I think I just need to vent.

LegacyUser

I just feel like I’m drowning in a sea of my own failings of late. The last few months I actually thought things were starting to improve for me. I’m a guy in my early 20s. After a summer of generally feeling under the weather, I suffered a panic attack on the first day back in college last autumn; I went to my GP and was diagnosed with mild-to-moderate clinical depression. I was prescribed a moderate course of anti-depressants, which I am still on. That course finishes at the end of this month, and up until very recently I had been expecting to have my dosage reduced then with a view to coming off the pills by the end of this summer. They seemed to have done their job. I’m less sure of that now. Honestly, if I were going to the doctor right now I would ask for my dosage to be increased. That could be situational, though – hopefully things will be better in a few weeks.

Anyway, months passed after the panic attack, and things improved. I grew more confident, more comfortable and was generally more optimistic about things. I’m still quite an anxious person, and I worry incessantly, but I felt like I had things to look forward to. Then I got myself mixed up in a really messy situation with a girl from college. She was interested in me, I was interested in her. She had (and as far as I know still has) a boyfriend. There was nothing particularly serious to it, and nothing happened at all between us – then she told me she loved me, completely out of the blue. I was knocked for six and to be honest I haven’t been the same since. In the light of what’s happened since then, though, I’m not sure she was all that serious. I’d say she probably regrets saying it now – I certainly regret hearing it.

The whole thing has ruined what possibility of a friendship might have existed between us, and we’ve since cut ties, rightly so I think. Things are now pretty acrimonious. I should have seen this coming: I haven’t said too much about this to anyone, but anytime I’ve mentioned anything about it to anyone they’ve said I was getting myself into a situation I wouldn’t be able to handle. I don’t know if it was the excitement of it that drew me in. What makes it worse is that at the same time as this was going on I got propositioned by another girl, with whom I get on really well, and who was single – and I blew her off for this trainwreck. What the f**k was I thinking? I feel awful about it: a mixture of guilt, anger, confusion and shame.

And now I’m really all at sea. Last year I felt like my problems were in my head – like it was only a matter of psyching myself up to improve things. Now I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Do people know about this? Am I the subject of rumours? I have no idea. I feel like I’m being laughed at, even though I’m probably not. Summer can’t come soon enough at this point. Honestly, I feel like I’ve wasted the last few months, and I’m practically back where I started. A month ago I would never have expected to be saying that.

Fea.

I know this is late, but I am not long a member here but I was just wondering, how are things now?