just found out he cheated

LegacyUser

hey all, just found out my BF cheated on me but the problem is it was over year and a half ago, and before i got pregnant and had our first baby (whos now 4 months old). i don't know what to do!
The summer before i got pregnant we weren't living together and went on seperate holidays with our friends. he went to france, i went to spain. he left emails open on our laptop last week and there were a few to a girl (call her *jane*) - she worked in the hotel where he was staying. the following summer i was pregnant he decided to bring me on holidays with him to the same hotel....
so anyway, he emailed her just before we left saying word for word: "my girlfriend is coming with me this year, she's pregnant so we'll probably get married sometime so we better not tell her what happened between us last year cos she'll cause war... i hope that you know what i mean haha".... and then other chitchat...
i confronted him straight away but he had a few drinks taken and pretended he hadn't a clue what i was talking about... then the next morning his stories went from "i don't know who she is i didn't write it..." after he sobered up it was "oh that was nothing, just a joke, nothing happened"... then he got mad: "i'm not telling you anything cos you looked at my emails"... then "it was a small romance but nothing physical happened"....
Now, will someone please tell me i'm not over-reacting? his lies and denial is driving me more mad than the actual deed itself...
but now we have a baby together, we're engaged and going to go for a mortgage and i don't know what to do, he's a brill father and i did think i was happy for a while but he refuses to sit down and talk about any of this or his feelings or our relationship... i kind of feel like he only proposed because i got pregnant.... also he cheated on me at the very start of our relationship and i took him back.
what would you do???

Belladance

I'm very sorry your in this mess.. its not good. It sounds to me like he is ashamed of what he did and so therefore does not want to sit down and talk about it. A once off drunken fling on holidays can, in some circumstances, be forgiven and forgotten but what would really pi55 me off is that he is still in contact with her, and the slyness of him mailing her asking her to keep quiet when you arrived with him for your holidays a year later. Like, how could he make an absolute fool of you like that? This is what I would be fuming over...

spinandscribble

So its the second time he's cheated on you? You need to decide can you accept a relationship where he cheats on you because it doesn't look like he's changed his spots. If he's truly a brill dad he'll still be a brill dad, with you or not.

he eventually brushed it off as a "small romance with no sex" (which i don't believe it was for a second), can you live with it that he thinks you should accept that? How many more "romances" does he think he can have? how many times will he cheat on you before you decide its not good enough?

Miss Fluff

When I first started reading I thought the same. In some exceptional circumstances a drunken holiday shag could be forgiven but what I'd find hurtful is the fact that he is still in touch with her and downright nasty to decide to bring you to the same hotel :eek: What is his dealio there??

spinandscribble

Miss Fluff wrote: »

When I first started reading I thought the same. In some exceptional circumstances a drunken holiday shag could be forgiven but what I'd find hurtful is the fact that he is still in touch with her and downright nasty to decide to bring you to the same hotel :eek: What is his dealio there??

thats the bit that just seems too crazy. either he was hoping for a little something extra on the trip (so kept in touch just incase) or liked the idea of danger seeing the wife, maybe see the past conquest. Or maybe he's just boring and wanted to go to the same place again All of this is purely speculation of course!

It certainly doesn't sound like a drunken mistake!

Fentdog84

No you are not overreacting. He's been caught cheating red handed and he hasnt even got the decency to tell the full truth or accept responsibility. Why the heck is he still in contact with this woman. Not jumping to conclusions but if he brought you to the same hotel it could be so he could get it on with this woman whilst you werent looking.

For the sake of the kid, I think you should try and give it one more shot. Tell him you want complete honesty from now on(yes you should even demand access to his email, temporarily) and you want to know about everything that happened with this woman and to cut contact with her completely no chit chats. This guy has a lot of work to do to prove to you he's worth keeping on. Take control here, postpone all weddings/engagements until you have these issues resolved. Be demanding and dont accept any backchat or excuses. Keep reminding that he's hanging on by his fingernails. If he dosent like it show him the door

Wompa1

Hold on...it's ok to cheat on your girlfriend if you are out of the country?...since when... A holiday shag is not ok if you are in a relationship with somebody. It's a cowardly thing to do.

WhatWillBee

My heart goes out to you OP.

Since your OH won't talk to you about this you really only have two choices, put up with it or leave.

Initially, I was going to say, to forget about it, it was a while ago and you have so much more happening now, but his behaviour is atrocious! These are not the actions of a man that regrets or feels the weight of what he did. And thats the real issue.

No one can tell you what to do, but I would ask you to consider your child in this. If you have a boy ask yourself if you would be proud of him if he treated his wife that way and if you have a girl , what would you want her to do in your shoes? You are a role model now and your children will look to you for their values.

Plus, if he cheats again, how could you possible give out then? You wouldnt have a leg to stand on after staying when he cheated twice already. So just do what you can live with, thats all anyone can ask of you. And try to remember, this too shall pass ;D

MagicMarker

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

OP, you know what you have to do here.

common sense brigade

Your at a crossroads now. One road will lead to a life of distrust and low self esteem but its the easier option to stay . The other is more difficult and involves a hard struggle raising a child alone, but in long run you will have your self esteem intact and will move on.
Personally once could be forgiven if he was sorry. But your man is not even sorry he is insulting you by acting like your in the wrong for reading emails.

I think you should pack his bag and move him out. tell him he can have as much access to his child as he likes. either that or you move home to parents, tell him until he admits what he did and is sorry about it that you and him have nothing to talk about. Give him back his engagement ring of deciet.

after a few weeks believe me the man will crawl back, then it will be up to you if you forgive him or if you dont.

Men are ten a penny hun. you will meet good ones and bad ones. if he treats you like this he is unlikely to change esp if you dont give him his marching orders now. he will think he can cheat again and again if you let him away with it now.

its great that he is a good father. but part of being a good father is looking after the childs mother too. keeping the family unit happy and secure. and he sure aint doing that.....

I am a friend

You poor pet....

Yep he cheated on you twice. If you let him away with it again there is no reason for him to remain faithful ... It's a tough call but I would walk

Taltos

Just because you have a child and he is a brill dad does not mean that you have to marry.
Hate to say it but he does not sound like a brill partner - and I think that you will be wasting your life by staying with him.

Just because you are not together does not mean he cannot still be a great dad. But come on - re-read what you wrote - do you really want to commit your life to someone who clearly has no consideration or respect for you?

ennis81

I have to agree with the rest of the posters, I would walk, also agree with the comment about him still being in contact with this girl and taking you to the same hotel, that is very out of order and shows a complete lack of respect for you,
I know its tough hun, but you'll be driven mad not being able to trust him if you let this slide

LegacyUser

hi all thanks for your replies. a drunken holiday one night stand would have been easier to forgive than this... but the fact he called it a "romance" is really getting to me. i also remember he told me there was something wrong with his phone and he couldn't accept calls while he was over there so he could only talk thru text. Another big red flag i should've seen straight away. (love really is blind, or I am!!)
he had also told me when he came home that there was a girl on reception who was really nice to him and his friend and told them all the nice places to go and stuff....The girl wasn't working there when he brought me over, it was a small hotel, majority of staff were male or elderly women.
Its all clicked together now i feel really stupid, i guess i just wanted to believe i could trust him completely.
im confronting him again this evening but to be honest i don't know what i want to happen! if he does admit he slept with her it'll break my heart all over again...

I am a friend

It doesn't appear that he will tell you the truth tbh.... Just realised that your post title was 'just found out he cheated' but that's not the case, you sadly just found out that he cheated AGAIN...

Do you want to spend your life looking over your shoulder... I hope not. Best of luck.

greengiant09

obviously your in a ****ty position but you must aknowledge the truth....this guy is a cheat. he probably has cheated numerous times you don't know about and will continue to do so.....