Miscarraige and lying boyfriend

LegacyUser

I found out my boyfriend had a profile on a dating website in March. It had no photo and he kept insisting it wasn't his. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. In early April he was acting all shifty when a text message came in and put his phone away immediately without checking the message. The sender was a girl's name. I checked his phone and there were messages exchanged with different women who obviously had no idea that my boyfriend was a boyfriend to somebody else. I finished it and I was doing really well. I had cut all contact and I felt really in control and ready to start afresh with time.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I let him know. He was really good about it at first and we decided to give it another go. We went to see a councellor and tried to work out how we were going to bring up a child. It was really scary but exciting as well. We are both in our late thirties and a first child for both of us. That was six weeks ago. Last week his texts and phone calls got more distant and colder. On Wednesday I checked the website I had seen his profile on in March (for the first time since March) and was shocked to see he had been active that very day. I rang him and lost the plot. "How could you do this to a pregnant woman?"etcetc His first reaction, as always, was defensiveness and more lies, while still insisting he wanted to be with me. I felt the world crushing again.....how could I be pregnant with a man who is so untrustworthy?

An hour later (sorry for tmi) I started bleeding. I rang the doctor and hospital and they told me to go in to hospital for reassurance. Even though they were calm and trying to reassure me, I knew by the way they were telling me to go straight into hospital that something was very wrong. I rang my boyfriend around six times leaving messages etc. He didn't reply. Eventually I had to call a friend to bring me in to hospital. He eventually rang me an hour and a half later. As I was going into hospital I noticed he had put a photo up on the online dating profile of himself. I hadn't noticed that earlier. It meant he had done that recently while I was pregnant.

He came in to the hospital and was there in the room when I got the scan. He was there when I was told that my baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and a day. I was inconsolable. i continued to miscarry on Thursday and he was with me for that. It was horrendous and I have to say he was wonderful. I finally had a d&c on Friday morning. He stayed with me the night before, brought me in to hospital, stayed with me all morning and collected me with flowers. He stayed with me that night and I found great comfort with being with him and having his support.

We went for lunch today and he made some flippant remark about a chain I had bought on Thursday to remind me of the baby. I lost it with him and all the anger of the texting and internet profiles etc came out. I was calm but I was angry and made it very clear that the profile had to go. I've been through more than enough at this stage. As always he told me it won't happen again and that he does want to be with me. I got really angry with him on the phone this evening saying I'd had enough, I needed to hear from him constantly at night, in the morning, throughout the day that he cared about me. Otherwise he could go and date one of his women on the websites and leave me to find a man who doesn't lie. He told me he had been aware that he had been neglectful of me and he wanted to change that.

I'm sick of his lies but I'm not strong enough right now to walk away. He deleted the profile this evening and sent me a lovely text. I haven't responded. I'm exhausted and I've a headache from everything. I'm really vulnerable and completely heartbroken. I feel like I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak by staying with him and giving him yet another chance, but I don't feel ready to cut off ties with the baby's father just yet. Our loss is all so raw. I'm hoping and wishing that he is true to his word this time....but I'm not sure I could cope if he did this to me again.......

I don't know what to do guys. What is best for me? This is such a nightmare and I'm so scared of staying with him and at the same time I'm so scared of losing him.

I nearly ran over a kitten this evening in my car. The kitten looked so scared and his little face reminded me of how I feel right now. I was really shook up and crying for about an hour after.

Chinafoot

Can I ask what exactly you think will be different this time? When there was a pregnancy and counselling he was still active on the dating site, to the point where he put up a picture of himself which shows just how little he thinks of you. He knew you were aware of the profile so he knew you'd see his picture. If that's not a massive 'F you' I don't know what is!

I understand that you're grieving and you need to give yourself some time. I don't think, based in all you've told us, that this is a relationship that can work. He's lied so much and proven he can't be trusted. I understand you want to feel connected in some way to the father of your child, but if anything, his behaviour during the pregnancy suggests he didn't feel that connection.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. Think about yourself for now. Leave this dead end relationship and find someone you can trust.

Curry Addict

what a nightmare situation OP. im sorry for your loss.

i hate to have to say that this guy is trouble. hes late 30s and still playing the field, even though hes supposedly with you. hes also doing it in an open and clumbsy way, how dumb and utterly ignorant and disrespectfull. his emotional support may be a help right now but actions speek volumes and id worry he wont be there for you for long.

surround yourself with family and friends and try to put this episode behind you.

LegacyUser

I kinda know what you're going through losing the baby, same thing happened to me about 4 years ago with this guy who was a complete ass and I thought that I needed him to be there for me the whole time and that I couldn't get through the day without him.
As I said he was an ass and wasn't there at all even though he suffered the loss too. I got through it completely and came out the other side a stronger woman.
He's still an idiot and he always will be but I'm much better off without him and have a great guy now and things are great.
As they will be for you OP, just hang on in there. You be strong and you can get through this, you don't need him.

Dravokivich

I don't think he's lying.

To me it looks clear that he has very little interest in being in a relationship you are looking to hold onto. If he had a profile on a dating site, that tells me he was starting to look for something else. He was only with you through the start of the pregnancy because it's considered the done thing. He was with you in the hospital because he understood that was also going to be a hard time for you.

Sooner or later he was going to come back to "I don't actually want to be with you," which is why he started withdrawing again.

In my opinion, you found out in the worst possible way and with the worst set of circumstances and outcome, but you really shouldn't let yourself get hung up on the bloke. Finally call an end to it. If you've noticed the profile in March, it's possible he's been looking to finish it up for quite some time before that...

Chinafoot

Dravokivich wrote: »

I don't think he's lying.

To me it looks clear that he has very little interest in being in a relationship you are looking to hold onto. If he had a profile on a dating site, that tells me he was starting to look for something else. He was only with you through the start of the pregnancy because it's considered the done thing. He was with you in the hospital because he understood that was also going to be a hard time for you.

Sooner or later he was going to come back to "I don't actually want to be with you," which is why he started withdrawing again.

In my opinion, you found out in the worst possible way and with the worst set of circumstances and outcome, but you really shouldn't let yourself get hung up on the bloke. Finally call an end to it. If you've noticed the profile in March, it's possible he's been looking to finish it up for quite some time before that...

Scurrying around on dating sites, exchanging messages with women he met through said website and then denying it to his girlfriend when rumbled is lying. He then did it again while they were seeing a counsellor and dealing with the pregnancy. When rumbled this time he lied about it again. He's telling her he wants to be with her yet his behaviour would lead anyone with an ounce of cop on to see he's lying. How you can actually tell the OP he's not lying is mind boggling.

OP, walk away. I don't mean to sound harsh but you only got back together because of the pregnancy and this is no longer going to be a reality for you so grab this opportunity to get this lying, pathetic excuse for a man out of your life for good and start focusing on you.

I am a friend

Numb22 wrote: »

I'm so scared of losing him.

I am so sorry for your loss......

Pet, there is no losing here cos you dont have him and you dont want him. He is not loyal and not honest and not a nice guy. You deserve to have kids with a nice guy.... Please let him loose. He will only bring you down. Its time to concentrate on you and let him off. He is bad bad news.

Mind yourself.

xx

greengiant09

sorry for your loss OP but i think it's better you hear the truth no matter how bad it feels right now. it will be in your best interests in the long run.

this guy is bad news.....and don't even think he will change. he has consistently focked you over and will continue to do so. you've had countless warning signs which you've chosen to ignore or forgive. you need to get your head clear and think rationally.

you'd be an absolute fool to continue a relationship with him. he obviously doesn't want a serious relationship with you. he only showed temporary moments of kindness out of guilt.

i'm sure you would know exactly what you'd say to a friend in a similar position, so why treat yourself any different??

obviously, you're head's all over the place....take some time out for yourself and make a rational decision. it would be completely illogical to stay with him.

LegacyUser

I feel so sorry for you and what you are dealing with. Can I give you one piece of advice say good bye to your lying boyfriend.
A few years ago I saw a friend of mine get involved with a guy like yours. He was immature and had to be the center of attention. She stayed with him for a long time but she finely realised that he was not going to change.
She moved on and meet a nice decent guy, married him and she is expecting her 1st baby now.
Life can and does get better.

tara2

oh you poor poor thing,course ur in bits,losing a baby is one of the hardest thing to go tru{i lost 3} you really need to talk to some1 about all this.uv far to mush going on in ur head rite now to deal with on ur own,this guy may have bn some support after u lost the baby but from my experience "some" support isnt enough u need lots and lots of it and u need to trust ur partner if u dont have that how will it work? take my advice and dont get pregnant to fast after losing this little one if u do it will only put more pressure on ur relationship,ye really need to talk about everything coz no matter what has happend hes the dad to the little baby ye lost,but dont 4get that trust is earned and he really should be earning urs x

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's using you until he finds something "better". He thinks he can do better than you but keeps you around for his moments of doubt in himself

If he can't be trsuted to be there for you whilst you're pregnant how could you trust him in any kind of relationship situation.

Go back to the energy you had when you first split. Lean on friends and family for support about losing your baby. Maybe a professional too if you think that would help.

LegacyUser

Funny that this thread seemed to come back up again yesterday. Thanks Tara 2!

I finished for good hopefully with my boyfriend yesterday morning. Hoping I'll reamain strong even though I feel really weak. He had, infact , been great and very supportive for the two weeks after the miscarriage and we appeared to be turning a corner. We had a lovely weekend together where he told me a few times that he loved me unpromted. But he didn't return a call the night before last and gave me a pathetic excuse the next day. It was too much for me. I sent him an email that I'd actually written to myself about my feelings and thoughts of what had happened. I told him in the email that I felt it was for the best for our relationship to end. He was quite accepting (or possibly relieved...I don't know). This all happened through text! How casual!

Anyway...I am so sad.I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Everything I read about coping with a miscarriage says to get your partner to support you. I don't have that. He'll probably claim that I broke up with him over an unreturned phone call. Obviously his family and friends don't know about the internet dating and lying. He still doesn't feel what he did was that wrong.

Thank you all for your sympathies. I really miss the baby and I hope the baby is supporting me through all of this and helping me make the right decisions.

I spent all day yesterday wondering did I make a mistake. Am I too fragile at the moment to finish a relationship? I miss him so much. I just want to tell him about the little things happening in my day. He gave me a sense of normality these past few weeks. Now I'm just sitting around thinking about him, how badly he treated me, how great he can be, and the miscarriage.

I don't even know what I'm dealing with. One minute I'm crying because I've another failed relationship behind me, the next I'm crying because I miss the plans for the baby. I'm dreading the due date. I'm dreading Christmas! I thought I'd have a baby at Christmas and everybody would be fussing over the two of us...

I just want a good man to come into my life. A man where I don't have to wonder and ask questions. A man who can be trusted and relied on. Its not that difficult to be that person. Maybe my baby, my guardian angel will send him my way.

Thanks again for your advice guys. Its very hard to hear people saying that he does not love me. I think he does but he's just a very immature man. They are his issues not any more, sadly I couldn't fix him.

gargleblaster

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this on top of the miscarriage. I can't even imagine how you must feel.

That said, you do need to put him behind you and dwelling on how supposedly great he was when he was pretending to be a nice person is not helping you. Neither is dwelling on the plans you had.

I wish I could put my arm around you and give you a squeeze and take you out for some kind of activity you liked, to get your mind off of these things. Is there any hobby you've thought about but haven't tried? I think it would be great for you if you distracted yourself by diving headfirst into something that could occupy your mind and maybe even wear you out physically so that you're too tired once you get home to sit around and dwell on the past. Something like martial arts or hiking would be my top choices but even something as calm as knitting might help too. Just anything to get your mind off it.

You poor dear, please spend some time on yourself. Let the past be behind you and try looking up, your best days are still ahead of you.

LegacyUser

Thanks gargle I love that...'the best days are still ahead of you"!

I'm throwing myself into a gym program and its giving me a sense of purpose. I know its the right thing to do and the best advice anyone can give me. Its the same advice I give my girlfriends when they've had their hearts broken. I hate to be a constant moany cow but I should have been nearly 14 weeks pregnant now and taking it easy

paperclip2

Numb22 wrote: »

Thanks gargle I love that...'the best days are still ahead of you"!
I hate to be a constant moany cow but I should have been nearly 14 weeks pregnant now and taking it easy

You aren't being a 'moany cow' hun. You've been through a double loss, something pretty horrific and talking about it is a healthy way of dealing with it, much better than trying to keep it all in. Gargleblasters advice is on the money. Be nice to yourself. Distraction is great, especially when it tires you out enough to rest. It will take time to get back to 'normal' and that recovery will come at its own pace so try to go with it. On the days you need to cry then cry, even if you feel you should be over it all loss can still catch you unawares. Take care.

gargleblaster

I'd just like to second what Paperclip said. You are NOT a moany cow, you have just had your heart broken twice over, there isn't any reason at all to expect yourself to just bounce back and brush it off.

Let yourself feel the hurt when it comes, just try not to let it overwhelm you. If you bottle it up it will only keep coming back (I know this very well!) Above all else be kind to yourself. Take care ok? (hug)

I am a friend

Numb22 wrote: »

I finished for good hopefully with my boyfriend yesterday morning. Hoping I'll reamain strong even though I feel really weak.

You are strong pet You have gotten this far (big hugs)....

Numb22 wrote: »

I am so sad.I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Everything I read about coping with a miscarriage says to get your partner to support you. I don't have that.

Allow yourself to feel sad. You have been through a horrendous sad and shocking time and thats sadly the fact of the matter. Feel sad as much as you want and until you no longer feel as sad.... You have us here to support you? What about your family and friends?

Numb22 wrote: »

He'll probably claim that I broke up with him over an unreturned phone call. Obviously his family and friends don't know about the internet dating and lying.

Well if they start to give you grief, tell them... He doesnt deserve to have his sad secrets kept for him...

Numb22 wrote: »

He still doesn't feel what he did was that wrong.

Excuses and trying to turn it round on you...

Numb22 wrote: »

Thank you all for your sympathies. I really miss the baby and I hope the baby is supporting me through all of this and helping me make the right decisions.

Of course the baby is. You will be well minded from now on. I promise

Numb22 wrote: »

I spent all day yesterday wondering did I make a mistake.

You know you didnt pet...

Numb22 wrote: »

Am I too fragile at the moment to finish a relationship? I miss him so much.

Of course you do cos he was in your life for so long but he was also brinigng a lot of stress and hassle into your life so you are much better off without him.. You know that though..

Numb22 wrote: »

I don't even know what I'm dealing with. One minute I'm crying because I've another failed relationship behind me, the next I'm crying because I miss the plans for the baby. I'm dreading the due date. I'm dreading Christmas! I thought I'd have a baby at Christmas and everybody would be fussing over the two of us...

Well maybe it wont be this Xmas but you will have a baby for Xmas some day and with a man you could send into a brothel and not worry if he would cheat on you. Thats what you deserve and need. Keep that in mind..

Numb22 wrote: »

I just want a good man to come into my life. A man where I don't have to wonder and ask questions. A man who can be trusted and relied on. Its not that difficult to be that person. Maybe my baby, my guardian angel will send him my way.

Trust it will happen but for this to happen you need to be free to meet him....

Numb22 wrote: »

Thanks again for your advice guys. Its very hard to hear people saying that he does not love me. I think he does but he's just a very immature man. They are his issues not any more, sadly I couldn't fix him.

You shouldnt have to fix him. He is a grown adult. If he wants to act like an Ahole then its his problem and he needs to fix it...

Chin up. Cry all you want and lean on friends and family. Have you tried the isands website?

Mind yourself xx

LegacyUser

Thank you 'I am a friend"

How kind of you all to read and respond to my posts.

I have two friends who have been great. I never told my parents or family and that hurts a lot. My parents are wonderful and I miss their support. But I know they will feel a huge sadness and grief and I don't want to upset them.

I wrote a letter to the baby today and posted it in the Ladies Lounge in this thread

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056081109


It hasn't been published yet because I went anonymously again. I hate being anonymous but obviously since my parents don't know, I'm limited as to who I should tell

I've cried a lot today.

Between the crying and the letter, I think I feel better. I haven't heard from my boyfriend for two days. Nothing. I guess it's for the best because it's forcing me to deal with the miscarriage.

I'm going to the gym now with a headache from all the tears....

I hope everybody is having a nice day. My baby says thanks for helping her heartbroken mum x