CURRENT BF CAUGHT SEEING EX....

arizona24

Just looking 4 some advice here, last year i found out that my boyf had been back in contact wit his ex behind my back, lied 2 my face about it then was caught basically red handed. i ended it there an then, however different factors led to me agreeing 2 give him another chance at proving himself worthy of my time and affection. months past and we had some good times an some very bad times, the trust was basically shattered through the lying not the act, ive always been quite confident in myself but all that just took the wind out of me. its been a year now and we are back together except im still feeling the twangs of possible paranoia and im very sketchy about some things he tells me i feel like i have to ask alot of questions about situations because he doesnt offer information freely.
any thoughts?

ABajaninCork

If the ex was caught cheating, then why have you taken him back?

Clearly, there's some trust issues there. Have you sat down and talked calmly about it?

Obviously if he's been caught playing away, you'll need to keep your guard up, but you should definitely lose the "giving him another chance at proving himself worthy of my time and affection" attitude. It sounds justified, but it's in no way a good environment for a relationship to rekindle and thrive. So regardless of whether you're right to do it or not, if you want to salvage the relationship you're going to have to take the high road and drop it. It's probably putting a lot of strain on the relationship, causing resentment between you both. I know if it was me (and I've been in that situation) I'd probably subconsciously be using it to try and punish him, without even realising it, convinced that because he was the one who cheated, I was in the right to make him jump through hoops for me. It'll never work if you replace the trust you once had with a power struggle, so scared he'll cheat again that you try and get him under the thumb.

Relax first of all. Try and feel comfortable with the situation. If you want to make this relationship work, you'll need to let go of the past (I know it's harder than it sounds). Good luck

shellyboo

OP doesn't actually say he cheated, says he was IN CONTACT with his ex. Maybe you could clarify, OP?

I don't think simply talking to your ex is a cardinal sin, tbh. And if he lied about it, well... given your reaction, can you blame him?

If he cheated, that's another matter.

MitchKoobski

Well given your reaction I don't blame him for not telling you. He was only in contact with the ex.

"Proving himself worthy of my time and affection"

He was talking to his ex. If you think you can order him not to speak to someone in particular and think he'll obey you then I'm suprised he actually wanted to come back. Of course he doesn't "offer information freely". Youre acting as if he needs to give you in-depth details of everything that he says and does or you'll have reason to doubt him.

Any key?

Was he "playing away" or just in touch?
In touch with a few of my exes.Truly because I care about their lives but I'm mad about my boyfriend.
Paranoia will ruin the relationship especially for your partner. U need to just relax. More than likely they bumped into each other once or twice and thats it.

prinz

arizona24 wrote: »

Just looking 4 some advice here, last year i found out that my boyf had been back in contact wit his ex behind my back, lied 2 my face about it then was caught basically red handed. i ended it there an then, however different factors led to me agreeing 2 give him another chance at proving himself worthy of my time and affection. months past and we had some good times an some very bad times, the trust was basically shattered through the lying not the act, ive always been quite confident in myself but all that just took the wind out of me. its been a year now and we are back together except im still feeling the twangs of possible paranoia and im very sketchy about some things he tells me i feel like i have to ask alot of questions about situations because he doesnt offer information freely.
any thoughts?

Eh, you say he lied to your face about it, does that mean he lied to your face about being in contact? Why would he get back in contact with an ex and deny knowledge? Two people are at fault here (a) you should trust him wrt who he meets/people he sees and (b) he shouldn't be keeping stories from you or making up stories. Both of you need to grow up.

arizona24

dont think i made myself quite so clear first time around.... he WAS NOT just back in contact wit her. things happened between them that should not have happened. i was betrayed basically. i never ever had a problem wit him having contact with her as long as he told me about it so it would avoid any suspetion, an it was vice versa aswell. i am still friendly wit a select few exes but 'friendly' is were it starts and ends. i have never once stopped him from speakin to anyone and nor would i. i love this guy i do but its just hard at the minute because im wondering if i ever will truely trust again. i just wanted some advice from people who have possibley been through the same experience that ive been through and would like some perspective to help me either make a decision or lay it to rest and move on..... so please any comments that help are greatly appreciated.

and prinz... i resent that statement 'you bought need to grow up', if i wanted 2 b judged on wat ive posted then i probably would of asked for it, im looking for advice from people who have been through similar experiences, if u have then please pass on the advice u have, other wise i would appreciate if you went elsewhere and posted judgements.

Console

arizona24 wrote: »

and prinz... i resent that statement 'you bought need to grow up', if i wanted 2 b judged on wat ive posted then i probably would of asked for it, im looking for advice from people who have been through similar experiences, if u have then please pass on the advice u have, other wise i would appreciate if you went elsewhere and posted judgements.

You get alot of people on here blasting a person seeking advice. Two most common insults are 'insecure' or 'immature' .... I see you've experienced the latter. Heres a tip: pay no attention and take what ever 'advice' with a pinch of salt. Dont get me wrong, there are replies that help people in this forum... but equally replies that dont. All that they do is upset/annoy the poster in question. Adding no help. Just spurting out foolish 'advice' ... (very often that 'advice' is totally different to what they would do in that situation if it was them)

The only good advice you can get is to listen to your own instinct. You are the only one in the situation. If you feel this was an act that was going too far and you cant trust him because of it. Then there is your answer

prinz

arizona24 wrote: »

and prinz... i resent that statement 'you bought need to grow up', if i wanted 2 b judged on wat ive posted then i probably would of asked for it, im looking for advice from people who have been through similar experiences, if u have then please pass on the advice u have, other wise i would appreciate if you went elsewhere and posted judgements.

Or you could just have made the situation clear the first time around. Your current bf should not be seeing his ex in any sort of way, other than purely as friends. Why you took him back to begin with only you can answer, now you are dealing with the consequences of that decision.

Firetrap

There's no definitive answer to it unfortunately. Some couples can get over the other partner cheating on them (I assume that we're talking cheating of some sort here), others can't. You can only take each case on its merits.

I do get the impression that you haven't really forgiven what your boyfriend did. More crucially, you need to ask yourself honestly do you trust him any more? When you feel he is being sketchy about details, why do you think that is? Lack of trust on your behalf? Him being up to something he shouldn't have?

Forget all the stuff about loving him to bits etc. What does your gut instinct tell you? Do you actually trust him? Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. If trust goes, it eats away at people.

MitchKoobski

Well if he wasnt JUST back in contact with her, what happened then? Because it's the one bit of info you seemed to be omitting.

arizona24

I realise trust is the most important thing in a relationship but if im honest i dont think ill ever trust him 100% because i dont trust anyone 100%, never have, i do trust him however a hell of alot more then i did this time 9 months ago, it seems to b getting better and easier but its just still in my head. Im at a loss with wat 2 do, head is saying 1 thing heart is saying another...

Azureus

When my boyfriend and I were first together, he cheated on me with his ex. We were together about 2 months at the time, and devastated was not the word. It destroyed me.
Contrary to everyone elses advice, I took him back after a few weeks, and while it was a long and very hard road it was the best decision I ever made. We are together going on four years now and he has never done anything to betray my trust since.

It's a difficult one, only YOU know how you feel. The hardest thing for me was the attitude of everyone around me who basically said 'dont come crying to me when it all goes pete tong'. I could understand where they were coming from, but it doesnt help. Find people who you can talk to and who will support you through whatever you decide to do. Make this guy work for you and let him now that you might be a little more possesive than you usually would be in a relationship for awhile because you are insecure after what happened. He should be able to understand this. Let him know its not forever, but until the trust is won back.
Another thing is, dont beat him up about it. Dont bring it up all the time, especially in arguments. It wont end well. You will need to talk about it though, and even though he will probably be sick of going over and over it, let him know its just to clear things in your own head. Talk to other people anytime you feel insecure-I had a designated best mate who i would text when I was thinking about it too much and she knew how to snap me out of it. Also make time for yourself. By this I mean make sure that this guy doesnt become your be-all and end-all-be independant.

Come up with your own conditions for making it work-if hes willing to go with these to make you happy then chances are he thinks you are worth it and wont mess things up again. Mine were simple-change your number (the ex kept calling him) and delete her from facebook-basically cut contact with the ex. Any contact he did have I asked her to tell me straight away for peace of mind.

If you are right for eachother, the trust will build and eventually you will get over it. It probably took me about 8 months to a year to properly forgive him for what he did. Now when I think about it, it hurts but not the unbearable pain it once caused me. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent about it, ex drama sucks!

metrovelvet

What exactly happenned?

Console

arizona24 wrote: »

I realise trust is the most important thing in a relationship but if im honest i dont think ill ever trust him 100% because i dont trust anyone 100%, never have, i do trust him however a hell of alot more then i did this time 9 months ago, it seems to b getting better and easier but its just still in my head. Im at a loss with wat 2 do, head is saying 1 thing heart is saying another...

I know what you mean.
Your heart is saying you love him and want him... however your head is saying cop on he is the guy that did '...X, Y, Z'.

You havent stated what exactly happened. You refer to that he did more than just be in contact with her ... did he kiss her? sleep with her? Such things are important.

arizona24

thanks for that azureus, all of wat you said is appreciated, its nice to know someone understands that its not just as easy as saying goodbye when you get that hurt! ive been doing my best to try and leave it in the past but certain things would just pop up in my head when i have a bit of free time to do nothin but think.
Ive basically giving him a bollocking for wat he's done (which, those of u who are wondering... he was in contact wit the ex and their method of contact turned sexual ie dirty messages photos, and this he denied until it came to light and i found out from a mutual friend that it had progressed to physical cheating.) and let him no just disgusted i was at wat he did, called him every name under the son and mentioned it to a select few people in our social circle who i knew would surely gossip and get the word out wat an ass he was. However i regret doing the latter but i was exremely angry and hurt by his actions. now though i know myself that i shouldnt and wont keep punishing him for it because of the amount he has changed and provin 2 try get me back and win my trust back again.
At this moment in time though im kind of sick of these feelings i have i honestly thought i could get over this a lot quicker.
we've talked endlessly about it and some conversations have turned to straight out arguements but the majority of them have been civil.
i guess wat im trying to get at in a round about way is that trust i used to have for him is obviously gone but i want to get it back otherwise i wouldnt of givin him this second chance. i want to get over this and move on wit things but i cant at the minute!!! HELP!!!!

metrovelvet

arizona,

He was weak and he made a mistake. Believe me everyone can do this. And its not hard.

I know its hard to trust, but at some point or another its a choice, and eventually it can turn into him earning it back to you chronically disrespecting him. And he will eventually be destroyed by it or leave you. There is only so much of this flaggelation someone can take.

You need to control over your thoughts. When you start daydreaming, let it be a signal to turn things back to yourself, go put some make up on or do something for YOU.

If you cant then you have to let him go.

Firetrap

Metrovelvet has it in a nutshell. What is obvious is that you are having enormous difficulties in getting over what happened and it's clearly driving you nuts. None of us lives in your head and knows how you think, nor do we know your boyfriend. So unfortunately, there isn't anybody apart from you who can make the final decision as to what to do.

arizona24

i no everyone can make mistakes and sometimes people slip however its doesnt justify the hurt it causes just because it happens. i disrespected him when i found out by saying it to some people who would basically spread the word about him. since then i have done nothin to disrespect him or even put him down. he realises wat he has caused an has told me he will do everything he can to make it up to me. i want to believe him i really do.

thanks everyone 4 your advice and comments, hopefully i can get over it and move on either way!!!!

DangerMouse27

You might just be setting yourself up for another massive fall. He did lie and try to hide it. He had alot of intent to have sex with someone else, pics and texts and calls.....

You seem too nice a person to have someone dump on you like that, if its your personality that your just too nice then maybe its something you have to look at.

missgroovy21

I can only give you my own opinion as to what I would do!!!

I wouldnt have given him a 2nd chance and I commend you that you could do that.....If I was in your situation I would be up the walls every time he goes out "just in case" its natural you cant help it.....Trust is earned.....since you've gotten back together has he given you any reason to doubt him again??? If he has then I wouldnt stand for it....you can do better!!! Ultimately follow your heart