smiling and being sociable

LegacyUser

I'm not unsociable and I love to laugh but sometimes or often have some awkward encounters, very awkard, when meeting someone I don't know well or for the first time.

Recently for example I bumped into a neighbour who had just moved in and we said hello and she gave me a big broad smile and I couldn't reciprocate, I mean I just couldn't properly return the smile. And then I think she was offended or something. But I just can't smile unless I'm happy or something is good or funny etc. Why is this? And why is it that other people can - are they faking it or have they got nicer hearts than me? My own feeling is that I've got a good heart but I'm just terrible sometimes with people who (it seems) are pretending they're really happy to meet me and who it seems can just turn a smile on like flicking a switch.

Also I'm a girl so this means even more pressure to smile whereas with guys it's okay if they happen to look sullen or just have a normal face when they're saying hello to someone and they won't be judged the way a girl would be.

claireeney

Im the same, I cant pretend to be happy. people have accused me of being a snob or having a face on. my most hated phrase is "cheer up, it might never happen". But like you I can laugh and am generally a happy person. when I am happy to meet someone i can smile at them and be pleasant.

I just look at it like this: who is going to say "i dont like her cos she didnt smile at me" more likely they are going to think that they were inappropriate for smiling and probably came across as weird. I wouldnt worry about it. I hate insincerity and forced emotions and that's how i get my impression of people.

Id put a smiley face here but there isnt a suitable one.

tenchi-fan

I think it's quite a harmful thought to look at someone smiling and thinking "wow, that's such a disingenuous smile, they flicked it on like a switch."

Yes, it's true a lot of the time, but think of someone's smile as a friendly gesture which is meant to be welcoming and put you at ease.

And when due to lack of confidence (for example, you're afraid people will think you're being fake) you don't smile, you're not expressing your happiness at meeting someone. Fair enough, your friends know you, but a stony sour face acts as a barrier for strangers.

You should try practising smiling in the mirror! Put your own misconceptions aside, it feels good to smile

Oh, and when someone smiles at you, rather than look at their mouth you should look at their eyes.

neuro-praxis

There are certain things in life that are disciplines, and being friendly, particularly if it does not come naturally, is one of them.

Every morning for example, whether I feel happy or not, I greet my colleagues in work with a smile and a bright greeting. This is not me pretending to be happy. This is me choosing to make a positive start to the day. It is also does not mean that I fill every silence with inanely cheery chatter.

It lifts my mood, and my colleagues always respond.

You can choose not to smile unless you are happy, but then you are a slave to your emotions. Why not master your emotions rather than have them master you? Smiling at a neighbour, unless you are in a seriously dark place, is not a difficult thing to do, once you decide to do it.

Naikon

Act as you please. Do not try to appear different because of what others will think of you. Some people won't like you. Thats life. The ones that will stick around may not agree with your personality, but they won't force you to "conform". Jesus, I sound like an emo mentioning that word. Just man up and act as you please. You will wear yourself out if you try to please everyone. You will never ever have the resources to please everyone. Big deal.

Ave Sodalis

I always smile at people, but that's because I'm generally always happy. That's just who I am

I agree with Naikon. Just be yourself. If people don't want to get to know you because you don't smile at them, well they obviously aren't going to understand you so are't worth knowing in the first place!

Don't worry about it. If you can't change it, don't. I would prefer to see someone not smile when they greet me, than someone force a smile when it's obvious they don't want to

Fentdog84

Too much is being made of the smile, if it dosent come naturally to you, a polite hello and a nod can be just as effective. Practice smiling and greeting in the mirror regularly and it should come easier to you.

Zen65

unregxyz wrote: »

But I just can't smile unless I'm happy or something is good or funny etc. Why is this? And why is it that other people can - are they faking it or have they got nicer hearts than me?

Smiling is like courage: to establish courage one has to act courageously, and eventually it become a habit, for which one acquires the reputation of being brave.

Being "first to smile" is similar. The smile is not faked, it is a learned response from infancy where a baby observes others smiling at it, and at first the baby mimics this smile, even though it is not fully cognisant of what it is doing. Later the baby learns that by smiling first, the parent or adult or sibling responds by giving attention, which gives pleasure to the baby, which makes him smile. In essence then, the "first smile" is an expression of hope that the relationship will bring pleasure. It is not faked, it is a result of an expectation which has proven itself to be valid for most of a person's life.

Unless of course, your own parents were not given to smiling, nor to paying attention to you as a child. In such cases the learned response of "first smile" is often missing. The result is a more sullen mannerism, although the non-smiler may well be very friendly once they establish a relationship.

The "first smiler" will find it easier to make friends. For this reason alone it is worth practising to lead with a smile when meeting people. It really is only a matter of making it a habit, and learning to smile not because you are happy, but because your actions bring happiness.

Be at peace,

Z

baby and crumble

I can't relate all that much, I'm a smiler, I just nearly always have a big smiley head on me... I don't think you should be so hung up on people 'faking' it or switching it on and off... some people are naturally smiley, like some people (me again!) are very tactile. Some people are reserved, but more often than not getting a smile from someone like yourself is rewarding in itself, because you know it must mean a lot... does that make any sense?

Long story short, just be yourself. I don't know how to encourage you to 'smile more' because I can't honestly think of a situation where someone has smiled or said hello to me that I haven't automatically smiled back, and meant it... but if you're not feeling it, just nod and say hi. The important thing for friendships and relationships is showing some kind of reciprocity, you know?

Hi unregyz

I sympathise with you. Been there most of my life. Especially when I was younger. I simply dont laugh unless I find something funny - even if everyone else is. I cannot fake it! I also hate the phrase "cheer up it might never happen" it used to kill me. Actually I lost a child to cancer, my marriage broke up, I moved house 4 times with 2 children and also lost 3 more babies in a subsequent relationship - so sometimes I feel like saying "feck off - it did happen!" However now I smile quite a lot cos when I feel it in my heart I can genuinely smile. I work with the public and people are much nicer to me when I smile - even if they are in bad humour!:mad:
Then I get other black days when I can barely manage it.:( Please dont worry - be yourself - I tell my daughters that all the time - just be yourself. You're not by any chance a Scorpio? I am and they are famous for only smiling when they mean it!
dont worry you will be ok - be true to yourself
M xx