Young sister being bullied at school

ldxo15wus6fpgm

Hi all. Have a long and complicated one for you
My little sister is 10 in about a month. I myself was bullied in school for a while but, being a male, I tended to sort it out with my fists and I'm obviously not going to tell my sister to get violent.
I know well that nobody's perfect, I'm not here claiming my sister is a little angel or anything, I know she can be an absolute demon at times. But with her friends she's very gentle and kind, and even though this is hardly the most severe case of bullying, it's had a big impact on her.

This may get confusing but I'm not going to use names.

My little sister had two best friends up until around easter. One of them was to stay over the saturday before easter and she was to go home then on sunday morning. This friend doesn't know her father well and lives with her mother, her grandmother and her aunt (also a single mum to a young baby). She and my sister have been friends for years with very little trouble ever coming between them.

The mother rang on the sunday morning asking could she leave her there for another night as she wanted to go out on the sunday night. Leaving her daughter at a friend's house (90% of the time our place) so she can go out etc. is a fairly common occurrence with this woman, she's quite young herself. Which is fair enough, she's got to have a life and the child is usually fairly content with the company. However, as it was easter the child got very upset about not seeing her mother and didn't want to stay. As a consequence she spent most of sunday night bawling her eyes out, with my mother and sister trying to console her. The mother came over on monday to pick her up and the daughter asked if my sister could stay at their place for the night. My sister really didn't want to go, she doesn't really like going to this particular friend's house anyway and she thought the friend would carry on being upset and moody so she begged and pleaded with my mother to not make her go.

My mom went down to the friend and her mother and told them my sister didn't want to go. The friend got quite vicious and started verbally attacking my sister (who wasn't in the room) saying she was always cheating in games and she was bossy and all this. I took it to be a reaction to rejection from a troubled and moody child and didn't think much of it. The mother scolded her and they left.

About a week later this girl's mother rang our house and said the girl didn't want to be my sister's friend any more. Very, very strange behaviour in my opinion, from both the mother and daughter. I have a theory that it's because the child doesn't want to be ditched in our house for days at a time any more, and so to avoid this happening she's simply refusing to be friends with my sister. Anyway...

Since then this girl has been ignoring my sister and telling all of my sister's friends in school that my sis has been saying mean stuff about them behind their backs etc. This girl has begun to hang around with another girl who, my sister tells me, has done this sort of thing before and has hit/pinched any girls who confront her about it or ask their friends what she has been saying. My sister is quite afraid of a physical retaliation if she asks the ex-friend what is wrong with her and why she is being so mean. The girl is also coming up during lunch time and taking away anyone my sister is playing with so my sister is constantly being left alone in the playground. I have told my sister to say to her other best friend not to leave her alone again, but knowing how fickle children are I don't expect it to work. She is very upset and broke down sobbing tonight saying she didn't want to go to school because of all this.

She has tried telling the teachers but because there are a gang of four girls who are orchestrating all of this, it's 4 against 1 and the teachers, especially one, who is the one on lunchtime duty most of the time, won't believe my sister. My mother has already gone down to the school and told her class teacher the entire story but so far nothing has changed and it has been maybe 3 weeks since that.

I would tell my sister to simply find another group of friends but it is a very small country school and there are very few in her class, all of whom have been informed by these 4 girls that my sister is mean and whatever.
I would also expect it all to blow over after a week or two but this has been going on for more than 5 weeks now and it doesn't look like it's going to finish up any time soon.

My mom has tried talking to both the child (completely blanked her - shocking as we were very good to her) and the mother (who doesn't give a flying f*ck - the child has found a new best friend whose house she can be left at, so she doesn't care) to no avail.

I am going to go up to the school tomorrow with my mother and talk to the headteacher about it. For some reason my sister seems very ashamed about it all and wouldn't tell my mother half of what she told me. I made sure to hammer home that it was a good thing that she has told me this and she needs to talk to mam and the headteacher. As I said I've told my sister to make sure her other best friend sticks with her tomorrow, I've told her to go and try and tell all her other friends and her teachers exactly what's happening though I'm not sure she will.

Anyone got any advice on this? Anything else we could try? Any theories on what could have triggered this reaction from this girl? Maybe if we know what has caused all of this (I doubt it is actually because my sister has been mean to her etc. as I said she's no angel but they got on really well and then all of a sudden this came out of nowhere) the problem can be solved.

Thanks for reading

common sense brigade

God bullies are just the worst. Your poor little sister. You cannot reason with a bully. My advice and prob will get frowned upon for being intolerant and mean. Is to throw a big party in your house or at a kids club or cinema etc. and invite every other child in the class except for the little witch who started this.Make it the coolest kids party ever and let the Bully suffer by being made a social outcast. chances are when she sees everyone excited about going she will come crawling back. Personally I would never let her anywhere near my child again even if she did.

ennis81

Grrr I hate bullies too, Go to the school with your mother and if no satisfaction is achieved go to the mother of this girls house and have a word with her.

Taltos

Be careful here OP - many times the bullying gets alot worse after an intervention like this. And the victim is normally so terrified at this point that they will stay quiet to prevent it getting in their perception even worse again...

Not sure if speaking to the mother will help - but if you get no satisfaction from the school then go to the board and even go so far as to threaten kicking up a stink in the local papers around them tacitly permitting and even encouraging bullying to be the norm.

After all the stories last year from the states - this threat of bad publicity might just encourage them to wake up to their responsiblity here...

LadyMayBelle

I cannot offer you much in the line of advice for this particular situation OP, but I can tell you one thing for sure; protect your little sister at all costs.

My little sister was bullied aged 9/10 and it caused her HELL, and she covered it all up the best she could, while the girls who were bullying her were at it constantly in the playground (where most of the bullying occurs; where no one can see it). My parents went in and out to the teachers and headmaster beggigng and pleading for them to do something and nothing was done; her own teacher was lovely but he said he didn't know how to deal with the way girls bully (he was newly qualified and so nice, but shocking how he didn't know what to do).

Eventually we had her see someone, who said that her trauma was incredibly severe for a child her age; we were all devastated as we had no idea as to the extent of the bullying; I myself I come from a background of minor bullying, but very much 'got on with it', possibly a lot to do with my generation and attitudes to bullying. She chose to leave the school and has never, ever been happier in her little life.

Mind your sister, talk to her, and get creative with her and allow her to express the things happeniing, even if there are no words, there are often colours, shapes..empathise with her, as however tough it is for you and your Mum, it's bloody awful for her and her little 10 year old brain cannot rationalise things the way an adult's brain can right now.

Go to the school till you are blue in the face and something has to be done . Not very practical I know, but my heart went out to ye when I saw she's only ten and not needing the hassle adults are putting her through (by which I mean this other girls mother and teachers, not your own)

car.kar

I sympathise, OP, I was bullied also at that age, although not nearly as badly as that and fortunately the girl's mother was shocked at her daughter's behaviour and had a word with her.

That age is a particularly bad one for bullying, and unfortunately kids will take sides. The only advice I can offer is to sit the mother down and have a srious talk with her about just what this is doing to your sister, although by the sounds of it, she doesn't seem to care much. Certainly make it very clear to the principal exactly what your sister has told you and that you won't stand for it.

Ann22

A workmate of mine has an 11yr old who was having very similar problems up 'til recently. Her 'best friend' out of the blue turned against her and started to turn others against her. This was after she had sleepovers in my friend's house and had been taken everywhere with my friend's family like horse riding and the cinema etc. I don't know if jealousy triggered it off. My friend's little one was in an awful state, coming home from school in tears every day. My friend went in to the teacher to no avail then as suddenly as it had started they all started acting as if nothing had happened and they're all mates again.

My little niece's friend dropped her too a few weeks ago but she soon fell out with the girls she had went off with and came crawling back to my niece. Girls can be total b*tches op...I was bullied for years by one girl. It was a nightmare... Your little sister is very lucky to have such a caring brother. I hope it works out for her..the poor wee mite. Keep us informed as to how things go.

Daisy M

Hi op this is a terrible situation to be in and unfortunatly it is a very common one. The school should have a policy on how they deal with bullying you should ask to see this, they should have a written copy ask them to highlight how exactly they have followed the procedures that they have set out for themselves.
Get your mother to try and get your sister involved in after school activities where she will make new friends anything in the gaa is great for this, when she starts secondary school it will stand to her to have other friends. Also even though its a while off, bear in mind when she starts secondary school if the other girl chooses the same school, you should let the principal know of the problem and request that they dont end up in the same class.
It may be an idea to post in the primary and preschool section as teachers along with parents post there and they may have more ideas on how to help your sister. Best of luck hope it gets sorted asap.

LegacyUser

That is terrible, OP. I have a little brother who was also bullied, and it's awful for the child, but also makes the grown ups feel so powerless.

Maybe ask the teachers to mediate between you and the other mother? Go to the school, and ask them to call her in and talk to her. Maybe she'll pay more attention when its coming from the school.

Clearly this child has a bit of an unstable home environment, so I could understand her trying to get attention by doing this, both from her mam and her other classmates. You could try getting your sister to talk to her with adults around (yourself, or your mother). Maybe just show up at her house?

Other than that, I agree with the other poster who said that...while you might not be able to help your sister at school as much as you would like to, you can at least help her feel safe at home and are proving to be someone she can count on. So keep it up, and good luck to you.

LegacyUser

I will also add to the above that unfortunately they are just coming into the age where girls tend to really start into bullying behaviour like that. Some girls just won't have it in them to behave like that, but some do. I'm a girl myself and I remember that kind of thing happening in 4th/5th/6th class in school - all instigated by one girl in particular who had a problem with me and a few others (it varied according to the day of the week). There was a lot of ignoring each other and taking sides and ganging up on each other going on. Eventually the teacher took all the girls in the class together in a group one afternoon and talked to us for about 2 hours about it....I can't remember the details of what she said but she basically told us to cop on to ourselves and that she'd be watching, among other things. Then again, that was the late 80s and early 90s and things were dealt with differently then.

Things quietened down a lot after that for me. In your case, the girl in question is probably being fed a load of crap by her relatives too. You're doing the right thing for now anyway...but I'd try to avoid it being made known to the entire school that you're intervening, as it could make things harder for your sister. But fair play to you.

Little Acorn

You could ask your mum to speak with the parents of the other children involved.
Obviously the bully's mother doesn't give a fcuk about her daughter's behavior, but I suspect the other parents would be horrified if they discovered that their children were part of this excluding behavior.
If they each had a good talk with their daughters about why this behavior is unacceptable, and as Common sense brigade suggested ,maybe the other parents, and your mum could arrange something small like a sleepover for your sister and 2 or 3 other kids, and during this your sister could get a chance to explain her situation to the other girls.
This conversation could be supervised by one or 2 of the other girl's parents,[and maybe your mum too] so that they could make sure your little sister gets a chance to talk, and to make sure their kids listen.

I would guess that the other little girls go along with the bully simply because they are afraid of her like your sister is too.
None of them will want to be the only one to stand up to her, so that is why if all the other parents spoke to their daughters and explained why what they are doing is wrong and how hurtful it is, that they would then realise that there is a group of them and only one bully, and that they do have the power to stop this behavior if they just stick together as a group.

Tempting as it is, I'm not saying that the parents should tell their kids to just suddenly start excluding the bully, but they can give them the strength to put a stop to this behavior, by giving them some tactics of what to do when the bully tries to get them to exclude your sister.
It could just be as simple as saying "no, we are not going to do that, it is mean, we are going to stay playing with

---

"
Once they are safe in the knowledge that they have more power as a group trying to do the right thing, they should be less afraid to speak up.

The bully will just have to start being nicer to your sister again once she realizes that the rest aren't going to take her side.

If it continues, I would also suggest that your mum does not need to go alone confronting the bully's mother. If you have a talk with the other parents, they could accompany your mother to make it quite clear that they don't want their children involved in or having any part of this type of bullying.
A group of parents might make the mother actually talk to her daughter to try and fix her daughter's ringleader type of behaviour.
You could also try this with the school.
The other parents could make it known that they are not happy having their children in a school that permits bullying incase it ever happens one of their own.
Many parent's voices are louder than one.

up for anything

John Happy Rash wrote: »

My sister really didn't want to go, she doesn't really like going to this particular friend's house anyway and she thought the friend would carry on being upset and moody so she begged and pleaded with my mother to not make her go.

My mom went down to the friend and her mother and told them my sister didn't want to go. The friend got quite vicious and started verbally attacking my sister

John Happy Rash wrote: »

Any theories on what could have triggered this reaction from this girl?

It's fairly obvious to see what triggered it, to my mind. In your mother's place I would have made up some other excuse. For a child that age to be told that someone doesn't want to stay with them is pretty much a slap in the face and they aren't going to react nicely and calmly. In future, if a situation like this comes up again tell a white lie, a black lie or the biggest lie in the world on behalf of your sister - even when she is 16 - girls can be the biggest bitches in the world especially if they feel slighted.

One thing I learned through making many such mistakes is to make firm rules about sleepovers and not to change them for love or money. The main one at that age is to keep sleepovers strictly to one night and let the adult make it known to the friends if there is ever a question of it happening. There is something about having two night sleepovers that can change the dynamics of a friendship for the worse. I don't think they are mature enough to be able to handle such 'closeness' for too long.