Don't want a church wedding

LegacyUser

Just looking for advice here. I am going to propose to my girlfriend soon, and with a bit of luck, she'll say yes.

Neither of us are religious and we would be happy to get married in a registry office.

My question is about my family. My family know I am an atheist, and I haven't attended mass for years. They are catholic, and they go to Mass weekly, and they are interested whenever there's a communion, confirmation etc. on. But you'd never hear anything about religion out of them Monday to Friday.

Anyway, I can imagine that it would upset my mother if she were to learn that I want to get married in a registry office. Not just her, but the whole family. I think they would feel I was being selfish by not going through with the tradition of a church wedding and all the craic and pageantry and celebration that goes with it. They would probably consider it weird and would be disappointed that I don't conform.

My question is: since it would be the wedding of my girlfriend and I, are we entitled to get married any way we see fit without having to worry about the feelings of our families, or should we think of their feelings and go the church route just to make them happy?

Ellie2008

atheist wedding wrote: »

Just looking for advice here. I am going to propose to my girlfriend soon, and with a bit of luck, she'll say yes.

Neither of us are religious and we would be happy to get married in a registry office.

My question is about my family. My family know I am an atheist, and I haven't attended mass for years. They are catholic, and they go to Mass weekly, and they are interested whenever there's a communion, confirmation etc. on. But you'd never hear anything about religion out of them Monday to Friday.

Anyway, I can imagine that it would upset my mother if she were to learn that I want to get married in a registry office. Not just her, but the whole family. I think they would feel I was being selfish by not going through with the tradition of a church wedding and all the craic and pageantry and celebration that goes with it. They would probably consider it weird and would be disappointed that I don't conform.

My question is: since it would be the wedding of my girlfriend and I, are we entitled to get married any way we see fit without having to worry about the feelings of our families, or should we think of their feelings and go the church route just to make them happy?

Honestly yes, if you dont believe in it whats the harm??!

MagicMarker

You should not allow anyone to influence how you get married, family included. It's your day, not theirs and it would be incredibly selfish of your family to disapprove of whatever location you choose.

There are other options besides a church or registry office. You could get married in any place you want, be it a hotel, park, beach etc... My brother got married in Sligo at the Clarion hotel, which has a nice ''chapel'' type building adjacent to it which gave the feel of a more traditional wedding.

LeixlipRed

Why waste money on it? You don't believe it, it's your big day, do what you want You can still have a reception afterwards just like any other wedding. I couldn't sit there and listen to the ****e talk from a priest, if you feel the same then just go down the registry office route.

tenchi-fan

The church teaching is you cannot receive the sacraments if you do not believe in God.

shinikins

I wouldn't entertain the idea of having a church wedding to placate family. Its your day and your entitled to have it whatever way you want, if you want to get married on horseback because its your dream wedding then go ahead and hire some horses!! If anyone tried to force me into a church wedding I wouldn't be behind the door intelling them how selfish and unreasonable they were being.

Ickle Magoo

My husband was raised catholic and is not religious - we didn't get married in a church and despite the initial raised eye-brows, it went down as a fabulous day.

It's you and your future wife's big day, don't start married life by letting other people dictate what form the important events in your life should take...and don't forget, having a religious service as an atheist will involve lying and making promises you don't mean and don't intend keeping - hardly a romantic and heart-felt gesture to each other, regardless of what anyone else wants. Your day, you choose. :cool:

atheist wedding

atheist wedding wrote: »

Just looking for advice here. I am going to propose to my girlfriend soon, and with a bit of luck, she'll say yes.

Neither of us are religious and we would be happy to get married in a registry office.

My question is about my family. My family know I am an atheist, and I haven't attended mass for years. They are catholic, and they go to Mass weekly, and they are interested whenever there's a communion, confirmation etc. on. But you'd never hear anything about religion out of them Monday to Friday.

Anyway, I can imagine that it would upset my mother if she were to learn that I want to get married in a registry office. Not just her, but the whole family. I think they would feel I was being selfish by not going through with the tradition of a church wedding and all the craic and pageantry and celebration that goes with it. They would probably consider it weird and would be disappointed that I don't conform.

My question is: since it would be the wedding of my girlfriend and I, are we entitled to get married any way we see fit without having to worry about the feelings of our families, or should we think of their feelings and go the church route just to make them happy?

This is one of those rare moments when the answer to a question is absolutely, completely, and unreservedly straightforward.

Get married in a registry office. It really, really is that blindingly simple.

Someone may advise you to get married in a church. That advice would be absolutely, completely, and unreservedly wrong.

Back in 1994, we were in exactly the same situation as you describe. We got married in the registry office (in Molesworth Street in those days). Of all our family and friends, only one person commented on the fact that we didn't get married in a church. Even so, she still thanked us for a lovely day and for making such a fuss of her - which we did, because she was in her 70s and we had to make special arrangements to transport her to and from the convent where she lived.

The day belongs to the two of you. Do it your way, and it'll be just fine.

prinz

atheist wedding wrote: »

They are catholic, and they go to Mass weekly, and they are interested whenever there's a communion, confirmation etc. on. But you'd never hear anything about religion out of them Monday to Friday.

Would there be a reason for them to specifically mention it? Just as a matter of interest. If they do or don't it's it's irrelevant to the thread question, but you know if they do they are 'holy joes', if they don't well the implication is clear.

atheist wedding wrote: »

Anyway, I can imagine that it would upset my mother if she were to learn that I want to get married in a registry office. Not just her, but the whole family. I think they would feel I was being selfish by not going through with the tradition of a church wedding and all the craic and pageantry and celebration that goes with it. They would probably consider it weird and would be disappointed that I don't conform.My question is: since it would be the wedding of my girlfriend and I, are we entitled to get married any way we see fit without having to worry about the feelings of our families, or should we think of their feelings and go the church route just to make them happy?

Do what's right for you. My advice, avoid a church wedding. I'ts obviously not right for you or your gf.

silverharp

One option would be to have a wedding abroad, you avoid the circus and you can skip the religious guff. Its your life and if you feel that a religious element would take away from your day you should run with that.

PurplePrincess

It's your big day so why go through the charade of something you don't believe in?.

There's so many places now that are licenced to carry out the civil service so you're bound to be able to find somewhere that means something special to you and your girlfriend. I was at a civil wedding for the first time last year and it was beautiful, the atmosphere was so intimate, touching and warm. To me it was exactly what a wedding should be, two people committing to each other, surrounded by their family and friends.

Best of luck with the proposal!!

LegacyUser

How about you not think of the local church as a venue.

Its a place of worship and sacred to those who believe.

Of to the registry office with you...........

foodaholic

A registry office doesnt have to be the only option. A friend of mine who is also atheist got married at the brooklodge hotel in wicklow. They have the Macreddin Chapel, seats up to 150 persons. and is approved for the solemnisation of civil marriages or you may use the Chapel for a simple blessing while previously registering your marriage at a registry office.

so many other hotels have options like that.
or to be totally different you can get married at the zoo!!!

Firetrap

I went to a humanist wedding and it was fab. It's still a civil wedding but it did feel a bit more like a church wedding but obviously without the prayers. Might be worth a thought

KittyeeTrix

Hi OP, Me and my hubby got married in a registry office as well....... I remember my mam said she "wasn't sure if she could attend" because she was not liking the idea of a registry office instead of a church!!

I said I would understand if she couldn't make it on the grounds of her religious beliefs and that we would be thinking of her during the ceremony and would see her after......Lo and behold, she rang me up less than 3 hours later when she realised that we were not going to change our plans and said she would be delighted to attend:D

I guess what I'm saying is........Do what ye want to do and to hell with everyone else, it's yer day and enjoy it the way ye want to do it!!!:)

silverharp

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Hi OP, Me and my hubby got married in a registry office as well....... I remember my mam said she "wasn't sure if she could attend" because she was not liking the idea of a registry office instead of a church!!

I said I would understand if she couldn't make it on the grounds of her religious beliefs and that we would be thinking of her during the ceremony and would see her after......Lo and behold, she rang me up less than 3 hours later when she realised that we were not going to change our plans and said she would be delighted to attend:D

I guess what I'm saying is........Do what ye want to do and to hell with everyone else, it's yer day and enjoy it the way ye want to do it!!!:)

your mother had a good poker face , family are like that, when they finally get the message they tend to back off.

Walls

My husband is an atheist, and honestly couldn't get married in a Church. So we got married in Kilkenny Castle, which was about the same price. I'm from the town and as a kid knew everyone that worked there, so the location was great. A lot of hotels do nice packages as well, which can satisfy the need for a show. But really and truly, it is up to you. Don't worry about it...

Chinafoot

atheist wedding wrote: »

Anyway, I can imagine that it would upset my mother if she were to learn that I want to get married in a registry office. Not just her, but the whole family. I think they would feel I was being selfish by not going through with the tradition of a church wedding and all the craic and pageantry and celebration that goes with it. They would probably consider it weird and would be disappointed that I don't conform.

Lots of assumptions there on your part OP. Have you even mentioned your feelings to your mother? You said your family know you are atheist and you haven't mentioned that this has caused any problems between you so you may be worrying over nothing. They may even have just presumed you would be going for a registry office.

As for the "craic and pageantry and celebration" that goes along with a church wedding?? Eh, what? Do you think that only a church wedding can provide this? Having experienced both registry office weddings and church weddings I can tell you that there is far more "craic" in the registry office. Church weddings, in my experience, are long, boring, impersonal affairs where your choice of music, etc is dependent on the priest. Registry office is quick, fun and very personal. The reception afterwards is as fun as you make it, and the venue beforehand is entirely irrelevant. The bride can still do all the night before and morning of celebrations with her family and friends. She can still wear a big poofy wedding dress if she wants to! :P

OP, its your wedding day. If your family can't support your wishes in celebrating the beginning of your married life then that's their loss. Do what makes you happy.

MetalDog

The day belongs to you and your hopefully future wife. Don't go through some charade on account of what other people might want.

Relatives are always going to try stick their oar in, especially the older ones, but its your decision and they should respect it. End of.


Ps best of luck & hope you've a great day

Neyite

OP, the wedding chat regularly comes up with my mum and his mum. I assumed like you that they, being catholic and regular mass goers would have a problem with a civil ceremony.

But, both of them said that they would have no problem with a civil ceremony if thats what we wanted. You never know, they might surprise you.

and Congratulations!

iguana

If you are really worried about upset or interfering, my advice is to decide the wedding you and your partner want and book it before telling any of your families that you are engaged. That way you are presenting it as a fait accompli that isn't up for debate as dates have been decided and deposits are paid.

kylith

iguana wrote: »

If you are really worried about upset or interfering, my advice is to decide the wedding you and your partner want and book it before telling any of your families that you are engaged. That way you are presenting it as a fait accompli that isn't up for debate as dates have been decided and deposits are paid.

I agree that this is a good way to avoid any arguement. Instead of saying 'We were thinking of getting married in...' say 'We are getting married in...'.

Miguel_Sanchez

I'd second the humanist ceremony. My brother had one for his wedding last year - everyone enjoyed it (apart from the grandmother who refused to attend because it wasn't in a church that is!)

How Strange

My husband and I had a civil ceremony. Like you, my family are catholic. They go to mass on Sunday's and holy days. Everyone in my family got married in a church. We got engaged and immediately said we were having a civil wedding. I was worried about how dad who is the more religious and conservative would react. He rang me a few days after we announced the engagement to say we should do whatever we wanted.

We had a fantastic day. Yes it was different to what they considered a wedding ceremony but they all agreed that the civil ceremony was so much nicer (shorter, more relaxed, more informal) and they thought it was a great idea. Even my granny who is 85 and a staunch catholic had a great time.

Give your parents a chance; they might suprise you.

Beruthiel

atheist wedding wrote: »

My question is: since it would be the wedding of my girlfriend and I, are we entitled to get married any way we see fit without having to worry about the feelings of our families, or should we think of their feelings and go the church route just to make them happy?

My parents are very religious, mass every week etc.
Myself and now hubby are atheists.
On the grounds of the hotel, we went for a non religious, old celtic handfasting ceremony. Circled by our guests.
It was lovely and everyone enjoyed it, including my parents!

It's your day, you should do exactly what you want to do.

Morag

It doesn't have to be a a registry office, there are hotels which will as part of the package host the civil wedding ceremony.

Oryx

After you are married, you will look back on the day and either think 'We did it our own way' or 'God, what was all that fuss for?'. This is your day, which youll spend a lot of time, effort and money on. Do it your way so you dont have that horrible niggle in the back of your head wishing it were being done differently.

Im not in the same situation as you in that my parents & parents in law are religious but not overtly so. A bit more relaxed than yours it sounds. But my (much loved) mum in law was very traditional in a sense of how things 'should' be done.

But still, when we got married, we did so in a really crummy registry office (before hotels could do ceremonies) we held our reception at home in a barn and, get this, I was pregnant too. But it was our day, and that was what we wanted. We even had flying pigs on the invitations.

Even though I thought it would be a nightmare, family were wonderful. We had some compromises over certain things, like inviting long lost cousins, but once we talked to them and explained where we were coming from, they backed us up on the mad plans.

So I would hope this will be your experience too. Just talk to those concerned and see how they take it. You can have all the craic and pageantry without the chapel, btw. And your family may feel glad in fact that you are not being hypocritical and just using a church as a nice venue.

Get married on a beach and have your honeymoon there.. Come home and have the reception for everyone.

AnonoBoy

Most families want you to be happy. Unless they're complete zealots they'll still come and attend because they'll want to be there for you on your day.

It's not like you're planning a Satanic ceremony or anything.

LegacyUser

Hi op

Going un-reg'd for this reply.

I found myself in a very similar situation to you. Both of us were brought up catholic but now neither of us are in any way religious.

We started out wanting to go abroad for our wedding, but now have wound up with going the whole 9 yards, in Ireland. Something neither of us wanted.

Basically what happened is her father sat her down and told her that he wanted her to be married in a church, and if she didn't he'd take her out of the will.....Completely blackmailing her into doing what he wanted. My parents don't care either way once the grandchildren start coming.

Now we're looking at a bill of around €16-20k instead of the €5-6k we were initially looking at. The guest list has gone from 10 to almost 200, and all because of her father's selfishness and her wanting not to upset her father.

OP some people will tell you that it's your day and to plan it the way you want. You cannot know what outside influences will come to bare on your plans until it actually comes to making the arrangements.

I've come to realise that the people getting married have very little to do with the day. It's more about what your families want. If you're lucky enough to be going out with someone who won't defer to her parents wishes then you'll more than likely get what you want. However if you're like me and have a girlfriend who doesn't want to upset her parents it can become a bit of a nightmare.

I understand this won't be everybody's experience but it is an experience that seems to be shared by a lot of the people i've seen get married over the last few years.

tinkerbell

similar situation wrote: »

Now we're looking at a bill of around €16-20k instead of the €5-6k we were initially looking at. The guest list has gone from 10 to almost 200, and all because of her father's selfishness and her wanting not to upset her father.

I hope your father in law is paying for the extra €10k - €15k since he wants it his way. And what a selfish idiot he is by the way.

Ickle Magoo

While I appreciate the sentiments, tinkerbell, could the advice on this thread be directed at the OP - anyone else wishing comment on their situation can start their own thread.

Many thanks

tinkerbell

Sorry Ickle!

OP - talk to your parents, who knows they might not have a problem. However, I would not go along the lines of "we're thinking of not getting married in a church". Tell them "we have decided to get married in a civil ceremony". If they give out about it, just nip it in the bud and tell them that it's not up for discussion at all.

iguana

similar situation wrote: »

You cannot know what outside influences will come to bare on your plans until it actually comes to making the arrangements.

Which is why it's best to make the arrangements before telling anyone you are getting married. Once everything is arranged it's too late for other people's influences to mean anything.

Benincasa

Just get married in a registry office, or anywhere you want really.

I am a Catholic. I really dislike going to Catholic weddings which are a sham when the couple getting married don't believe and are only there for the photos or to keep others happy. If you don't intend to abide by the Church's view of sacramental marriage, then why get married in a church? Why even consider it? Just be honest and get married elsewhere and do everyone else a favour.

Daisy M

I would agree that you should be planning a wedding that ye want not one that is expected by your family. Tbh I cant understand why you would think it could ever be ok to go ahead with a religious ceremony of which neither you or your fiancee have no belief in, religion and all the ceremonies that go along with it are for people who believe in it and practice its teachings, you having a wedding in a church would be to make a mockery of people who do believe. The church or indeed any religion should not be seen by non believers as an optional extra that will keep family members happy.

Firetrap

You're assuming that your family are going to object in some way. It might not be. I know when a civil wedding happened in my family, none of my aunts or uncles appeared to be particularly fazed by it. I think they were more curious than anything else because a lot of them had never been to a civil wedding before. I don't know how many parents of people in their 20s and 30s would be bible bashers anyway. They'd have already come to terms with their offspring not doing the Catholic thing anyway e.g. going on holidays with their other halves, "living in sin" etc. To my mind, it's not such a jump from there to a non religious wedding.

whatdoicare

Op- we had our wedding the way we wanted- in a celtic ceremony in a castle. We did this for two reasons-
We adore history, especially medieval Irish history and because we both want nothing to do with the church- some of the crap I've heard said by priests at weddings makes me grit my teeth.
Relatives mostly didn't give two hoots- bar maybe 1 or 2 randomers who later regretted it but mainly it was the mammies that gave the grief!
We were blackmailed with the usual crap from "I'm not going and your father isn't going if you carry on with this!" to "It's always been your dads dream to get married in such and such a church!" some stuff bordered on the insane and all out random!
We stuck to our guns though and had an absolutely amazing day, the mammies all turned up (and took all the flipping credit for all my hard work!) and we often say how it could have been ruined by giving into someone elses ideals just to keep the peace!

So, OP do what you want to do- everyone else will get over it.
A tip I give to you though is this: tell the general gist of what you are planning and no more - keep all conversations about the wedding very vague - very very vague- I found that get the two families together as much as possible for some reason helped - I can't explain why but if my mam started giving out about something the other halfs mam defended him and visa versa- and by this weird defending tactic they ended up talking themselves into it.....Don't ask why this worked but it did

Good luck with your plans!