Help with my stoner boyf

dpink

Hi all,
Need some relationship advice!!! been with my boyf 2yrs now and living together, he is amazing in every way......bar the fact that hes a stoner. We have had endless rows over it but he just cant seem to even TRY to knock it on the head, or even just cut down. I love him to bits but it really bothers me, he is up and down, he has said a few times "ye im defo gonna quit" and he'll last a week before hes back smoking, then telling me that "this isnt gonna work unless you let me do what I want" getting really tired of hearing that selfish comment as hes pulled it out a few times. It kills me that he isnt willing to try this for us as I know i cant live with it. just dunno what to do......

Anyone had a similar problem and can advise???.......mucho appreciato :-)

Kosseegan

Walk away! bad as it is now it will only get worse. never believe a man who says he can take it or leave it. All he will ever do is take it. The trauma of a breakup now is much greater than the misery that will surely ensue if you stay involved with him.

Sleepy

No relationship with a man will work long-term if you want to change him. May as well walk away now.

Oryx

You cant make him stop. He will only stop if HE wants to, and clearly he doesn't.

So you can only deal with this by making your own choices. To put up with it, or leave. I know after two years thats a harsh prospect, but if you cant stand it now, it will be an even bigger wedge between you both as time goes on and you become even more committed to each other.

dpink

hmmmmm......just the responses i was afraid to here :-( thanks for the advice guys, i had contemplated that general idea

I reckon I could live with it at the moment, but what scares me is down the line if we have children (being a woman i am compelled to think about the future ;-)) i couldnt have kiddies with a stoner dad, and if he cant do it now then he'll never be able to do it.

ugh this blows (no pun intended!)

Spunge

Oryx wrote: »

You cant make him stop. He will only stop if HE wants to, and clearly he doesn't.

Pretty much this. You can tell him your feelings about it and how it effects you, but he must decide himself. And if he wants to quit he must sincerely want it, or else he'll just go back on it.

A lot of people find it really difficult to give up, as it is so built into the routine of their daily life. I was the same once.

Miss Fluff

dpink wrote: »

Need some relationship advice!!! been with my boyf 2yrs now and living together, he is amazing in every way......bar the fact that hes a stoner.

Bar him being a stoner, how does this actually effect the dynamic on a day-to-day basis? I presume he was a stoner when you met him so nothing has changed there but how does this have bearing on your lives? Is he moody when he doesn't have any? Is he dipping into communal funds or refusing to do stuff with you?

I've been in your situation, nearly ended up married to him (a bullet which I dodged thankfully), and I'm telling you now that your BF won't actually change.

So really your choice now is to put up with it or leave him and if you decide to stay with him then certainly there are areas you can compromise in. If you go down the route of having kids for example then he should agree never to spoke infront of them etc but otherwise it doesn't sound like he wants to quit and you can't force him to....

LegacyUser

Why did you move in with him in the first place if you knew he was smoking?

Did you think you could change him? You said in your first post that he makes selfish comments about it. Do you not think it's a bit selfish of you to move in with him and then demand that he quits?

If you can't live with it, you have to leave him.

Duggy747

Trying to get him to change his ways may only strengthen him to keep smoking. He'll probably feel that if he quits now it would be because you told him to and that he gave into you.

When you say stoner, how often does he smoke a day? Does it create something of a barrier between you in your relationship?

Boskowski

Can speak from first hand experience here. :rolleyes:

You won't be able to make him stop by the sounds of it, but that doesn't mean he won't ever stop or develop a normal relationship to being stoned.

Was a bit like him for a couple of years in my early twenties and lost a lovely girlfriend over it, too. But grew out of it, got bored with it, not sure what it was and now have a perfectly healthy relationship with 'stones' (once or twice a year, when I feel like it) and also with the girlfriend and with life in general.

So tricky, but not necessarily 'not a hope'. Is he still having interests, do ye get out at all sober or is it like he can't ever do anything without it?

dpink

Spunge wrote: »

A lot of people find it really difficult to give up, as it is so built into the routine of their daily life. I was the same once.

Yeah that really is the case here, his whole lifestyle pretty much revolves around it, he's been smoking it since he was 13 so its definately his crutch. ALL his friends smoke it so their idea of hanging out is getting stoned in someones house, which I would understand if he was 19 but hes 26 :-(

You say you were the same. what made you change things?

dpink

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Bar him being a stoner, how does this actually effect the dynamic on a day-to-day basis? I presume he was a stoner when you met him so nothing has changed there but how does this have bearing on your lives? Is he moody when he doesn't have any? Is he dipping into communal funds or refusing to do stuff with you?

Yeah he was when I met him, but we saw each other pretty much everyday and he never seemed to smoke around me, only around his mates, so I got the impression that it was a social thing wen hes having a few drinks. It was only when we moved in together that he was smoking it everyday.
It affects us in that its something I cant do with him, when we go to his friends Im the only one not smoking it. He wont do much with me, unless it involves meeting up with HIS mates. He sits up at nite smoking and playing the xbox which would be fine except that it gets fairly lonely going to bed by yourself every nite :-(
His idea of a nite out with me is bringing me to his friends house. Its like Im in a relationship with him AND his blow
I feel like Im painting a really bad picture of him here, hes not all bad at all, he does try and involve as much as he can but obviously that doesnt work very well. He is the sweetest guy and so supportive etc on every other level, that why it makes it so hard. If he was a jerk I would have just walked away but I feel walking out on him because of this addiction isnt right?

dpink

unreg2468 wrote: »

Why did you move in with him in the first place if you knew he was smoking?

Did you think you could change him? You said in your first post that he makes selfish comments about it. Do you not think it's a bit selfish of you to move in with him and then demand that he quits?

If you can't live with it, you have to leave him.

Its not as straight forward as that. When i moved in with him it was only clear to me that he was smoking it just wen having a few drinks.
I have also never demanded that he quit, I have merely tried to explain how it makes me feel and how it affects us, I only asked him to compromise and even just cut down to the weekends. Is it selfish of me to not want to go to bed on my own every nite?? To feel ridiculously lonely in my own home?? afterall I am the other person in this relationship, dont you think its fair for him to even try compromise?
But yes it is clear to me that its a matter of me choosing to live with it or leave.

dpink

Duggy747 wrote: »

Trying to get him to change his ways may only strengthen him to keep smoking. He'll probably feel that if he quits now it would be because you told him to and that he gave into you.

When you say stoner, how often does he smoke a day? Does it create something of a barrier between you in your relationship?

He smokes in the evening, depending on when he finishes work he could smoke from 3pm til that night. on average 3 a night.
Yes its a huge barrier between us. I do know its an addiction and because of that I have been so careful in how ive spoken to him about it.
You are right about pushing him to smoke more. I know now it'll have to be when he wants to. the fear is that he'll never want to :-(

dpink

Boskowski wrote: »

Can speak from first hand experience here. :rolleyes:

You won't be able to make him stop by the sounds of it, but that doesn't mean he won't ever stop or develop a normal relationship to being stoned.

Was a bit like him for a couple of years in my early twenties and lost a lovely girlfriend over it, too. But grew out of it, got bored with it, not sure what it was and now have a perfectly healthy relationship with 'stones' (once or twice a year, when I feel like it) and also with the girlfriend and with life in general.

So tricky, but not necessarily 'not a hope'. Is he still having interests, do ye get out at all sober or is it like he can't ever do anything without it?

Thanks so much, to be honest that really gave me a lil bit of faith :-) delighted life is good for you and that ya grew out of it :-)
No I mean he can completely function without it its not at that point. He can go out without it, the problem is if given the choice (of doing something with me and maybe my friends) he'll pretty much always opt for the nite in with the lads getting stoned.
For instance we went on hols last summer (2weeks in spain) he went without it for that time and he wasnt bothered bout it, but after week 1 he was NOT fun to be around: loosing his temper, not wanting to do anything fun, fighting with me and just generally being a jerk! :-(
Another example, this afternoon we had plans to go watch my sister sing at a wedding thingy (granted not a blokes ideal way to spend a saturday afternoon) but we always try to do the 'family thing' with eachothers family. plus it meant i got to spend time with him AND my fam (who im real close to) but he got a better offer from a stoner friend and decided to pull out. When i practically begged him not to he had what I can only describe as a tantrum from a spoilt child. He went to his friends knowing it upset me and havnt heard a word since.
I know this may just be any typical fight in a relationship and maybe not connected to the smoking....I guess im just exhausted with the whole thing and bitching bout EVERY issue. My apologies! :-(

Bloody Nipples

Unfortunately, by having effectively no consequences for smoking what is quite frankly a fairly massive amount of weed, he has no incentive to give up.

I think it's good that you're sensitive to the fact that it's an addiction but in my opinion, an addict only gets the kid gloves treatment if they recognise they have a problem and are willing to try to resolve it.
Your bf apparently has done neither and thinks it's ok to smoke pot all day, have all your coupley social time revolve around smoking pot and leave you to go to bed by yourself so he can smoke more pot.

You've tried the softly-softly approach and I think you need to recognise that it hasn't worked. Until he understands that smoking weed has taken over his life, he's never going to change.

I think it'd take something like you leaving him or something of that magnitude to open his eyes to it, though there's every chance he could just carry right on smoking.

You could try issuing an ultimatum that it's you or the weed, though bearing in mind that he's been smoking for half his life, he may find it easier to leave than give up an addiction that's so ingrained.

Ultimately, it comes down to whether you can tolerate this behaviour if he keeps it up long term. If you can, then you maintain the status quo, if you can't then either the weed goes or you go. If the weed goes, great, but you have to realise that that's only one of a myriad of outcomes and not necessarily the most likely. Really you have to analyse what do you think is more important to your bf you or his habit, and then decide on a course of action.

dpink

Bloody Nipples wrote: »

Unfortunately, by having effectively no consequences for smoking what is quite frankly a fairly massive amount of weed, he has no incentive to give up.

I think it's good that you're sensitive to the fact that it's an addiction but in my opinion, an addict only gets the kid gloves treatment if they recognise they have a problem and are willing to try to resolve it.
Your bf apparently has done neither and thinks it's ok to smoke pot all day, have all your coupley social time revolve around smoking pot and leave you to go to bed by yourself so he can smoke more pot.

You've tried the softly-softly approach and I think you need to recognise that it hasn't worked. Until he understands that smoking weed has taken over his life, he's never going to change.

I think it'd take something like you leaving him or something of that magnitude to open his eyes to it, though there's every chance he could just carry right on smoking.

You could try issuing an ultimatum that it's you or the weed, though bearing in mind that he's been smoking for half his life, he may find it easier to leave than give up an addiction that's so ingrained.

Ultimately, it comes down to whether you can tolerate this behaviour if he keeps it up long term. If you can, then you maintain the status quo, if you can't then either the weed goes or you go. If the weed goes, great, but you have to realise that that's only one of a myriad of outcomes and not necessarily the most likely. Really you have to analyse what do you think is more important to your bf you or his habit, and then decide on a course of action.

Thanks bloody nipples, and thanks everyone for the advice, has been a huge help and really needed it :-) I am only happy to return the favour should any of you need advice on anything!! ;-)

Boskowski

dpink wrote: »

Thanks so much, to be honest that really gave me a lil bit of faith :-) delighted life is good for you and that ya grew out of it :-)
No I mean he can completely function without it its not at that point. He can go out without it, the problem is if given the choice (of doing something with me and maybe my friends) he'll pretty much always opt for the nite in with the lads getting stoned.
For instance we went on hols last summer (2weeks in spain) he went without it for that time and he wasnt bothered bout it, but after week 1 he was NOT fun to be around: loosing his temper, not wanting to do anything fun, fighting with me and just generally being a jerk! :-(
Another example, this afternoon we had plans to go watch my sister sing at a wedding thingy (granted not a blokes ideal way to spend a saturday afternoon) but we always try to do the 'family thing' with eachothers family. plus it meant i got to spend time with him AND my fam (who im real close to) but he got a better offer from a stoner friend and decided to pull out. When i practically begged him not to he had what I can only describe as a tantrum from a spoilt child. He went to his friends knowing it upset me and havnt heard a word since.
I know this may just be any typical fight in a relationship and maybe not connected to the smoking....I guess im just exhausted with the whole thing and bitching bout EVERY issue. My apologies! :-(

Some people might smoke cos they got stuck in a rut and are bored with life a little. Life seems to present no challenges and just drones on Stoning is escapism from that although quite a paradoxone since one hardly ever does anything exciting when stoned, mostly just 'hang out' That's why it's no bother to not smoke when you break from the routine like holidays etc.
A good idea would be to develop an interest in something that's challenging, ideally something that doesn't go well with smoking say some skills sports or so. If he is like me at all he will find anything that is not stimulating or challenging - anything routine - as an excuse to get stoned. Literally quite childish really That might sound like hard work for you and it may be too much too, just trying to give ideas what might help.
At the end of the day he will have to realise himself that being stoned all the time is just a waste of time.
Stoned is nice on occasion say listening to a good album or watching a freaky movie or enjoying nature on a nice summer day but when it creeps into your every day it just turns you into a half sleep robot. He'll have to come round to realise that but it will be very difficult for you to make him realise it by you telling him.
I hope this works out for and he comes round before you lose interest.

Ps: sorry for typos and such. Doing this on the phone and the characters/window on the mobile boards is tiny.

LegacyUser

Hi. Just read through the thread and reminded me so much of issues I had with my boyfriend. He was the same, smoking nearly every day but saying he could quit if he wanted to. Like you I said it to him a few times but he said he'd quit when he wanted to. In the end it effected everything. He got moody, disinterested & stuck in a rut of doing nothing but smoking. I got sick of asking him to quit so I broke it off. I didn't tell him it was the reason I was ending it. But a few months later he realised it was & quit himself. He has the odd few now but is completely efferent. Ended up getting back together & he's not smoking anymore. I don't know if I would advise you to do the same but maybe tell him how you feel & that you'll be gone if it doesn't improve. I found that people who smoke are in denial, they don't realise how it effects their life until they stop & look back

Best of luck with it, hope for both your sake he quits it soon

ashblag

Op in same relationship situation as yourself. I knew he smoked when we moved in together. At the start it was grand he was really kind to me did everything for me but as time went on he changed me and himself. He talks to me sometimes like i'm a piece of sh1t and i know he's doing it but i let it go.
He smokes from when he gets home till he's so blitzed he has to go to bed. I feel so drained and lonely.
I do love him but he can be very manipulative& childish. He has a temper aswel.
i'm with him now 6years. We haven't gone to the cinema,for dinner on a night away nothing in I dont know how long. And i dont ask anymore cause there is always an excuse not to go.

If you have no ties to him think about your happiness x

JimmyCrackCorn

I'v seen it happen over and over again in relationships with real stoner's(daily and to excess). The manipulation is all part of it and is a common trait in all substance abuse problems. (If its affecting your relationship as you stated its a problem)

OP if your unhappy about the situation and you know yourself the likelihood of change id personally leave.

Changing a guy is not something that will happen unless they want it to happen.

Wompa1

I had the reverse kind of....Went out with a girl who smoked. I didn't know she smoked until I already fell in love with her. She was living with her mother when first started seeing each other and because of this didn't smoke. When the mother moved out, she went heavy on the smoking. It really bothered me because she was doing it quite a bit and when she did I might as well not have been around because she was a completely different person, she was either a f'kin idiot or a useless sack of crap just sitting slack jawed on the couch.

She was trying to convince me it wasn't addictive and didn't change her at all. I then video recorded her once before she smoked and recorded again after she smoked. The difference was huge and for a while she refused to see the difference!!

Anyway, I got the same BS about having to accept it as part of who she is so I completely compromised my own ideals and told her I couldn't live with it and so I'd try it myself!! So I started to smoke with her but after a few attempts I decided it wasn't for me...had one very bad experience, worse than any hangover I had with drink. She made a promise to cut down but it all came to a head again when I found out she was lying (said she was spending the day studying, I decided to suprise her by making her dinner and bringing it to her and leaving again...she was outside smoking when I got there and physically ran into the house to hide it...I had to drive out to where my parents live and I arrived unannounced at hers before I went and same thing..her out smoking and it was 10:30am!) about her smoking and I told her it was either me or the pot. I just wouldn't go out with anybody who does it any more.

She picked me and gave it up..or at least seemed like she did. I'm in the mood for making generalizations here but I have a couple of friends and 2 members of my immediate family who smoke also...they all have similar character traits which would now make me very weary of being with someone who smokes....most of all complete lack of drive and ambition and taking shortcuts. Also can tell tales!!

LegacyUser

dpink wrote: »

Hi all,
Need some relationship advice!!! been with my boyf 2yrs now and living together, he is amazing in every way......bar the fact that hes a stoner. We have had endless rows over it but he just cant seem to even TRY to knock it on the head, or even just cut down. I love him to bits but it really bothers me, he is up and down, he has said a few times "ye im defo gonna quit" and he'll last a week before hes back smoking, then telling me that "this isnt gonna work unless you let me do what I want" getting really tired of hearing that selfish comment as hes pulled it out a few times. It kills me that he isnt willing to try this for us as I know i cant live with it. just dunno what to do......

Anyone had a similar problem and can advise???.......mucho appreciato :-)

Hi

I was with a guy for the guts of 6yrs and had the exact same story, altho he would "promise" to give it up he used to just hide it from me then which made me really angry and totally destroyed my trust in him.....I am no longer with him!! He kept promising to give up but never followed through and from reading your post it seems like your boyf is the same!! I know you are prob crazy about him but for your own sanity I would cut him loose now before you end up miserable, as I was for so long......not anymore though, there is light at the end of the tunnel

few cans?

maybe the thing is not to make him cut it out altogether, but to keep it to a social thing. as bad as it sounds, maybe you should try make him feel like a waste of space and a loner by doing it, and he might be so embarassed and ashamed he'll stop.
I used to enjoy a few smokes myself, but again i would feel very lonely and ashamed if i was doing it by myself so maybe this is the kind of attitude he needs to adopt?
if he really does like smoking that much then by making him give up could put a strain on your relationship. having said that, if he's really worth it he'll put you first.

Babooshka

[QUOTE=dpink;72340842
Yeah he was when I met him, but we saw each other pretty much everyday and he never seemed to smoke around me, only around his mates, so I got the impression that it was a social thing wen hes having a few drinks. It was only when we moved in together that he was smoking it everyday.

It affects us in that its something I cant do with him, when we go to his friends Im the only one not smoking it. He wont do much with me, unless it involves meeting up with HIS mates. He sits up at nite smoking and playing the xbox which would be fine except that it gets fairly lonely going to bed by yourself every nite :-(
His idea of a nite out with me is bringing me to his friends house. Its like Im in a relationship with him AND his blow
I feel like Im painting a really bad picture of him here, hes not all bad at all, he does try and involve as much as he can but obviously that doesnt work very well. He is the sweetest guy and so supportive etc on every other level, that why it makes it so hard. If he was a jerk I would have just walked away but I feel walking out on him because of this addiction isnt right?[/QUOTE]

****************************************
Seriously ...seriously, seriously, in your opinion, on what level is he a support to you? What I highlighted in bold is the only sentence that just doesn't fit in with the rest of what you're saying one little bit. If I was you I'd read it and re-read it and ask yourself what you personally are getting out of your relationship here. Have you done any reading up on addictive behaviours and on being the enabler in one? I am only asking because you sound like you are involved with an addict.

How is he sweet to you, how does he support you? Because the rest of what you typed sounds like he is just not there for you at all. If you read that as the girl before meeting him (pretend you were wisked into your future and you just read what you typed) wouldn't you be a bit upset for yourself that this is what you're settling for as a relationship?

Just asking, and you probably won't like me for it, but just asking to make you think about your current situation, you sound like someone not having her needs met in a lot of your posts, so I really don't understand what exactly you are getting out of your relationship (maybe you are getting plenty from it, I am just asking, the tone is just what I am reading from your posts).

LegacyUser

Well I'm 33 male married three years with a 2 and half year old and 6 month old. When I was in my twenties when I finished Uni and worked my first job I smoked most nights. As I got older, moved up in my career, started doing triathlons and became a dad, I cut down and now I will have one on friday or saturday night with a glass of wine. Its all about moderation and lifestyle.

My girlfriends back then are not my wife now.

The old stoner playing playstation and hanging out with friends will be there in 10 years time doing the same. He needs to break out of the rut. Probably won't happen with you. You are enabling him. Get out now and give him a kick up the arse to change him and your life. He might change after ye split up but not with you i'm afraid