Speak to father or forget

LegacyUser

Guys,

This could be a long one so I appreciate people taking the time to read. I'm mid 20's f. Basically haven't spoken to my father in about 8 years. He abused a young girl. When I first found out my initial reaction was obviously a bit upset then this turned to anger and I thought "If he died sure I wouldn't care less". This then turned to what a counsellor described as "carrying his guilt". I tortured myself for a couple of years thinking I was like him, because of some experimentation I had done when I was younger, my counsellor assured me this was nonsense. I developed quite an OCD like pattern of behaviour over this where I had to keep reminding myself in my head that this behaviour is wrong and that if I didn't that somehow i'd forget it was or something. I ended up putting myself in hospital over this. Anyways the last year or so i've started to feel a kind of sadness around this, and if i've a few drinks a certain music artist my father liked (sounds silly I know) and a song he used to sing if I hear it played I end up in tears. I'm starting to think maybe I need to meet my father and speak to him. I am also wondering what if he did die tomorrow what would I do, how would I feel? I've always prided myself on being a strong person so i'm not sure why this is still plaguing me. Speaking to a family member about this isn't really an option by the way.

Miss Fluff

Maybe meeting him could be cathartic and would go somewhere towards your healing. Are you still seeing your counsellor? Perhaps you should discuss this prospect with them at greater length so that if you do decide to go and meet your father they could help prepare you mentally for the visit? You have evidently really been through it so rather than maybe face this on your own you should really explore what you want to achieve by meeting up and then prepare accordingly....

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Maybe meeting him could be cathartic and would go somewhere towards your healing. Are you still seeing your counsellor? Perhaps you should discuss this prospect with them at greater length so that if you do decide to go and meet your father they could help prepare you mentally for the visit? You have evidently really been through it so rather than maybe face this on your own you should really explore what you want to achieve by meeting up and then prepare accordingly....

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm not still seeing counsellor, but I know she would be more than willing to meet with me a few times to explore this further. I am half afraid to meet up with him don't know what to expect or what I want to ask him. I fear I may just freak out completely. I don't think my family would understand me wanting to meet with him or even if i'm 100% convinced it's a good idea myself.

LegacyUser

I can sort of understand where you are coming from. My uncle behaved inappropriately towards me and some of my cousins when we were kids. He's dead now but I can still remember how conflicted I felt. Naturally, I was disgusted and angry at what he did and only dealt with him when I had to. What confused me at the time were my feelings of pity for him because he had other problems in his life. I came to realise that while I hated the pervert part of his personality, I could also see the human being who struggled at times. The one who could be helpful and good natured and generous.

Most humans aren't cartoon baddies without a redeeming feature. I assume that you grew up loving your father. That he was someone you admired, someone you trusted, someone you learned so much from. Someone you shared experiences with. What your father did can't just wipe out those memories. He's the man who helped raise you and was an integral part of your life. When he abused that kid and you broke off contact, you were bereaved in a way.

Perhaps talking to him might give you closure. Not talking to him hasn't helped. I do think chatting to a counsellor'd be the way to go though. Just in case I'm giving you bad advice. For what it's worth, I didn't see my uncle for several years before he died. I don't exactly go around regretting that I didn't visit him but there is a part of me that thinks I should have.

LegacyUser

0051tuesday wrote: »

I can sort of understand where you are coming from. My uncle behaved inappropriately towards me and some of my cousins when we were kids. He's dead now but I can still remember how conflicted I felt. Naturally, I was disgusted and angry at what he did and only dealt with him when I had to. What confused me at the time were my feelings of pity for him because he had other problems in his life. I came to realise that while I hated the pervert part of his personality, I could also see the human being who struggled at times. The one who could be helpful and good natured and generous.

Most humans aren't cartoon baddies without a redeeming feature. I assume that you grew up loving your father. That he was someone you admired, someone you trusted, someone you learned so much from. Someone you shared experiences with. What your father did can't just wipe out those memories. He's the man who helped raise you and was an integral part of your life. When he abused that kid and you broke off contact, you were bereaved in a way.
Perhaps talking to him might give you closure. Not talking to him hasn't helped. I do think chatting to a counsellor'd be the way to go though. Just in case I'm giving you bad advice. For what it's worth, I didn't see my uncle for several years before he died. I don't exactly go around regretting that I didn't visit him but there is a part of me that thinks I should have.

That's not necessarily true while he did have good points and i've some good memories he has a history violence, alcohol abuse and making false promises. He could be downright twisted and evil. He also used to slag me off about my weight in front of his gf who's stick thin, so i'm afraid that lovely rosey image you have posted is not accurate, as much as we'd all like to believe it is.

Miss Fluff

Saddaughter wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm not still seeing counsellor, but I know she would be more than willing to meet with me a few times to explore this further. I am half afraid to meet up with him don't know what to expect or what I want to ask him. I fear I may just freak out completely. I don't think my family would understand me wanting to meet with him or even if i'm 100% convinced it's a good idea myself.

Well I think your counsellor would be in a position to guide you and help you deal with the uncertainty as well as ultimately preparing you for the visit if that's the decision you decide to take. I also wouldn't feel compelled to tell the rest of your family if you think this will compund the issue. If you decide to meet your father it's because you have decided to so if you feel the remainder of your family will hassle you and give you a hard time then perhaps it best not to tell them. I definitely think your first step is to book a session with your trusted counsellor and take it from there.