has anybody been with someone who's previous relationship was a long one?

LegacyUser

Just looking to get some feedback on my situation from people who've maybe gone through something similar. My Gf of 1 and 1/2 years was in a realtionship for 7 years before me. We're totally in love and are so perfect for each other. But every now and then she still gets upset over what happened in her last relationship (didnt work out,he started acting the prat so she left). I thought it would have went away by now, but maybe its just going to take more time for her to work through it? Should i break up with her to save my own heart? that would be the worst ever, because as i say, we are so right for each other and everything else is absolutely brilliant.

Anybody been through something similar?

LegacyUser

wereok wrote: »

Just looking to get some feedback on my situation from people who've maybe gone through something similar. My Gf of 1 and 1/2 years was in a realtionship for 7 years before me. We're totally in love and are so perfect for each other. But every now and then she still gets upset over what happened in her last relationship (didnt work out,he started acting the prat so she left). I thought it would have went away by now, but maybe its just going to take more time for her to work through it? Should i break up with her to save my own heart? that would be the worst ever, because as i say, we are so right for each other and everything else is absolutely brilliant.

Anybody been through something similar?

OP, depends on what you mean by "upset". Does she actually pine for her ex, or simply get angry over how she was treated by him?

Also, for how long was she single prior to meeting you?

Personally, I would not be at all at ease if my gf of 1.5 years was still harping on about her ex. It would set an alarm bell off for me.

LegacyUser

She says she still has unresolved issues. Like why or how did it all end. She wouldnt get back with him, i know that for sure. Plus, he has moved on as well. It seems as though she gets upset if she bumps into him (lives quite close) or sees him. It sets off thoughts in her head, she didnt get many answers or reasons for his behaviour at the time.

Yea, look, aint a fool. Ive been around the block. I know the signs,and i aint about to put myself on the line for nobody,even if i do love that person. But ye know, our relationship is honestly great. Its just every now and then. We joked that "supposedly" it takes half the time of the lenght of the relationship for yo to get over it fully. So we're talking 4 years or so ha. Dont

Oh and she was broken up for 7mths before we met,and she had dated others guys inbetween,done the single meeting evryone thing

What ye think?

Abrean

Well my boyfriend was with his ex for six years and after the break up due to similar friends etc had to see each other regularly but certainly doesnt talk about his ex similar to what you've written about and definately doesnt get upset thinking about what happened in his past relationship!

If he did that it would upset me to be honest because I would think if it was that upsetting then he's not completely over his ex, so are you sure that she's fully over him? Im not saying that you have a bad relationship or that she doesnt love you but if it's upsetting her this much after so long then that would be my first thought. Maybe she's just not ready for another relationship. After this length of time the whys and hows shouldnt matter surely, its in the past and she has a new relationship now to focus on.

Other than that my only other thought would be, was it her only relationship? Her only boyfriend? In other words has she had any experience with other guys? If she's never experienced a breakup before, even in a teen puppy love way, maybe she just doesnt know how to handle it. That breakups arent all about getting answers and the whys and hows, they're just something you have to deal with and get over. I dont know, she's the only one who can tell you.

Lillylilly

OP, it sounds like she is still hung up on him- it's nothing to do with the length of time she spent in a relationship with him. I would wonder if she is fully over him.

smugchik

A friend of mine was in a really long relationship (10yrs) and was single for three years. She did the whole going out with friends thing and even had counselling. Every part of the relationship was dissected and examined by us all until there was nothing left and she was completely over him. She went from making sure that she never ran into him, to not caring if he was sitting at the next table in a bar. Then, she started seeing someone else. Everything was wonderful but the whole relationship situation brought it all flooding back to her. The first guy had been her best friend too (they don't start out being weird) and she was subconsciously making sure that she didn't fall into the same trap. She says that suddenly she found herself thinking and talking about her ex all the time. It passed after about six months and they are still very happy together. She says that she can't even properly remember being with her ex a.nymore, he is just a faded memory. The point to all this is that girls are much more analytical than boys. As she didn't get closure on the relationship, she isn't sure why it ended and can't avoid the same scenario. If you are sure she would never go back with him, stay put and be patient. She has been hurt enough.

LegacyUser

yea i know she wouldnt get back with him, even if we broke up. She knows he was wrong for her. I think she is over analysing maybe. And she has a tendency towards depression too,which doesnt help. I know she loves me.We plan our future together. At the moment we're saving with the hope of maybe getting a mortgage in the future. We talk about having a family etc..Things are great!! But this does crop up every now and then. And im just wondering should i be protecting myself a bit more.

Ive said to her that maybe she needs to meet him one last time, to fire questions at him,try to get some closure...and then try put it in a box marked past. Am i silly for mentioning that? Maybe talking with a professional will help? She thinks that time will sort it all out, and that although she sometimes goes back there in her head that it has absolutely no reflection on me, or us.

Look, if we werent so right for each other, and if she wasnt so clearly in love with me, id walk away. I think that given the choice she would deffo choose me over him. I aint feeling insecure or anything. But she does have a tendency to be depressed and i think maybe she is just finding it a little harder to move on. Dont get me wrong, since we met she has come on leaps and bounds. She was with this person for a very long time, and it just aint going to be the same as it was for me when i broke up with an ex of say 2 or 3 years. Its a completely different level.

I dunno, it would just be a shame to finish it without taking our relationship as far as it could go i guess. Im a very happy man 99.9 percent of the time.

Lucyx

Ah op I don't like the sound of this at all and I hate what I'm gonna write to you.

I went out with someone for ten years so a bit longer than your gf and her ex and I went out with my next bf only a few months after the ten year relationship and yes I did still mourn my previous relationship and at the time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I knew I wasn't in love with the ten year guy anymore but there was still a period of withdrawal that I had and I felt this big time (I even went to my doc about it). But the thing is, this lasted about a month or so. No more than that. I was then focused on my new relationship which was fantastic and I was falling in love again and I couldn't have cared less about seeing my ex. I could have seen him getting stuck into some girl and it wouldn't have bothered me cos I was with a new (and better guy, just like you say you are essentially) and I was getting busy with him, in every way.

Its way too long now for your gf to still be affected by this guy. Theres no way she doesn't have feelings for him. I'm so sorry but I know myself how I've behaved in the past over ex's that I don't care about and one ex who I do still care about. When I see the ex that I still have feelings for I think about him and he's on my mind, just like you describe about your gf with her ex.

She should be well over him by now. She shouldn't care why he acted like a prat when they were going out. It should be as important to her as why that little girl kicked her when she was ten y'know!! A non-issue.

In your last post I think you're trying to convince yourself of a lot of stuff. Her 'unresolved issues' are feelings that for some reason she can't let go of.

DangerMouse27

Yeah id have to agree with the last caller

i dont think she is over him, far from it by the sounds of it. Girls who are over guys just forget about them and get on with their lives and taking out the depression stick...baaad!
you bring that up to her as the cause of this at your peril.

I do think the last poster summed it up quite well, you do seem to be trying to convince yourself,just look at your language in your previous posts.

Just dont use her depression as a way of blaming something, when its just her honest feelings.

Monkey61

I think that the last two posters have summed it up pretty well.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but she isn't over him. If she was, it wouldn't bother her at all, certainly not to this extent.

The fact that she is speaking to you about it also sounds major alarm bells. It sounds a bit disrespectful to me. If you are going out with someone, you shouldn't be discussing all of your unresolved feelings for someone else with them.

I know you think you are perfect for eachother, but honestly it doesn't sound like it is meant to be at all. I am brilliant at being hung up on exes and previous relationships etc. It took me a good 7 years to get over my first girlfriend properly. But, the moment I met my current girlfriend, all thoughts of previous people immediately disappeared.

It's been a year and a half and she is still upset about her ex. I don't think that your relationship will ever be totally perfect and yours, because there has always been a third person involved. I would get out now and let her find the person that makes her immediately forget about the ex. And let you find someone that is only thinking of you.

LegacyUser

See I don't agree that the relationship is doomed at all.

I'm in a relationship with a man who's marriage fell apart just a couple of months before we met. His wife ended it suddenly after a 4 year relationship and a very brief marriage.

Although he was through the very worst of it by the time I met him, he still had a lot of greiving and soul searching to do. When we met, getting involved with someone else was the absolute last thing on his mind but we clicked in so many ways that we agreed to take things very slowly and see how it went.

Fast foward a few years and we're now living together with our baby sons and things are great. Over the first year/year and a half he did go through a few bad patches but the reasons behind those were more to do with having his confidence shattered by how his last relationship ended.

We've often said that the logical thing to do when we first met would have been to wait for at least a year before getting together but our feelings were so strong at the time of meeting, I doubt anything that anyone said would have made us wait.

I stuck by him because I loved him so much and I strongly believed that we could make it work. We did have some tough times but they've made us the strong couple that we are today.

What's your gut instinct on the situation? Has she improved over this time? Because that was key for me. His down periods gradually tapered off over time which proved to me that he/and we were going in the right direction.

LegacyUser

canrelate wrote: »

See I don't agree that the relationship is doomed at all.

I'm in a relationship with a man who's marriage fell apart just a couple of months before we met. His wife ended it suddenly after a 4 year relationship and a very brief marriage.

Although he was through the very worst of it by the time I met him, he still had a lot of greiving and soul searching to do. When we met, getting involved with someone else was the absolute last thing on his mind but we clicked in so many ways that we agreed to take things very slowly and see how it went.

Fast foward a few years and we're now living together with our baby sons and things are great. Over the first year/year and a half he did go through a few bad patches but the reasons behind those were more to do with having his confidence shattered by how his last relationship ended.

We've often said that the logical thing to do when we first met would have been to wait for at least a year before getting together but our feelings were so strong at the time of meeting, I doubt anything that anyone said would have made us wait.

I stuck by him because I loved him so much and I strongly believed that we could make it work. We did have some tough times but they've made us the strong couple that we are today.

What's your gut instinct on the situation? Has she improved over this time? Because that was key for me. His down periods gradually tapered off over time which proved to me that he/and we were going in the right direction.

How we first met seems very similar to your own story. She had been with other guys before me and it just didnt work out, but we got on very well and seemed to just be right for each other. We also say that it would have been better if we had of met a few month later. But ye know im not even sure thats true. It was just the right time. So i decided to stick it out and try be there for her if she needed a chat. I always said i'd walk if i thought she still wanted to be with him, or if i felt her love for me waining. But she hasnt once said she wants to be with him or anything like that. Its just every now and then, if she sees an old pic of them together or if she bumps into him she will go a bit distant for a few days. Maybe working stuff out in her head, i dunno.

At the start she was worse, but she has deffo come on leaps and bounds. We have even visited a brother and wife of her ex (they were super close) together and there wasnt a bother on her, no memories or anything. She was delighted i met them because she is still friendly with them and she sees me as her future and she wanted them to meet me.

I've asked other peoples opinions and they are all a bit confused because they say from what they can see, she adores me. My gut instinct is that she is having difficulty facing what actually happened and the way he treated her. She might need professional help. I never thought she still fancied or loved him as she never shows any signs of this. But i need other peoples opinions. Its lonely when you think your the only one who has ever had to deal with a situation like this.

Im obviously going to want this relationship to work, so please excuse me if i seem to be trying to convince myself it can,as another poster said i am. I understand how it might look, but i am seriously viewing this from every angle and take everybodies points on board.

Wompa1

My relationship wasn't that long I guess. 2 years. I gave the girl everything I had and even knew how I would propose to her. She cheated on me and left. For the first 2 months I was devastated, then I went to visit her in the hospital after she had surgery and all I felt was pure hatred. I was upset that I felt that way but it also helped me move on. However, I like your girlfriend would get upset if I saw my ex...I feel like I didn't get closure from her...she got her closure because she got what she wanted. I never ever want to see her again and if she did see me it would be like she'd know what I was doing and would seem unfair. Luckily I'm moving soon so she won't see me and I won't get a burst of anger every time I see a black Ford Focus :P

But I guess mine is anger and not upset as such...

Elle Collins

Lucyx wrote: »

I knew I wasn't in love with the ten year guy anymore but there was still a period of withdrawal that I had and I felt this big time (I even went to my doc about it). But the thing is, this lasted about a month or so. No more than that. I was then focused on my new relationship which was fantastic and I was falling in love again and I couldn't have cared less about seeing my ex...

...Its way too long now for your gf to still be affected by this guy.

I just want to say while it's nice to hear of a woman moving on from a 10yr relationship relatively pain-free, it is an uncommon occurance and I'd suspect the feelings in Lucyx's case were over before the relationship was. That is to say, it sounds to me like the love was dead anyway so ending the relationship was just like discarding something that wasn't necessary anymore, like a banana peel, lets say.

I don't think it's fair or realistic to measure one break up against the other. They are all such different experiences and it is their individual dynamics that makes them different; I think it's just pointless to compare.

I'm a mid-thirties woman and I've had three long term relationships. The residual feelings after each were very different and very painful, some lasted a long time and some not so long. One of them very much reminds me of the OP's gf's breakup, as he describes it. I was in terrible pain for a long long time, partly because, like the OP's gf, I had to deal with someone I had loved with my whole soul morphing into an unrecognisible prick. The damage of that is deeper than some of the posters seem to acknowledge, maybe because they haven't experienced it for themselves yet.

Lucyx

Elle Collins wrote: »

ending the relationship was just like discarding something that wasn't necessary anymore, like a banana peel, lets say.

I resent this immensely, this was not the case at all and I pointed that fact out in my first post. Comparing my ex of ten years to a banana peel is so not cool Elle Collins. I made it very clear that I was terribly affected and had to go to my GP at the time.

onlyrocknroll

wereok wrote: »

Just looking to get some feedback on my situation from people who've maybe gone through something similar. My Gf of 1 and 1/2 years was in a realtionship for 7 years before me. We're totally in love and are so perfect for each other. But every now and then she still gets upset over what happened in her last relationship (didnt work out,he started acting the prat so she left). I thought it would have went away by now, but maybe its just going to take more time for her to work through it? Should i break up with her to save my own heart? that would be the worst ever, because as i say, we are so right for each other and everything else is absolutely brilliant.

Anybody been through something similar?

Hey OP.
I really think that the first thing you should do is talk to her and tell her that its bothering you, and find out how she feels. She should know that it must be hurtful for you to see her that emotional about a previous partner. She's obviously upset and deserves your kindness, but you should let her know that it's unreasonable for her to think that this isn't hard on you too. I really don't think you should end it until you've talked it through.

Also, respectfully to the other posters, but it's ridiculous to think that somebody reading this thread could know how your girlfriend feels about her ex. Maybe it's that shes angry with him for how he treated her, maybe she hasn't moved on, maybe she's frustrated because she had long term plans with him and she thought she'd be settled now, most probably it's one of a million other things you haven't even considered. The only way to find that out is to ask her.

Wompa1

onlyrocknroll wrote: »

Hey OP.
I really think that the first thing you should do is talk to her and tell her that its bothering you, and find out how she feels. She should know that it must be hurtful for you to see her that emotional about a previous partner. She's obviously upset and deserves your kindness, but you should let her know that it's unreasonable for her to think that this isn't hard on you too. I really don't think you should end it until you've talked it through.

Also, respectfully to the other posters, but it's ridiculous to think that somebody reading this thread could know how your girlfriend feels about her ex. Maybe it's that shes angry with him for how he treated her, maybe she hasn't moved on, maybe she's frustrated because she had long term plans with him and she thought she'd be settled now, most probably it's one of a million other things you haven't even considered. The only way to find that out is to ask her.

I'd agree with this. I know some day down the line I should let go of my anger towards my ex but I don't want to. I don't think she deserves it. So maybe the girl is just angry. That's only natural

S23

OP it's very hard to say how someone should or shouldn't react to a breakup. Each realtionship is different and the causes for breakups are different. There is no set limit for how long it takes to get over someone or how long it takes to resolve feelings. That much seems pretty obvious.

However, if feelings are unresovled then, in my opinion, it would be impossible to be totally in love with someone else.

What strikes me here is not just that its over 2 years since the break up (7 months single + 18 months with you) which, in itself, is quite a long time to sort out this stuff in anyones head but more the fact that she broke up with him! She was the one who instigated the end of their realtionship. Now she doesn't have to be delighted that he started to act the idiot at the end of their realtionship but she shouldn't IMO still be letting what happend between them effect your realtionship

OP I don't mean to have a go at you or anything but you're seem to be trying a lot of positive reinforcement in your posting.

You keep repeating that you are perfect for each other. She definitely loves you. She wouldn't leave you for him and that none of this really bothers you at all. Over and over you keep making the same points.

From where I'm standing it looks as though you're trying to convince yourself of these things. All I can say is you haven't convinced me.

I think it bothers you much more than you are letting on. And this is perfectly reasonable. I think you're not so very, very sure she has no feelings for him. And thats understandable too given her behaviour. And, while you keep saying she is clearly in love with you and other people say it (it doesn't matter what other people say by the way) I believe you're not wholly convinced of that either. And of course that is understandable as shes given you enough reason to doubt this.

Can I also just say that you have been a really supportive and good BF about all this when you could have reacted in any number of other ways. You're clearly a very nice fella who gives a lot to his realtionships.

I can't tell you if she has 'romantic' feelings for him. I can't tell you if she is totally emotionally committed to you. It's impossible to say one way or another sitting here at a computer. I can only go on what you have told me and I can only put myself in your shoes and tell you how I'd approach it.

If I was with someone for as long as 18 months and they still have severe emotional reactions to an ex of over two years, an ex they broke up with, and became distant or detached for days at a time at the sight of a picture of them together or at seeing him then I would not stand for it. For my own emotional protection I wouldn't leave myself open to someone who clearly still has feelings (as I said I can't tell you the nature or extent of them) for her ex. Supportive as you are, and hard as break ups are, that's not natural behaviour for someone who is supposed to be in a committed realtionship. Honestly! She shuts herself off from you for days at a time at the sight of him or the sight of a picture of them together. That would be unbareable for me if my OH did that. I'd find it emotionally destroying to think that someone who is supposedly completely in love with me, and completely right for me, can so easily be 'taken away' from me for days at a time at the mere sight of their ex.

Also, for her assertion that 'time will sort it all out' that may be true. Personally speaking I wouldn't be leaving myself wide open emotionally to develop a realtionship with a woman who hasn't 'sorted it out' two years later. You do realise that when she finally 'sorts it out' she might realise that she got into the realtionship with you way too early on the back of her breakup and she could decide to end it. She could also decide you're the best fella ever and marry you the next day too. However both are possibilities. I wouldn't be in a realtionship with someone who was still 'sorting out' her feelings from her long term realtionship that ended a long time ago. That's just me. I'm not interested in having my heart ripped from my chest just for the sake of being with someone (who I am surely is lovely, funny, attractive, etc.. etc... etc...) who has massive unresolved issues with her ex. Also how much time does she need? If two years isn't enough will four years be enough? Six years? Seven years? Will she still be shutting herself off from you for all that time if thats how long it takes her to sort it out? Presumably so

So to sum it all up! She can't help how she feels or control her emotions about the ex. However I don't think it's right/fair that she shuts you out for days at a time at the sight of him. I don't believe she can possibly be as emotionally committed as you say she is to your realtionship when her feelings and reactions to her previous realtionship are still so strong. And I really don't know how this one will turn out for you if you stay with her. She could realise she jumped in too soon and end it. She could realise you're the best thing thats ever happend and you live happily ever after. She could take so long sort out her 7 year realtionship that she doesn't want to start from scratch again and stay with you simply because shes invested too much time and effort in it rather than because she loves you totally.

Bottom line here is you're wide open to being destroyed emotionally by this woman. And, to an extent, we all are with our OH's. However this woman is giving you clear signs that she's not committed to you 100%, ableit subconsciously maybe, so that leaves you more exposed that I personally would be comfortable with.

All the best OP

Asphyxia

It sounds to me like she still has feelings for him! I've been in a relationship for four years with my boyfriend, he had been in a three year relationship before that but he's never spoke like it in the way your girlfriend seems to.

She could also just need closure, being in a long relationship and having it end badly can play on the mind.. it mightn't be so much the ex but the relationship itself she's thinking about.

I do hope you get it sorted out OP.

Babooshka

Asphyxia wrote: »

It sounds to me like she still has feelings for him! I've been in a relationship for four years with my boyfriend, he had been in a three year relationship before that but he's never spoke like it in the way your girlfriend seems to.

She could also just need closure, being in a long relationship and having it end badly can play on the mind.. it mightn't be so much the ex but the relationship itself she's thinking about.

I do hope you get it sorted out OP.

As you say in your second point though, it could be the effects of the relationship more than the guy.

Everyone's different, not everyone reacts the same to situations.
I went out with someone for 8 years and with my current partner have ranted about the relationship from time to time, because it was where I got the majority of my experience in relationships from, not because I still had romantic feelings for the guy in any way. If my partner had not allowed me to vent my feelings or talk about my experiences I'd have been a bit worried about the foundation of our relationship.

It will come out in time what her issues are or are not, in the meantime I'd say enjoy your relationship and try not to worry too much, things will develop one way or another.

wicklori

hi OP...
My OH was in a similar situation to you. I had been in a 9 year relationship before we got together. He was a bit freaked by such a longterm ex. We talked it through a lot!
Long story short-we just got engaged after 18months together! My ex is my ex for many good reasons. I love my OH and have no regrets or doubts.
Talk to her about her ex and ask her to fill in any blanks you have. This may help to put your mind at ease. LTR are difficult to get over for sure, and they give us bad habits! Be gentle with her and trust your feelings for her and hers for you. Don't let assumptions about the past get in the way of your relationship.

LegacyUser

areweok wrote: »

Its just every now and then, if she sees an old pic of them together or if she bumps into him she will go a bit distant for a few days. Maybe working stuff out in her head, i dunno.

This struck a chord with me OP... so she gets upset/sad/angry/whatever when she gets reminded of her ex, and then becomes distant with you? Totally, totally unfair, imo. She is basically offloading her sh1t feelings onto you. Not on.

Now, nobody here can tell what your girlfriend feels about her ex. It could be that she has no intention of ever getting back with him... but personally speaking, I can't ever imagine a day when I'm joking with my boyfriend about how long it will take him (in years!) to get over an ex. It would just undermine our relationship.

It seems like the kinda stuff she should be saying to either her girly friends or a counsellor. But talking like that to you is pulling the p1ss a bit in my opinion. I can't tell you how to proceed OP because it sounds like a good relationship other than this. If I was in your shoes, I'd probably let her know that I'm uncomfortable with this malarkey, and though I do understand 7 years is a long time to be with someone, she would have to get some professional help (she should get counselling for depression anyway if it's affecting her this badly) and let go of the past and enjoy the present she has now with a wonderful guy such as yourself.

Tbh, she sounds a bit "me, me, me." It's her all about her 'depression', her 'ex' , her 'issues'.... what about your feelings, OP? Why isn't she respecting those? You've been a lot more understanding of her feelings than most people would be tbh. I'm not saying you guys won't make it, you could be fine in time. But she really needs to cop on.

That's just my 2 cents.