Boyfriend lives with mother- house is filthy and I can't stand it

LegacyUser

Hi there guys,

my boyfriend and I have been going out for two and a half years and we both live with our parents. I come from a family that is very houseproud; chores are always done, everything is clean and tidy but not to a ridiculous extent. Washing is done each day, as are the mopping of the floors and hoovering is done twice a week. My bedroom can be untidy at times though and was like a warzone during my finals- I did a massive cleanout the other day and it's sparkling now.

My boyfriend and his family are the opposite of mine. While I understand some people are not as meticulous about housework as my family are, I do believe that bathrooms and food preparation areas should be clean. My boyfriend lives with his sister and mother and I can honestly say their home is like the something off "How Clean is Your House". There is permanently a vile smell of decomposing food and dirt in all downstairs room, there are dirty clothes and dishes on every surface, everything is covered in dust, windows are never opened, there is stale food in abundance in the fridge and presses, they have food items in the house than went off ten years and they won't throw out, etc. I cannot bear to spend time in the house as I am not comfortable being in such dirt and the smell is so bad I have to breathe through my mouth. My boyfriend gets upset when I won't stay over or spend time in his home. I have expressed the fact that I feel the house needs some sprucing up before and have gone in myself while the family were away and scrubbed it as a nice surprise for when they returned. I can't put up with it and he is very touchy if I in any way insult his home, understandably. What can I do? I recognise that the dirt and rubbish everywhere may be a result of a hoarding problem of his mother's. Apologies for length and thanks in advance for your responses.

Fentdog84

What can you do?? Im afraid there is nothing you can do. It's their house. Its up to them to clean it, and if thats the way they live, you got to well, like it or lump it. Dont go over there if it bothers you that much. Offering to help clean up or give advice will probably only backfire. Sorry but thats about the size of it really.

tinkerbell

Tell him that you won't go to their house because it is that filthy. Tell him it makes you feel ill and you can't go in there while it's that dirty. If he's any sense of respect for himself and you he might clean the place for you.

I will say one thing to you - what are you in for long term with this guy if he is quite happy to live in that type of filth, i.e. if you move in together? Does he even clean up after himself?

SATSUMA

You are with him long enough to say it how it is. If it's as bad as you say then you are doing nothing wrong.

More to the point though- how could you be with someone who is content with living in a sty? I presume he is clean-So, he washes himself in a dirty shower and then makes breakfast on a dirty worktop, all while breathing in the putrid smell of rancid food. Sounds like every girls dream!!!!!

Firetrap

The thing is, your boyfriend's family chooses to live in squalor. It sounds like nobody living in that house has ever tried particularly hard to clean the place up either. It's not just his mother who's to blame here. It's one thing to hoard junk but to keep rotten food is another matter entirely.

You need to spell out to your boyfriend that you can't stay over because the place is filthy. It's not up to you to clean the house - it's not your home. In fact, if you did clean the place up more thoroughly, you could p!ss them off.

A more crucial question though is what is your boyfriend like himself? What is his room like? Is he a clean or tidy person? If you ever lived together in the future, could you see yourself and him fighting like cats and dogs because he's a slob and you're not. I've seen threads here on boards where people have reached the end of their tethers with partners who won't help with the housework. It can be a deal breaker for some people.

bath handle

You are being very underhand cleaning when they are not there! You should bring a black plastic bag the next time you. In front of all of them, you should say "what is that awful smell". Then go and pick up some out of date piece of food. say "look at this, its ten years old". Put it in the black bag. Throw any other rotten food to hand in it as well. Take the bag outside and say "that's better". If they don't get the message at that stage, give up!

Big Bag of Chips

It all depends on your relationship with the whole family, and what they think of you...

To be honest, I'd be very insulted if someone landed on my doorstep with bin bags, or "scrubbed" my house while I wasn't there! Although maybe they appreciated it?

If they did appreciate it, and seem genuinely swamped by it, then, depending in how you get on with them, you could try organise a day for a clear out. But just be aware, if this is how they live the house will revert back in no time. And you'll want to clean up again.. you could end up being their unpaid cleaner.

Stop going over there. Tell your bf exactly why you've stopped. If he wants you to come to his house, he'll need to make more of an effort... if he doesn't... well...?

Miss Fluff

CantStandSqualor wrote: »

There is permanently a vile smell of decomposing food and dirt in all downstairs room, there are dirty clothes and dishes on every surface, everything is covered in dust, windows are never opened, there is stale food in abundance in the fridge and presses, they have food items in the house than went off ten years and they won't throw out, etc.

Hate to say it but this says as much about your boyfriend as it does about the rest of the family. Doesn't he have any standards? Does he think it ok that the place stinks and that rotten food left is just left out to decompose? He obviously does if he hasn't been proactive and done something about it/continues to live there. Facts are facts here and there's no point in pussyfooting around the issue, telling him the place could do with "sprucing up" doesn't really get to the core of the issue. You need to tell him that spending any time there makes you want to vomit as rancid food and the smell of decaying filth makes your tummy churn. Sorry but he needs to be told.

neuro-praxis

My best friend's home is like this. It is at times, unimaginably bad. Filth everywhere.

I deal with it by spending as little time as possible at her house. We do things at my place, or elsewhere. She's really fab, and she herself is clean, but the house...? Yikes.

However, she's not my partner, only my friend...

Naikon

CantStandSqualor wrote: »

What can I do? I

Stop stressing over trivial problems? If you are that concerned about his inability to conform to your expectations, why not just dump him?

tenchi-fan

Hi Op

It's none of your business, least of all his mother's hoarding "problem". If you don't like it, don't go there.

If it's a deal-breaker, ask your bf to only invite you over when the place is clean. If he refuses to, dump him.

Just remember that some day you might end up settling down with this guy... will he live in such squalor when you move in with him & expect you to clean up after him?

dudara

OP, even if your motivations were sincere, it was incredibly rude of you to clean their house while they were out. Unfortunately, it's their house & home, not yours, and you need to respect that.

If this has been going on for years, I doubt that you're going to be the one to change it. I think my own mother has a touch of hoarding, and even though my parents home is clean, it's full of piles of useless stuff. Speaking to her about it doesn't work as she simply doesn't see anything wrong with keeping all the jamjar lids. To her, she's simply being thrifty and ready to reuse them.

Talk to your OH, but my simple recommendation is to avoid their home as much as possible and if you do have to visit, don't let your distaste show.

Firetrap

I have a friend with a bachelor uncle whose house was even worse than the house the OP described. Some family members did try to clean the place up (it was originally the family home) and all it did was cause a massive rift. He got mad as hell, changed the locks and didn't speak to any of them for ages. So really, although the OP might think she's doing the right thing by cleaning the place up, she'd want to tread carefully. Leaving the squalor bit aside, how would she feel if she came home and discovered that someone had decided that the house wasn't clean enough and had given it a sprucing up?