Parenting skills undermined constantly by father in law ...

LegacyUser

Hi there

Hope somebody can give me some advice. My in-laws look after my two kids while my wife and I go to work. We both work full-time, and - because we have just sold our own house and are looking to buy a new house right now - we are actually staying with them in their house for the next couple of weeks. Now, I should stress that both of my in-laws are extremely obliging and nice people, but I have a serious problem with one issue: my father-in-law is constantly making comments which implicitly undermine my parenting skills.

Example: if I am bringing my 4-year-old for a walk. I'd judge the weather conditions and put on what I consider to be an appropriate coat. Cue the father in law commenting that the young lad needs a warmer jacket. Or, if I take the boy out for a 9.30pm stroll in the pram to help him get to sleep, a remark will be passed to suggest that this is a bad habit to be getting into.

Whilst I have mentioned this to my wife, she refuses to back me up, and it turns into an argument whereby she defends her father and I defend myself. All of this is making me feel totally unsupported. Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated because I am
getting very close to losing my cool with all adults concerned, and I am only a house- guest to make matters worse ...

tenchi-fan

Op. Chill.

Your father in law is the child's grandfather and it's great to see he is taking such an interest and being so generous towards you.

I'm sure you'll agree he raised your wife and she turned out pretty well. And now he thinks he's an authority. He's only human.

If he says the child needs a warmer jacket, let him put on a warmer jacket. As for the stroll in the pram.. it probably is a bad habit. My sister decided against buying her baby a rocking cradle because once she puts it in a bed it won't sleep because the bed won't rock.

Don't take it personally, see if you can learn anything, ignore unwarranted criticism and be thankful your child has a grandfather.

metrovelvet

+1 to above. Its typical grand parents stuff. Be happy your child has one.

Some of our kids don't have any grandads.

omahaid

Surprising she wouldnt back you up OP. Some women never leave go of the "my daddy is best" attitude even to the extent of where their relationships suffer, is this the case here?

Miss Fluff

Agree with sentiments above.Sounds like he has your kids best interests at heart and sounds like you are overreacting tbh.

Firetrap

Try not to take it personally. It's unlikely he means any harm. Besides, you are going to be in on his floor for a few weeks which can't be easy. Just grit your teeth and don't say anything you'll regret.

LegacyUser

OP here again

Thanks for your replies guys. You're both right in that my boys are blessed to have such involved grandparents. My problem is trying to bite my lip on a practically daily basis at comments that imply that I'm an idiot. I am particularly sensitive to this because I have been extremely busy at work recently and haven't been spending as much time with my boys as I'd have liked. That's why comments suggesting I've dressed them inappropriately or am feeding them the wrong foods, or am developing an unwise pattern irk me so much. I don't know if it's a psychological thing, but the comments always feel more wounding when made on "away territory", in the in-laws house, as opposed to in my own house.

Thanks again for your responses. It is nice to get some objective feedback ...

MagicMarker

None of what you say sounds like he is undermining your parenting skills tbh.

Kimia

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I'd be annoyed too. Just because he's your father in law doesn't entitle him to stick his oar in everytime you do something with your son. And anyway, what if the OP wasn't living with his in-laws, oh my god shock horror he'd have to raise his son on his own with his wife without interference!!

It sounds like a very irritating environment. I'm sure the stress of getting somewhere to live and worrying about your own place isn't helping either , it's horrible to be in limbo like that, feeling beholden to your in laws as if you have to be eternally grateful and meek.

I'd just be assertive. Next time he pipes up, just say 'Thanks for your advise, I think I'm ok though'. If he pushes it (which I doubt he will - he may not realise he's doing it) - just repeat until he backs off. He'll get the message, after all he had a father in law himself back in the day, so if he's a nice enough bloke underneath it all, standing up to him is the best way to go.

iguana

I can see both sides of this. Of course what he is doing is irritating, and the best way to deal with it is to find a way to politely but firmly "ignore" certain opinions. For example if your father-in-law says a pre-bed walk is a bad idea as it will create a habit, you could say that you know it could create a habit, but in fact a pre-bed walk is your idea of a lovely night-time ritual that you would actually love to foster. Say it in a polite cheery way, so you don't come across as petulant.

Additionally occasionally give him little "victories" so he knows that you very much appreciate his experience and the huge favour they are doing you by having you all as guests and caring for your son when you are working. In fact, take the time to actually tell him that, he is doing you a massive favour at the moment and he did raise your daughter, so obviously does get a lot right.

I'd go along with what iguana said above, but with one caveat - which is a question.

Does he make similar remarks to your wife?

Grandparents can be like that, and as long as they're being even-handed about it then it's not worth falling out over. Good and interested grandparents are worth their weight in gold.

Curry Addict

StressedOutDad wrote: »

OP here again
I am particularly sensitive to this because I have been extremely busy at work recently and haven't been spending as much time with my boys as I'd have liked. ...

ive noticed in my family that the parents that work hard in stressfull jobs dont interact with their children as well as those that dont work in general.
i think its because the working parents find it harder to move from adult world to the childs world which is understandable. them being more tired and having much less disposable time and more used to getting an instant reaction from communication.

Chinafoot

Op, you seem to be very conscious of not spending as much time with your kids as you'd like. Do you think that, because of this, there's a possibility that you're seeing criticism and undermining behaviour from your father-in-law where there is none intended?

You have to remember that your kids are with their grandparents for mist of their day. Both sides there will have set ways of doing things, certain routines. Yes its not nice to feel like an outsider in your child's life, but its also unfair to direct your feelings of parental inadequacy towards the man who is most likely only trying to help. I think if you're really honest with yourself you'll see that you're overreacting to things.