From far away

Tchaikovsky

Hi all
I'm currently working in South America, where I've been for over 3 months now. I've decided to post here as I am currently desperate.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression 5 years ago and was placed on medication, coupled with a few trips to the counsellor in my college.
Last December, in consultation with my doctor, I decided to gradually come off the medication before my departure from Ireland so that by the time I arrived here, I would be fully off them. My line of thinking was that I was ready to go without tablets as I was moving to a new life far away, with a job and new friends.
On the face of it, I seem to be doing pretty well- I have a job, a busy social life, good friends, I live in a nice part of Santiago, I'm planning on travelling in July and I'm improving my Spanish.. but I feel dead inside. I can't seem to appreciate the positives in my life, I compare myself negatively to others and I have such a low opinion of myself that I might as well not exist.
Self-confidence has always been a killer for me and I have no idea how to get it and/or develop it. I've always been shy and quiet, but even shy and quiet people get on in life and fulfill their potential. Deep down I know I'm not fulfilling my potential- I'm 26 and I feel like I'm over the hill already, with nothing to show for it.
I know some Irish nuns who live here and they referred me to a doctor who has prescribed me anti-depressants once more. It feels like a defeat, but it's what I've got to hang on for right now. I've been taking them for a week and half now but I seem to be getting worse; my mental pain is manifesting itself in physical pain- I get sore stomachs and nerve twitches. Today has been awful and I've spent most of it in bed as I have no energy. I went out with a local girl last night in the hope that it would take my mind off things, but it's just exacerbated everything; I realise I don't deserve love or companionship.
I don't really have anyone to talk to here about how I'm feeling- I couldn't articulate my pain to the doctor in Spanish and he had limited English, so it was awkward; I don't want to burden anyone with my problems and I fear that my job might be affected if I were to go to my boss.
I can't go back to Ireland- the thought alone makes me feel even worse. I have a contract here until December, but the one-way tickets from here to Ireland are just so expensive that I can't afford them right now. I don't miss Ireland much; I miss my family and friends of course, but this is what I wanted to do- I just can't escape from my own mind.
I think the city I'm living in seems to be having a negative affect on me aswell; it's so big and there are so many people on the streets and on the metro, so much noise and pollution- it's just a sensory overload that I'm not used to.
I'm sorry if all this sounds convoluted, but I needed to get this off my chest on this day of all days when I feel helpless.
Thank you so much for reading

tenchi-fan

Maybe have a chat with the Irish nuns?
You could ask to join them in prayers for a while.

This is all wrong.

• "I'm 26 and I feel like I'm over the hill already, with nothing to show for it.
• I compare myself negatively to others and I have such a low opinion of myself that I might as well not exist. "
• "Today has been awful and I've spent most of it in bed as I have no energy."

This is the truth:

Luke 12:22-29
And He said to His disciples, "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing? Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying.

dudara

@techni-fan Please try to stick to factual advice. The spiritual advice is a personal thing that is not appreciated by everyone.

dudara

MagicMarker

Hi OP, did the doc over there prescribe the same meds that you were taking before you left? I assume different anti-depressants, while serving the same purpose, may have different effects on the body. So it might be worth sticking to what you know.

Other than that I can only suggest trying to see a therapist over there, there's bound to English speaking ones somewhere!!

gigity gigity

Op, after reading this I am very concerned about your state of mind I think that you should get back home asap and be with people who care about you. Screw the contract.
You mention that you have a busy social life but are you doing things you actually enjoy with people you actually like or are you just going along for the sake of it?

tenchi-fan

Sorry!

Op, I have a feeling you went to South America to experience a new vibrant, fun and maybe even spiritual life where it wasn't all a 9-5 and where you didn't need your meds anymore... and then discovered that a big city abroad is even dirtier, lonelier and more crowded than back home.

The same people who loved Sydney will love Toronto. You're not one of them. Neither am I!

The good news is Ireland is just as you left it.
The bad news is... Ireland is just as you left it.

Don't hurry back. I'm sure South America isn't all like Santiago and there are plenty of places where you can get lost and take a break from the developed world and contemplate things by yourself. I don't know if you can do this alone (your counsellor should be able to give you some advice), but at some stage you will need to develop self-confidence, self-respect and a sense of self-worth, and stop being so hard on yourself. Then you will be comfortable no matter what your surroundings are.

cafecolour

First off, I'll assume it's winter there. That always has a significant effect on me. Def make sure you're getting out into the little sun you have as much as possible.

Big cities also have that effect on me. Try and get out of the city a bit on the weekends. Make a plan to visit a nearby town or the countryside this weekend. It can be an amazing mood lifter.

How do you feel you aren't 'fulfilling your potential'? To be blunt - are you sure you just don't have some impossible fantasies?

I'd guess that you're spending too much time in your own head, obsessing over 'big picture' issues, that just bring you down. I've been guilty of the same. Try and work on doing it less. For instance, make Spanish flashcards, and focus on them when your head starts to drift. Make sure you get out of your room as much as possible, and pay attention to the city around you. I like to write mental descriptions of the people/buildings in my vicinity, to force myself to pay attention to the now, and not daydream.

Finally, I'm not sure, but I think a lot of anti-depressants take about 4-6 weeks to kick in.

foxinsox

Hi OP..

Firstly, here's a big hug from an aul one on the internet

A few things struck me in your post:

It is not a defeat to go back on anti-depressants, some people need them, there is no defeat there at all.

Anti-depressants can take 6 - 8 weeks to kick in to their full potential.
Different brands/types have different effects on different people.
The nerve twitches could be a side effect of the tablets, I've had that before and the only way I can describe it is like a brain shiver, not nice but they usually pass.

Some medication don't agree with some people so maybe get in touch with your doctor in Ireland, to check if maybe you could be prescribed the same one in SA.

Go back and have a chat with one of the nuns, you don't have to be religious, I'm sure they will help you out, as it seems they already have. Even to have a chat about how you are feeling, getting it out can sometimes be a help in itself.

Also maybe ask one of the nuns to go to the doctor with you, I'm sure they have fluent Spanish and would be willing to help you, or ask them to help you find a counsellor there.

Try and walk briskly for at least half an hour each day, I know this can feel like the most impossible thing in the world to do, but please force yourself to do it. It will help. Try and make sure you are eating properly. No alcohol at all.

Lastly, if you feel that you want to come home, don't be ashamed to give up your job and return to Ireland where your family and friends are. Ireland is not great at the moment, but your happiness and well being is more important than any job

I lived in several countries over the past few years and I always remember my mother saying to me "You always take yourself with you!"
I spent years thinking a different place will make me happy, it took me a while to cop on, but it was inside me that needed to change, not my surroundings.

Please call home or chat to one of the nuns again, I'd say you will feel better after talking, and even after posting your story here I hope it makes you feel a bit better.

I hope you feel a bit better soon.
Take care of yourself.

Johnny Favourite

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Maybe have a chat with the Irish nuns?
You could ask to join them in prayers for a while.

This is all wrong.



This is the truth:

Excuse me!!! Where is the ban?? I am disgusted this zealot didn't even get a yellow card. Disgusted...

Ickle Magoo

Johnny Favourite, it is a basic tenet of Boards not to argue moderation on-thread.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Tchaikovsky

Thanks so much for the advice guys.

To clear a few things up, I have spoken to the nuns about how I've been feeling and as one of them works in the local hospital, she brought me to their regular doctor and he prescribed me the same medication I was on in Ireland (different brand). I have 2 friends from home who are living here aswell, and I've made some great friends since I've got here. In fact, I've been out the past 4 nights and I play football every Monday, along with regularly going running and on long walks. I went to visit a friend in Valparaiso last weekend, which is a smaller city on the coast.. none of these things have helped my state of mind. I need to cut out my alcohol consumption, but it's such a hard thing to do here if I want to get out of the house in the evening and socialize. It's kind of ironic that for the first time in my life I have a solid basis of friends and companions, I've never felt lonelier.
I'm not a particularly religious person in the institutionalised sense, but I am spiritual and I would pop into a church from time to time to think about things.
I really don't want to go home; I can't go back to being on the dole and living with my parents. My sense of self-worth would drop below zero if that were the case.
With regards to 'fulfilling my potential'- I don't think I'm doing what I enjoy. My job here is becoming a drudge and I'm willing the holidays to come. I think my talent lies in art and creative stuff but I have a huge fear of putting myself out there and actually doing what I enjoy.
I'm just so confused and sad right now

Tchaikovsky

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

I have a huge fear of putting myself out there and actually doing what I enjoy.

That kind of fear can be awful and hard to conquer. But imagine if you decided to do what you enjoy and it went OK. How much of a buzz would that be?

They say that we never regret the things we've done half as much as the things we never got around to doing.

Sorry to hear you're feeling sad and confused. All the best.

tenchi-fan

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

In fact, I've been out the past 4 nights and I play football every Monday, along with regularly going running and on long walks. I went to visit a friend in Valparaiso last weekend, which is a smaller city on the coast.. none of these things have helped my state of mind.

They should. You're "living". Most people would killed to have done what you're doing by the time they turned 30.

The one thing I will say is take some time for yourself. Not everything has to be a group activity, or an activity designed to take your mind off "loneliness." Because it seems when you take a day off, you feel depressed that you "wasted" a day in bed.

I can't explain this very well, but there's a chance you are too intelligent. That's why you overanalyse things, and set impossibly high standards, and feel you're not living up to your own standards. Because you're your own worst enemy when you think like this. Starting tomorrow, try to think and speak using only positive language.

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

I need to cut out my alcohol consumption, but it's such a hard thing to do here if I want to get out of the house in the evening and socialize. It's kind of ironic that for the first time in my life I have a solid basis of friends and companions, I've never felt lonelier.

The alcohol is a bigger problem than you probably realise. It causes depression. The highs might be nice, but they are ALWAYS followed by lows. I'd think it's better to trek along at mediocre than maintain a social dependence on booze. Santiago is your chance to change a few things about yourself, I think this is a good place to start.

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

I'm not a particularly religious person in the institutionalised sense, but I am spiritual and I would pop into a church from time to time to think about things.

I thought you might have been when you mentioned that you were open to talking to nuns. The mod warning was justified, but I could have clumsily paraphrased the chapter and slipped under the radar. I'm sure you understand the sentiment...

There is no pressure on you to accumulate possessions, marry, earn a large salary or even to work at something you enjoy.. honestly, work fewer hours, spend less money, and use your free time doing what you enjoy as a hobby!

And there's no time frame. You're probably thinking "If I was 21 again I'd do things different"...Next time you're talking to someone who's 30, tell them you feel old and hear what they have to say.. usually it goes something like "oh, If I was 26 again I'd go back to college... but I left it too late now, I missed the boat." Sound familiar?

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

I really don't want to go home; I can't go back to being on the dole and living with my parents. My sense of self-worth would drop below zero if that were the case.

Why are you thinking about what might go wrong? When your mind is focussed on something, it will happen. Focus your thoughts on what you'd like to happen, not on what you don't want to happen.
Also, it really wouldn't be the end of the world if you had to move home. It would be a cure for your homesickness and it would only be temporary.

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

With regards to 'fulfilling my potential'- I don't think I'm doing what I enjoy. My job here is becoming a drudge and I'm willing the holidays to come. I think my talent lies in art and creative stuff but I have a huge fear of putting myself out there and actually doing what I enjoy.
I'm just so confused and sad right now

Once you learn to eliminate fears and insecurities from your mind you will be able to focus on great things. What do you think you want? Then ask "do I REALLY want this. Why?" If it still sounds good, ask yourself "How do I achieve it".

When you learn to stop mentally beating yourself up, your mind will actually work in overdrive to put your plan into action. Nothing will be impossible.

Babooshka

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

I need to cut out my alcohol consumption, but it's such a hard thing to do here if I want to get out of the house in the evening and socialize.

Hi there....I get down myself sometimes and while no expert on the subject or a medic, I would strongly urge you to stop drinking for a bit and let the meds work without other stimulants affecting your brain. That much I think is chemical regardless of any differing views of depression being a chemical condition or otherwise, alcohol simply messes with your head. If you're socialising/drinking a lot it's probably going to ruin the chances of the anti depressants taking hold and being as effective as they could be.

Easy for me to say though as I'm not you! But to give yourself a chance would you think of non-alcoholic beers when out, you might be surprised how it will lift your mood, enough to begin to feel a lot better in a couple of months? Just a thought, best of luck with all, hope you feel better soon. B