Family hates my boyf :(

LegacyUser

I'm using the anon way of posting as my OH is on Boards and while I can't see him hanging out in the PI section, you never know...

Anyway I got back with an ex about 10 months ago and waited a few months before telling my family (mam and sis) about it. We'd broken up as we were both going through a hard time with our families and being in a relationship was just too hard. After a year apart we met up a few times and then feelings developed and we're back together. I can honestly say that this time round its 10 tens better. I'm not terrified to open my mouth and express my feelings (both positive and negative ones) and he's much more conscious of making an effort to see me and talk to me regulary. We're absolutely cracked about each other and I'm delighted to have him in my life again.
However, my family hate him. I left it 4 months before I told them and they went nuts. I live at home and everytime I say I'm going to his they either start screaming at me or just ignore me until I go. I can't mention his name without an arguement starting about what an asshole he is, how he's controlling me, etc. As a result I never tell them about our nice dates or weekends away as they always find a way to ruin it- our Valentine's Day dinner in a posh restaurant was dismissed as him just trying to get me into bed! My mother actually told me the other day she thinks I have mental issues for going back to him which was very hurtful.My job is very irregular so I can't afford to move out but I'm looking for something with a steadier wage so I can leave- I moved back home last year to help out my mother financially but at this stage I'm so mad at her I don't care if she has to struggle.
Being at home is absolutely horrific now, there's an atmosphere of tension all the time and as a result I'm becoming grumpy and monosyllabic towards my family, which my OH is then getting blamed for. I'm 25 so I'm not a kid and he never comes to the house so it's not like I'm flaunting him in their faces- ironically my OH keeps offering to come help my mam with odd jobs around the house as my dad isn't here to do 'manly chores' and I feel like awful having to make up vague excuses. I feel like I have to choose between my family and boyfriend and it's absolutely killing me. Has anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation? Please don't say have a chat with them, I tried that on Monday and it ended in a screaming match and the silent treatment for 3 days...
Sorry for the long post!

tinkerbell

You're 25, you don't need mammy's approval on who you date. If things are better than before and you are happy in your relationship then that's all that matters. Just don't talk about your bf at home - they don't need to know if they are just gonna be nasty all the time so why bother wasting your time telling them anything?

Chinafoot

OP, you haven't gone into too much detail about how things were before in your relationship but one thing you said stood out.

I'm not terrified to open my mouth and express my feelings (both positive and negative ones) and he's much more conscious of making an effort to see me and talk to me regulary.

When you originally split up had you spent time talking to your family about what happened and how you were treated? Do they know that you were "terrified to open your mouth" to your boyfriend or that he wasn't making the effort to see you? Chances are they are really worried about you and are showing their concern in the wrong way. Is there a possibility that he is controlling you? Often people in those situations can't see it as clearly as someone on the outside can.

From personal experience it can be so, so hard to watch a family member or close friend that you care deeply about go back to what was an awful situation. I had someone close to me who was with a man who really didn't deserve her. He controlled her, shattered her self-esteem and basically treated her like shít. She would leave him, go home to her family and friends who would be told in detail how he had treated her, but then he'd worm his way back in and she'd go back to him. Its really difficult to hold your tongue in that situation because you're can see whats going to happen.

If you genuinely believe he's changed then tell your family that you are not going to leave him and you would really like it if they could make an effort to accept your relationship. I do think you should try to see things from their point of view though. Your boyfriend may need to earn back your family's trust and this will have to be done slowly.

I am a friend

In my family if my parents took a severe dislike to a partner of mine I would certainly sit up and take note because they always have my best interest at heart and maybe they see something I don't

Why do your family actually dislike him so much?

Leitrim lass

Your family sound a bit messed up if you don't mind me saying so.
You say you broke up in the first place because there was stuff going on with your family that made it difficult to be in a relationship.
Now, you have moved in with your mother to help her out financially but this is the way she repays you?
Now when your mother and sister hear you are going out to meet your OH they scream the house down!
Weird and controlling behaviour and they definitely don't deserve you.
Sounds to me like they want to keep you all for themselves to always be there to their problems out for them.
Don't put up with their bullsh*t.
You are a twenty-five year old woman who is capable to make up your own mind about people. They are not behaving like this out of concern. They are behaving like this out of their need to control you. Don't try to justify yourself to them as this will only encourage their behaviour.
I speak from experience by the way.

HavingCrack

"I'm not terrified to open my mouth and express my feelings (both positive and negative ones) and he's much more conscious of making an effort to see me and talk to me regulary."

OP, that sentence hidden in amongst everything else speaks volumes. Was your relationship really bad the first time around? If it was can you not see that maybe your family are trying to protect you from yourself so to speak?

sbsquarepants

Sorry to burst your bubble, but if your whole family don't like this guy then chances are he's no good!
You know your family better than we do, do they often judge people like this or is this an exception? Seems to me that it's a major alarm bell that you'd be quite foolish to ignore. Love is blind as they say, if you think about it i'm sure you'll see why your family think this way.

gypsy_rose

If you're really sure that this time it's gonna be different, then you just have to give it time. Over time they'll realise that he's treating you well since things aren't going wrong between you again, it might not go amiss for him to buy you a pretty necklace or something, then when they ask where you got it from, you can say him, and he might slowly go up in their estimation. I would be wary though OP, if things go badly between the two of you again your family will get to say I told you so.

LegacyUser

""I'm not terrified to open my mouth and express my feelings (both positive and negative ones) and he's much more conscious of making an effort to see me and talk to me regulary."

OP, that sentence hidden in amongst everything else speaks volumes. Was your relationship really bad the first time around? If it was can you not see that maybe your family are trying to protect you from yourself so to speak?"

I got a job in the UK for the last few months we were together so we ended up in this weird situation where when we did manage to see each other it wasn't real, we were too set on trying to make everything perfect. LDRs are not easy at the best of times and it really finished us off. I hate talking about feelings (parents had an extremely acrimonious seperation so my experience of people sorting out relationship problems involves screaming and slamming doors) so instead of telling him I was finding it hard I bottled it all up and pretended it was ok. By the time I came back I was full of resentment as he hadn't read my mind and figured out I was upset, and by that stage he'd suffered a bereavement so an insecure girlfriend wasn't what he needed (not that he said that by the way!). I was very very upset when we broke up and that triggered off issues from my parents' seperation and I saw a councellor a few times. My parents split up 6 years before we met and I didn't see a councellor then and I probably should have.

It just frustrates me as I never mention him at home, never bring him home and I still get screamed at. I didn't bitch about him when we broke up as I didn't hate him, I just knew it wasnt a good time for us to be together. He bought me fabulous piece of jewelery for my birthday last month and I haven't even told my family where I got it cos I feel like they'll ruin it for me. I know it sounds mad and I would be rolling my eyes if I was reading this, but I feel like we are both different people now, definitely alot more mature.

My family are quite judgemental and would be very concerned about what others think. They also love raking over the past and discussing who has annoyed them, whereas I'm more of a 'deal with it and move on' person. I had been considering going back to college to do a MA but have decided not to as I just can't afford to this year. My family are choosing to believe that he has persuaded me not to even though (a) he has been encouraging me to do it, (b) I'd actually see more of him if I did as he lives near to the college I'd want to do it in. Unfortunately its a question of finances thats stopping me!

I guess I feel that if I give into my family over this I may as well give up all my independence. I've lived all over Europe at this stage and survived perfectly fine on my own so its just annoying to have people tell me what to do!

Leitrim lass

Hi again OP,
So sorry to hear what you are going through with your family. I've been through more or less the exact same with mine which was why I responded to your post in the first place.
Funnily enough, I'm probably one of the the few posters who didn't read something bad about your boyfriend into what you wrote about 'being terrified to express your feelings',(that's not a criticism of other posters advice by the way). It's just that I was raised in a family where issues weren't discussed properly, just hints and silent treatment, so that it took me a long time as well to learn that it was ok to say how I was feeling in a relationship.
My mother also told me that I was mentally unstable after I married my husband.
I was also told that he had me under his thumb and that I had changed. I had changed, I was more confident and assertive and she and the rest of the family knew that they had little or no influence over me any more.
As a result I have had to choose between them and my husband and I chose my husband.
I have minimum contact with them these days, a few phone calls a year and that's about it.
if you are serious about him OP don't let them come between you because they will think that they can always come between you and another partner in the future. It's what happened with me with past boyfriends.
Like you I had travelled all over the place and I think that it was my independence and particularly my lack of dependence on them and not needing their approval that drove them mad. I didn't realise this until a long time later.
My family are always constantly going on about other people and perceived slights which cause them to hold grudges over the most ridiculous things. They are extremely judgemental which makes them perfect and everybody else always in the wrong somehow.
Do a google check on toxic families or better still buy the book 'toxic parents'. It will open your eyes a lot to your situation and help you realise that you are not the only one going through this with family.
I would advise you to let your boyfriend know what's happening here. He obviously doesn't know how they feel about him if he is offering to help out around the house. It's only fair to let him know what they are saying about him. It will keep him on his guard if they choose to cause trouble between you.
Sorry about the long reply and I didn't mean to make it all about me. It's just that I can completely empathise with you and what you are going through.
Also OP, move out as soon as you can. Your mother will guilt trip you into staying there to help her with her problems. This is another way of her controlling you and not allowing you your freedom or independence.