Girlfriends Father

LegacyUser

Hello everyone. In a bit of a spot at the moment.

Myself and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now. it began as a long distance relationship but has since progressed where we now live in the same area. Through the past few months we have discussed about moving in together. It is a big step so we gave ourselves plenty of time to think about it and if we were ready and we have now decided we are.

I myself am 25 years old and graduated a year ago. She is 21 years old and has one year left of college. I am financially stable with a well paying job and have just recently been givin a raise.

My girlfriend is a full time student who works part time. She lives with a friend from her class. Her parents support her living situation (she lives away from home in order to attend college). Basically her parents are paying for her living expenses including rent, bills as well as her college tuition. Her parents have been divorced for 8 years now.

Upon making our decision to move in together, her Mother is supportive of the idea whilst her Father is completely against the idea. Through conflicts between him and her he has finally decided to allow it (the lease of the apartment is in his name so she needed approval).

Here is where the problem lies - He has on many occasions in the past made comments about me and insulted me, sometimes directly but mostly by saying something to her which was then retold to me. As her boyfriend I cannot recipricate as this would be highly disrespectful of me despite what he says about me. But with recent events he sent my girlfriend and I and a very offensive and hurtful letter. Most of it was addressed to her but what was said to me was quite insulting and disrespectful and also indirectly insulted my family.

The man constantly puts me down but this time it was direct and very offensive. I beleive he will always continue to do so. I don't think he is within his right to make such comments towards me - maybe if i was involved in drugs, gangs or other dangerous activity. But I am not. I am well educated, come from a good background, have a good job with great opportunities and treat his daughter with the highest respect. I have never done a thing to him that is disrespectful or offensive.

What should I do about this? Should I continue to let him feel like he can say whatever he pleases about me and get away with it? or should I take no more and confront him in a dignified way?

My girlfriend has told me that I can respond to it as the letter was addressed to me also.

This is a tough one as we all know it is a very sticky situation when getting into confrontations with parents of our other half

seamus

The man's probably a bit of a nutter with his own issues. His attitude and the way he's dealt with his dislike of you moving in together, probably indicates why himself and his wife are divorced. She probably put up with similar abuse for years and finally had enough of it.

Look, as you say, he's your girlfriend's father. You don't have to be put up with being disrespected by him, but you won't gain favour by equally disrespecting him. Your girlfriend still loves him, so going on the offensive against him will not make her happy.

Be the bigger man. See his comments as nothing more than the ramblings of a petty and disturbed, possibly jealous man. Use them as inspiration to not be the man that he is.

If you are going to respond, I think it's appropriate to repond with like - i.e. via letter. Avoid being abusive or insulting him. Express your regret that you could not have developed a friendly relationship with him, and make it clear that you have been hurt by the untruths he has said about you and your girlfriend.
I would tell him that while you respect that he is your girlfriend's father and she is bound to him for life, you are not, and you will no longer engage in any conversation with him except if he wants to apologise. Say in no uncertain terms that you'll just ignore all communication from him in future, and do it, just bin anything that comes from him without reading it.

From the sounds of it, you have been respectful and courteous whenever the occasion arose and he has not returned that respect. So ignore him.

I would also look at getting your own apartment and moving her in there where she's not dependent on him for anything.

King of Kings

you need to man up and tackle this man. He may be your gf's father but you are also his doormat and he'll never respect you if you let him continue to abuse you like this.
He may still hate you after you tackle him but at least you stood your ground.

If your gf is upset after you tackle him then that's on her - his position as her father should give him no protection in ranting at or about you - and she should understand this.

Fentdog84

Ignore him. I dont know what his specific reasons are for disliking you(if any at all) but his daughter is a grown up and he is no longer her keeper. Next time you are in his company just stretch out your hand to and act normal. Be courteous and use a little humour. If he continues with his jerkish behaviour, dont react to it, perhaps change the subject. He will either get the message and warm to you or he wont. It sounds like its an issue he needs to sort out with his daughter. I would try and keep as much distance from it as possible and dont bad mouth him to his daughter because that might cause a further rift between them. Maybe its something about your general demeanour he dosent like. Sometimes people just dont like you, it happens. But thats their problem. He'll come round.

leggo

seamus wrote: »

If you are going to respond, I think it's appropriate to repond with like - i.e. via letter. Avoid being abusive or insulting him. Express your regret that you could not have developed a friendly relationship with him, and make it clear that you have been hurt by the untruths he has said about you and your girlfriend.
I would tell him that while you respect that he is your girlfriend's father and she is bound to him for life, you are not, and you will no longer engage in any conversation with him except if he wants to apologise. Say in no uncertain terms that you'll just ignore all communication from him in future, and do it, just bin anything that comes from him without reading it.

Though I get where you're coming from, that's a bit dramatic and unpractical for my liking. The father sounds like a petty, ignorant man and doing this would only add fuel to the fire, in my opinion, and possibly drive a wedge between the girlfriend and either her family or the OP.

Your girlfriend is very mature to say that you can respond, by the way. A lot of the time these things get pushed under the carpet.

With that in mind, you can treat him as you'd treat any bloke who spoke to you in such terms. I had an ex's dad who liked to take the piss out of me behind my back. A bit of gentle ribbing back calmed him down and we ended up getting on well in the end.

You have to remember that this guy could just be misplacing his love for his daughter here. He may see no man as good enough for her and that could be the root of his disrespect for you. So his heart may be in the right place, even if he's handling it like a child. The only way you can deal with that is by making these people respect you as an equal as you would anyone else. Your girlfriend has now given you carte blanche to do so, after all.

So deal with it blow-by-blow. Feel your way through the drama remembering all of this and act accordingly when you need to. But make cutting off contact an ultimate last resort. It sounds like you've a strong, sturdy relationship otherwise...something worth trying all options for.

MadameCholet

As tough as it is to bite your tongue and resist the very human urge to defend yourself and put forward your side, I wouldn't respond to the letter.

When I left my x I sent his mtoher a letter saying that even though I was not with her son anymore she was obviously still their gm. I thought it was a kind letter. Well, I got a hideous letter back from her listing off all my faults, and my mother read it and was outraged and wrote one back on my behalf, defending me and listing off all her son's faults. She responded to that. We tried to reason with her. She carried on insulting me. Her son could do no wrong, I was evil, my mum was 'on my side'. :rolleyes:

It just prolonged the madness and the arguing. With hindsight it would have been far better to rise above the madness rather than try and REASON with it. You can set boundaries though. Such as if he insults you, you and his daughter will leave. Without fanfare, just get up and go.

You can't make an unreasonable person be reasonable.

johnboysligo

Don't reply nothing you can do will ever prove you are good enough for his daughter. He is probably a very controlling man very used to getting his own way his letter was probably a manipulative move designed to drive a wedge between you and your gf while laying the blame on her if anything happens to their father/daughter relationship.

Worst thing you can do is show this guy that he got under your skin because he wont stop until there is a wedge between you and your girlfriend or him and your girlfriend.

Big Bag of Chips

If you are financially stable and independent and can afford to pay almost all rent on an apt (even 1 bedroom) then you should both move into a new place. Independently of her dad.

She is 21, she has 1 year left in college, yet she is still totally dependant on her parents.. it's time to cut the apron strings.

Maybe if she does - her dad will discover he doesn't have much of a say anymore! for as long as she allows them full control of her life - they will continue to treat her as a child.. and as a consequence will not take you seriously either.

StillWaters

I think this is tricky as she is still wholly financially dependent on her parents, and has only one year of college left.

How much of a bind would she be in if you confronted him, he gave his daughter a him or me ultimatum and she chose you?

Could she support herself through her final year, could you? Of course it is probably part of the divorce that he pays 50% of her expenses until she completes full time education, but this could involve her mother having to take an enforcement order in the Courts.

Basically unless she is no longer dependent on him financially, he can exert control, and he knows it!

spinandscribble

Its not up to you whether the gf accepts help from her father or not, thats got nothing to do with you. What is up to you is how to respond to the letter, or not as it were. Personally I'd advise ignoring the letter. Yeah the father will probably call you a coward ect but it sounds like no good can come from this. If you feel utterly compelled to respond follow seamus' advise.