Realising bisexuality

number145

I am 44 years old and just realized that I am bi-sexual. I have always considered myself straight though never had a problem with other people or their sexual orientations.
So a gay friendly straight guy.. Well it turns out that I am also sexually attracted to men.
How is it possible that it could have taken so long to discover this? To add to the complications I am married for longer than 10 years and have 2 kids.

This is all a bit confusing and scary and would love to speak to other people who are in the same position or can identify with my situation.

I have no desire to break up my marriage but am I not living a lie?
I am guilt ridden for discovering my bisexually because it involved infidelity with a man but it just happened and was not planned.
My mind is filled with questions and uncertainties.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Jeff

Asry

Hello I am also partly gay like yourself. My gut reaction would be to just come clean and tell your wife everything, but in reality this is easier said than done.

You have to remember though that just because you've realised this about yourself does not mean you are any less of a loving husband or a good father. It doesn't mean you're now all of a sudden a sexual predator who can't be faithful to his wife, you know?

The infidelity part, I'm not sure about what you should do or what the right action to take would be, and I'm sorry about that. Maybe somebody else here would have better ideas. I'm not married But if I had been unfaithful to my bf (we've been together for 6 years), I'd like to think I'd tell him straight away....but then and again, what he doesn't know won't hurt him (that's my selfish side speaking). But I've never been unfaithful to him, so I really don't know which way would be the right way to go

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help, but feel free to PM me if you need anything xxx

number145

Asry wrote: »

Hello I am also partly gay like yourself. My gut reaction would be to just come clean and tell your wife everything, but in reality this is easier said than done.

You have to remember though that just because you've realised this about yourself does not mean you are any less of a loving husband or a good father. It doesn't mean you're now all of a sudden a sexual predator who can't be faithful to his wife, you know?

The infidelity part, I'm not sure about what you should do or what the right action to take would be, and I'm sorry about that. Maybe somebody else here would have better ideas. I'm not married But if I had been unfaithful to my bf (we've been together for 6 years), I'd like to think I'd tell him straight away....but then and again, what he doesn't know won't hurt him (that's my selfish side speaking). But I've never been unfaithful to him, so I really don't know which way would be the right way to go

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help, but feel free to PM me if you need anything xxx

Thank you Asry for your comments. I am a bit confused, but listening and talking would hopefully guide me to what I am suppose to be doing.

I am sure I could continue the husband role because I did that successfully last week, so nothing really has changed, or has it.
The infidelity was perhaps curiosity but that does not make it right.
Part of me wants to explore male sexuality more, part of me thinks I am/will enjoy it more.

Can I suppress these feelings to carry on the role as a husband and father without risking further infidelity...
Why is life so complicated. ???????????

diddlybit

Hi Jeff.

I don't think it counts as living a lie if you've only just found out that you are attracted to them. Sexuality and desire are complex, some people know who they are attracted to as long as they can remember. Others, like yourself, do not find out until they are older.

If you want someone to talk to, you can ring these guys. They also have a support group for married men who would be in a similar situation to yours.

http://gayswitchboard.ie/helpline.html

I understand your guilt in regards to your infidelity, but I would suggest not rushing into anything just yet. Take time to come to terms with what you've discovered about yourself and then make your decision. You may chalk your encounter with a man to experience, tell your wife about it, or come out to her without disclosing it. You might even decide not to come out to her at all. There are so many different paths you can take, but noone can judge them as well as yourself, as you are the one that knows your wife and the nature of your relationship best.

Best of luck.

number145

diddlybit wrote: »

Hi Jeff.

I don't think it counts as living a lie if you've only just found out that you are attracted to them. Sexuality and desire are complex, some people know who they are attracted to as long as they can remember. Others, like yourself, do not find out until they are older.

If you want someone to talk to, you can ring these guys. They also have a support group for married men who would be in a similar situation to yours.

http://gayswitchboard.ie/helpline.html

I understand your guilt in regards to your infidelity, but I would suggest not rushing into anything just yet. Take time to come to terms with what you've discovered about yourself and then make your decision. You may chalk your encounter with a man to experience, tell your wife about it, or come out to her without disclosing it. You might even decide not to come out to her at all. There are so many different paths you can take, but noone can judge them as well as yourself, as you are the one that knows your wife and the nature of your relationship best.

Best of luck.

Thank you, for your reply. You gave me much to think about and I will refer to your post many times until I have stopped my mind from spinning.
I need to figure out who I am first before I make any other decisions.

Thanks for the link to the gayswitchboard, I emailed them.

diddlybit

number145 wrote: »

Thank you, for your reply. You gave me much to think about and I will refer to your post many times until I have stopped my mind from spinning.
I need to figure out who I am first before I make any other decisions.

Thanks for the link to the gayswitchboard, I emailed them.

I'm glad you emailed them. I'm sure you are very confused at the moment, but you are by no means the first man, nor will be the last, to find himself this situation. There are many out there just like you.

Asry

number145 wrote: »

Can I suppress these feelings to carry on the role as a husband and father without risking further infidelity...
Why is life so complicated. ???????????

That sounds like me! Like diddlybit said, you're not alone

Aishae

hi OP - just remember that you havent been living a lie - you're bisexual and you love your wife.
its not at all unusual not to realise your sexuality in full until you are 20, 30, 40 and even 50 in some cases. things happen that make us question our sexuality and those things might not happen until later in life - if you see what im saying.

as for the infidelity - i would definitely recommend sleeping on that for a while. until youve gotten your head straight before you act. although it does not excuse it - the infidelity may have been experimenting with the newly realised aspect of your sexuality. so... give that some consideration.

there is one other thing id say: realising you like men too doesnt mean that your marriage neednt continue and that you must act on this. you might just wish to explore your extended sexuality through different types of porn for example. its food for thought anyway.

good luck with everything!

stephen_n

Not going to give any advise about the infidelity as i think really it is too complex an issue for an internet forum with so many variables and 4 peoples lives involved in it.

As for your sexuality, I'm bi, well for the purposes of this conversation I am although I prefer not to pidgeon hole myself in anyway. I'm attracted to people not their dangly bits or lack there of. I didn't realise this till I was 35, I was straight or well conditioned to be so, I just ignored any attraction to men and put it down to friendship, blah blah whatever your having yourself, I was a father a husband and before that a boyfriend to girls and that was just the way it was, I never questioned it, I just didn't allow myself the space to see it untill I reached a point in my life and it was there staring me in the face. It was very confusing and yet wonderful at the same time. My advise though would be careful with it for now, just let yourself get used to the idea in time I'd advise discussing it with your wife if you feel comfortable to do so but I guess the most important part is just understanding that it is an addition to who you are and not a terrible burden, so give yourself time to feel that before doing anything else.

bitter_lemon

Asry wrote: »

That sounds like me! Like diddlybit said, you're not alone

(please read number 145's quote)
how does this work?
you are in a self proclaimed relationship with your boyfriend (your words) for six years and also a self proclaimed christian.
i am struggling to comprehend........
you are allegedly with someone. love that person or either move on....

rainbow kirby

bitter_lemon - stay on topic please. This thread isn't the place to go into the details of Asry's relationship.

Asry

bitter_lemon

rainbow kirby wrote: »

bitter_lemon - stay on topic please. This thread isn't the place to go into the details of Asry's relationship.

of course it is. it is about bisexuality. it is all about relationships

bitter_lemon

Asry wrote: »

pity you edited. i would have liked to see what you said.

lol i think you are only messing anyway. nice blog!
for the birds...........

foggy_lad

number145 wrote: »

I am 44 years old and just realized that I am bi-sexual. I have always considered myself straight though never had a problem with other people or their sexual orientations.
So a gay friendly straight guy.. Well it turns out that I am also sexually attracted to men.
How is it possible that it could have taken so long to discover this? To add to the complications I am married for longer than 10 years and have 2 kids.

This is all a bit confusing and scary and would love to speak to other people who are in the same position or can identify with my situation.

I have no desire to break up my marriage but am I not living a lie?
I am guilt ridden for discovering my bisexually because it involved infidelity with a man but it just happened and was not planned.
My mind is filled with questions and uncertainties.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Jeff

A few words spring to mind "mid life crisis"? Many men at your age are happily married and wander off the straight and narrow for liasons with other women or indeed men who are mostly a lot younger than them(usually the same age as their children.) This seems to be some vain misguided attempt to regain their youth and most of these liasons involve a lot of drink and are usually the source of a lot of guilt and angst afterwards.

I would say cop yourself on and enjoy the life you have worked hard to build for yourself But if you are genuinely gay or bisexual you need to tell your wife and children immediately as they have a right to know you may be leaving them at any time for some man you meet in some club or down some back street in a sauna.

number145

foggy_lad wrote: »

A few words spring to mind "mid life crisis"? Many men at your age are happily married and wander off the straight and narrow for liasons with other women or indeed men who are mostly a lot younger than them(usually the same age as their children.) This seems to be some vain misguided attempt to regain their youth and most of these liasons involve a lot of drink and are usually the source of a lot of guilt and angst afterwards.

I would say cop yourself on and enjoy the life you have worked hard to build for yourself But if you are genuinely gay or bisexual you need to tell your wife and children immediately as they have a right to know you may be leaving them at any time for some man you meet in some club or down some back street in a sauna.

This is not a mid life crisis. I have no problem about being 44, for that matter I have never enjoyed life more. I have been there done it and I am happy being where I am. Middle age.
I actually have no desire to be any younger.
I am also not gay, but Bi-sexual as I have physical and emotional attractions for both sexes.
I think the sexual desire for males only revealed itself recently.

As I have said before, I have no desire to end my marriage. This means no desire to "leaving them at any time for some man you meet in some club or down some back street in a sauna"

I have been thinking about the situation, and if I had to be honest about my sexuality my marriage would be destroyed as would be the lives of my 2 kids.
I am starting to lean more to suppressing my bi-side and carry on with life, if that is possible.

diddlybit

Hey there.

Just as a matter of showing you that there are other older men in similar situations. It's not the same as yours, of course, but it's well worth a read. (His marriage isn't going so well and he's in love with a friend of his.)

Warning you though, it's a bit of a heartbreaker.


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?threadid=2056268860

bitter_lemon

being bisexual shouldn't give you a carte blanche for cheating. if you want to experience other relationships end your marriage.
its a choice. make it and stand by it.

Aishae

its completely understandable to me that you wouldnt let your wife know about your bisexuality. a lot of people freak out about it - just because you ARE bi doesnt mean you dont love or want to be with your wife any less than you would if you were straight. its not a concept everyone can handle.
im all for honesty - im very honest to a fault - but i DO understand this. theres a lot at stake.
you know your wife best - whether or not she would handle you being bi. how she feels about homosexuality in general and how she would possibly react.

bitter_lemon

Aishae wrote: »

its completely understandable to me that you wouldnt let your wife know about your bisexuality. a lot of people freak out about it - just because you ARE bi doesnt mean you dont love or want to be with your wife any less than you would if you were straight. its not a concept everyone can handle.
im all for honesty - im very honest to a fault - but i DO understand this. theres a lot at stake.
you know your wife best - whether or not she would handle you being bi. how she feels about homosexuality in general and how she would possibly react.

being faithful is being faithful. how would you feel if your long term partner strayed?
if you are in an open relationship - grand. if not this is a cop out.

Aishae

bitter_lemon wrote: »

being faithful is being faithful. how would you feel if your long term partner strayed?
if you are in an open relationship - grand. if not this is a cop out.

you can admit you strayed without letting on it was straying with a man. im not saying thats right. but when there is a marriage and kids at stake then its not all black and white.

edited to add - yes id be upset if a partner of mine strayed. ive never been unfaithful either. im pulled as to how ethical it'd be to keep your sexuality a secret because on the one hand not everyone wants to be involved with someone who is bi. on the other hand i think wtf does it matter, being bi doesnt mean you'll stray.
but dealing with the infidelity is a more complex matter. infidelity is wrong and you cant excuse it but you do have to deal with it somehow. and ending the marriage without thinking about things is a bit too knee jerk

bitter_lemon

Aishae wrote: »

you can admit you strayed without letting on it was straying with a man. im not saying thats right. but when there is a marriage and kids at stake then its not all black and white.

i'm not particularly interested in the sex of the person. advocating and encouraging infidelity is not on.
and making excuses :rolleyes:
it is actually fairly black and white when you think about it!

number145

bitter_lemon wrote: »

being bisexual shouldn't give you a carte blanche for cheating. if you want to experience other relationships end your marriage.
its a choice. make it and stand by it.

That I agree on.

Aishae

number145 wrote: »

That I agree on.

and so do i - im not saying 'go do your thing, the wife doesnt know' im talking more about the bisexual aspect. im not advocating cheating.

number145

bitter_lemon wrote: »

i'm not particularly interested in the sex of the person. advocating and encouraging infidelity is not on.
and making excuses :rolleyes:
it is actually fairly black and white when you think about it!

So what you suggest is that I tell my wife everything? On a business trip, I met a man in a pub, we had a good chat. Enjoyed each other's company.
We did some drugs (I have not done any in 10 years) got naked, explored each other.........
We did not actually have sex but that makes no difference because we might just as well have.

The next morning do I blame this on drugs.... no I can't. I tested myself on gay porn and yes, I can get an orgasm looking at naked men.
Now I am starting to sound pathetic..

If there is a very good possibility that I can shelve my bi-side, it it worth it then to break up a marriage, especially when there are kids involved?

Trust me, part of me would love to explore the male relationship side more but I can not justify damaging the life of my kids by doing that.

Is honesty worth it? Can I just shelve my bi-side? Can I live with my guilt? Who am I?

Nothing is black and white for me at the moment.

I use to be a perfect straight guy, standing up for equality. Strong personality and not many people will mess with me. I am a man, being bi I am still a man but will people still take me up seriously?

Somehow I think I preferred being straight fighting for the equality of gays, woman etc etc. rather than being Bi.

Come to think about it, how many gays and bi's actually are straight males? By straight I mean, look and act straight? Surly there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi while fitting perfectly visually into the straight male box?
That is who I am.

diddlybit

Op, you are right. There is no black and white here at all. Lots of people do not advocate infidelity, but if people were honest, many many people have committed it. What people do afterwards is dependent on their situation. There's no one rule fits all here.

bitter_lemon

@number 145 look chicken life can have its trials. life can be hard. life can be tough. its up to you to make these decisions for your own well being and of your families.

don't live a lie. but don't cheat either. and no you can't blame drugs or drink etc. i think its time for you to be accountable for your actions. you should be mature enough.

however i do understand how difficult this is for you. i wish you the best.

number145

bitter_lemon wrote: »

@number 145 look chicken life can have its trials. life can be hard. life can be tough. its up to you to make these decisions for your own well being and of your families.

don't live a lie. but don't cheat either. and no you can't blame drugs or drink etc. i think its time for you to be accountable for your actions. you should be mature enough.

however i do understand how difficult this is for you. I wish you the best.

To be honest with you, infidelity is taking second place in importance to understanding and accepting bi-sexuality for me at the moment.
Infidelity and my actions is my problem. I am not looking for an excuse.

What I am looking for is information, personal experiences and advice concerning my situation and bi-sexuality.
I am especially interested in speaking to married bisexual's, mature bisexual's (of almost any age) and making like minded friends so that I can come to terms with who I am.

Asry

bitter_lemon wrote: »

pity you edited. i would have liked to see what you said.

lol i think you are only messing anyway. nice blog!
for the birds...........

I'm always editing I used to put posts up on fb as a status and then delete them like 5 minutes later. One presses one's 'submit' button too quickly.

And thanks about the blog.

Asry

number145 wrote: »

Come to think about it, how many gays and bi's actually are straight males? By straight I mean, look and act straight? Surly there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi while fitting perfectly visually into the straight male box?
That is who I am.

Most of the lesbians I know are straight acting. They have long hair, they wear makeup, they dress....normally. I dunno. I guess I mean that they don't look like 'lesbians' as in with that scene-y Justin Beiber haircut and the skate attire etc. What is with that haircut? Every single queer girl in Manchester seems to have one.

It's not because they want people to not know they're gay, but they don't see why it's so important to adhere to a caricature because they don't like men.

And no, just because you do certain things in the bedroom doesn't mean you suddenly have to go all limp wristed and camp and cultivate a lisp (to quote a giant stereotype). You know? You can just be yourself. You're yourself first and foremost, rather than a walking label of sexual difference.

baby and crumble

I actually would see the infidelity as the key issue, not your bisexuality. Only you can figure out how to proceed with that though. Only you know how your wife may react. To me cheating is cheating and it's not a nice thing, however I do and can understand that sometimes sensations get the better of you and you loose the run of yourself.

You seem really conflicted about what you think a man who is attracted to men is. There is no box that you have to fit in, there is no way you have to act. You can be attracted to1 person, 10 people, or 100 people at a time, of any gender. it's what you do with that that marks you out as a decent human being or someone who messes with peoples emotions.

Bisexuality is not a carte blanche for cheating, as someone else put it. I truly believe that if you love the person you are with you should be able to not act on your desires for other people. that doesn't mean you don't feel desire for other people- of course you do, you're human. I just think that instead of getting caught up in your identity and who you are, you should focus on figuring out why you cheated on your wife. Was it because you wanted to experience what it was like with a man, or was it because you're feeling unfulfilled in your marriage for some other reason? People who stray often have deeper reasons for it than either a) being a douchebag or b) being intoxicated.

stephen_n

Heterosexuality isn't an excuse for cheating, homosexuality isn't an excuse for cheating what the hell has bisexuality got to do with cheating?? This really pisses me off this bull**** idea that bisexual people find it more difficult to be faithfull, what a load of crap!!! He cheated that is one issue he is possibly bisexual that is another issue completely and I assume the main reason he is posting in the LGBT part of this forum rather than PI!

number145

I need to speak about Bi-sexuality and personal experiences of people.

On the issue of infidelity I have my personal mind and sub/concious that is talking to me every minute of the day.

To people that know what I am going and can share some personal experiences please pm me.

Thanks
Frank

kate1234

After ten year of marriage, my husband also discovered that he is bi-sexual. Nothing wrong... just told him to accept this.

number145

That is exactly what I did. I accepted it. It is not an issue anymore. My marriage is continuing as always. I am proud to be bi-sexual however in practice only hetero.

I hope all work out OK for you too.

cocobear

kate1234 wrote: »

After ten year of marriage, my husband also discovered that he is bi-sexual. Nothing wrong... just told him to accept this.

I also told my wife after a long inner struggle to accept my sexuality, it was such a weight off my shoulders it was unbelievable, it allowed me to embrace it fully for the first time ever.
I am now extremely proud to be bisexual, my wife is very supportive and I would encourage anyone to come clean with their partner

L.Jenkins

There's nothing to be ashamed of in coming out. Both me and my girlfriend are both bisexual.

Bobby42

I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time but it now feels great to accept that I'm bisexual.

cartell_best

Bobby42 wrote: »

I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time but it now feels great to accept that I'm bisexual.

Kudos to ya sir, sound!