The second poem I've written.

euser1984

Thanks, I'm new here btw. Hello.

Swiss precision
On Sunday my attention was shifted to the
sound and movement of this specific black and white clock.

Paradise to me is sanity, but it's conflicted by oasis of bright lights with ironic similarity,
The dimensions of entity...elation, desperation...chronic pain of contradictory reality,
Red apples inversely proportionate to spirit and ideality.

Anthropoid senses in consensus found in time temporary serenity,
Most people don't realize that to a certain extent mother Teresa ****ed up more than anything.
Anyone living in parody must be bliss to expressions of distinct satire and irony.

Tick tock with Swiss precision,
Imagination is often more fullfilling than actuality,
Addictive warm lights are reality but what can we do,
our nature is slave to the attributes of you.

Next Sunday, Sunday week..? Serenity lays in memoir conjecture.

Rest in peace.

sceptre

Moved to Creative Writing (you're very welcome to boards - Creative Writing is where people are up for giving views on posted material that members have written:)).

euser1984

Ok thanks for moving it to the correct place!

Squall Leonhart

From my reading of your poem, I have the following comments to make;

It feels a bit wordy? Lines are perhaps overly long.
Some of the rhymes feel a little forced, and the poem doesn't flow very smoothly.

What.. exactly.. is the theme?? It's clearly dark, maybe angry, but it appears a little nonsensical, almost as if it's overly convoluted and needlessly complicated.

I will be the first to admit that I'm not an avid reader of poetry, and only read it occasionally. So there is a good chance that it's just not meant to be read by somebody like me. It may be a brilliant piece of writing, but it's just not appealing to my taste.

I'm interested to hear what others think, and for you to tell me what you were trying to say. Thanks for posting, I know it's hard to put forward a piece for what may result in either criticism or praise.

Welcome to Boards

euser1984

Paul Cosgrave wrote: »

From my reading of your poem, I have the following comments to make;

It feels a bit wordy? Lines are perhaps overly long.
Some of the rhymes feel a little forced, and the poem doesn't flow very smoothly.

What.. exactly.. is the theme?? It's clearly dark, maybe angry, but it appears a little nonsensical, almost as if it's overly convoluted and needlessly complicated.

I will be the first to admit that I'm not an avid reader of poetry, and only read it occasionally. So there is a good chance that it's just not meant to be read by somebody like me. It may be a brilliant piece of writing, but it's just not appealing to my taste.

I'm interested to hear what others think, and for you to tell me what you were trying to say. Thanks for posting, I know it's hard to put forward a piece for what may result in either criticism or praise.

Welcome to Boards

Thanks for your feedback - much appreciated. I’ll try to answer some of your questions.

Firstly, it doesn't necessarily have one specific theme; however everything is linked in a certain way so you might say that it does have one theme.

Life is tough and doesn’t flow smoothly either. A lot of my feelings were repressed by society’s pressures and expectations but now I’ve starting to distance myself from them. I am seeing things in a new way, my own way, not the "How to make friends and influence people" way.

Not sure what to say about the writing style. This writing style, although it's maybe not that accessible has been used rhythmically as well.
Let me know if you have anymore questions.
Thanks.

DangerMouse27

Honestly...when read at a certain tempo,it becomes something else entirely. Odd! on its own,it feels just awful, no feeling like its trying to hide its message at first.


Paradise to me is sanity, but it's conflicted by oasis of bright lights with ironic similarity,
The dimensions of entity...elation, desperation...chronic pain of contradictory reality,
Red apples inversely proportionate to spirit and ideality.

how do you get the rest of it to roll off the tongue like this section does. Its almost a musical piece,read with a tempo,its quite good..this part that is

euser1984

DangerMouse27 wrote: »

Honestly...when read at a certain tempo,it becomes something else entirely. Odd! on its own,it feels just awful, no feeling like its trying to hide its message at first.


Paradise to me is sanity, but it's conflicted by oasis of bright lights with ironic similarity,
The dimensions of entity...elation, desperation...chronic pain of contradictory reality,
Red apples inversely proportionate to spirit and ideality.

how do you get the rest of it to roll off the tongue like this section does. Its almost a musical piece,read with a tempo,its quite good..this part that is

In the next verse "Anthropoid senses in consensus" is meant to slow you down. The poem has time connected into it very much so.

If you read the next verse slowly and deliberately you should find the prose and rhyme in it, I hope.

Thanks for your comment.

Elle Collins

I also find this convoluted, as another poster said. It just reads to me as an overly ambitious mess. There is no nice way of saying that, sorry.

euser1984

Elle Collins wrote: »

I also find this convoluted, as another poster said. It just reads to me as an overly ambitious mess. There is no nice way of saying that, sorry.

Yes I agree - it is tangled mess and hard to follow. The poem itself is about a tangled mess though as well....

Whether that's what the poem is about or not though if you think it's a tangled mess then it is.
I would probably have the same opinion if it was written by someone else and I was reading it. Maybe I would change my mind after reading the first paragraph in this post, maybe I wouldn't - who knows.

Thank you for the feedback though. Hearing things like this gives me insight to what I've written more so than anything.

Elle Collins

euser1984 wrote: »

Yes I agree - it is tangled mess and hard to follow. The poem itself is about a tangled mess though as well....

I don't find it difficult to follow as such euser, just unnecessarily long-winded, which is off-putting in a manner that makes a reader not want to follow. There's an important difference there.

Also it leaves me with the sense that the author is reaching for something beyond his or her grasp, which basically makes for an uncomfortable reading experience. I'd advise you to keep going with the writing though; you're only new to it as you say and I've read a lot worse from new poets.

euser1984

Elle Collins wrote: »

Also it leaves me with the sense that the author is reaching for something beyond his or her grasp?

Can you go into more detail on what you mean here? Thanks.

Elle Collins

euser1984 wrote: »

Can you go into more detail on what you mean here? Thanks.

What I mean is that this poem reads as if the author is not yet skilled enough to impart the meaning he (I'm assuming you're a man - don't know if I'm right!) is trying to impart. Poetry is about conveying meaning, and the meaning here is lost through overly convoluted language.

A poem should leave the reader with a clear image, a clear feeling, a clear sense of what the poem was about. Above all it should evoke feeling; but that feeling should never (at least in my opinion!) be irritation or annoyance because the poems meaning itself was obscured.

If you are writing about fragmentation, you can do that without the poem itself being fragmented. If you are writing about the tangled mess of life you need not reflect that with a tangled mess of a poem, as many people will give up on it half way through and you will have failed in your task of imparting meaning.

You said to somebody yesterday: "If you read the next verse slowly and deliberately you should find the prose and rhyme in it, I hope." Those words jarred with me because the reader should not have to go searching slowly and deliberately for the prose, rhyme or rhythm of any piece of writing. If they do, again, you have failed in your task of imparting meaning.

I have been moved to tears on reading certain poetry and prose (as I'm sure have a lot of people who love reading) so I'm very aware that when feeling is imparted in an unmistakably evocative manner there is nothing quite like it. It stirs a person very deeply, I would say on a soul level. This is what I'd regard as the ultimate aim for a poet. This will not happen unless you strip it back and learn to evoke feeling. Once you've learned to do that you can get back into complexity, if you want.

Another thing that stood out for me (I don't know if it was on this thread or another one) was about your scarcely reading at all. I hope you don't mind my saying that you need to rectify that immediately. The most important thing any writer can do is read - read quality, and plenty of it.

Above all, do not continue to tell yourself that the poems content can be synonomous with its delivery in this context. If you went to listen to a singer and she sang about a stray cat in a laneway, would you expect her to sound like one? And if she did, and put forth the explanation that she was, after all, singing about a stray cat, would it wash with you, or would you want your money back?

coffee_cake

Brilliantly put, Elle, I agree