problems in the bedroom

LegacyUser

can someone give me advice on what to do with this guy...I'm kind of at my wits end.

I started seeing him two months ago and whilst he seems very keen to meet up, hang out and generally do 'date stuff'.....things in the bedroom are dying.

let me say that first, he's 30, secondly, his father is japanese (might have something to do wtih it, culture differences maybe??)

he's not very affectionate - at first I thought he wasn't at all interested, he seemed uncomfortable if I went to hold his hand, and he barely made much physical contact except when we were in bed together, then he would make the first move. At first, he would get limp with condoms (I reassured him this was ok, not to worry and would cuddle him and go to sleep).....thing is he did come a few times through other means and it didnt seem too difficult to do that.

but whilst he has become a little more affectionate, this weekend has just left me feeling completely rejected and undesirable.

to start off, friday evening he comes over and I cook dinner for him, he falls asleep on the couch, we go to bed and sleep. He wakes up some time during the night and starts fooling around with me, we try to have sex but condom = limp....he tries as usual to satisfy me through other means and it's taking longer due to tiredness.....I try to pleasure him and he's completely soft (usually without a condom he's ok, not very hard but still ok) he then says he's tired and to leave things. we spend the night cuddling which is a step up from the usual sleeping close, kind of touching but not.

so next day we're sitting listening to music and I start getting affectionate and playfull, rubbing his back and giving him little kisses.....he doesn't get the hint, doesn't really respond except for in the end he strokes my arm in return but generally seems uninterested.
later on, we're in my bedroom after giving each other a massage (it's his job...also did it fully clothed and it wasn't sexual)......so I start to get playful with him again afterwards, making it more obvious this time by kissing him full on intensely and touching him....not much response and I'm greeted wtih 'oh we should go now if we want to make the art exhibition.'

now I'm getting frustrated.....spend all day hanging out and he invites me back to his, which I took as a sign he wanted to try again.....again, nothing. spend the night lying on his bed drinking beer and listening to music (which was lovely btw)....but barely touch and he again just rolls over and goes to sleep....he doesn't touch me at all or even lies close to me.

again, spend the morning together and at this stage i'm practically in tears I feel so rejected and undesirable. I'm seriously thinking of not seeing this guy again, but figure one last shot is worth it. so I really go for it and when he comes up behind me I start to kiss him and whilst he returns it, it's kind of luke warm. I persist and things get a bit more heated, and then he asks me 'did I want to go home now'.....I reply no not really and continue but every now and then he makes some comment about how I'm a dangerous girl and gives me strange looks.....but we end up in the bedroom and we fool around and it's a success for me....but when I go to return the favour, the more i touch him, the softer he gets till it gets to the point where he just asks for a massage (normal one) and that's it......

i'm just bewildered as to whether to cut my losses with this guy or what can I do....I've tried being patient and tellign him it's ok...at that point though, he was still willing to initiate sex and satisfy me....now it's the point where even though we hadn't seen each other for two weeks he didn't seem in the least bit interested in me sexually....in the end, I tried to talk to him about it....first off he told me there was no condoms whilst we were fooling around, so I thought well maybe that's it....but later i asked him about what he likes, what could i do to help him or please him (he said it's fine the way it is)...I ask him what he does to pleasure himself alone ('the usual' is the response)....whether he likes to have sex often or not (once a day or every two days).....so the image I'm getting is that he likes sex, though he told me he doesn't need to come every time, I responded no probs, I get that and understand completely.....after asking does he like sex with me and responding that yes he does, I asked him why he hadn't made a move all weekend and in fact recently he hasn't seemed that interested.....he told me that he just didn't feel like it, he only likes it in the moment if it feels right.....

but how come that 'feels right in the moment' has gone from every night we ended up together to spending an entire weekend with nothing.????? I just can't understand how he could be around me the whole time and not feel like sex, I can't imagine it - when I'm around him I fancy him, I want to have sex wtih him...should I take it that maybe what he wants is a relationship wtihout the physical side..essentially a friendship???? what can I do?? It seems the affection has gone up slightly (he fell asleep curled up on me on Friday) but the spark isn't there for him?

Wibbs

From my(male) point of view, if I was in a similar place with a woman I'd cut my losses TBH. Life's too short. Sounds harsh, but in my experience this kinda thing rarely, very rarely gets better and you will get more and more frustrated. If two months in the guy isn't trying to hump you like a horny labrador pup it's unlikely to change. Now that would be all good if you were on the same page sexually, but clearly you're not. Understandably you want more. Him being mister floppy on a regular basis at 30 isn't great either IMHO. What's he gonna be like at 40 or 50? Sure condoms can make mr happy retract like touching a snails eye, but I'm getting the impression he's not exactly sporting an oak tree even at his best. Again what's up with that and this won't get better long term either. So yea I'd be cutting my losses TBH. There are women out there not that pushed on sex and fair enough, so let him find one of those.

DangerMouse27

Well Op!
I kind of imagine he does actually like you,it sounds like you can read that from him but when it comes to sex,things dont seem to be sparking.
It could be any number of things but communication is an important aspect of any sex life and maybe you both need a little more of it. Erectile dysfunction affects many men and things like alcohol and diet may make it worse to achieve an erection. The issues could go way beyond,he doesnt want to have sex with you!
Or maybe its some issue with deep intimacy,maybe a previous partner was critical of him and he is paralysed with fear.

Without asking him,your never gonna know. Honest and open will get you places either way

LegacyUser

dangermouse I've tried being open and honest with him - I usually find that hard but I'm working on it, and figure it's worth feeling awkward to try and start a convo on the issue....instead he just told me he doesnt like to come every time, that it's 'tantric' (my arse!).....I think it's an intimacy issue, I know he's had some problems in the past (mother died whilst he was a teenager, father left a few years later to move back to Japan so he was raised mostly by his grandparents....then found out his father suffered a stroke a few years ago)
but he didn't exactly open up or see any problem...instead he told me it's either the condoms, or lack of them (as to why he gets soft/didn't make a move) or he just didn't feel like it....

I know he likes me, I just feel like he should want to jump my bones.....it's the early stages of dating, sure he might be shy but like Wibbs said, what will it be like further down the line...??

btw the horny labrador pup analogy has me in stitches!

but the other thing is - when there is some action, he's absolutely amazing in other respects (I've never met a guy like him to make me cum)......ok so we don't have sex that often, or it doesn't last....but I'm satisfied in other ways......my biggest problem though is that he won't initiate anything....him getting soft isn't so bad, it's just that he never seems to want to do anyhting physical

Miss Fluff

I agree. Seems like WAY too much hard work and it's such early days too. If I were in the same position I'd cut my losses tbh, it just ain't happening obviously

ibarelycare

Way too much like hard work. You're together 2 months, you should be definitely in the honeymoon period.

Struck me reading it that perhaps he's gay and in denial.

Wibbs

Or just not that sexual a man. Common enough. Or has low level erectile dysfunction which puts him off the whole thing. Now if the OP was in a relationship with the chap for a couple of years and a future was in play I'd say work through it, but after 2 months? For me it wouldn't be worth it. As you say they're in the honeymoon period at that point, in the vast majority of cases that first 1 or 2 years is the highest point romantically and sexually of any relationship. If she's feeling frustrated now imagine in 5 years time when it's once a year or on high days and holy days?

DangerMouse27

Wibbs hits it out of the park.
It really should be the honeymoon period. Him losing an erection could be a sign of some sort of erectile dysfunction but to irish men in alot of cases,you mention that word and out comes the holy water and they pop into the next room to tell their winky you didnt mean to offend them.

Yeah its great he works on so many levels, the sleeping on your legs thing was very cute but you do sound like a very sexual being and it may be only a matter of time before yoiu resent him for rejecting your advances,you are just human after all.
If he is doing so well in hitting your high notes,he prob doesnt think its much of an issue.

Dont feel like your hurting his feelings by not confronting it head on..no pun intended. at the end of it,its your smile that being affected.

LegacyUser

When I was about 25/26 I had a similar problem - except I was the guy.

I wasn't confident at all in the bedroom and due to that and getting nervous, I could never keep it up due to performance anxiety.

So like with your guy, I used to love getting close to women but when it came to shagging, I'd make my excuses.

AndI'd also hold back on initiating anything because I didn't want it to get to the stage where I might be in a situation where I'd be "excpected" to sleep with a girl.

Condoms made it all the worse.

Tell me this, he makes you cum - I'm presuming with his mouth (I certainly learned how to make the most of a bad situation). Do you give him head? I found that it was a matter of cumming a few times in different ways before I got comfortable enough to have full sex.

Don't take it as rejecting or a lack of desire on his part.

My gf at the time was very patient with me... we went out for 2 years.... split up due to other reasons but when I realised that sex was meant to be fun and not to worry about, it certainly improved things in the bedroom for us.

If you like him, maybe stick with it.

LegacyUser

I'm going unreg to reply to this because I had a similar experience with an Asian guy. Everything was perfect except for the bedroom. I don't know if it's a cultural or physiological issue but it sounds really familiar. I didn't let it bother me but I was getting over a previous bad sexual experience at the time so his gentle non-penetrative approach was right for me. The relationship ended up platonic.

I don't think you're happy with the situation OP. I'd advise you to cut your losses because this type of situation can erode your self-confidence as a woman.

LegacyUser

Hey People - yes he uses his tongue and whilst I've returned the favour, at the beginning ti worked, but the last few times he just goes soft no matter whether it's my hands/mouth.....really hard not to take it personally.

I like him well enough, I enjoy spendign time with him and yes, he does satisfy me - but beentehredonethat - it's not a problem with penetration (ok, that sucks that he can't/won't) but it's that he hasn't initiated anything the last few times...if he showed more response to my advances or initiated, I'd be more inclined to give it more time. I can understand problems with getting it hard (not ideal) and would be willing to work with him on it, but I can't, can't can't pass an entire weekend with him, sleeping beside him, and not be touched!

ok so I think everyone here has given really good advice, thanks a million for takign teh time to respond and give me such balanced views. I just feel really guilty about being THAT woman that makes the guy feel bad for his performance. TBH he's great in other ways, and it's not the lack of a woody, it's the lack of sexual interest in me.....you guys are right, at this stage of the game, it should be sex as often as possible....

so how do I do this breakup thing? Never done it before, I really dont want him to feel like I'm breaking up with him over his performance (though it's kind of true)....and damage him further. Would it be so bad just to text and say it's just not working out....or shoudl I let it become platonic (actually, I already know that's not gonna work).....should I go to his house and tell him/meet in a park....is it bad to meet him just to break up with him?? should i explain why I'm ending it or just say it's not working out? If he wanted something platonic (which seems so from actions, but really I know he likes me more than that so prob not).....I'd be happy with that, should I suggest it, or say yes if he does?

shinikins

so how do I do this breakup thing?

Do the decent thing and tell him the truth, you don't have to be mean about it. Just tell him you have a high sex drive, and his lack of/lower sex drive is something that will cause problems between you if the relationship goes on. Or you could try talking to him about it, he may have a reason as to why he has a low sex drive at the moment. Perhaps he doesn't realise how you feel.


Good luck!

Wibbs

shinikins wrote: »

Do the decent thing and tell him the truth, you don't have to be mean about it. Just tell him you have a high sex drive, and his lack of/lower sex drive is something that will cause problems between you if the relationship goes on.

I would NOT do this. IMHO it would be akin to telling a soon to be ex girlfriend you're leaving her because of her fat arse. With floppy willy syndrome there's very few ways of couching it in terms that won't come across as 'mean'.

Or you could try talking to him about it, he may have a reason as to why he has a low sex drive at the moment. Perhaps he doesn't realise how you feel.

I would do this.

But if you're pretty sure about splitting up I would do it somewhere neutral and face to face. I'd say what you reckon yourself "it's not working out". Keep it vague. Better than "it's cos your willy doesn't work" anyway.

IMHO do NOT go down the platonic route. This in my experience is one of the thickest things women and it's most often women can do. "Let's be friends". No. Just no. If you're dumping a guy, he does not want to be friends. Friends is a downgrade. End of. He may go along with it, even request it in the vain hope of you changing your mind. You may go along with it because it's easier and makes it less of a guilt thing. Like you've broken up but he gets the consolation prize, or you may go along with it for selfish reasons. You get to keep the good parts without the bad. Not good. Basically you're either with him or you're not. Hey in time down the line when ye've no interest in each other friends is cool.

LegacyUser

this is where I'm not sure....we had the chat last week...should I give it another week or so and see if things change?

I like him, but aside from the lack of sexual interest (btw Wibbs, it's not the floppy willy that has me wanting to end things...more so the lack of interest/physical touch)...I'm not sure I see a future with him....should I keep going for a while? I'd hate to think he'd make this big effort to be more physical just to keep me, but it's not really authentic or him, and later down the line it'd go back to the old him

fairyelf

please run for the hills, its gonna stay the same and if u put all your time and effort in trying to sort him out, u'll burn out! There is something he is not saying and probably won't ever. The heart ache at the end is not worth it! Find some one that is so in to u and not afraid to show it, u deserve it!Don't accept bull ****. The early stages should be exciting and happy not stressful!

Good luck with your decision.

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.

OP,

I'm with Wibbs, cut your losses - especially as it isn't so much about the lack of sex but general interest in that area. While I appreciate one issue may well cause the other, unless the guy is an absolute keeper and you are head over heels, I'd give a very generic goodbye and move on - lack sex and affection in the first few months of a relationship never bodes well ime.

All the best. :cool:

All the best.