Being second best

naasface

I've been with my boyf for 6 months but I'm mad about him. When we started seeing each other he said he wasnt ready for a relationship, I was grand with that but we fell in love and now we are moving in with each other. He tells me he loves me but his past haunts me.

He's older than me (6 yrs). He lived in a different country for 5 years and had 2 girlfriends over there, the second girlfriend was more significant they were together 2.5 yrs. He always talks about his time in X. He has confessed to me that he's really unhappy with his job and life here. But he cant and doesnt want to emigrate (he says) out of guilt to his family.

I found loads of reminders of her all over the house, photos, notes cards etc and asked him to hide them as they upset me. Fair to let him keep them as memories or whatever but not in plain sight thanks. He said ok.

About a month later I came back to get his passport for him to go out as he was in work and I was off. I rooted around everywhere and in the second drawer was more and the same stuff still there.

Eventually he did when I left it lying out for him to see when we got in. He got angry and threw the stuff out or in a box.

Obviously I have insecurities about HER. She was over about a week after we first kissed back in October and they stayed together in his for a week she kept putting off her flight back home.

He has hundreds of pictures of her in his ipod.

Yesterday he left his fbook up and i went into his messages and saw a stream of them to each other. And it was all him. It was mild but he wanted to see her recently when she was over with her new bf and she said no it would be weird. So obv shes over him. He had told me he didnt want to see her as it would be weird (lies).

He was incredibly negative about his life here. He said he had met someone and that 'that was a problem too' and that it was complicated.
She said 'at least you have someone to cheer u up'. His response was ' hhhmm not very funny, but nice'

He says he's over her just not his time in that country and he's unhappy.
But I feel like second best. He says he loves me but I don't believe him

DangerMouse27

It sounds like he is placing you second best alright although i wouldnt jump to conclusions just yet. It sounds like maybe she dumped him and the trauma was so great that he clings to the photos and messages even though its quite clear the relationship is over.
He must realise that your the relationship and if you feel he is acting wrong, maybe its time to see if this is really what you want?
What sounds like your setting yourself up for a lifetime with a man you do not really understand or do not trust is not good. Id suggest for you to take the lead and get back in the driving seat. Your the key and not him...you say what goes..its your life.

MagicMarker

OP, if I were in your position, I'd walk. And I certainly would not be moving in with guy.

Marina-anseo

I was second best in my 2 year relationship. We broke up after the first 5 months because of her and then got back together after a month when he convinced me he had made a huge mistake.
On our 2 year anniversary he was annoyed at me for spending time with my sister (whom I rarely see) instead of just him and decided to annoy me.
Brought up that woman again and how he isnt with her because he can't be not because he doesn't want to be. How her family are so much better than mine etc. So needless to say I broke up with him shortly afterwards.
Two years of being second best, trust me you don't want that insecurity.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

spinandscribble

Don't you deserve to be someone's number one OP? I don't know why I asked that because tbh everyone deserves to be their bfs/gfs number one. I guess I wonder if its your self esteem thats keeping you with this guy. It will lower it if you do stay with him I think.

You'll never be with him. Some might say hold on to him, hold his hand until he's fully over her, wait blah blah blah but I'm sorry thats not how it works. if you set yourself up in that position you'll always just be the band aid to his last breakup.