Serenity.....

ger-h

Stopped dead. Lights off. He couldn’t wait to get into the water. The waves, at the end of their existence, drowned out the clunk of the door shutting.
The area was extinct to the human eye, just the way nature intended it. He knew it wasn’t safe but all he wanted was peace.
He quickly scrambled into his scuba gear, his bones rattling him with cold and anticipation. “But I’m a happy lad”. He questioned what he was thinking.

He fumbled in the boot and located his torch.
Paying little attention to safety precautions with the stolen gear; he walked slowly into the emerald water.

It’s too dark; he knew he wouldn’t be able to see once he went under.
Get out; it’s too cold, stop. Please stop.
His brain struggled to turn him around. His heart told him he wouldn’t have to wait long. It would be over soon. All over.
As he got waist deep, doubt crept in. He always loved the sound of silence. The sound of hearing his pulse beat blood around his body. The sound of his every thought; his every worry. Soon he would hear nothing but silence.
As a child he would stick his fingers in his ears, and listen to everything. He could hear peace. He couldn’t live without peace.
Flashbacks to his first experience with water filled his body with confidence as he continued into the water. He craved hearing his pulse. He thought about being under until his chest felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces. The climax of his racing pulse, before he was forced to come up for air, invigorated him. It was God's way of giving everyone a time limit on peace. No one knows what happens with people's mind after they disobey God's time limit.

He waded out to a point where the waves were crushing into his chest and he Could taste the salt burning into his already chapped lips.

He knew he would have to go under. The point of no return...


Hey guys,
I was bored so I made this intro! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance!
Ger

pickarooney

Try not to use the 'water' so many times.

Flashbacks to his first experience with water filled his body with confidence as he continued into the water

It's a bit pointless telling us he had flashbacks if you're not going to detail them. Why is he suddenly filled with confidence.

It's pitch dark but the water appears emerald green.

It's hard to get a proper understanding of the character's frame of mind with sentences like this:

“But I’m a happy lad”. He questioned what he was thinking.

On one hand we have what appears to be a methodical suicide by drowning but on the other there are doubts and positive frames of mind.

IgnatiusJ

Agree with the above. From the first few lines I thought he was getting ready to enjoy a swim, not top himself.

It's a bit overly dramatic. The bits about 'hearing peace' and doubts creeping in go unexplained.

Also, why would you steal scuba gear if you wanted to kill yourself?

norrie rugger

You will have to explain that the water has a bio-luminescent glow; if you wish the water have colour, while still being pitch dark

Oryx

I can't figure out if he is going scuba diving or topping himself.

ger-h

First of all, thanks a million for the replies guys!

I really shouldn't have used emerald green! I dont have a word for the colour that I have in my head, well not yet anyway!

What I wanted to convey was that he was drawn towards suicide, but he is a happy fella and he cant explain why. Almost like he is too naive to really that suicide means the end forever.

I wanted this to be an opening paraghraph, then move backwards to answer all the missing leads (he doesnt kill himself)

I think I need to start again. Again, the feedback was really nice of ya's, I wasnt sure wether I would get slated and it was really constructive so yeah, thanks ::D:D:D:D:D:D

ger-h

norrie rugger wrote: »

You will have to explain that the water has a bio-luminescent glow; if you wish the water have colour, while still being pitch dark

Just re-read/understood that. That's exactly it. Thanks a mil!:D