relationship gone south since baby arrived

LegacyUser

Our newborn is a month and a half and things are just going weird between me and my partner, I cannot for the life of me figure it out but i'll try and explain.

I feel so distant from him, maybe it's my hormones but I feel myself fantasising about other men and having an affair and how nice it would be to escape and feel like a woman (attractive and sexy). I'm nearly in my pre-pregnancy jeans and I do feel really good and attractive but my partner just doesn't have any interest. Doesn't compliment me on my figure or make me feel sexy.
I see him looking at other women and just feel like 'this is it now,this is my life'.. depressing. So an affair is so tempting at the moment, i'm not saying I will act on it but as I said..quite tempting.

It's like we have lost our connection and rejection and resent is setting in thick. I ignore him half the time because I don't have the energy to get attention.

He doesn't really pay much attention to the baby, I do all the night feeds and attend to 99% of her needs and feel he isn't bothered at all to be honest. He holds/ changes feeds the baby if I ask him and thats it. He has not once said 'go to bed for yourself and get a good rest'.

Any parents out there who have been through this?any advice on what to do next?

miec

Hi Op

What was your relationship like before your baby came along?

I did go through a rough patch with my ex husband when our son was born many, many years ago and our marriage broke down pretty quickly after I had my son but it was a problematic relationship beforehand, having a child made it worse.

I do think having a very young child puts pressure on a relationship but I am wondering if both of you are freaked out about being parents, and could you both talk about how scary, weird, odd it is to have a child. It sounds like a culture shock for you both. I think if you get talking with your other half that might help and you may have to be quite assertive in getting him to help you out with night time feeds etc, for instance just say it is your turn to feed the baby or something like that.

yank_in_eire

If you want to stay married I would suggest some couples counselling (that is if you can't just talk to him directly). That way you can get your grievances out in a safe environment with somebody who will guide you to a resolution. Obviously you love(d) the guy enough to have a baby, and that is a tremendously life changing experience (and I should know - I've done it twice!:eek:) but those feelings don't just disappear overnight. A few sessions might just get you 2 over the rough ground.
Well done for getting back into the pre-preg gear though - that takes some serious work!!

LegacyUser

Well we did have a whirlwind relationship before baby. We were fighting so much that we almost called it a day then at 7 months pregnant the arguing stopped.
We were fighting mainly because I was preparing for a baby and he being selfish, going out drinking, doing what he wanted when I didn't think it was fair that I was being left out because I was pregnant.

I have a son from a previous relationship who is 4, but it's all new having two kids and not being a single parent this time and my partner being a first time dad.

As for asking him to do more things, I have always asked him to do things and more than sick of wanting him to do things out of love or use his own brain..
I think there might be underlying issues within the relationship, the more I write the more tangled it's all getting. maybe we're doomed and so be it.

At the moment I feel like packing my bag and leaving on my own, or have an affair..basically some escape from all this crap.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Escapism (whether thats an affair, a holiday, leaving on your own) - its great to dream, but it doesnt solve the problem long term its only a temp respite.

Its clear you guys arent talking effectively anymore, he's elsewhere mentally and in regards to the baby seems to not be rowing in same direction right now.
That causes quite a bit of tension

But you NEED to talk to him not shut down and do the opposite, its not easy but it needs to be done.
Remember he is new to this too, he has had change thrust onto him, his relationship with you and a new person has altered his world.
I'm not saying you dont do the lions share but when talking with him remember that he has this new life change, and he might be overwhelmed, he might not know or the best course of action or how to do it, it might all feel slightly removed to him, BUT you need to talk to him and bear all this in mind, you arent the only one gone through stuff ( again you hold lions share but not a monopoly)
Good luck

yank_in_eire

I'm definitely no role model when it comes to fidelity but I would say avoid the affair. While it might be a great release and pretty exciting in the short term, in the long term it's only going to cause you more trouble.
It sounds like your relationship is in dire shape and you have my sympathies for that - it's a $hit feeling - but one way or another things will get better. Just concentrate on loving the kids and let him sort himself out. If he doesn't at least you'll still have the great relationship with your kids - and let's face it, once the kids arrive it's not about the 2 of you anymore - it's all about giving them the best possible start in life. That can be done as easily on your own as with a partner.