Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Right, so...

My friends 21st is in August, and well, as far as had been discussed there were no set dates for it, nothing major planned yet, as after all its not for another good while. But, I had gotten the idea it was on the actual day of her birthday, as she told me she would more than likely have it that day.
So I decided the other day I wanted to go to a festival, and the certain one has a lot of bands I love, some that I will never get another chance to see. I looked at the dates, and although they were close, I would have been back two days before my friend's birthday. So I thought "yeah that's fine".
Then once I have decided this, a date has suddenly been planned for her party, and of course it happens to be on a day I am away. She announces this on facebook saying things like "Guess you wont be here for my birthday then" and "cool, fine, if you don't want to come to my birthday thats not my problem".
And although I have not booked tickets yet, I am pretty set on going, and she is trying to guilt me into not going saying. she told me that it's my call if I want to cancel the trip or not.
It would be somewhat understandable if she had told me the date of her birthday beforehand. But only the day before I had planned on going away, she was still pretty uncertain about when to have it.
She is my 'best friend'. I say that, because, well really its just a title we've been stuck with since we were young. These days we don't even act like best friends, I know she has friends whom she would consider above me. But now she has pulled out the best friend card.
I mean, I get that people only turn 21 once, but I really don't hold birthdays in such high value (I'm not doing anything for my own 21st). I will be there for the day she actually turns 21, just not for the party.

Am I being unreasonable? I would have liked to be there for her party obviously, but I can't keep however many days free just in case she decides she will have her birthday on one of those days.
I don't know what to say to make her calm down about it. I have apologised that I wont be there, and explained that I had taken her birthday into account when planning this, but unfortunately it didnt work out, but she has just returned with more guilt trips.

Daftendirekt

No, you aren't being unreasonable. You should go to your festival, have a blast and not worry about it. Maybe give her a present or card or whatever when you see her on her actual birthday, if you're that way inclined.

A 21st isn't that big a deal and if she was really that good a friend she'd understand. (I suppose it's possible that she's genuinely upset that you can't go, but even still, if she knows you've been looking forward to this festival for so long she should show a bit more cop on).

To be honest, 21's about the age you start drifting apart from your old childhood friends anyway. It can be a bit sad, but it happens. Such is life!

LegacyUser

Thank you.

Like she does take birthdays seriously, but I made sure to plan this so I would be back for her actual birthday.

I have tried explaining this to her, but she keeps saying that since I have not booked it yet, its my choice to choose between her or the festival. Which is ridiculous, because I'm choosing between her party and the festival, not her as a friend.

No matter what kind of response I give, she just ignores it and comes back with something to guilt me. And I get the feeling that she is going to act distant or even ignore me in person until I back down and change my mind.

Our argument is so childish that its ridiculous!

claireeney

I think the best friend thing is gone here. she is either trying to test you or some one better is able to come that date and not another date. is she 21 or 12? she's acting like a child and it is a difficult situation. have the present for her and if the opportunity arises give it to her. if she doesn't bother with you any more then you're well shot of her.

The Master of Disaster

She does sound like she's being immature about the whole thing, namely sending you the comments on Facebook. It seems like she may be one of these characters that needs to be the centre of attention and can't fathom why you wouldn't move mountains to get to her birthday. Or perhaps I'm being unfair and she genuinely wants you there because as you said you're her 'best' friend. Maybe you aren't as close as you used to be but it sounds like you've known each other for more than a few years. Either way that's not the point.

I think the easy way to answer this is to turn it around. I know you said a 21st isn't a big deal for you but that's you and maybe it means a lot more for her. Pretend for a minute that you were planning to to this festival as your 21st and all the friends knew about. Imagine one then of them then decided she had somewhere else you really wanted to be. How would you feel?

I'm not trying to tell you that you should or shouldn't go but merely to put yourself in her shoes. Ultimately I think it's really an issue of how good a friend you think she is.

LegacyUser

The Master of Disaster wrote: »

I think the easy way to answer this is to turn it around. I know you said a 21st isn't a big deal for you but that's you and maybe it means a lot more for her. Pretend for a minute that you were planning to to this festival as your 21st and all the friends knew about. Imagine one then of them then decided she had somewhere else you really wanted to be. How would you feel?

I'm not trying to tell you that you should or shouldn't go but merely to put yourself in her shoes. Ultimately I think it's really an issue of how good a friend you think she is.

I'm not quite sure what you mean here? If I were in her shoes? Well it's kinda of hard to say, because I cannot quite grasp why a 21st party is so important.
I planned it so that I would be back in time for her birthday. I also planned it before she had set any clear date for it. But I am now expected to drop my plans because she has decided its on a certain day, which clashes with what I want to do.

If this same situation happened to me, where I had not planned any day for a party, I really wouldn't mind that she had made plans (whether booked or not), because quite frankly, I would not expect anyone, no matter how close, to let my party dictate how they plan their holidays.

Ken.

Did she know you were planning to go away before she told you the date. If she did then she's just being a controlling b***h trying to ruin your plans. If she didn't know you had plans then personally i'd go to the party.

rainbowtrout

lucyfur09 wrote: »

Did she know you were planning to go away before she told you the date. If she did then she's just being a controlling b***h trying to ruin your plans. If she didn't know you had plans then personally i'd go to the party.

I'd totally agree with this. I'd put money on the fact that if you didn't mention the festival that she still wouldn't have picked a date. It's only May for god sake. She sounds like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. Go to the festival and enjoy yourself, you won't be missing much if she's that much of a drama queen.

Unreasonable? She's being more than unreasonable. No offense but she's acting the cow. Maybe it's the birthday version of being a bridezilla, where she can't understand that her life is always going to be more important to her than it is to anyone else, caught up in the building expectation of it. "Best" friend indeed. Lord knows she's probably just looking for numbers and hype. Don't let it get to you. You're being a good friend by wanting to be there for her on her birthday, if she cares more about her party than her actual birthday, it's clearly not the sentiment that's important to her, so she has no right to act like you're snubbing her.

LegacyUser

lucyfur09 wrote: »

Did she know you were planning to go away before she told you the date. If she did then she's just being a controlling b***h trying to ruin your plans. If she didn't know you had plans then personally i'd go to the party.

I mentioned my plans (including to say what dates the festival ran from) and the next day she had suddenly confirmed the date for her party. Although, so far, the only people she has confirmed this particular date to are to me and one other friend who wants to go to the festival also. So yes, she did know I wanted to go before she confirmed a specific date.

And even if she hadn't known my plans, I'm not sure I should have to give them up. I know its nice to be the good friend and put her ahead of myself, but I'm not sure, in this situation, that I am prepared to do that.

thefeatheredcat

reading your last post OP, it's very childish behaviour from your "friend" to suddenly announce the dates after you've made your plans.

imo you're not being unreasonable at all and her comments on FB don't exactly cast her in a very positive light to anyone, including others that may be going if the comments were public. Chances are her being a twit about it in this way will dissuade people from going and possible others may be going to the festival anyway if she sticks to these dates.

She's probably more miffed that you haven't invited her to the festival hence only mentioning the dates to you and your friend that are going to the festival. The old green eyed monster I would think.

pakb1ue

She is being a child.

You look after your own happiness dont worry about hers that is her job. I have learned the hard way that making other people happy rather then yourself is not the way to live your life.

A few months back it was my two of my good mates where having a joint party. I said I would be going but two days before one of my friends was able to get tickets to a sold out gig which was on the same night so rang my mates told them I wasnt going and off I went to the gig and had a great night. If I had turned down the ticket I would have been pissed off all night at the party and there would have been no point me being there.

My friends were a bit annoyed but they understood as friends should.

neuro-praxis

I'd say the problem here is more fundamental. There is a lack of joy and fun and love in your "best" friendship, from the sounds of things.

I would never dream of going away to a festival at the time of my best friend's birthday. If I had already booked it, fine, then I would go. But if I hadn't yet booked it, I would happily go to my friend's party instead.

On the other hand, it sounds like she is emotionally manipulating you.

And it sounds as though you don't care whether this event is important to her or not.

I reckon the more important question is not whether or not you will go to her party but rather whether or not your friendship has any kind of future.

Are you being unreasonable? That depends only on the nature of your relationship to her.