Feedback on my poem please

euser1984

Hi,
I'm new here. Just wondering if anybody has anything to comment on with the below poem I've just finished writing.

I'm new here btw.

Thanks.


Black and white
Prose makes reading accessible and standardized,
Life in contrast is unpredictable and un-sanitized,
Juxtaposition those two lines,
but carefully realize that to analyze is to sanitize.

Locks open, let your shoulders down now, I’ll attempt to write with gentle caress.
However! No attempt will be made to show life as a carnival.
Black and white dynamism must be clear while you sit and
ponder between mania and fear.

Reinvention, another go at non-invigorating pretension,
Bored and tired with neurotransmitters fired,
All it leaves are tears in my shadow.

Lots of exploration has led me down a path with no explanation.
Life is a bewildered tangent. Perfection is exception.
Massive expectation is a step in the wrong direction.

In despair be open to coping,
strategize your lives but hold on to bright tokens.
Homily and parody, are, I suppose.... simple instructions.

There is no day without a night.
Mania and fear are natural elements of human life.

Maybe, without fear it is possible, to mix LaVeyan agenda and Christian morals.

euser1984

Hi,
I'm really confused as to why I have got no feedback for this poem or the first one I've written. If people think they are dark and depressing that's fine but I would like to know if that is what you think.

I've only started writing poetry recently so I have no idea as to how people interpret anything I've written.

Thanks.

kickarykee

I think that especially the beginning sounds more like a manual than a poem.
In general I like it, though.
It's critical, but not cynical, which is something I like.
The flow isn't that nice at some points (second verse for example), but alright.
Dark isn't the right word here, I think..
I feel it's rather "observant" and your own opinion which I'm sure lots of people share.

euser1984

***

Insect Overlord

If you have to explain your poem to that extent then you're doing it wrong.

euser1984

Insect Overlord wrote: »

If you have to explain your poem to that extent then you're doing it wrong.

Fair enough - I put it up two days ago without any reply. I thought people just didn't understand but your right I shouldn't need to explain it so I removed the last post.


I suppose by explaining it I figured people could give advice on how to write it in a way people would understand better.

Insect Overlord

euser1984 wrote: »

Fair enough - I put it up two days ago without any reply. I thought people just didn't understand but your right I shouldn't need to explain it so I removed the last post.


I suppose by explaining it I figured people could give advice on how to write it in a way people would understand better.

I actually like the poem. It just felt a little patronising that you didn't expect readers to understand it. The way you detailed each technique you used reminded me of a Leaving Cert English class, with the teacher pointing out every use of rhyme, sibilance, assonance, metaphor, etc.

Also, a two-day wait for feedback is nothing. I've poems here over two years that were never given critique! Patience goes a long way. Sometimes it takes multiple readings to derive the message of a poem.

euser1984

Insect Overlord wrote: »

I actually like the poem. It just felt a little patronising that you didn't expect readers to understand it. The way you detailed each technique you used reminded me of a Leaving Cert English class, with the teacher pointing out every use of rhyme, sibilance, assonance, metaphor, etc.

Also, a two-day wait for feedback is nothing. I've poems here over two years that were never given critique! Patience goes a long way. Sometimes it takes multiple readings to derive the message of a poem.

Well, I'm new here and also very new to poetry so I don't really know how to make my poems accessible to others. It's a long time since I've been in school as well. I didn't see your post as being either useful or constructive. In fact it was really insulting given the nature of the poem and was reported.

I've read some of your poems and I don't have anything to add to them either. The last sentence of your post there actually reminds of learning poetry in school come to think of it.

pickarooney

Poetry is awfully subjective at the best of times and critique mostly futile but I usually find that when someone doesn't get feedback on a poem it's for one of three reasons.

1. The poster has made no attempt to participate in the forum and give feedback to others before expecting or even demanding feedback of their own.

2. The poster seems a bit precious and is not really looking for feedback, especially negative feedback.

3. It's really not very good.

On the other hand, posters who partake in threads, give some indication of exactly what they want commentary on and who do so in an amiable manner are much more likely to get useful feedback.

Antilles

pickarooney wrote: »

Poetry is awfully subjective at the best of times

This is the main reason I rarely comment in poetry threads. If I really like someone's poem, I'll say so. If I think its terrible, I'll say nothing because after all it's just my opinion.

euser1984

pickarooney wrote: »

Poetry is awfully subjective at the best of times and critique mostly futile but I usually find that when someone doesn't get feedback on a poem it's for one of three reasons.

1. The poster has made no attempt to participate in the forum and give feedback to others before expecting or even demanding feedback of their own.

2. The poster seems a bit precious and is not really looking for feedback, especially feedback.

3. It's really not very good.

On the other hand, posters who partake in threads, give some indication of exactly what they want commentary on and who do so in an amiable manner are much more likely to get useful feedback.

Hmmm fair enough actually then - I can't disagree with that.

I was going to say it still doesn't make post 5 correct but then again it's probably a good idea he is watching this thread as he will see your post also.

Thanks pickarooney.

Antilles

Maybe I'm missing something; I don't see what's wrong with post #5? It seems like helpful advice to me.

euser1984

I wasn't sure that people were getting it so I attempted to explain. I thought I might get info back on how to connect with other people that way I suppose. Particulary I wanted to explain to "kickarykee" the idea as to how I thought the poem flowed.

I removed the post then based on "Insect Overlords" advice but when I visited the thread again later I realized it was quite a judgmental thing to say without knowing the intent.

Anyways I would prefer to leave it at that.

Antilles

Hrm might have been clearer if you'd left your post intact. Maybe you weren't clear as to why you were posting the explanation?

euser1984

Antilles wrote: »

Hrm might have been clearer if you'd left your post intact. Maybe you weren't clear as to why you were posting the explanation?

I think you can still read the older version, no? I can select it to view but maybe that's because I wrote it. I wasn't clear as to why I was posting it though, no.

euser1984

Did you delete a post you added here a few hours ago Insect Overlord?

monroebaby

Poetry can be very personal, a part of your soul. I've never posted any of mine on boards but I have on other sites. In my experience, it's quite hard to critique a piece of work by an artist or writer who seems quite attached to his or her work, it does kind of come across that you are ready to defend your work to any kind of criticism. If this is not the case, I apologize, but it is the sense I get. I don't tend to offer suggestions or critique if I sense that as I kind of feel there's not much point. Just my two cents.....

"Think of and look at your work as though it were done by your enemy. If you look at it to admire it, you are lost” — Samuel Butler

euser1984

monroebaby wrote: »

Poetry can be very personal, a part of your soul. I've never posted any of mine on boards but I have on other sites. In my experience, it's quite hard to critique a piece of work by an artist or writer who seems quite attached to his or her work, it does kind of come across that you are ready to defend your work to any kind of criticism. If this is not the case, I apologize, but it is the sense I get. I don't tend to offer suggestions or critique if I sense that as I kind of feel there's not much point. Just my two cents.....

"Think of and look at your work as though it were done by your enemy. If you look at it to admire it, you are lost” — Samuel Butler

Thanks for that. Initially when I read it first I didn't want to agree with anything you said. I left it for a while and have thought about it since.

While the poem does fundamentally come from the soul, it is clouded yes. There's an extra layer there between my fingers and my soul - I know what it is. I even thought it before but I did not deal with it.

That layer is where the hostility and need for self gratification comes from - I'm sure anyone reading knows what it is.

Thank you very much for your post. It has been really helpful.