, say 'I don't make jokes like that about you.' It might stop her. If it doesn't, then try a serious conversation, as in 'I don't want to be a bridesmaid - or a friend - to someone who insults me, so if you want to continue being friends, stop doing it.'

But I really wouldn't waste your time with that unless there are definite things you like about her. Otherwise just cut her loose. It'll be tough but worth it.

PS - Well done on the PhD and there is nothing wrong with being unemployed, it happens to the best of us!

Esoteric_

Not trying to be rude here, but you're 31. Grow up a little and stop taking this crap! I had a friend like that when I was 20. I ditched them faster than you can imagine. The only reason you're not ditching her yet is because of the fear of more drama and stress if you do. But you're choosing to have CONSTANT upset and drama as opposed to a week or two of slightly worse drama.

Just get rid of her, she's not your friend and so what if she's possessive? She can't force you to be around her, she can't force you to talk to her and she can't force you to be her friend.

LegacyUser

Get rid of her, life's too short to have anything to do with people like her - end of story. It might be easier said than done, but it'll be worth it and you'll feel so much better about yourself and stronger for it.

If you're worried about what any mutual friends might think, then OPENLY EXPLAIN TO THEM your list of reasons, which you've explained here, and I'm sure they'll understand (they probably have noticed her being a b***h towards you already anyway).

Go for it - help yourself and get rid of her!!!

ppink

Girlene wrote: »

The only way to deal with her is to cut her out of your life. .

I am a friend wrote: »

Dump the cow!!!

Miss Fluff wrote: »

She's your "frenemy" and a toxic bitch. Cut her out of your life. .

bluewolf wrote: »

Dump her QUOTE]

sunflower27 wrote: »

Cut her out of your life, tell her to stick her bridesmaid's dress up her *rse and enjoy the magnificent life she will have with the guy she settled for.

Yeuch!!!!

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

stop wasting your time with that cow. cut contact

Smiley G wrote: »

Next time she calls to arrange a meet up simply tell her you have no interest in wasting you valuable time on such a shallow and inept human being...

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I agree with all the posts here - cut her out of your life.

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Just get rid of her, she's not your friend and so what if she's possessive? /QUOTE]

Anon_also wrote: »

Get rid of her, life's too short to have anything to do with people like her - end of story.
Go for it - help yourself and get rid of her!!!

I am thinking about all the above saying the same thing mainly. Many of us often end up in situations where we put up with people that annoy or irriate us but then what do we do.......cut them out of our lives?? without any discussion or explanation or anything
Obviously OP was friends with this girl for a reason, now she has issues and instead of talking about it like an adult she is being advised to "cut her out". Could just well be that the friend got too comfortable and let her mouth run away with her.......a discussion would clear that up one way or another surely.

I am surprised at so many jumping to the cutting her out part without ever asking if there had been any conversation on it.

A friend of mine one day told me how she had thought another girl "a lesson" by giving her the cold shoulder after an incident. She did not tell the girl in question what she had done wrong or anything but just decided ot be cool to her. My response was not to even bother doing that with me if i ever upset her that it would be lost on me and I would far prefer to know what I had said so I could be sure not to do it again.

Most people do not deliberately go out to hurt others, especially if they are having them as a bridesmaid too.

Lola92

OP this person is not a friend. What kind of person purposely goes out of their way to belittle someone like that? You have obviously worked very hard to educate yourself well and it is by no mean your fault that the country is in the economic state that it is!

IMO, it is far better to be single than ever to settle for AND MARRY!!! someone you do not truly love! I have so much more respect for you than this so called friend.

You deserve to be treated better than this. Oh and tell her where to stuff her bridesmaids job!

LegacyUser

ppink wrote: »

bluewolf wrote: »

Dump her QUOTE]

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Just get rid of her, she's not your friend and so what if she's possessive? /QUOTE]




I am thinking about all the above saying the same thing mainly. Many of us often end up in situations where we put up with people that annoy or irriate us but then what do we do.......cut them out of our lives?? without any discussion or explanation or anything
Obviously OP was friends with this girl for a reason, now she has issues and instead of talking about it like an adult she is being advised to "cut her out". Could just well be that the friend got too comfortable and let her mouth run away with her.......a discussion would clear that up one way or another surely.

I am surprised at so many jumping to the cutting her out part without ever asking if there had been any conversation on it.

A friend of mine one day told me how she had thought another girl "a lesson" by giving her the cold shoulder after an incident. She did not tell the girl in question what she had done wrong or anything but just decided ot be cool to her. My response was not to even bother doing that with me if i ever upset her that it would be lost on me and I would far prefer to know what I had said so I could be sure not to do it again.

Most people do not deliberately go out to hurt others, especially if they are having them as a bridesmaid too.

I'm guessing your quiet young or have not encountered these toxic types of people. There is a hell of a lot of women (and men i'm sure) out there that are just bitches out of pure jealousy. I had it out with a woman very similar to the one the OP describes. She did not accept she did anything wrong has never apologised and continues her behaviour. Some people are just like this and you have to cut them out of your life. Getting too comfortable does not mean running people down constantly . .. huge difference.

ppink

Girlene wrote: »

ppink wrote: »

bluewolf wrote: »

Dump her QUOTE]












I'm guessing your quiet young or have not encountered these toxic types of people. There is a hell of a lot of women (and men i'm sure) out there that are just bitches out of pure jealousy. I had it out with a woman very similar to the one the OP describes. She did not accept she did anything wrong has never apologised and continues her behaviour. Some people are just like this and you have to cut them out of your life. Getting too comfortable does not mean running people down constantly . .. huge difference.

Thats all I'm talking about. you had it out with her, maybe I did not write that very well. There are oddballs out there, but are there really loads of them. I always thought most people did not deliberately go out to do another.

I'm confused who is saying what with the quoting, but I said tell her you won't be the bridesmaid. Obviously "why" would be included. I did not say cold shoulder or stop talking out of the blue - I would hate that carry on myself.
Just have it out with her, then leave her. OP does not owe her anything or to continue hanging around her

LegacyUser

Jesus Christ OP, how can you continue to hang out with somebody like that? Shes trying to bring you down and you're playing right along with her game. I dont mean to give out to you but you gotta be tough here and have a good honest talk with this person. You sound like a nice person and I think thats your problem, you're being too nice. You're actually rewarding her behaviour by continuing to see her. And you're going to be one of her bridesmaids???? C'mon that is ridiculous. Basically you care too much about what this person thinks of you. You gotta let that go, you gotta not care because as far as I can see the gloves are off already, she doesnt care what you think and shes taking pops at you left right and centre, all the while you havent even got your guard up!! I think part of you believes shes right, you think that because you choose to stay in college while she choose to work, that she really was supporting you or paying your way or whatever. Its bull****, she made her choice, she couldve gone and done a phd just like you but for whatever reason, she didnt. That was her call but it sounds like shes jealous and not happy about the choice she made, if she was she wouldnt be trying to bring you down.
Look the older I get the more I realise that you dont have to take crap from anybody in life. With people you dont know so well its a pretty straight forward thing to tell them to get lost if they're treating you poorly. You dont know them so its no loss to you if they take a hike. The percieved difficulty comes into play when you're dealing with friends and family who are treating you in a bad way. People feel like just because you're related to someone or because they're your "friend" that you should take crap off them. But its not true. You dont have to take crap off anybody. If your friend is acting inappropriately and making you feel bad then its time to brave. You gotta tell her exactly what shes doing thats upsetting you and ask her to please stop.
It'd be great if you could salvage the friendship but unfortunately she has as much right to say no she wont stop as you have to ask her to stop. If she refuses to stop what shes doing then you gotta cut her off, because she'll just continue to make your life a misery otherwise. Remember you dont have to take crap from anybody regadless of whether they're related to you or they're your so-called friend.

ppink

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm confused who is saying what with the quoting, but I said tell her you won't be the bridesmaid. Obviously "why" would be included. I did not say cold shoulder or stop talking out of the blue - I would hate that carry on myself.
Just have it out with her, then leave her. OP does not owe her anything or to continue hanging around her

That is really my point. We say cut her out and tell her why not....discuss it with her, tell her how you feel and see if she actually realises what she is doing. If she was friend enough to be a bridesmaid to then there surely must have been a friendship there at some stage.
Would you aska girl you hated or wanted to ruin to be your bridesmaid?

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree. I don't think anyone was advocating just disappearing and not explaining why.

Sorry I did not see where you said that.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't been able to reply in a while, I've been away and only just got to read your replies. Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice! I'm really amazed by some of the responses, it's a bit of an eye-opener to have it spelled out for me in black and white like that.

I can't believe I didn't see before, until reading your responses, that she is jealous. I have no idea why, but I know that before I put on the weight she regularly spoke to a few of the other girls and actually said she was jealous of me (she also said she was jealous of them too for different things, and acknowledged that she does get jealous very easily). So that explains a lot. I never remembered it until now, so thanks for bringing that to mind.

I just want to clarify a point made earlier, that never once in my life has she given me money. She meant that her paying taxes was subsidising me. And I agree that this is a horrible thing to say to someone looking for work. Like you're not feeling bad enough about it already. She knows I look every single day for work, have been applying etc. but unfortunately in my area there is not much work at the moment, it is very specialised. I'm applying for any job I can think of that I might be remotely qualified to do, and it's a bit nerve-wracking, so I really don't appreciate her little put-downs on this front.

As for cutting her out, it's not that simple. We are a big group of friends and everyone, I mean EVERYONE, knows what she's like, and all of us have had a run in with her at some stage. It just seems to be me that she's stuck on this past while. Everyone else tells me to pass no remarks, but they're not there when she makes the majority of her little subtle digs, and, as a previous poster said, they're phrased in such a way that if I repeated them back to anyone it would be hard to say why they were so offensive. But they ARE offensive. I know what she's doing.

So thank you all for reading and for your brilliant input. I will have to confront her on this. I think the next time we meet and she says something, instead of just taking it, I'll actually ask her why she's saying that. See if I can get somewhere with that. We've been friends for 20 years, I don't want to throw that away. But I don't want to keep being belittled either.

Thank you all so much for making this much clearer to me. Really appreciated!

LegacyUser

ppink wrote: »

Girlene wrote: »

ppink wrote: »

Thats all I'm talking about. you had it out with her, maybe I did not write that very well. There are oddballs out there, but are there really loads of them. I always thought most people did not deliberately go out to do another.

I had it out with her and got more insults thrown at me. Yes there really are loads of them. Bitchy insecure girls who will try their best to ruin things for anyone who is more successful, pretty or whatever. A lot of people go out of their way and beyond to cause **** for others. If you've never had trouble with anyone like this, you've been lucky i'd say.

shinikins

Hey OP, I'd agree with everyone else, she's jealous and insecure, and running you down and making you feel bad is her way of making herself feel better.

If it were me in your shoes, and having had experience of this type of person, I would wait until she drops the next clanger. I'm sure that will be in front of friends, as this they always seem to love the reaction they get from being obnoxious. When she says what she has to say, reply with "Wow, X, I don't know why you think thats an appropriate thing to say to a friend" and turn away from her. I'm sure she'll try and tell you to lighten up, that it was a joke, and that your taking things too literally. Thats the best time to tell her that you've been more than patient with her and her "jokes" and now is the time to stop.

If you stay calm, you'll wrong-foot her, if she starts to argue over it, at least you will know that you were the one who dealt with things in a mature way. At best you will have all your cards on the table,and at worst you'll lose a bad friend. I know you say you've been friends for most of your life, but sometimes you have to let friendships go because they are sucking energy from you.

tinkerbell

OP, she's not your friend. And saying you don't wanna throw away a 20 year friendship because of this is mad. She's a nasty piece of work. It doesn't matter if you're friends for 20 minutes or 20 years, friendships can be destroyed in a matter of minutes. I would not be friends with someone if they spoke to me like that.

LegacyUser

Just read through this thread and was prompted while reading to reply and warn you that I've been in this position and the 'talking it out' as advised (seems like fair and reasonable advice!) doesn't necessarily work. I guess it doesn't work because you're not dealing with a fair and reasonable individual. As it seems you've just found out fomr your last reply. Unfortunately, you're dealing with a deeply insecure, jealous, vindictive and destructive individual...who must be very unhappy deep down inside to be so driven to make others feel like sh*t as well.

I tried confronting/talking it out with the so-called 'friend' I had in my life - it made things 1,000,000 times worse. I couldn't cut the person out as similarly to you there's a wider social circle there etc. I was met with flat out denial that they'd done anything in the wrong (not personal responsibility or admission of fault OR apologies of course). They then proceeded to tell anyone willing to listen that I was deluded/paranoid/a liar....this all happened about a year ago and to be honest I'm still rebuilding my confidence etc after it.
Unfortunately, in my experience, usually everyone in the social circle does know what people like this are like...but yet they remain friends! Maybe they're grateful they're not on the receiving end and don't want to attract attention to themselves!!

Some people never grow out of being schoolyard bullies. Listening to Positivley 4th St by Bob Dylan can be cathartic!
Best of luck with it, make a decision to get your guard up and deflect the nastiness this woman tries to throw at you and rise above it. Be satisfied you're not such an unhappy unpleasant person.
Be glad you can choose how for long and how often you have to see her - she's stuck with herself 24/7!

Flashgordon197

Be her bridesmaid and then have a serious chat. If she responds positively then great but if not avoid being with her on your own. You could of course just nod your head and smile bemusedly because if there is one thing a bully cant abide its not being taken seriously . If she makes digs about you being on the dole-play it up by stating you are looking into getting more money.
As a teacher people used to slag me about holidays being a burden to tax payer-defending myself just made it worse. I just threw it back-so if they said " Off again are you?" I would say " Yeah and I have more weeks later on to look forward to " They stopped as it was no longer any fun for them. She gets something from behaving this way towards you-deny her it. Try meditation as an aid or just simply pull a finger when she try s to rise you. It will distract you and when you dont take the bait watch her suffer.

LegacyUser

From similar experiences I've learned not to say anything or confront such a person they generally seem to be really good at twisting it all and making you look like you are the one with the problem, actions speak louder than words, try to cut back on how often you meet up, and gradually build some distance from her, she'll get the message, you are handing over your own personal power to her, she's an energy vampire, she'll keep on taking from you as long as you allow it.