Am I being unreasonable/too needy?

Nicky_ia

I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t pay enough attention to me, to the point where I feel like I should break up with him, but my friend tells me I’m being too needy. We’ve been seeing each other exclusively since January, but only made it ‘official’ about a month ago. We’re both 20. I feel like he doesn’t really care very much about me.

What bothers me is that we are essentially at the start of the relationship, but it seems to me like he makes no effort to make me feel even a little bit special or different. I feel like he takes advantage of the fact I like him, so he thinks he can get away with more. When we first started seeing each other, he’d pay for little stuff, like coffee, tea, lunch sometimes. I never took advantage of this and I paid for him at times too. But now he never even offers to pay, (which leads me to never offer to pay either, because I’m not sure he’d ever really return the favour, and I don’t want to be the one always making the effort) it’s assumed we’ll pay for ourselves, which I don’t mind too much (and we're both students so it's not like I expect him to spend all his money on me) but every now and again I’d like the treat. This one stings a little because I know he has one friend that he ALWAYS buys tea for when they go together.

We haven’t spent quality time together in quite a while, because he’s gone away now for the summer, and at the start of the month he had exams. We saw each other a bit during his exams, and there were times when he seemed really off and uninterested, but I ignored this and put it down to stress. He had three days between the end of exams and going away, and he was acting normally but he didn’t do anything particularly boyfriend-y for me. We didn’t do anything special, even though he was going away, we just kind of hung around, and he went out with his friends who I don’t know, but I wasn’t invited anyway.

So now I’m beginning to think maybe he actually just is uninterested, and I’m just around to fill up time. But I feel like he’s kind of playing it hot and cold. He did tell me he doesn’t want to break up for the summer, he wants us to stay together, but sometimes, I feel less like his girlfriend and just like a female friend to him. I know it sounds silly, but he never really calls me pretty or compliments me all that often or anything.

I’m trying to not compare my relationship to those of my friends, because obviously every relationship is different but my friend’s boyfriends are all much more attentive, much more complimentary and even just more coupley. I’m not a clingy person, I love my own space, but every so often I wouldn’t mind if he texted a bit more often, he never calls me, and doesn’t really invite me anywhere. I put all this down to exams, but now I’ve started second guessing the relationship.

At the start, it seemed like he was the one more into it than me, he was the one doing all the asking on dates etc, but now I feel like the tables have completely turned and maybe the thrill is gone for him now that he’s actually got me and he’s lost interest? I’ve thought about breaking up with him quite a few ties, but when it comes down to it I like him too much and I end up making excuses for him.
Am I being to needy or are these legitimate concerns?

Sorry, I know it's long and waffley, it's just kind of playing on my mind a lot.

Belladance

I'm sorry to hear your complaint. My advice is nip it in the bud as soon as you can because my boyfriend showed similar traits when i met him at the age of 21. Im still with him now at nearly 30 and he hasnt changed and is still making me miserable.

LegacyUser

I wouldnt be too bothered about the fact that he doesnt offer to pay for things, its alot simpler if everyone just pays their own way instead of trying to keep tabs on whose turn it is and all that.

But asides from that, it does sounds a bit like he's not all that pushed about paying you any further attention than he would any other of his friends. You obviously want more than that. Id say, mention it to him and see if he ups his game, if your still unhappy in a month or so (after he's presumably made the initial knee-jerk effort, then setteled back into what he's naturally comfortable with), its probably time to let him go. He's not going to suddenly change how he behaves towards you under his own steam, and cynical as it may sound, People rarely keep up efforts that they are not personally motivated to do in the first place.

tinkerbell

OP, your post is impossible to read. Could you please use paragraphs and you might get a better response rate to your problem.

MiniSquish

I've been feeling the same for quite an amount of time too OP. My boyfriend is alot like yours- not interested in texting, ringing and not as anxious to see me as I would be him. All the things that us girls chalk up to not being an attentive boyfriend.

What I will say is that if you're both students that he is possibly broke alot too and can only afford to pay for himself and not both of you. What you could do is say to him that you'd like to do something like go away for a weekend or something to a hotel and ye could both save towards it, and it would be something fun and different for the two of ye to do together.

I would say talk to him and tell him how you feel and explain to him that you are feeling neglected. I know from a very long chat with my boyfriend last night that he doesn't even realise that he's doing the things he's doing and yours probably doesn't either. Its often typical in a relationship for the girl to be the more nurturing type, guys just don't read into things as much as we do.

If you think he'll never change and that is something that you cant live with then I would suggest breaking up with him, my relationship has been very hard at times and is at the stage now where its very hard to consider breaking up because I do love him so much. Get yourself out now if you think it will be too much for you.

Miss Fluff

When you read back over your points in black and white it doesn't bode all that well really does it OP?

His behaviour seems to have changed, he is choosing his friends over you and he doesn't actually phone or text you? If he's like this only a month in when he should be doing double back-flips over fire to impress you then I'd be concerned tbh.

Much easier to rip the plaster off now if you feel he doesn't care then hang around waiting for him to finally work up the balls to do it....

I could be wrong, but....