Am I wrong to be mad?

LegacyUser

My girl & I have been together for 7 months, and when it's good - it's great! Having said that, we've certanaly had our share of tough moments...
She comes from a very strict religious background - however, these are the times, and many of her siblings & cousins have left the flock and live their lives the way we do (trust me, when I say religious, picture Amish people).
For some God-unknown reason, her one cousin absolutely despises me - she has it in her head that I'm a player & a cheater... On Easter she spent a good 2 hours alone with my girl begging her to dump me - trying to brainwash any bit of insecurity my girl has and make it blossom into a suspicion... Of course, my girl had questions when she came home with her head full of these new "ideas"...
It took a while, but eventually I ironed out most of this crap - because I'm NOT cheating... I was just cheated on in my last relationship, and I know how bad it sucks!
Yesterday, I had an opportunity to confront this cousin... But when I found out she wasn't stopping by alone, I told my girlfriend that I was gonna confront this cousin & tell her to stop making crap up & if she has something to say, don't say it behind my back...
My girl almost started in tears, begging me not to start crap with her family... I tried defending myself saying that all I was doing was standing up for myself - but we made a pact... If I let it slide, she promised to put her cousin "in her place" as I worded it the next time they spoke.
Her cousin came to my place, and I quietly passed her the item she came for & I walked away. I kept my end of the deal...
Moments later, they started texting eachother - and my girl asked her cousin if I gave her any "attitude", and her cousin replied "no, it was just awkward" then the cousin asked "he hates me, doesn't he".......
NOW... this would have been the PERFECT time to reply back something like "do you blame him?".... But nooooooo.... Her reply... "oh don't worry, he'll get over it - he's just like that"
What do y'all think of that folks, is that sounding like a reason to leave this relationship?

Kimia

My first question is how do you know that the cousin spent 2 hours interrogating your girlfriend and saying terrible things about you? Did your girlfriend tell you that? I wonder why she felt the need to tell you all the negative things her cousin was saying, especially because it can be assumed that (as you're not a bad person and you don't know this cousin) this cousin is just giving your girlfriend the 'be careful' talk as she would when any new boyfriend comes on the scene. Why would your girlfriend say this if she was confident in your love for her? That says to me that you should be annoyed with your girlfriend for listening to nonsense and not trusting you.

I understand your frustration if this cousin is (for whatever reason) badmouthing you. It's not nice and you shouldn't have to put up with it, so my advise on that is to say nothing and act indifferent towards her until she does something in your presence. Then I would (calmly and politely) explain that her words/actions are offensive, you don't appreciate them and you would be much obliged if she would keep her negativity to herself. That won't get you in any trouble with anyone, it's standing up for yourself in a calm way.

There will always be people who don't like you. Sometimes for genuine reasons and sometimes for no reason. The point is it doesn't really matter, what matters is what those closest to you think. That's why I'd be annoyed with your girlfriend. Instead of putting her cousin in her place and standing up for you, she came home and questioned you relentlessly using the excuse of her cousin's hatred of you (nice).

Finally, the way your girlfriend replied dismissively to her cousin makes me suspect that the cousin may have been scapegoated here.. Perhaps your girlfriend is very insecure and needed some valid (in her eyes) excuse in order to question your feelings for her and this cousin was the way in. I wouldn't like such manipulation in my own relationship tbh.

spinandscribble

I agree with kimia, sounds to me like the cousin is the scapegoat. shes having irrational thoughts and she realises you wouldn't put up with them except for the notion maybe her "wacky" family planted them there.

I've experienced the same thing with a ex, scapegoating people so they wouldn't get blamed, from thoughts to behaviour. It might be hard to believe your gf is doing this, I know it took me awhile to cop on.

doesn't it seem odd the cousin is supposedly acting this way?

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, the notion of her using her cousin's paranoia to answer her own questions never really occured to me...
To answer back a few other questions asked:
She told me about what her cousin said because after Easter I could really tell something was off... She was being recluse and upset... It took me a bit to get the story out of her and now that I'm seeing this in new light - maybe it was all just an act. I'm totally new to the dating scene... I married very young & have been in the same relationship for 17 years before meeting this girl. She's young & beautiful... And FUN! When things are good, they're GREAT... But I kinda got used to being treated badly in my marriage, and I'm not sure how much I should put up with... I really don't wanna be alone

After my GF got home last night, I asked her what all was discussed after the cousin stopped by our place, and she pretty bluntly told me... I was floored.. We've barely spoke since yesterday... I'm still fuming mad that she didn't 'have my back'... I'm habit a very hard time "getting over it", as I have a hard time letting stuff like this go... Do you think I should, or stand & fight?

LegacyUser

My first question is how do you know that the cousin spent 2 hours interrogating your girlfriend and saying terrible things about you? Did your girlfriend tell you that?

Kimia wrote: »

I wonder why she felt the need to tell you all the negative things her cousin was saying, especially because it can be assumed that (as you're not a bad person and you don't know this cousin) this cousin is just giving your girlfriend the 'be careful' talk as she would when any new boyfriend comes on the scene. Why would your girlfriend say this if she was confident in your love for her? That says to me that you should be annoyed with your girlfriend for listening to nonsense and not trusting you.

Yes, in fact I've "snooped" her phone and read text between them where the cousin has said that she just has my GF's best interest at heart & doesn't wanna see her get hurt.

Kimia wrote: »

I understand your frustration if this cousin is (for whatever reason) badmouthing you. It's not nice and you shouldn't have to put up with it, so my advise on that is to say nothing and act indifferent towards her until she does something in your presence. Then I would (calmly and politely) explain that her words/actions are offensive, you don't appreciate them and you would be much obliged if she would keep her negativity to herself. That won't get you in any trouble with anyone, it's standing up for yourself in a calm way.

But what if she continues to do this only when they're alone? Im so mad my girl is buying into all this - or again, maybe she IS scapegoating to an extent... Nevertheless, it's gonna be sooooooooo hard for me to keep letting this continue... I will eventually just have enough! Who should I "lose it" on, my girl or the cousin?

There will always be people who don't like you. Sometimes for genuine reasons and sometimes for no reason. The point is it doesn't really matter, what matters is what those closest to you think. That's why I'd be annoyed with your girlfriend. Instead of putting her cousin in her place and standing up for you, she came home and questioned you relentlessly using the excuse of her cousin's hatred of you (nice).

Finally, the way your girlfriend replied dismissively to her cousin makes me suspect that the cousin may have been scapegoated here.. Perhaps your girlfriend is very insecure and needed some valid (in her eyes) excuse in order to question your feelings for her and this cousin was the way in. I wouldn't like such manipulation in my own relationship tbh.[/QUOTE]