How to Stop Being One of the Guys

LegacyUser

i'm a mid twenties woman who has been chronically single for as long I can remember. I have the odd fling here and there & one short term relationship under my belt.

I have been trying to overcome my confidence & self esteem issues that crippled me through my teenage years & have really begun to see a change in myself....however, the one constant in my life is that I'm always the single one out of my group of friends. I spoke to my good friend about this recently & she told me that "guys love me, they flock towards me etc, etc", which was really nice to hear, but it's only ever as a friend/ one of the guys.

I'm never the one that is fancied by anyone (or at least, that I know of), I'm never pursued, male friends always have crushes on the other girls & are pretty vocal about it. Guys I meet always end up chasing my friends. It's so frustrating and disheartening, to be honest.

I think the crux of the issue is that I am too much like one of the guys. I'm told I'm the life & soul of the party, that I can give anyone a run for their money etc. (not trying to be big headed or anything). I can be a total flirt when I want (as I'm told). I dress quite femininely & I'm girly in many ways but I think I've taken on this joker persona when I'm out or with a big group of friends (not just the girls). I've been told in the past by close male friends that I can be quite intimidating because I'm quick witted & come across as very confident, which I realise is my way of covering up my vulnerable side.

I think maybe the fact that I've never felt very attractive or had much confidence in my body/looks is a key factor here. I never expect guys to fancy me so I don't really try to get them too- I want to meet someone who likes me for who I am. In the two times that anyone has ever sought me out & told me they liked me, i felt like it came out of the blue- I just couldn't see the signs. I am open & honest about myself to a fault- I think I need to quieten down a little bit & become more reserved.

My confidence is improving & I can see a huge change in myself but I am not sure how to shake off this joker persona/ being one of the guys thing without feeling fake about. I would like to meet someone (not necesarily right now but definitely in the future) and feel like I am shooting myself in the foot at the moment.

I would love to hear some advice, especially from a male perspective.
Thanks!

MitchKoobski

Personally, girls like yourself who are quick witted and outgoing with the lads would be my type. Don't see anything wrong with it. The more girls like yourself the better, and the opposite should also be true. Too many girls in my group of friends just go mute when hanging out with the lads, or just huddle to themselves in one corner. Absolutely nothing wrong with being one of the lads.

I wouldn't wait and see if one of the guys or current male friends turns to you to see what happens. Look outside the group of friends. The reason they're so vocal about it is because they see you as one of the guys! They can rely on you for advice from a female perspective, because you'll tell 'em how it is like one of the guys.

All I'd suggest at first is to try a night out without hanging out with the guys, see how it goes. Might sound stupid but if a guy sees 4 or 5 guys hanging around chatting to one girl, they'd probabaly think she was taken or feel intimidated interrupting the great time she's having with the guys.

calex71

oneofthedudes wrote: »

In the two times that anyone has ever sought me out & told me they liked me,

Works both ways, I know fear of rejection and confidence can be issues but guys can be shy / out right idiots when it comes to making feelings known too you know (speaking as one of those idiots) sometimes you have to make a move OP .

LegacyUser

Wow did you follow me and right this about me! I have always had way more guy friends cause of FCA and then my college course was mosly guys to. So the female friends I do have always ask me how guys think etc but I can never tell if a guy likes me! Maybe we should take the guy approach and approach guys we like instead of waitin for them

gypsy_rose

Op dont change yourself! Men love to have a woman they can just have the craic with and actually talk to. U remind me a lot of myself. Id recommend that maybe u make yourself just a little bit more receptive, a bit more flirty with the guys u like. Just a bit of eyecontact and close proximity can do wonders. Dont change yourself much and dont worry,trust me theres a guy out there looking for a strong fiesty woman like you that can give him a run for his money

racso1975

It sound to me your "life and soul of the party" outter appearence is compensating for your internal lack of confidence. This outter appearence of massive self esteem could be just frightening the lads away.

But as the poster above said dont change it. If you pretend to be something different you are just going to be lying to yourself and any potential partners. As gypsy rose said a little flirting goes a long way.

Stay the life and soul of parties and i'm hopefully you meet mr right